I think I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

I actually love kids—spent most of my life volunteering with kids. But even I think parenthood makes basically no sense, logically. You give up a ton and really get very little in return. And yet everyone does it. Mostly because people all lie about how hard parenting is and say “oh, once you have kids, you’ll love it!” Or “it’s the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do!”

I do agree that it will get easier, and then harder, and then easier or harder, depending on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually love kids—spent most of my life volunteering with kids. But even I think parenthood makes basically no sense, logically. You give up a ton and really get very little in return. And yet everyone does it. Mostly because people all lie about how hard parenting is and say “oh, once you have kids, you’ll love it!” Or “it’s the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do!”

I do agree that it will get easier, and then harder, and then easier or harder, depending on your kids.

But most of us aren’t lying about that. We genuinely feel that way. I agree it is hard especially with a young infant and toddler, but getting very little back? No way. I get so much from my kids every single day. Granted, they’re 8 and 10, but it has been this way since they were 1 and 3. I truly love being a mom. OP, it does get better. Not sure you will ever love it as much as some people do, but it gets a whole lot better and easier. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Once they are both out of diapers is so much less of a grind. It’s still hard but there are many more sweet moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am right there with an almost 3-yo and a 3 month old. Talk to your pediatrician. If the toddler is melting down multiple times per day, he need help. I’m doing play therapy with my older for 15 minutes a day, and things got SO much better within the first week. A pediatric therapist can get you started in one session. Also, call your GP about depression. Your life sounds overwhelming right now, and it’s okay to need a little help help. I’m rooting for you.

Here are some links to get you started.

https://www.rebeccamgleedlmft.com/

https://www.mcfpsy.com/

https://socialskillscenter.com/

http://www.crossroadsfamilycounselingcenter.com/our-services/children-and-play-therapy/

Maybe her life plain sucks right now and it’s not depression?

That’s fair. We don’t have enough info, which is why i suggested a call to her doctor. Better to check in and get whatever support that the family needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually love kids—spent most of my life volunteering with kids. But even I think parenthood makes basically no sense, logically. You give up a ton and really get very little in return. And yet everyone does it. Mostly because people all lie about how hard parenting is and say “oh, once you have kids, you’ll love it!” Or “it’s the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do!”

I do agree that it will get easier, and then harder, and then easier or harder, depending on your kids.

No, we don't lie. Why would we?
Parenting for me has been such joy. It's hard work sometimes, but to me it's the price to pay for such happiness. I loved the baby years and didn't mind being sleep deprived. What I don't love is the worry that comes from one of my children's special needs. It's soured some moments for me, because he has multiple health issues and sometimes my anxiety is just overwhelming. But my kids in general? I am happy to put in the work.

How to explain this? Just like with any passion, the work involved doesn't feel like work, most of the time.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't sure about kids, so we only had one. Best decision we ever made.

[Anonymous]

I personally thinking parenting kids under 5 is way more misery than fun. It gets so much better when they are more independent, verbal, and rational. I do think it gets better, OP.

[Anonymous]

Until my second was about one, I wasn’t too thrilled with the transition. It gets easier. This is a hard time! You’ll be alright OP. One foot in front of the other - and all the help you can enlist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't sure about kids, so we only had one. Best decision we ever made.

Really helpful to OP

[Anonymous]

I have a 3 year old & a 3 months old as well. I love them, but I am super tired & exhausting every day. I am not a saint to be a well-tempered & attentive mom 24/7, so my house is messy, a lot of carry-outs, have to give tv to 3 year old for him to be quiet, sometimes yelling at my 3 year old for his behaviors, blah blah ..... I think overall I am a good mom because no matter how tiring I am, I would definitely make sure that both kids are fed, bathed, have clean clothing to wear etc.

But DH thinks that I am a good mother, not a good wife as before. He says our life is boring, no social life, no travel as others, no more couple times, and we don't do fun things as before. I tell him that paying 2 kids for daycare are already expensive, we are not planning for travel anytime soon. And, taking 2 kids to travel sounds like torture to me rather than vacation time. I don't even have time to take care of myself, and doing fun things look like luxury to me. Since I become a mom, my priority & attention all shift to my kids. Of course I admit I have changed, but what I can I do? I cannot please everyone. I can't wait both kids are getting older, like elementary school age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 3 year old & a 3 months old as well. I love them, but I am super tired & exhausting every day. I am not a saint to be a well-tempered & attentive mom 24/7, so my house is messy, a lot of carry-outs, have to give tv to 3 year old for him to be quiet, sometimes yelling at my 3 year old for his behaviors, blah blah ..... I think overall I am a good mom because no matter how tiring I am, I would definitely make sure that both kids are fed, bathed, have clean clothing to wear etc.

But DH thinks that I am a good mother, not a good wife as before. He says our life is boring, no social life, no travel as others, no more couple times, and we don't do fun things as before. I tell him that paying 2 kids for daycare are already expensive, we are not planning for travel anytime soon. And, taking 2 kids to travel sounds like torture to me rather than vacation time. I don't even have time to take care of myself, and doing fun things look like luxury to me. Since I become a mom, my priority & attention all shift to my kids. Of course I admit I have changed, but what I can I do? I cannot please everyone. I can't wait both kids are getting older, like elementary school age.

I don’t understand why you can’t still go on date nights and spend some time for yourself. Your life sounds extreme

[Anonymous]

Not sure what you thought parenting would be like. Maybe you should have waited and gotten more out if your system.

I think parenting gets harder when they stop being cute and adore you. Hope your kids do not pick up on your resentment. I suggest therapy for all who wish they did not have kids.

Sorry but I cannot relate at all (but I was an older patent, which might make a difference)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally thinking parenting kids under 5 is way more misery than fun. It gets so much better when they are more independent, verbal, and rational. I do think it gets better, OP.

Yes, Until they are teens , another kind of torment, I regretted having kids also.

[Anonymous]

I regret having kids and I resent my kid. I hate my life and cry for the old me.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are many ways to be a parent. This is definitely a very hard stage but it sounds like you are resentful of other things. It’s OK not to be a SAHM if you prefer to work. Your kids need you to be happy and to embrace your life — it’s how they will later on figure out how to do the same.

On your specific points, yes, the lifestyle shift is intense. However as someone who has traveled all over the world and have always done the work I am passionate about, I still feel that none of that matches the happiness of kids. My partner feels the same. After a while, every fancy restaurant is the same and every foreign city nice for a few days. But what is the meaning of it? I’m not saying you have to find meaning in the unending round of tasks that goes with a baby and toddler. But times with my kids have been the most meaningful.

If you can find a way to care for them without resentment, even if that means sharing their care with others, I would do it. It is high burnout work, just like many other kinds of meaningful work. This forum is support for other parents for a reason... the caregiver has to care for themselves. Do not let your anger about this resign you to a life you don’t want and your kids to an unhappy mother. I grew up like that and believe me it’s not easy for the kids.