Why don’t my parents listen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow - everyone answering must have very young families to stress over such little matters. My son is 8, my father is dying. I'd cancel pretty much anything to have him visit. I know your parents aren't dying so I hate to be so dramatic, but there has to be some understanding.

This is such horseshit. While I'm sorry for your situation, it's got nothing to do with this, and using guilt to get your way is the classic example of the boundary challenged. You need some self-reflection.

You are very weird. I'm not using guilt. I'm saying I have priorities in check because of my immediate situation. Relax.

Speak for yourself then. How does your father dying have anything to do with OP? Don't project.

OP's post and specific question was: How would you handle?

That's how I'd handle, and why. But further, when you are able to look at the bigger picture, you place more importance on family than other crap. And finally, for the record, I never said the kids should miss anything. If it were me,
I'd make Friday night a great evening,
I'd share a big family breakfast Saturday morning,
I'd take both kids to their parties Saturday, and fit some visiting and fun in between,
I'd tell Mom and Dad to check into a nice hotel Sunday afternoon and plan a fun evening on their own
I'd tell them I cannot take them to the airport Monday because it's a religious holiday that I'll be spending with my family and inlaws.

Remove the sticks from your butts and be a little flexible. Life is too short to stress over one weekend.

That's how I'D handle!

That sounds absolutely exhausting. And they had plenty of “family” time planned already.

No dying parent in the picture, no reason why they couldn’t come another weekend.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to set firm boundaries and tell them it’s a NO and give them a good weekend or two. Stand your ground. They don’t get to dictate when they come or how you live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I told you that weekend doesn't work for us. I wish you'd listened when I told you I'd get back to you with an alternate date. You're welcome to come I guess, but we're going to be running around a lot.

And then don't cancel anything.

Yep. this. Include them in the Jewish holiday.

[Anonymous]

While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

Exactly! Why so slow OP? Did you just not want them to visit at all and they called your bluff?

[Anonymous]

Similar issue with MIL. She asked to come that weekend. We are all Jewish. DS has a birthday party on Saturday and he's going. We also have plans to go to synagogue on Monday morning and MIL isn't observant and doesn't want to go. DS started Hebrew school last year and we're trying to get him more involved in holidays and traditions. MIL will say things to DS like "Ohh, you don't want to go to services! That's boring! Stay here and play with Grandma instead!". Then we'll have to convince DS that he's going, when he was previously excited about going before MIL tried to convince him otherwise. It's also DS's own birthday weekend and he had made plans to celebrate with some friends, but MIL doesn't understand why he's not content with just celebrating with her. Basically she's not happy unless we cancel all plans just to sit around and stare at each other.

We told her we already have set plans for that weekend and that we're not changing them. She said OK just to get us to allow her to come, but once she's here she'll start whining about how DS isn't around every second to spend time with her. When this happens DH is on board with me at the time, but then months pass by and she manages to guilt trip DH into having her come here again just to pull the same stunts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

Exactly! Why so slow OP? Did you just not want them to visit at all and they called your bluff?

Doesn’t explain why they picked that eeekend, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue with MIL. She asked to come that weekend. We are all Jewish. DS has a birthday party on Saturday and he's going. We also have plans to go to synagogue on Monday morning and MIL isn't observant and doesn't want to go. DS started Hebrew school last year and we're trying to get him more involved in holidays and traditions. MIL will say things to DS like "Ohh, you don't want to go to services! That's boring! Stay here and play with Grandma instead!". Then we'll have to convince DS that he's going, when he was previously excited about going before MIL tried to convince him otherwise. It's also DS's own birthday weekend and he had made plans to celebrate with some friends, but MIL doesn't understand why he's not content with just celebrating with her. Basically she's not happy unless we cancel all plans just to sit around and stare at each other.

We told her we already have set plans for that weekend and that we're not changing them. She said OK just to get us to allow her to come, but once she's here she'll start whining about how DS isn't around every second to spend time with her. When this happens DH is on board with me at the time, but then months pass by and she manages to guilt trip DH into having her come here again just to pull the same stunts.

I can picture this so well. Ugh. Horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

Exactly! Why so slow OP? Did you just not want them to visit at all and they called your bluff?

Don’t be ridiculous. First, the mom is not OP’s boss and can’t invite herself and dictate a task schedule.

