SAHM shaming

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

Not everyone lives to work.

I can tell you're a workaholic whose identity is wrapped up in what they do for money. That's fine but, if you were truly as smart and perceptive as you think you are, you'd realize not everyone wants to live that way.

And don't bother responding back to deny your workaholism. I can tell because you seem unable to acknowledge why many people don't want to waste their one precious life in an office pushing paper.

It's fine if you feel purpose in what you do. But you can't even acknowledge that other people feel differently. That's a problem.

Read these first before responding.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/01/opinion/burnout-hustle-culture-gentrification-work.html

https://www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2019/jan/28/work-life-balance-thankgoditsmonday

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/

https://www.theatlantic.com/letters/archive/2019/03/readers-respond-workism-is-making-americans-miserable/584377/

You could not be more wrong. Still waiting for an answer to the questions rather than a bunch of defensive bs.
*Insert article about kids of working moms blah blah

I'm a new poster but I happen to agree with the PP. The fact that you can't seem to wrap your head around why someone might choose to live differently from you is very telling.

Fwiw, a person can have hobbies that they're very involved with that are fulfilling and yet don't pay money. Do you really not get that?

I never said I didn’t. I just want people to answer those questions. What they obviously are not comfortable doing. You do you.

They did answer the question. They're ok with filling their free time with hobbies and leisure because "they don't work to live." That's the verbatim answer.

Are you dense?

Yes, I am. Got me! Shouldn’t have expected any kind of intellectual discourse. Carry on.

You don't like the answer because you don't understand it. You can't wrap your brain around the fact that some people don't need a paycheck in order to have an identity or feel secure in the world.

It's sad. Work /= life or happiness.

You're a workaholic. Look it up. Read those articles! I'm saying this for your own good, believe it or not.

DP. Do you provide these articles to your husband, too? Or just to women?

Of course. He's not a workaholic. I wouldn't marry one or stay married to one.

PP works 30 hours a week. Does your husband work less than that?

40-50, guaranteed income of at least 1M which I’m sure you will admit is a pretty good deal. He works on 3 year contracts.

He works remotely in finance and can make his own hours.

I remember you. You post ALL the time with the same details, so you are memorable. There was a thread awhile back where a woman whose husband made under $100k who was considering staying home and I remember you talking about how she should stay home because it was great, damn the financial consequences, because your DH made a lot of money and you like it. You come across as so clueless and judgmental. I read your posts and I feel sorry for you.

Also, the poster you claimed is workaholic works less than your DH, and you claim you wouldn't be married to a workaholic, so I assume you are planning your divorce. Or perhaps we should be honest: you are totally fine with a workaholic husband, you just lash out at women.

That wasn’t me. I have no clue what you’re talking about. I wouldn’t tell anyone to “damn the financial consequences.”

I said that poster must be a workaholic because she makes it sound like she can’t even *comprehend* the idea that some people do not get their sole sense of identity, purpose, and happiness through a paycheck. Some people are able to find fulfilling things to do with their time besides working for someone else. She seems honestly confused by that because people in this thread keep explaining it to her and she keeps saying they haven’t provided a satisfactory answer. That *is* the answer.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

Not everyone lives to work.

I can tell you're a workaholic whose identity is wrapped up in what they do for money. That's fine but, if you were truly as smart and perceptive as you think you are, you'd realize not everyone wants to live that way.

And don't bother responding back to deny your workaholism. I can tell because you seem unable to acknowledge why many people don't want to waste their one precious life in an office pushing paper.

It's fine if you feel purpose in what you do. But you can't even acknowledge that other people feel differently. That's a problem.

Read these first before responding.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/01/opinion/burnout-hustle-culture-gentrification-work.html

https://www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2019/jan/28/work-life-balance-thankgoditsmonday

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/

https://www.theatlantic.com/letters/archive/2019/03/readers-respond-workism-is-making-americans-miserable/584377/

You could not be more wrong. Still waiting for an answer to the questions rather than a bunch of defensive bs.
*Insert article about kids of working moms blah blah

I'm a new poster but I happen to agree with the PP. The fact that you can't seem to wrap your head around why someone might choose to live differently from you is very telling.

