I think I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.

It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.

Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.

No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.

You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.

I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.

I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.

I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.

HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.

This sounds like some truth.

Wow. Every word. Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I feel that way sometimes, too, but much less so now than a few years ago. The baby and toddler stages are really hard (especially when you have one of each).

My kids are now 6 and 3, and I finally feel like we can see the light. I don't feel so stressed all the time, I actually enjoy them much of the time, we can do things like travel and eat out (sometimes), I usually sleep fairly decently at night, etc. They are sweet together, and they're good kids.

It's okay to feel like you do, and I completely understand the sentiment, but also recognize that you're in the hardest part right now. You do get more of your own life back as time goes on and they get older.

If you really feel like you're struggling, it might help to get see a therapist or join a group. I found that I felt this super intensely when I had PPD -- much more than any time after I got better. I actually dreamed of running away from my family, and I felt like I had ruined my life by having kids. It's okay to feel it a little, but if it gets to that point, you need to get help.

No. Don’t fool yourself or the OP. You never get your previous before kids life back. Ever.
Now, your current life may improve over time but it will never be your previous life.

Sorry to break the news, but things change with time regardless of whether you have kids. Your childfree life at 50 will not be like your childfree life at 25.

Wrong again! My childfree life is even better now at 52 yrs old (semi-retired and rich) then it was at 25. (though also very good at 25 but just starting career then). Sorry to burst your bubble.

How did you get so rich without basic reading comprehension skills? PP said that life changes over time, not that there's anything wrong with your childfree life. What are you so defensive about?

+1 also, how do you know about any of this since you never had kids?
I have 3 and I am 35. While my life will never be like it was before kids, I am lucky to have a strong support system and I am able to spend a week or two a year kids free (once baby will be three will likely be 1 month a year). DH and I travel to music festival, concerts, stay up until 4 am, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.

It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.

Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.

No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.

You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.

I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.

I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.

I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.

HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.

This sounds like some truth.

Wow. Every word. Truth.

It does sound like the truth!

And totally agree on the “pinteresty ladies”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.

It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.

Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.

No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.

You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.

I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.

I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.

I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.

HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.

This sounds like some truth.

Wow. Every word. Truth.

It does sound like the truth!

And totally agree on the “pinteresty ladies”.

Any advice on how to avoid this outcome? Do I need to move to Europe or something?

[Anonymous]

Parenting kids isn’t that great. The daily grind isn’t much fun.

I think a good indicator of how much you’ll enjoy having kids is by how much you like being around kids now. Do you enjoy engaging with them? When you see them at a store or restaurant do you think - wow, they are so cute! When they speak to you, do you enjoy the interaction?

I wish I’d known this before I had kids but I really am not that fond of children. I don’t dislike kids but I could take them or leave them. Looking back, I never thought a baby was cute or really wanted to interact with kids.

Here’s the problem though - having a family is wonderful. It’s worth all of the stress and work to have children and be a family. It’s like their isn’t any good alternative. If you keep your child free life then you don’t have a true family or get to move onto the next stage of life. It’s just you and your spouse - forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I feel that way sometimes, too, but much less so now than a few years ago. The baby and toddler stages are really hard (especially when you have one of each).

My kids are now 6 and 3, and I finally feel like we can see the light. I don't feel so stressed all the time, I actually enjoy them much of the time, we can do things like travel and eat out (sometimes), I usually sleep fairly decently at night, etc. They are sweet together, and they're good kids.

It's okay to feel like you do, and I completely understand the sentiment, but also recognize that you're in the hardest part right now. You do get more of your own life back as time goes on and they get older.

If you really feel like you're struggling, it might help to get see a therapist or join a group. I found that I felt this super intensely when I had PPD -- much more than any time after I got better. I actually dreamed of running away from my family, and I felt like I had ruined my life by having kids. It's okay to feel it a little, but if it gets to that point, you need to get help.

No. Don’t fool yourself or the OP. You never get your previous before kids life back. Ever.
Now, your current life may improve over time but it will never be your previous life.

Sorry to break the news, but things change with time regardless of whether you have kids. Your childfree life at 50 will not be like your childfree life at 25.

Wrong again! My childfree life is even better now at 52 yrs old (semi-retired and rich) then it was at 25. (though also very good at 25 but just starting career then). Sorry to burst your bubble.

How did you get so rich without basic reading comprehension skills? PP said that life changes over time, not that there's anything wrong with your childfree life. What are you so defensive about?

Got rich by being a “numbers” person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting kids isn’t that great. The daily grind isn’t much fun.

I think a good indicator of how much you’ll enjoy having kids is by how much you like being around kids now. Do you enjoy engaging with them? When you see them at a store or restaurant do you think - wow, they are so cute! When they speak to you, do you enjoy the interaction?

I wish I’d known this before I had kids but I really am not that fond of children. I don’t dislike kids but I could take them or leave them. Looking back, I never thought a baby was cute or really wanted to interact with kids.