Second, there are often good reasons that figuring out weekends can be quite tricky. Perhaps her husband is waiting to hear about a work trip. Perhaps her kids’ weekend sports schedules aren’t posted yet. Maybe OP is just nusy and her nagging mom is not what she wanted to deal with. Etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

You have no idea why it took her so long maybe they were work plans plans , plans with other people, things that were still up in the air, there are lots of reasons why you do not get back to somebody within 24 to 48 hours and I know good and well that my mother nor my mother-in-law would make plans in that way if I had not gotten back to them in two days they may react reach out again and say do you have a date or not but they wouldn’t do that and your bullshit about how your family is more important then your boss, go sit somewhere, just go in a corner and hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow - everyone answering must have very young families to stress over such little matters. My son is 8, my father is dying. I'd cancel pretty much anything to have him visit. I know your parents aren't dying so I hate to be so dramatic, but there has to be some understanding.

This is such horseshit. While I'm sorry for your situation, it's got nothing to do with this, and using guilt to get your way is the classic example of the boundary challenged. You need some self-reflection.

You are very weird. I'm not using guilt. I'm saying I have priorities in check because of my immediate situation. Relax.

Speak for yourself then. How does your father dying have anything to do with OP? Don't project.

OP's post and specific question was: How would you handle?

That's how I'd handle, and why. But further, when you are able to look at the bigger picture, you place more importance on family than other crap. And finally, for the record, I never said the kids should miss anything. If it were me,
I'd make Friday night a great evening,
I'd share a big family breakfast Saturday morning,
I'd take both kids to their parties Saturday, and fit some visiting and fun in between,
I'd tell Mom and Dad to check into a nice hotel Sunday afternoon and plan a fun evening on their own
I'd tell them I cannot take them to the airport Monday because it's a religious holiday that I'll be spending with my family and inlaws.

Remove the sticks from your butts and be a little flexible. Life is too short to stress over one weekend.

That's how I'D handle!

That sounds absolutely exhausting. And they had plenty of “family” time planned already.

No dying parent in the picture, no reason why they couldn’t come another weekend.

+1
Such drama from that PP.

[Anonymous]

Book them into a hotel for the weekend and email the confirmation to them. If they question it, say it works best for you as you are unavailable that weekend for company.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why they wouldn't want to come on a weekend when they can actually spend time with their grandchildren. So odd. My kids love their grandparents & would feel bad about not being able to hang out with them more. OP's parents care about no one but themselves. I'm guessing this is not brand new info to OP. Set some boundaries or this will seem mild compared to what they'll being pulling in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

Exactly! Why so slow OP? Did you just not want them to visit at all and they called your bluff?

Doesn’t explain why they picked that eeekend, though.

They shouldn't have. But in the absence of a plan, they made a plan. In the absence of information, they made a decision. I agree, that's ridiculous. But...it's not unheard of for old people to lose patience, panic/anxiety over stuff like travel, and make an irrational move like this. Depending on age, fitness, mental capacity, etc. ... yeah, you kind of have to treat old people with special care, and give them extra consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While they were very rude to proceed with booking a weekend you said was bad--inexcusably so--OP was rude for not getting back to them within 24-48 hours.

It takes no longer than 48 hours, TOPS, to look at your calendar (which should be up to date; hello, it's the digital age), and propose a few sets of dates for your spouse to confirm. This can all happen within a few hours, and there's really no excuse why you can't get it done in a timely manner.

I bet if your boss asked you about dates, you'd have an answer faster. If you CAN get it done for your boss, you CAN get it done for your family; who should be more important to you than your boss.

You have no idea why it took her so long maybe they were work plans plans , plans with other people, things that were still up in the air, there are lots of reasons why you do not get back to somebody within 24 to 48 hours and I know good and well that my mother nor my mother-in-law would make plans in that way if I had not gotten back to them in two days they may react reach out again and say do you have a date or not but they wouldn’t do that and your bullshit about how your family is more important then your boss, go sit somewhere, just go in a corner and hide.

Somehow, all those "up in the air" things can be dropped--if they are "up in the air," they're not plans; they are ideas. I don't put my life in limbo for "we should get together sometime in February." I make my plans around other PLANS. If you want to spend time with me, you better come to the table with concrete plans, or ideas-with-a-deadline. I don't put vagueries on my calendar. I don't put "holds" on my calendar for longer than 48 hours; if you can't firm up within 48 hours, that hold is now an available time slot for someone who has his or her act together.