I think I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

Hang in there. I feel that way sometimes, too, but much less so now than a few years ago. The baby and toddler stages are really hard (especially when you have one of each).

My kids are now 6 and 3, and I finally feel like we can see the light. I don't feel so stressed all the time, I actually enjoy them much of the time, we can do things like travel and eat out (sometimes), I usually sleep fairly decently at night, etc. They are sweet together, and they're good kids.

It's okay to feel like you do, and I completely understand the sentiment, but also recognize that you're in the hardest part right now. You do get more of your own life back as time goes on and they get older.

If you really feel like you're struggling, it might help to get see a therapist or join a group. I found that I felt this super intensely when I had PPD -- much more than any time after I got better. I actually dreamed of running away from my family, and I felt like I had ruined my life by having kids. It's okay to feel it a little, but if it gets to that point, you need to get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

+1 It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.

Shocker! Other people may think differently than you.

We childless married couples do more than go out to eat, sleep in, drink and travel. We work in our communities to make the world a better place (while we sleep on the piles of money we saved from not having kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.

It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.

Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.

No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.

You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.

I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.

I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.

I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.

HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.

Thanks for sharing this brutally honest look at your life. I feel like it's incredibly sad. I'm really sorry you feel that way and hope it gets better from now on. At the same time, I expect that maybe others who didn't have kids feel the same -- looking back on what they were or weren't able to achieve and how others did it better, etc., and at the end of the day, they're all alone as they get into old age. I'm not sure how much of this is specific to kids or just melancholy about your life in general? I'm genuinely curious what you think. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is obviously passing thought. Because you have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. OF COURSE it's unbelievably difficult now. Come back and post in 2 years.

It is a feeling. My kids are 3 and 5 and I still resent having them. Its destroying my marriage because DH knows I resent having kids. I count down until they go to bed, I wake up early and go to work so I dont have to deal with them and I dread leaving the office to pick them up. Its non stop fighting, whining, complaining. I can't even have a conversation with my husband without nonstop interruptions. If I could go back in time to when I met my DH, I would say that kids would not be happening. I'm bitter about all we could do since we make over $300k a year and I piss it away on daycare and their needs. I hate weekends, I hate evenings...so dont tell OP to come back in two years.

Honest question, why did you have kids?

Honestly, I truly didn't think enough about how it would change my life. I do love my kids, and I did post the above on a Sunday night which is always dark for me because I've dealt with them all weekend, and I just want a break. I think it'll get easier as my youngest gets older, shes a handful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

+1 It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.

Shocker! Other people may think differently than you.

We childless married couples do more than go out to eat, sleep in, drink and travel. We work in our communities to make the world a better place (while we sleep on the piles of money we saved from not having kids).

How exactly? Community service is nothing compared to the legacy of having children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is obviously passing thought. Because you have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. OF COURSE it's unbelievably difficult now. Come back and post in 2 years.

It is a feeling. My kids are 3 and 5 and I still resent having them. Its destroying my marriage because DH knows I resent having kids. I count down until they go to bed, I wake up early and go to work so I dont have to deal with them and I dread leaving the office to pick them up. Its non stop fighting, whining, complaining. I can't even have a conversation with my husband without nonstop interruptions. If I could go back in time to when I met my DH, I would say that kids would not be happening. I'm bitter about all we could do since we make over $300k a year and I piss it away on daycare and their needs. I hate weekends, I hate evenings...so dont tell OP to come back in two years.

Honest question, why did you have kids?

Honestly, I truly didn't think enough about how it would change my life. I do love my kids, and I did post the above on a Sunday night which is always dark for me because I've dealt with them all weekend, and I just want a break. I think it'll get easier as my youngest gets older, shes a handful.

I feel the same way. Love my kids but on a Sunday or after a few days with them I am so unhappy.

Most people have kids and I truthfully only heard good things about having a family. I of course had heard how painful childbirth can be and that you don’t get a lot of sleep. But besides that, no one told me that my only happy hours will be when my children are napping or asleep.

[Anonymous]

You are literally at the worst time of child rearing (my oldest is 8). It will get better. Even in a few more months it will be so much better.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused why anyone has kids. I truly don’t understand it.

[Anonymous]

*deep breath*

OP here, finally ready to return to this thread.

