Reply to BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband went solo to his sisters wedding recently and you would not believe the blowback we got from his side of the family. Everyone was shocked that we wouldn’t drag our 1, 3, and 5 year old on a 24+ journey with a 10.5 hour time difference to attend this wedding because FAMILY.

Your situation isn’t as extreme but I definitely wouldn’t feel obligated to go.[/quote]

The reason that many of us feel you have to go for FAMILY, is that big events such as weddings and funerals are often the only times you get the whole extended family together and one of the few chances for people who otherwise not get to meet the youngest and newest members of the family to meet them.  And while I can understand not attending if you are estranged from some part of your family and avoiding some people, otherwise, it is important for the family members to attend if there are extended family members who might want a chance to meet the children/cousins/nieces/nephews and may not see them otherwise.  Think of it like a way to get a lot of family obligations out of the way at once.

I know that this doesn't cover everyone, but it is a reason why people who have extended families (siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) who don't regularly see those relatives feel the obligation to attend such functions.  Also, it isn't always just for you and your husband.  In some cases, it also helps out your in-laws, like your FIL and MIL who have extended family and allows them to show off their grandchildren to those extended family members.  So it helps them fulfill their family obligations as well.

If you don't feel the family obligations and don't feel the need to help your husband, BIL and FIL with their family obligations at such an important event, then don't feel too slighted if they don't give much of an obligation to acknowledge your priorities.  And don't feel too bothered if your husband and your children aren't prioritized by BIL and FIL in the future.  They may feel that obviously you don't want to maintain family ties and may do the same.

And while I can understand not feeling the obligation for second or successive marriages, this is still BIL's first marriage and the only time you really have such a big family obligation to attend.  So, it is essentially a once-in-a-lifetime obligation that you make the effort to acknowledge.[/quote]

As someone with a big family, I get this. But you know what I also get? That sometimes it just doesn't work. My cousin was literally the only adult grandchild (of 6) not to attend a huge family wedding/reunion a couple years ago. He had a work thing and couldn't make it. We missed him and there was some grumbling because other people canceled their plans or dragged their family across the country to go. But no one severed ties over it or anything. And when he got married last year most people still went, except two cousins with small kids who decided not to. And they were missed but no one is severing ties with them either.

I have a friend whose family is like you describe -- things are all or nothing and everything is life or death and you get hassled and harassed if you don't make it to every freaking event because FAMILY. My family all enjoy each other's company a lot more than hers does. In fact, she enjoys my family's company more than her own. Because it's not a competition and there is room for compassion and understanding and forgiveness, and everything is not a tit-for-tat.[/quote]

There's a big difference between having a work commitment you can't get out of and not going because you just don't feel like it and don't like the groom.  In this case, OP has no real reason, other than she doesn't like her BIL and is looking for any excuse to blow off the wedding of her husband's only brother.  Notice everyone else who didn't have a hard excuse made the effort to cancel other plans and drag their families across the country for a big event.

The one time I think it is fine to use the "small kids" excuse is if you made one such big family gathering and just aren't up to doing it all over again.  So, if you've already done the "show up and show off your kids/grandkids" family obligation, it is okay to elect not to go to another such big family gathering for the next few years.  [/quote]

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