Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

[Anonymous]

How old?

[Anonymous]

If you blew up over an 84, you need help. Stat.

[Anonymous]

You need to let go of your expectations that she get straight As. Does she feel like she did her best? Yes? Then that needs to be good enough.

[Anonymous]

For the record, we expect straight A’s.

Yeah, yeah, you and every other UMC family in the area. And of course she’s capable of it because, well, she’s your kid, right?

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe you posted something that makes you look so terrible.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop expecting straight As. Even if she is academically capable, she is also human. She is more than her academic achievement. You need to see her as a person, not a producer of As. She is going to have bad days, days she is dealing with negative emotions etc, and there are many things in life that are more important than As No one is at their best all the time. Creating a perfectionist is so damaging. You are actively hurting her daughter. Each time you go at her about not being perfect enough, you are punching her. Stop daughter hurting your daughter. You are harming her mental health.

You need to apologize, admit to her that you have a problem and then get therapy to learn how to minimize any future harm to her.

You may have punched her one too many times - she is tired of getting up to be punched again.

[Anonymous]

Wow. If my kid brings home an 84 I’m happy! She can get Bs. She’s still going to have a good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

Straight A’s? Sounds like a lovely home environment.

We expect our kids to do their best. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Sit her down and apologize. Profusely. Let her know you made a mistake. Not only does she deserve an apology, but you'll be acknowledging that people aren't perfect, which is a lesson you really, really, really need to learn.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you willing to give up your expectation of As, or are you just looking for a more effective way to browbeat her into submission?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

You're right. She's probably destined to be a sign spinner on Rockville Pike now. May as well disenroll her and get her a job in a factory somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit her down and apologize. Profusely. Let her know you made a mistake. Not only does she deserve an apology, but you'll be acknowledging that people aren't perfect, which is a lesson you really, really, really need to learn.

This is what I think you should do.

[Anonymous]

Maybe math isn't your strong suit, OP, but it is possible to get an A or A- in a class while getting some Bs and Cs and even lower grades on individual assignments along the way. Even a B quarter grade is not going to sink the possibility of an A in a class. (believe me, I had a kid who often ended up with an A- or low A at the end of the year and there were definitely bumps along the way).

The only grade that's going on the transcript is the final grade in the class. You can't expect her to be perfect on every little thing.
And you definitely don't need to know every grade she gets on every assignment, especially if you're the type to flip out about it. If your kid actually needs help or tutoring, she'll be too afraid to ask for it.

[Anonymous]

You lose your cool over an 84? Your poor daughter! You need to chill, Mom, if you want to have a decent relationship with her as she grows up. If she thinks she can’t please you over little things like a quiz grade, there’s no way she will share important things like her problems or feelings with you.

Please take a step back and look at the big picture.