I don't think I mean it. I mean, I don't know. I can go from the lowest low to the highest high in a day. To those of you who commiserated, thank you. Especially those of you who told me that this is the worst part. You might be lying but it's what I need to hear.

FWIW, I love my kids more than I have ever loved anything. That's almost part of the problem right? They need so much of me and I cannot give them a drop less.

I could probably say a lot more about why it's hard but to no end. To those of you who said to suck it up, it wasn't kind but of course you're right. My kids hopefully will ever know that they are the center of my universe.

To the rest of you, oh that I could be so perfect. Enjoy your life of zero doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*deep breath*

OP here, finally ready to return to this thread.

I don't think I mean it. I mean, I don't know. I can go from the lowest low to the highest high in a day. To those of you who commiserated, thank you. Especially those of you who told me that this is the worst part. You might be lying but it's what I need to hear.

FWIW, I love my kids more than I have ever loved anything. That's almost part of the problem right? They need so much of me and I cannot give them a drop less.

I could probably say a lot more about why it's hard but to no end. To those of you who said to suck it up, it wasn't kind but of course you're right. My kids hopefully will ever know that they are the center of my universe.

To the rest of you, oh that I could be so perfect. Enjoy your life of zero doubt.

seriously right?

OP you sound like a good mom but also someone I'd be friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*deep breath*

OP here, finally ready to return to this thread.

I don't think I mean it. I mean, I don't know. I can go from the lowest low to the highest high in a day. To those of you who commiserated, thank you. Especially those of you who told me that this is the worst part. You might be lying but it's what I need to hear.

FWIW, I love my kids more than I have ever loved anything. That's almost part of the problem right? They need so much of me and I cannot give them a drop less.

I could probably say a lot more about why it's hard but to no end. To those of you who said to suck it up, it wasn't kind but of course you're right. My kids hopefully will ever know that they are the center of my universe.

To the rest of you, oh that I could be so perfect. Enjoy your life of zero doubt.

Thanks for the update. I think you got a good variety of responses. For me (and I'm about to be in your shoes with Abby two coming anyway) I feel like the only thing I really disagree with the the "they need every drop of me". I don't think that's true or should be the gold standard. Sure little ones are needy but they need you to remain you and part of that is doing things apart from them and keeping some of the ore-kid identity too. Otherwise it's all about them and I personally don't believe that's healthy for anyone. I grew up an only child so it was easier for my parents but they also worked a lot and then immigrate FYI the US etc. I clearly remember the moment when I realized around 20 or so that they always picked their marriage and relationship as identities first with me a very very close second because otherwise they'd lose themselves in child rearing and chores etc. My need were definitely met and I never felt unloved or that they were not engaged in my life but they really did focus on being themselves and kind of folded me into it. Credit to them that I only realized it around 20 and we are close now (I'm nearly 40). I'm borrowing some of that in my attitude towards my child. She makes my life and my husbands life and our marriage richer and we make sure she has what she needs and love her and learn from her. But I am not only her mother, I take the experience as a mother and use it for other aspects of my life and other identities I have. Even now when she's still little and I have to be totally present when with her and get through all the whine and tantrums etc. some moments and days totally totally suck. But the big picture and my long view is that having children for me added to my life and not taken away.

[Anonymous]

I think kids get much easier (and then sometimes harder depending on the kid). But assuming you have typical developing children, elementary school aged kids are pretty great. They go to school, are pretty self sufficient, develop in to their own personalities in a way that is really quite fun to watch and don’t require you to wipe their bums or faces.

And one thing they had helped me with any challenges my children have faced is repeating to myself that my children are not extensions of me. The point isn’t to make them in to versions of me. It is to help them become better versions of who they can be. If they aren’t as academic or social or athletic as I am or I would like them to be, that’s ok. It is not a reflection on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*deep breath*

OP here, finally ready to return to this thread.

I don't think I mean it. I mean, I don't know. I can go from the lowest low to the highest high in a day. To those of you who commiserated, thank you. Especially those of you who told me that this is the worst part. You might be lying but it's what I need to hear.

FWIW, I love my kids more than I have ever loved anything. That's almost part of the problem right? They need so much of me and I cannot give them a drop less.

