I think I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

^sounds fun for 10 days. But a whole life of that? Sounds pretty vapid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*deep breath*

OP here, finally ready to return to this thread.

I don't think I mean it. I mean, I don't know. I can go from the lowest low to the highest high in a day. To those of you who commiserated, thank you. Especially those of you who told me that this is the worst part. You might be lying but it's what I need to hear.

FWIW, I love my kids more than I have ever loved anything. That's almost part of the problem right? They need so much of me and I cannot give them a drop less.

I could probably say a lot more about why it's hard but to no end. To those of you who said to suck it up, it wasn't kind but of course you're right. My kids hopefully will ever know that they are the center of my universe.

To the rest of you, oh that I could be so perfect. Enjoy your life of zero doubt.

Thanks for the update. I think you got a good variety of responses. For me (and I'm about to be in your shoes with Abby two coming anyway) I feel like the only thing I really disagree with the the "they need every drop of me". I don't think that's true or should be the gold standard. Sure little ones are needy but they need you to remain you and part of that is doing things apart from them and keeping some of the ore-kid identity too. Otherwise it's all about them and I personally don't believe that's healthy for anyone. I grew up an only child so it was easier for my parents but they also worked a lot and then immigrate FYI the US etc. I clearly remember the moment when I realized around 20 or so that they always picked their marriage and relationship as identities first with me a very very close second because otherwise they'd lose themselves in child rearing and chores etc. My need were definitely met and I never felt unloved or that they were not engaged in my life but they really did focus on being themselves and kind of folded me into it. Credit to them that I only realized it around 20 and we are close now (I'm nearly 40). I'm borrowing some of that in my attitude towards my child. She makes my life and my husbands life and our marriage richer and we make sure she has what she needs and love her and learn from her. But I am not only her mother, I take the experience as a mother and use it for other aspects of my life and other identities I have. Even now when she's still little and I have to be totally present when with her and get through all the whine and tantrums etc. some moments and days totally totally suck. But the big picture and my long view is that having children for me added to my life and not taken away.

I know this is the MOST obnoxious thing I could say, but wait until ypu have that baby. I never felt like this with one. I had friends, hobbies, was auler into my career. It was no big deal to leave one kid with my husband or a sitter. Or even bring her along. The baby sucks up every remaining deop I had for myself. Through no fault of her own, I mean, she's a baby. Many posters said this passes though and I will believe them for now

Oh I'm sure it'll be totally sucky for a while and going into it with eyes open (as much as I can). Having seen most of my friends have two by now and at various stages. But I figure nothing is permanent and it'll be how it'll be and then change and then change again.

[Anonymous]

My kids are grown. I loved raising them, and am very proud of them. I never had a regret. It was a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are grown. I loved raising them, and am very proud of them. I never had a regret. It was a choice.

Funny how it's only the parents of grown kids expressing this sentiment. May we all be blessed with bad memories!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are grown. I loved raising them, and am very proud of them. I never had a regret. It was a choice.

Funny how it's only the parents of grown kids expressing this sentiment. May we all be blessed with bad memories!

I have ZERO bad memories. I loved raising my kids. I worked full time as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are grown. I loved raising them, and am very proud of them. I never had a regret. It was a choice.

Funny how it's only the parents of grown kids expressing this sentiment. May we all be blessed with bad memories!

I have ZERO bad memories. I loved raising my kids. I worked full time as well.

LOL I meant your memory now is too bad to remember the tough days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^sounds fun for 10 days. But a whole life of that? Sounds pretty vapid.

Hold up...living life that isn’t like yours is vapid? Only kids make life worth living and interesting? Thank goodness you have your kids. Let’s hope you never become the MIL or grandparents talked about in the family forums.

[Anonymous]

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OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

+1 It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.

Shocker! Other people may think differently than you.

We childless married couples do more than go out to eat, sleep in, drink and travel. We work in our communities to make the world a better place (while we sleep on the piles of money we saved from not having kids).

How exactly? Community service is nothing compared to the legacy of having children.

Your legacy is not helping your community. How arrogant to assume your kids make a difference to anyone except for you.