Fwiw, a person can have hobbies that they're very involved with that are fulfilling and yet don't pay money. Do you really not get that?

I never said I didn’t. I just want people to answer those questions. What they obviously are not comfortable doing. You do you.

They did answer the question. They're ok with filling their free time with hobbies and leisure because "they don't work to live." That's the verbatim answer.

Are you dense?

Yes, I am. Got me! Shouldn’t have expected any kind of intellectual discourse. Carry on.

You don't like the answer because you don't understand it. You can't wrap your brain around the fact that some people don't need a paycheck in order to have an identity or feel secure in the world.

It's sad. Work /= life or happiness.

You're a workaholic. Look it up. Read those articles! I'm saying this for your own good, believe it or not.

DP. Do you provide these articles to your husband, too? Or just to women?

Of course. He's not a workaholic. I wouldn't marry one or stay married to one.

PP works 30 hours a week. Does your husband work less than that?

40-50, guaranteed income of at least 1M which I’m sure you will admit is a pretty good deal. He works on 3 year contracts.

He works remotely in finance and can make his own hours.

I remember you. You post ALL the time with the same details, so you are memorable. There was a thread awhile back where a woman whose husband made under $100k who was considering staying home and I remember you talking about how she should stay home because it was great, damn the financial consequences, because your DH made a lot of money and you like it. You come across as so clueless and judgmental. I read your posts and I feel sorry for you.

Also, the poster you claimed is workaholic works less than your DH, and you claim you wouldn't be married to a workaholic, so I assume you are planning your divorce. Or perhaps we should be honest: you are totally fine with a workaholic husband, you just lash out at women.

That wasn’t me. I have no clue what you’re talking about. I wouldn’t tell anyone to “damn the financial consequences.”

I said that poster must be a workaholic because she makes it sound like she can’t even *comprehend* the idea that some people do not get their sole sense of identity, purpose, and happiness through a paycheck. Some people are able to find fulfilling things to do with their time besides working for someone else. She seems honestly confused by that because people in this thread keep explaining it to her and she keeps saying they haven’t provided a satisfactory answer. That *is* the answer.

You should really think about the fact that you feel incessantly compelled to post about your financial situation as often as you do, to the point where you are recognizable as a poster, when your situation is so irrelevant to the experience of the vast majority of posters.

And as for the workaholic bit, so yes, thanks for confirming you are fine with men working a lot, but feel the need to lash out at women. Don't give me this drivel about intent or whatever: what matters is time, and your husband spends more of it than the PP on work. You are a hypocrite, but that was obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I know you think you're very important, but you're just not important to that many other people. Why would anyone care what you're doing or not doing?

Who exactly is making comments to you, and what are the comments?

Check out 21:32 just above.

Nope, sorry. We're talking about real, actual life. Who in OP's real, actual life is making comments, and what are those real, actual comments?

No one on here walked into OP's living room and started bashing her for being a SAHM. She came in here and started a conversation, and yeah--what with it being the Internet and DCUM and all, people said rude things. Note that they say rude things to and about both SAHMs *and* WOHMs.

OP suggests in her original post that it comes from family, so very well could be in her living room. Why is it so difficult to believe that what some people think on a message board could make its way into real life comments?

Then it should be easy enough for her to answer. The. Question:

Who in OP's life is making these comments (who exactly, not just "family," but "my oldest sister") and what, exactly, are the comments?

[Anonymous]

I’m not OP but posted earlier about comments I have received in real life. I get comments from my mother and sister. I have had comments from neighbors including one who told me my education was such a big waste.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just because someone presents as a SAHM doesn't mean they're not working on some side projects. My neighbors see me as a SAHM of older kids who just...what does she do during the day? I do "SAHM" things like shopping and cleaning, sure. What I don't tell them is that I'm a writer currently shopping a book.