Here’s the problem though - having a family is wonderful. It’s worth all of the stress and work to have children and be a family. It’s like their isn’t any good alternative. If you keep your child free life then you don’t have a true family or get to move onto the next stage of life. It’s just you and your spouse - forever.

Wish I would have done this. Bliss!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting kids isn’t that great. The daily grind isn’t much fun.

I think a good indicator of how much you’ll enjoy having kids is by how much you like being around kids now. Do you enjoy engaging with them? When you see them at a store or restaurant do you think - wow, they are so cute! When they speak to you, do you enjoy the interaction?

I wish I’d known this before I had kids but I really am not that fond of children. I don’t dislike kids but I could take them or leave them. Looking back, I never thought a baby was cute or really wanted to interact with kids.

Here’s the problem though - having a family is wonderful. It’s worth all of the stress and work to have children and be a family. It’s like their isn’t any good alternative. If you keep your child free life then you don’t have a true family or get to move onto the next stage of life. It’s just you and your spouse - forever.

Wish I would have done this. Bliss!

I am not so sure. We were childless for many years before doing IUI to get pregnant. Most friends went on to have children and it got harder to make plans with friends. We have an affluent circle who can afford babysitters but it still was more challenging. We became old enough that we no longer wanted to be out every night. We ended up with too much time on our hands and too much focus on our relationship.

Seems similar to wanting to be single. Being single was wonderful. Would I want to remain single the rest of my life? Nope.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the complaints above stem from too little childcare and too many expectations of your kids.

Involved grandparents are a game-changer so if you can, move to them or move them to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.

It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.

Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.

No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.

You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.

I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.

I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.

I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.

HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.

This sounds like some truth.

Wow. Every word. Truth.

It does sound like the truth!

And totally agree on the “pinteresty ladies”.

Any advice on how to avoid this outcome? Do I need to move to Europe or something?

These posters just seem overly focused on success-- theirs, their kids-- compared to everyone else. My kids aren't in college yet but are close (teen) and I don't share most of these complaints. I don't care how my kids are doing in comparison to others. I feel fine in my choice to work outside the home and don't regret the sacrifices I made in my career in exchange for flexibility. My husband is not a saint but I had the good sense to choose someone who is not selfish and was interested in being an equal partner. Once the kids weren't tiny anymore I was able to make time for myself-- I regularly go out with friends, travel solo, and take time on weekends to do what I want. My friends are the same and none of us is "shell shocked." I'm not focused on having perfect kids. I'm not on Pinterest.

You don't need to move to Europe to avoid this outcome. If you are someone who is overly focused on your kids' success and comparing yourself to the accomplishments of other kids and parents, then you probably will be miserable eventually. Just don't engage and make your life what you want it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the complaints above stem from too little childcare and too many expectations of your kids.

Involved grandparents are a game-changer so if you can, move to them or move them to you.

+1.

I have friends who are clearly miserable with young kids but never leave the house alone. Two friends are unwilling to even leave their kids with their spouse! There is always an excuse as to why they can’t do things or go anywhere but it’s all self imposed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.

It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.

Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.

No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.

You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.

I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.

I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.

I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.

HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.

This sounds like some truth.

Wow. Every word. Truth.

Wow I have to say, I *really* disagree. My kids are 14, 12, and 10 so we're not at the college level yet but I find parenting to be so fulfilling and fun and have for a really long time. We've raised our kids to enjoy the same things we enjoy (skiing, hiking, exploring, traveling, going to the beach, playing card games, reading etc. etc.) and they're our little buddies. They're genuinely fun to be with. But I manage my expectations. I don't expect them to be Harvard bound. I don't expect them to be little geniuses or tennis prodigies or what have you. Are they healthy and happy and learning? Then good, we're all doing a great job.

I always tell myself it's the journey that matters, not the end result.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is hard and expensive. But you are into it now. It will get easier in about 23 years.

[Anonymous]

this is the most depressing thread i've ever read.

[Anonymous]

I don’t regret my kids, but it’s manifesting in some sort of rage. I can’t explain it. I never was an angry person. When I get drunk I’m actually the happiest person in the bar (I have a theory that how you are as a drunk is your true personality- angry, happy or boring). I just get sooo angry these days. My 1.5 year old is the clingiest baby alive. I just want to throw him off my sometimes. He behaves so well for anyone else, but around me he’s a whining disaster. And he really wants me 24/7. It’s really starting to get to me and effect my daily. I feel trapped and I can’t escape. It’s nap time and I just tried 3x to put him down after nursing. Nope. He wants to be held for a nap and I just can’t. I feel like I can’t enjoy my older kid because he’s so whiny. “Mama, mama, mama” omg. I’m on “vacation” now but when I return I’m going to stop breastfeeding (my most favorite thing about babies) because maybe then it will stop the whining. He’s in for a rough weaning!