[Anonymous]

I was just thinking yesterday that I can’t wait to be an empty nester and get what remains of my life back. No career, destroyed body, aged face, all decisions revolving around them. I would do things differently if I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. I feel that way sometimes, too, but much less so now than a few years ago. The baby and toddler stages are really hard (especially when you have one of each).

My kids are now 6 and 3, and I finally feel like we can see the light. I don't feel so stressed all the time, I actually enjoy them much of the time, we can do things like travel and eat out (sometimes), I usually sleep fairly decently at night, etc. They are sweet together, and they're good kids.

It's okay to feel like you do, and I completely understand the sentiment, but also recognize that you're in the hardest part right now. You do get more of your own life back as time goes on and they get older.

If you really feel like you're struggling, it might help to get see a therapist or join a group. I found that I felt this super intensely when I had PPD -- much more than any time after I got better. I actually dreamed of running away from my family, and I felt like I had ruined my life by having kids. It's okay to feel it a little, but if it gets to that point, you need to get help.

But like what kind of help? The only thing that would help is if I didn’t have to do this anymore. So the only real solution is getting divorced and giving my husband full custody.

[Anonymous]

I really love my kid, but damn, there are times when I wonder "what the hell have i done" with my life! I have a ton of friends who are child-free and they are basically living the life I was living before I had my kid, and sometimes I miss that old life so much.

For me, the baby/toddler/preschool years were pretty easy, but I only have one kid. She's 10 and a really good kid, and I recognize that I am blessed. It's more of a "I miss my old career/ I miss having money/ I miss having a clean house/ I miss my independence" sort of thing.

OP, part of the problem here is that you are REALLY in the trenches in terms of the ages of your kids. Having two kids that young is just a lot of work and little sleep for a sometimes completely ephemeral reward. Whatever you do, if you feel this way now, make sure you do NOT have another one. If you can avoid that, I bet you will feel differently when the youngest is 4 or 5 and things are a bit easier. That's not that far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^sounds fun for 10 days. But a whole life of that? Sounds pretty vapid.

Hold up...living life that isn’t like yours is vapid? Only kids make life worth living and interesting? Thank goodness you have your kids. Let’s hope you never become the MIL or grandparents talked about in the family forums.

.

What? No. Sleeping in and going to brunch as an objective is vapid. The woman in the article certainly could have an interesting and productive life without children. But her objective isn’t to sleep in and go to brunch. So sensitive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are grown. I loved raising them, and am very proud of them. I never had a regret. It was a choice.

Funny how it's only the parents of grown kids expressing this sentiment. May we all be blessed with bad memories!

I'm in the thick of raising teens and I have no regrets either. Yes, there have been challenging times. My kids are 15 mos apart so those early years were tiring but I also loved them and miss those days.

I get that some people do have regrets, that it's not a great experience for everyone, but why are those who are having a bad time so insistent that those of us with a different experience must be lying/can't remember/are deluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are grown. I loved raising them, and am very proud of them. I never had a regret. It was a choice.

Funny how it's only the parents of grown kids expressing this sentiment. May we all be blessed with bad memories!

I'm in the thick of raising teens and I have no regrets either. Yes, there have been challenging times. My kids are 15 mos apart so those early years were tiring but I also loved them and miss those days.

I get that some people do have regrets, that it's not a great experience for everyone, but why are those who are having a bad time so insistent that those of us with a different experience must be lying/can't remember/are deluded.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are grown. I loved raising them, and am very proud of them. I never had a regret. It was a choice.

Funny how it's only the parents of grown kids expressing this sentiment. May we all be blessed with bad memories!

I have ZERO bad memories. I loved raising my kids. I worked full time as well.

LOL I meant your memory now is too bad to remember the tough days!

Why does having some tough days = you regret having kids? Is it supposed to be sunshine and roses all the time or it's not worth doing? If that's what you think, please don't have children.

I remember the tough days -- the difficulty getting the baby to sleep at night, the health scare with my toddler, the 3 yr old tantrums, the stress over homework issues with my middle schooler, worries about friendship issues. But I also remember the great days and on balance there's been a lot more great than tough. So why would I regret having kids just because some parts are difficult?