I could probably say a lot more about why it's hard but to no end. To those of you who said to suck it up, it wasn't kind but of course you're right. My kids hopefully will ever know that they are the center of my universe.

To the rest of you, oh that I could be so perfect. Enjoy your life of zero doubt.

Thanks for the update. I think you got a good variety of responses. For me (and I'm about to be in your shoes with Abby two coming anyway) I feel like the only thing I really disagree with the the "they need every drop of me". I don't think that's true or should be the gold standard. Sure little ones are needy but they need you to remain you and part of that is doing things apart from them and keeping some of the ore-kid identity too. Otherwise it's all about them and I personally don't believe that's healthy for anyone. I grew up an only child so it was easier for my parents but they also worked a lot and then immigrate FYI the US etc. I clearly remember the moment when I realized around 20 or so that they always picked their marriage and relationship as identities first with me a very very close second because otherwise they'd lose themselves in child rearing and chores etc. My need were definitely met and I never felt unloved or that they were not engaged in my life but they really did focus on being themselves and kind of folded me into it. Credit to them that I only realized it around 20 and we are close now (I'm nearly 40). I'm borrowing some of that in my attitude towards my child. She makes my life and my husbands life and our marriage richer and we make sure she has what she needs and love her and learn from her. But I am not only her mother, I take the experience as a mother and use it for other aspects of my life and other identities I have. Even now when she's still little and I have to be totally present when with her and get through all the whine and tantrums etc. some moments and days totally totally suck. But the big picture and my long view is that having children for me added to my life and not taken away.

I know this is the MOST obnoxious thing I could say, but wait until ypu have that baby. I never felt like this with one. I had friends, hobbies, was auler into my career. It was no big deal to leave one kid with my husband or a sitter. Or even bring her along. The baby sucks up every remaining deop I had for myself. Through no fault of her own, I mean, she's a baby. Many posters said this passes though and I will believe them for now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*deep breath*

OP here, finally ready to return to this thread.

I don't think I mean it. I mean, I don't know. I can go from the lowest low to the highest high in a day. To those of you who commiserated, thank you. Especially those of you who told me that this is the worst part. You might be lying but it's what I need to hear.

FWIW, I love my kids more than I have ever loved anything. That's almost part of the problem right? They need so much of me and I cannot give them a drop less.

I could probably say a lot more about why it's hard but to no end. To those of you who said to suck it up, it wasn't kind but of course you're right. My kids hopefully will ever know that they are the center of my universe.

To the rest of you, oh that I could be so perfect. Enjoy your life of zero doubt.

Thanks for the update. I think you got a good variety of responses. For me (and I'm about to be in your shoes with Abby two coming anyway) I feel like the only thing I really disagree with the the "they need every drop of me". I don't think that's true or should be the gold standard. Sure little ones are needy but they need you to remain you and part of that is doing things apart from them and keeping some of the ore-kid identity too. Otherwise it's all about them and I personally don't believe that's healthy for anyone. I grew up an only child so it was easier for my parents but they also worked a lot and then immigrate FYI the US etc. I clearly remember the moment when I realized around 20 or so that they always picked their marriage and relationship as identities first with me a very very close second because otherwise they'd lose themselves in child rearing and chores etc. My need were definitely met and I never felt unloved or that they were not engaged in my life but they really did focus on being themselves and kind of folded me into it. Credit to them that I only realized it around 20 and we are close now (I'm nearly 40). I'm borrowing some of that in my attitude towards my child. She makes my life and my husbands life and our marriage richer and we make sure she has what she needs and love her and learn from her. But I am not only her mother, I take the experience as a mother and use it for other aspects of my life and other identities I have. Even now when she's still little and I have to be totally present when with her and get through all the whine and tantrums etc. some moments and days totally totally suck. But the big picture and my long view is that having children for me added to my life and not taken away.

I know this is the MOST obnoxious thing I could say, but wait until ypu have that baby. I never felt like this with one. I had friends, hobbies, was auler into my career. It was no big deal to leave one kid with my husband or a sitter. Or even bring her along. The baby sucks up every remaining deop I had for myself. Through no fault of her own, I mean, she's a baby. Many posters said this passes though and I will believe them for now

Oh god, sorry for all the typos. I'm typing left handed while I breastfeed. Hopefully my points came through anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

Ditto!