Why don’t my parents listen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

You have no idea why it took her so long maybe they were work plans plans , plans with other people, things that were still up in the air, there are lots of reasons why you do not get back to somebody within 24 to 48 hours and I know good and well that my mother nor my mother-in-law would make plans in that way if I had not gotten back to them in two days they may react reach out again and say do you have a date or not but they wouldn’t do that and your bullshit about how your family is more important then your boss, go sit somewhere, just go in a corner and hide.

Oh, see, I love and respect my family. My family comes first, to me. This isn't forced or demanded; but I feel and believe that family should get the very best of me, not what's left over after work and everyday life.

Anyway, at the very least, I'd be calling or texting to check in: "Sorry, I'm still working on getting you dates--there is a possibility that I'll be going to Boston for a work conference, so I need to firm that up. I'll be in touch with an update tomorrow."

Your holier than thou, people have to as I do or they are not loving attitude is arrogant, stupid and shows zero understanding of differing personalities and communication styles, And family dynamics . You think you are better than, But you come off as immature and ridiculous.

I'm sorry your family dynamics are such that your boss is more important to you than your family, but for many of us, that's not the case. I think you are the outlier, and should recognize your perspective as such.

My family gets the best of me, not what's leftover from work and daily life. If that's not true for you, great. [/quote

+1

You’re a nut.

I just want to point out that there are at least 3, maybe 4, posters that you're calling names. I'm the poster with sick father, and haven't said anything about work or bosses. I'm done wasting my time arguing with internet folks. OP, just keep in mind that time is short, years go fast, and being flexible is not weakness or giving up power. Being unyielding only causes drama. Good luck with your decision and family, and have a wonderful holiday!!

[Anonymous]

OP, you "handle" by:
- Being thrilled when they come
- Not changing any of your plans
- Mentioning -no more than once- that another weekend might have been better. Maybe next time ..
- Accept that YOU are not allowing an acceptable amount of time for them to see their Grandchildren. Get better at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you "handle" by:
- Being thrilled when they come
- Not changing any of your plans
- Mentioning -no more than once- that another weekend might have been better. Maybe next time ..
- Accept that YOU are not allowing an acceptable amount of time for them to see their Grandchildren. Get better at it.

how is she not "allowing" it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

Exactly! Why so slow OP? Did you just not want them to visit at all and they called your bluff?

Doesn’t explain why they picked that eeekend, though.

They shouldn't have. But in the absence of a plan, they made a plan. In the absence of information, they made a decision. I agree, that's ridiculous. But...it's not unheard of for old people to lose patience, panic/anxiety over stuff like travel, and make an irrational move like this. Depending on age, fitness, mental capacity, etc. ... yeah, you kind of have to treat old people with special care, and give them extra consideration.

Yeah with my in-laws you have to constantly repeat information over and over to get through to them (which makes me a bit concerned that FIL is still teaching residents at a hospital, but whatevs). They complain that they don't see us enough but are so afraid of "imposing" that scheduling a visit results in all this unnecessary drama. Recent example:
ILs: We want to come visit sometime this fall
DH: Great! Here are a few weeks that would work for us, you pick
ILs: OK but we want to come a week we will be the most useful
DH: We don't have much work travel scheduled, but if DW is approved for a training she would be gone X week in October.
ILs: Let us know if her training is approved so we can make plans
DH: We would love to have you regardless.

Then they proceeded to call/text at least a half dozen times asking if my trip was approved. He kept telling them just to COME, that if my request was denied it would be next summer before it came up again. I dunno, maybe they just don't want to see me, lol.

[Anonymous]

No way. OP was specific that the weekend they wanted was not an option. They ignored this and booked anyway. It does not matter if the OP had called them back 15 minutes later and suggested 3 or 4 other weekends. They would have still booked the one she said no to in the first place.

1. It was cheaper or worked better with their own plans. They disregarded OP, her family and in laws believing themselves to be more important.
2. They are competitive and controlling asshats. They feel good when the OP cancels her plans and the in laws are disrupted because it makes them feel more special.
3. They are stupid.

None of these 3 reasons are valid for the OP's family and in laws to put up with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you "handle" by:
- Being thrilled when they come
- Not changing any of your plans
- Mentioning -no more than once- that another weekend might have been better. Maybe next time ..
- Accept that YOU are not allowing an acceptable amount of time for them to see their Grandchildren. Get better at it.

how is she not "allowing" it?

Yeah, I'm not seeing how OP's not allowing it. The parents asked if it was ok to visit that particular weekend. OP said, "That weekend doesn't work due to X, Y, Z, let's find another one". Two days later they planned to visit that weekend anyway, expecting plans to be dropped. Where is OP's fault here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you "handle" by:
- Being thrilled when they come
- Not changing any of your plans
- Mentioning -no more than once- that another weekend might have been better. Maybe next time ..
- Accept that YOU are not allowing an acceptable amount of time for them to see their Grandchildren. Get better at it.

how is she not "allowing" it?

