Why don’t my parents listen?

[Anonymous]

My parents called last Saturday to tell me they want to come visit us soon and suggested the last weekend in September. I told them that isn’t a good weekend for us since both kids have good friends’ birthday parties on that Saturday, the older one has something at school Sunday AM and that Sunday evening is the start of an important Jewish holiday and we have plans from then through Monday afternoon. My parents are not Jewish (I converted) but DH’s family is and we have plans with them to celebrate the holiday.

I told them I would get back to them with some additional dates this week. However, my mom emailed me last night with their flight info saying they could not wait any longer to book, and of course they booked their tickets for that same weekend, arriving Friday evening and leaving Monday evening.

I called them immediately to asked why they booked that weekend when I said it didn’t work for us and they said it was best for them and I didn’t give them other dates in time (um hi, it’s only Wednesday). They fully expect that we cancel all of our plans to hang out with them and I think that is totally unfair. Maybe we can skip one or both birthday parties, although that isn’t so fair to my kids. My parents are putting this all on my of course and making it seem like I am in the wrong. How would you handle?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I told you that weekend doesn't work for us. I wish you'd listened when I told you I'd get back to you with an alternate date. You're welcome to come I guess, but we're going to be running around a lot.

And then don't cancel anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I told you that weekend doesn't work for us. I wish you'd listened when I told you I'd get back to you with an alternate date. You're welcome to come I guess, but we're going to be running around a lot.

And then don't cancel anything.

I wouldn't say that - you're setting yourself up for a bunch of guilt and crappy comments.

"Sorry, I told you that weekend doesn't work for us. I wish you'd listened when I told you I'd get back to you with an alternate date. Here are some alternate dates that work - let me know which you switch your flight to."

And when they complain, tell them it's not open for discussion, and they can't come. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I told you that weekend doesn't work for us. I wish you'd listened when I told you I'd get back to you with an alternate date. You're welcome to come I guess, but we're going to be running around a lot.

And then don't cancel anything.

More like, I hope you purchased refundable tickets, as we won't be able to host you that weekend.

[Anonymous]

I bet they have a history of ignoring boundaries and being pushy? Don't give in by changing around your plans at all. They'll keep doing this if they don't suffer the consequences.

[Anonymous]

They did listen, OP - they just ignored you and put their plans above yours. PP has some good advice.

[Anonymous]

You can cancel tickets within 24 hours. Make them cancel them.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing they don't listen because they get away with it. you're already talking about how to accommodate them.

I'd call them and say cancel your tickets.

If they won't do that, I'd make it clear plans are not changing and they will have to spend some time alone.

[Anonymous]

I would let them come but not cancel any plans. If they complain, I would just say that next visit they should make sure to coordinate with me so we can find a weekend with fewer activities.

[Anonymous]

Give them some other options now and tell them you hope it’s not too much trouble to change the reservation. If they insist on coming anyway, do not cancel plans. Why punish your kids friends because your parents are jerks? Maybe next time they will listen to you! But I do think you waited too long to get back to them, clearly their behavior didn’t start like this overnight.

[Anonymous]

My mom did this to me recently. I am annoyed as I told her that we already have plans. I said, I'm sorry that we won't be able to see you. She's pissed at me, but I told her not to come.

You need to tell your parents that you are NOT available that weekend as it's a Jewish holiday and you are with your ILs. Tell her to change the date. Ask her if she's having memory problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can cancel tickets within 24 hours. Make them cancel them.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them some other options now and tell them you hope it’s not too much trouble to change the reservation. If they insist on coming anyway, do not cancel plans. Why punish your kids friends because your parents are jerks? Maybe next time they will listen to you! But I do think you waited too long to get back to them, clearly their behavior didn’t start like this overnight.

OP waited too long to get back to them? They called last Saturday and emailed last night saying they booked tickets - that's 3 days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them some other options now and tell them you hope it’s not too much trouble to change the reservation. If they insist on coming anyway, do not cancel plans. Why punish your kids friends because your parents are jerks? Maybe next time they will listen to you! But I do think you waited too long to get back to them, clearly their behavior didn’t start like this overnight.

OP waited too long to get back to them? They called last Saturday and emailed last night saying they booked tickets - that's 3 days!

She told them that weekend doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

I'd just let them come and rather than harp on "well, we need to do this and this and this" make it more like:

I'm so excited to go to the museum. Let's plan it for 2pm, right after we return from bday party 1. Then you and Dad can go to the movies, or even better, take a nap, while we quickly run to bday party 2. Then we'll have a great dinner at XYZ restaurant together.

Personally I think you should be thrilled they're so excited to spend time with you. When we have visitors, the best parts are having big breakfasts together and eating popcorn and playing board games right before bed. Make those memories.