Why don’t my parents listen?

[Anonymous]

They're doing this out of cheapness. I bet it was $40 cheaper to come that weekend or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - everyone answering must have very young families to stress over such little matters. My son is 8, my father is dying. I'd cancel pretty much anything to have him visit. I know your parents aren't dying so I hate to be so dramatic, but there has to be some understanding.

Understanding of what? She told them it is a bad weekend, they still bought the tickets. It doesn't sound like anyone is dying in the next year! I think the problem is that some younger generation parents can't establish their dominance, or were given everything by their parents and these same parents act like their 30 year olds are 3 years old. No, just no. I don't even tell my DS in college that I am coming for a visit next weekend! I wait to be invited, and I am paying for it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - everyone answering must have very young families to stress over such little matters. My son is 8, my father is dying. I'd cancel pretty much anything to have him visit. I know your parents aren't dying so I hate to be so dramatic, but there has to be some understanding.

This is such horseshit. While I'm sorry for your situation, it's got nothing to do with this, and using guilt to get your way is the classic example of the boundary challenged. You need some self-reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - everyone answering must have very young families to stress over such little matters. My son is 8, my father is dying. I'd cancel pretty much anything to have him visit. I know your parents aren't dying so I hate to be so dramatic, but there has to be some understanding.

I'm one of the PP. Perhaps my family is very young - my children are 2.5 and 10 months and don't really do well with adjustments to their set-in-stone routine.

The things is, OP has plans that weekend. Her parents asked her and knew she had plans. They still booked tickets overlapping with a religious holiday, and expect her to drop everything. It's really not fair and you can't just cancel one of the High Holidays in Judaism, it's pretty important.

[Anonymous]

"You're always welcome but I can't cater to you because this is not a guest-type weekend."

They can tag along or do their own thing. If you cook for the family, you cook a little more, and that's the extent of your extra work, which will already involve more grocery shopping. When they come, they'll need to find the bedding, make their beds, get towels, etc, because you don't have time for guests this weekend, as you made abundantly clear.

They are incredibly rude, BTW. No one in my family would ever behave that way. When my parents come, my father is very helpful: he cleans and cooks like a champ, he is happy to do drop-off and pick-up and drive the kids to their activities. It's so wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just let them come and rather than harp on "well, we need to do this and this and this" make it more like:

I'm so excited to go to the museum. Let's plan it for 2pm, right after we return from bday party 1. Then you and Dad can go to the movies, or even better, take a nap, while we quickly run to bday party 2. Then we'll have a great dinner at XYZ restaurant together.

Personally I think you should be thrilled they're so excited to spend time with you. When we have visitors, the best parts are having big breakfasts together and eating popcorn and playing board games right before bed. Make those memories.

You are a complete doormat.

Nope, just have my priorities straight.

Years from now, birthday parties for special friends will be completely forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let them know that you’re not changing your plans. I’d offer them dates that work better, and tell them you hope they’ll change their tickets, but if they don’t, they’ll just have to amuse themselves while you’re at the planned events.

This.

and whatever you do, don't ruin Rosh Hashanah for yourself or the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just let them come and rather than harp on "well, we need to do this and this and this" make it more like:

I'm so excited to go to the museum. Let's plan it for 2pm, right after we return from bday party 1. Then you and Dad can go to the movies, or even better, take a nap, while we quickly run to bday party 2. Then we'll have a great dinner at XYZ restaurant together.

Personally I think you should be thrilled they're so excited to spend time with you. When we have visitors, the best parts are having big breakfasts together and eating popcorn and playing board games right before bed. Make those memories.

You are a complete doormat.

Nope, just have my priorities straight.

Years from now, birthday parties for special friends will be completely forgotten.

Sorry, going out of your way to cater to people who disregard your express, clearly stated wishes makes you a doormat. You're so used to this dynamic you can't even see it. I know you think you're creating special memories, and maybe you are, but you're also creating a deeply unhealthy dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow - everyone answering must have very young families to stress over such little matters. My son is 8, my father is dying. I'd cancel pretty much anything to have him visit. I know your parents aren't dying so I hate to be so dramatic, but there has to be some understanding.

This is such horseshit. While I'm sorry for your situation, it's got nothing to do with this, and using guilt to get your way is the classic example of the boundary challenged. You need some self-reflection.

You are very weird. I'm not using guilt. I'm saying I have priorities in check because of my immediate situation. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them some other options now and tell them you hope it’s not too much trouble to change the reservation. If they insist on coming anyway, do not cancel plans. Why punish your kids friends because your parents are jerks? Maybe next time they will listen to you! But I do think you waited too long to get back to them, clearly their behavior didn’t start like this overnight.

OP waited too long to get back to them? They called last Saturday and emailed last night saying they booked tickets - that's 3 days!

She told them that weekend doesn't work.

Yeah, nothing in the first conversation indicated that weekend was OK. The "You waited too long" line is pure smokescreen.

I’m the first quoted PP. I didn’t mean that OP waited too long for normal people. Just that she had to know her parents were crazy and she should have jumped in front of it and found another weekend. This can’t be the first time they’ve pulled something like this. The parents are clearly at fault, I don’t think OP Should attempt to accommodate them at all.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry, we won't have time to visit with you the way you want. And I won't be able to prepare the house for your visit. I've booked a hotel room in your name. We can see you at X Y Z time."

And I'd say for instance, you are welcome to bring bagels over on Saturday morning before our parties. And we'll do take out for dinner on Fri and Saturday. On Sun morning we can go out to brunch. But the other times you will have to amuse yourselves.

If this doesn't work for you, you can change your flight to A or B weekend.

[Anonymous]

I’d say “okay, hope you enjoy your visit to town, we’ll drop you a line if we end up having any free time that weekend between our other commitments. Where are you staying?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - everyone answering must have very young families to stress over such little matters. My son is 8, my father is dying. I'd cancel pretty much anything to have him visit. I know your parents aren't dying so I hate to be so dramatic, but there has to be some understanding.

Ugh. Your post is so obnoxious. You are correct. OP’s parents are not dying. The fact that they will, in fact, die one day does not excuse their rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents called last Saturday to tell me they want to come visit us soon and suggested the last weekend in September. I told them that isn’t a good weekend for us since both kids have good friends’ birthday parties on that Saturday, the older one has something at school Sunday AM and that Sunday evening is the start of an important Jewish holiday and we have plans from then through Monday afternoon. My parents are not Jewish (I converted) but DH’s family is and we have plans with them to celebrate the holiday.

To your original question- why don’t they listen? You gave them way too much information. They heard what you said and decided your plans were not as important as their desired visit time. Ultimately you have to decide how hard of a line you are going to take this time. In the future just tell them no and stop explaining yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just let them come and rather than harp on "well, we need to do this and this and this" make it more like:

I'm so excited to go to the museum. Let's plan it for 2pm, right after we return from bday party 1. Then you and Dad can go to the movies, or even better, take a nap, while we quickly run to bday party 2. Then we'll have a great dinner at XYZ restaurant together.

Personally I think you should be thrilled they're so excited to spend time with you. When we have visitors, the best parts are having big breakfasts together and eating popcorn and playing board games right before bed. Make those memories.

You are a complete doormat.

Nope, just have my priorities straight.

Years from now, birthday parties for special friends will be completely forgotten.

Sounds like OP's parents are here. Learn to respect your kids and they will be more eager to spend time with you.