I just let other parents think I do nothing. At all. All day long. It's fun to let them think it.

They probably literally do not think of you at all. You are spending more time hoping they think of you than they actually do think of you.

LOL

Then WHY all these threads about it?!

Good point.

Because bored, unsatisfied SAHMs start navel-gazing threads. If they were fully satisfied with their choices, they wouldn't be on here seeking validation.

Do I get judgment for WOH? Yes. Do I hear it/see it sometimes IRL? Yes. Do I care at all what people who aren't my close family think? Nope. Therefore, I don't start threads about what some rando I've met a few times at my daughter's dance class said in passing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP but posted earlier about comments I have received in real life. I get comments from my mother and sister. I have had comments from neighbors including one who told me my education was such a big waste.

OK, that's great. Not asking you. I AM asking OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because someone presents as a SAHM doesn't mean they're not working on some side projects. My neighbors see me as a SAHM of older kids who just...what does she do during the day? I do "SAHM" things like shopping and cleaning, sure. What I don't tell them is that I'm a writer currently shopping a book.

I just let other parents think I do nothing. At all. All day long. It's fun to let them think it.

They probably literally do not think of you at all. You are spending more time hoping they think of you than they actually do think of you.

LOL

Then WHY all these threads about it?!

Good point.

Because bored, unsatisfied SAHMs start navel-gazing threads. If they were fully satisfied with their choices, they wouldn't be on here seeking validation.

Do I get judgment for WOH? Yes. Do I hear it/see it sometimes IRL? Yes. Do I care at all what people who aren't my close family think? Nope. Therefore, I don't start threads about what some rando I've met a few times at my daughter's dance class said in passing.

PP here just wanting to mention I don't think all SAHMs are bored/satisfied; clearly some are doing great and carry on with their lives, impervious to any comments or judgments they encounter. And clearly the bored/unsatisfied ones are the constant DCUM thread-starters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP but posted earlier about comments I have received in real life. I get comments from my mother and sister. I have had comments from neighbors including one who told me my education was such a big waste.

OK, that's great. Not asking you. I AM asking OP.

You seem like a real jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP but posted earlier about comments I have received in real life. I get comments from my mother and sister. I have had comments from neighbors including one who told me my education was such a big waste.

OK, that's great. Not asking you. I AM asking OP.

You seem like a real jerk.

OK, that's great. Still not asking you anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because someone presents as a SAHM doesn't mean they're not working on some side projects. My neighbors see me as a SAHM of older kids who just...what does she do during the day? I do "SAHM" things like shopping and cleaning, sure. What I don't tell them is that I'm a writer currently shopping a book.

I just let other parents think I do nothing. At all. All day long. It's fun to let them think it.

LMAO "shopping a book"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because someone presents as a SAHM doesn't mean they're not working on some side projects. My neighbors see me as a SAHM of older kids who just...what does she do during the day? I do "SAHM" things like shopping and cleaning, sure. What I don't tell them is that I'm a writer currently shopping a book.

I just let other parents think I do nothing. At all. All day long. It's fun to let them think it.

LMAO "shopping a book"

If she's already a published author, that's legit. If not, not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

Not everyone lives to work.

I can tell you're a workaholic whose identity is wrapped up in what they do for money. That's fine but, if you were truly as smart and perceptive as you think you are, you'd realize not everyone wants to live that way.

And don't bother responding back to deny your workaholism. I can tell because you seem unable to acknowledge why many people don't want to waste their one precious life in an office pushing paper.

It's fine if you feel purpose in what you do. But you can't even acknowledge that other people feel differently. That's a problem.

Read these first before responding.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/01/opinion/burnout-hustle-culture-gentrification-work.html

https://www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2019/jan/28/work-life-balance-thankgoditsmonday

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/

https://www.theatlantic.com/letters/archive/2019/03/readers-respond-workism-is-making-americans-miserable/584377/

You could not be more wrong. Still waiting for an answer to the questions rather than a bunch of defensive bs.
*Insert article about kids of working moms blah blah

I'm a new poster but I happen to agree with the PP. The fact that you can't seem to wrap your head around why someone might choose to live differently from you is very telling.