By not rescheduling, I guess? Sure, OP can just cancel High Holidays this year. Totally cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

You have no idea why it took her so long maybe they were work plans plans , plans with other people, things that were still up in the air, there are lots of reasons why you do not get back to somebody within 24 to 48 hours and I know good and well that my mother nor my mother-in-law would make plans in that way if I had not gotten back to them in two days they may react reach out again and say do you have a date or not but they wouldn’t do that and your bullshit about how your family is more important then your boss, go sit somewhere, just go in a corner and hide.

Somehow, all those "up in the air" things can be dropped--if they are "up in the air," they're not plans; they are ideas. I don't put my life in limbo for "we should get together sometime in February." I make my plans around other PLANS. If you want to spend time with me, you better come to the table with concrete plans, or ideas-with-a-deadline. I don't put vagueries on my calendar. I don't put "holds" on my calendar for longer than 48 hours; if you can't firm up within 48 hours, that hold is now an available time slot for someone who has his or her act together.

Gosh, to be so popular and sought after! You're so cool.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them No! Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

You have no idea why it took her so long maybe they were work plans plans , plans with other people, things that were still up in the air, there are lots of reasons why you do not get back to somebody within 24 to 48 hours and I know good and well that my mother nor my mother-in-law would make plans in that way if I had not gotten back to them in two days they may react reach out again and say do you have a date or not but they wouldn’t do that and your bullshit about how your family is more important then your boss, go sit somewhere, just go in a corner and hide.

Somehow, all those "up in the air" things can be dropped--if they are "up in the air," they're not plans; they are ideas. I don't put my life in limbo for "we should get together sometime in February." I make my plans around other PLANS. If you want to spend time with me, you better come to the table with concrete plans, or ideas-with-a-deadline. I don't put vagueries on my calendar. I don't put "holds" on my calendar for longer than 48 hours; if you can't firm up within 48 hours, that hold is now an available time slot for someone who has his or her act together.

um .... ok. do you also then "plan" to visit on exactly the weekend that someone has told you they have OTHER plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

Exactly! Why so slow OP? Did you just not want them to visit at all and they called your bluff?

Doesn’t explain why they picked that eeekend, though.

They shouldn't have. But in the absence of a plan, they made a plan. In the absence of information, they made a decision. I agree, that's ridiculous. But...it's not unheard of for old people to lose patience, panic/anxiety over stuff like travel, and make an irrational move like this. Depending on age, fitness, mental capacity, etc. ... yeah, you kind of have to treat old people with special care, and give them extra consideration.

Yes, and they booked a flight for the one weekend they KNEW wouldn't work for OP. If they were so impatient and had to book a flight, why not the weekend before or after? At least then there'd be a chance that it was a good time for OP and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you "handle" by:
- Being thrilled when they come
- Not changing any of your plans
- Mentioning -no more than once- that another weekend might have been better. Maybe next time ..
- Accept that YOU are not allowing an acceptable amount of time for them to see their Grandchildren. Get better at it.

how is she not "allowing" it?

By not rescheduling, I guess? Sure, OP can just cancel High Holidays this year. Totally cool.

How does one reschedule Rosh Hashana? I am very confused.

[Anonymous]

Honestly?

This would be my hill to die on. No means no.

[Anonymous]

OP, were your parents opposed to your conversion? This is crazy disrespectful behavior on their parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

You have no idea why it took her so long maybe they were work plans plans , plans with other people, things that were still up in the air, there are lots of reasons why you do not get back to somebody within 24 to 48 hours and I know good and well that my mother nor my mother-in-law would make plans in that way if I had not gotten back to them in two days they may react reach out again and say do you have a date or not but they wouldn’t do that and your bullshit about how your family is more important then your boss, go sit somewhere, just go in a corner and hide.

Somehow, all those "up in the air" things can be dropped--if they are "up in the air," they're not plans; they are ideas. I don't put my life in limbo for "we should get together sometime in February." I make my plans around other PLANS. If you want to spend time with me, you better come to the table with concrete plans, or ideas-with-a-deadline. I don't put vagueries on my calendar. I don't put "holds" on my calendar for longer than 48 hours; if you can't firm up within 48 hours, that hold is now an available time slot for someone who has his or her act together.

um .... ok. do you also then "plan" to visit on exactly the weekend that someone has told you they have OTHER plans?

And isn't this an extremely good point to make. Would any other poster here when told that someone is busy for a weekend get flights and go and see that person? I dare say the answer is no.

For all those posters thinking that OP should cancel her plans, do you think she should disappoint other people that have had this event on their calendar for however long.

Look if they have the plane tickets tell them by all means come, make yourselves at home but we have other plans and won't be here much. People seem to think family override everyone else but friends are just as important. For those with families that are respectful good for you, other people aren't that lucky.