Fwiw, a person can have hobbies that they're very involved with that are fulfilling and yet don't pay money. Do you really not get that?

I never said I didn’t. I just want people to answer those questions. What they obviously are not comfortable doing. You do you.

They did answer the question. They're ok with filling their free time with hobbies and leisure because "they don't work to live." That's the verbatim answer.

Are you dense?

Yes, I am. Got me! Shouldn’t have expected any kind of intellectual discourse. Carry on.

You don't like the answer because you don't understand it. You can't wrap your brain around the fact that some people don't need a paycheck in order to have an identity or feel secure in the world.

It's sad. Work /= life or happiness.

You're a workaholic. Look it up. Read those articles! I'm saying this for your own good, believe it or not.

DP. Do you provide these articles to your husband, too? Or just to women?

Of course. He's not a workaholic. I wouldn't marry one or stay married to one.

PP works 30 hours a week. Does your husband work less than that?

40-50, guaranteed income of at least 1M which I’m sure you will admit is a pretty good deal. He works on 3 year contracts.

He works remotely in finance and can make his own hours.

I remember you. You post ALL the time with the same details, so you are memorable. There was a thread awhile back where a woman whose husband made under $100k who was considering staying home and I remember you talking about how she should stay home because it was great, damn the financial consequences, because your DH made a lot of money and you like it. You come across as so clueless and judgmental. I read your posts and I feel sorry for you.

Also, the poster you claimed is workaholic works less than your DH, and you claim you wouldn't be married to a workaholic, so I assume you are planning your divorce. Or perhaps we should be honest: you are totally fine with a workaholic husband, you just lash out at women.

That wasn’t me. I have no clue what you’re talking about. I wouldn’t tell anyone to “damn the financial consequences.”

I said that poster must be a workaholic because she makes it sound like she can’t even *comprehend* the idea that some people do not get their sole sense of identity, purpose, and happiness through a paycheck. Some people are able to find fulfilling things to do with their time besides working for someone else. She seems honestly confused by that because people in this thread keep explaining it to her and she keeps saying they haven’t provided a satisfactory answer. That *is* the answer.

I'm the poster you're referring to, and I've not said any of the things you're insisting I did. Not one. Nothing about sole sense of identity. Nothing about 'working for someone else.' Nothing about happiness.

[Anonymous]

If we could still afford a really nice lifestyle, I'd stay at home. I don't think I'd want to do it at the infant/toddler stage when they're at home the whole time without having someone to give me some breaks here and there. That's what my SIL does. She has an arrangement where she takes her DD to a neighbor's and the nanny watches her for a few hours certain days a week. The nanny gets paid extra and the other child gets to socialize some. Seems perfect.

I like my high powered job and it pays better than DH's, so we get to save lots and live nicely, so it ends up being worth it, but if I could feel similarly financially secure without it, I'd happily give it up. DH loves his job and is really into it, so he'll probably never even want to retire. And once the kids are in school, I could do some volunteering or other things that would be productive and rewarding.

Spending time raising your own kids is hardly something to be ashamed of or shame others for, but it does get tied up in gender issues/politics, so I think some people seem to view an individual's choice through that lens even if those issues have little to do with why the person decided to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

The only people's opinions I care about when it comes to my choice to work or stay home are my DH's and my kids'. OP, no one else's expectations or opinions should matter.

[Anonymous]

I don't really care, I suppose. I do know my own SAHM did view part of her role in raising 3 daughters to be that we would go on to be successful in a way that incorporated career success. She hasn't yet had a SAHM child, and while I know it worked for her, I think she is somewhat relieved no daughters have followed that path. Particularly (this sounds terrible, I realize) if the stay at home route came at the expense of reasonable finances. She's an OG feminist. She raised women who work and bring in the dollaz.