SAHM shaming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say. The women who come in here bragging about their 30 hour a week, high powered, well paying jobs are just as obnoxious as the ones who come in bragging about their husbands who make seven figures. Those are unicorn jobs and you know it.

Great if you have one but you know for a fact that you have no business shaming those of us for being unable to find one in the current work environment where work is supposed to be your top priority and they'll tell you to go pound salt if it's not.

I have to agree, it is an asshole move.

I SAHM partly because of logistics.

Last week, one of my kids got sick. She was sent home early one day then was out for the next three days with a high fever and vomiting.

She went back to school today but unfortunately her brother came down with the same thing yesterday. Same symptoms so I'm thinking he's going to be out for the next couple days too.

If our other child gets it, then that'll be another 2-3 days tacked on that someone needs to be home with a sick child.

This happens in our family probably twice a year - that each of our 3 kids gets sick domino style, one by one in a row. They don't all get it at the same time, that would be too easy.

Then add in all the random cold/snow days, half days for holidays or conferences. It would all fall on me because my husband has always been the breadwinner by a lot and it's only common sense to protect the job that funds your life.

What office would put up with this?

SAHMs never believe that flexible, well-paying jobs exist. Their husbands insist they HAVE to work crazy hours or the world would explode, and they've never earned their own flexibility because a) the workforce has changed significantly with telework etc since they've been in it and b) they were never senior enough to earn flexibility.

I can name a dozen women off the top of my head in these positions, but to SAHMs they're unicorns.

Yup, I do not have "high-powered" position, but I am paid well enough, hopefully making the world a slightly better place, with 7 weeks of paid leave a year. My partner has what would be considered a "High-powered" job but he still shares the responsibility of child care emergency, because he knows that's his job too.

Right! I don't work a particularly high powered job and neither does my partner but in a situation described by the first PP, we would switch off taking the sick days in the event of domino effect sickness. I don't understand why SAHM's make these minor logistical issues sound like the end of the world and a reason not to work. If you want to stay home, go ahead and do it but don't act like it's because it would be impossible to work .

Your minor logistical issue is someone else's crisis. Some of us put our jobs on line missing work repeatedly for sick kids. Even if partners trade off, a bad winter of illness can cause both parents to use up leave and vacation time. In the exmple of the children falling ill domino style, it is far less stressful in the home with a sahp. It just is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoever shames you is jealous. That's the only reason they care.

How to explain those of us who CHOOSE to work, when we don't have to financially? We could literally be in their position, but aren't. I'm not sure you understand how jealousy works.

People like you who are secure in their choices would likely not be the ones making comments to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoever shames you is jealous. That's the only reason they care.

How to explain those of us who CHOOSE to work, when we don't have to financially? We could literally be in their position, but aren't. I'm not sure you understand how jealousy works.

Lol and do you make shaming comments to SAHMs? No?

Then this comment isn’t directed toward you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoever shames you is jealous. That's the only reason they care.

+1

If you truly don’t care, then you also don’t care enough to say something you know is rude.

X 1000

Secure people don’t spend their time tearing down others. Period.

I don’t know how there is anything left to be said about the topic.

Make the best choice for you/your family/your circstances and then mind your own beeswax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

Not everyone lives to work.

I can tell you're a workaholic whose identity is wrapped up in what they do for money. That's fine but, if you were truly as smart and perceptive as you think you are, you'd realize not everyone wants to live that way.

And don't bother responding back to deny your workaholism. I can tell because you seem unable to acknowledge why many people don't want to waste their one precious life in an office pushing paper.

It's fine if you feel purpose in what you do. But you can't even acknowledge that other people feel differently. That's a problem.

Read these first before responding.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/01/opinion/burnout-hustle-culture-gentrification-work.html

https://www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2019/jan/28/work-life-balance-thankgoditsmonday

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/

https://www.theatlantic.com/letters/archive/2019/03/readers-respond-workism-is-making-americans-miserable/584377/

NP. You have a huge chip on your shoulder. PP only asked a question - you're the one who seems to think it was loaded.

New poster.

how is the bolded not a loaded question?

I actually agree that any person who asks the question like that can't envision the obvious answer. Duh. It's because they're rich enough to pursue leisure and hobbies all day.

If you read the thread, this is pointed out to that poster NUMEROUS times and still she persists in pretending she doesn't understand.

So that poster is either a workaholic (someone who can't envision why others don't live to work) OR an assh0le.

I'm not sure which is worse.

I'm the one who posted the original question. I'm rich.
And of course PP, she'd never send her husband any of those articles - because it's ok for men to live to work. But her husband doesn't... etc.

Ok so you're not a workaholic.

You're an assh0le who asked a rude question.

Got it.

That STILL hasn't been answered. How triggered are you, girl?

Um, I'm the person who said

a.) no one has ever said anything negative to my face about it

b.) that I agree with the person who said they spend time on their hobbies

and

b.) you use your education all the time as you move through the world. It's a core part of your identity. It's one of the largest pieces that make you who you are.

Soooo I answered the question.

I still think you're an assh0le.

DP. Correction: you are both a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If being a SAHM is so amazing and wonderful, why does it seem like SAHM's are in need of constant validation and praise?

I’m an immigrant and it’s hilarious to me how everyone in this country falls over themselves to declare staying at home with kids is the “hardest job in the world.”

[Anonymous]

I find it really interesting that the hierarchy of moms differs geographically. I am in Fairfax and was comparing notes with a colleague who lives in Brooklyn. In my neighborhood, the reality is the opposite of what this thread would suggest. That is, SAHMs are top-tier, followed by moms that have reduced schedules or do their outside job from home, followed by moms that work full-time outside the home, followed by moms that work outside the home and are married to a SAHD. (I'm in that bottom tier.) Apparently, in my colleague's Brooklyn neighborhood, I would be at the top. Unfortunately, I like the space I get in suburbia so I am doomed to endure the shame of my bottom-tier existence! If only I wanted to live in Brooklyn.

[Anonymous]

SAHMs with young kids are working hard. SAHMs with school-age kids are kind of a waste of space, barring those who spend a reasonable amount of time on volunteering or SN care or elder care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs with young kids are working hard. SAHMs with school-age kids are kind of a waste of space, barring those who spend a reasonable amount of time on volunteering or SN care or elder care

A waste of space? With all due respect, I don't owe it to humanity to provide a certain level of productivity. How I spend my time is my call and my family's decision. If we don't need the money and like the lifestyle me staying home provides, why should anyone else care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs with young kids are working hard. SAHMs with school-age kids are kind of a waste of space, barring those who spend a reasonable amount of time on volunteering or SN care or elder care

What’s the part of working a paid job you don’t have a passion for if you don’t need the money?

[Anonymous]

^point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what decisions you make people will judge them ... you need to stop letting peoples opinions affect you.

This. Grass is always greener for everyone. Own your choices, don't let others have power over you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what decisions you make people will judge them ... you need to stop letting peoples opinions affect you.

This. Grass is always greener for everyone. Own your choices, don't let others have power over you.

Wow. So original.

[Anonymous]

Whoever shames you is jealous. That's the only reason they care.

This applies to literally all shaming situations. People only shame others out of a sense of their own inadequacy. They shame others because they feel shame.

I wish I'd learned this earlier in life. When people shame you, it's always a sign of their own weakness and vulnerability. If you can, separating yourself from the shaming enough to look critically at the person doing it will almost always show this. It's just hard because often you get shamed when you are in a vulnerable position yourself. I have reacted very angrily and defensively to shaming in the past because people shamed me over things I was already feeling unsure of.

But SAHMing wasn't one of those. Some people criticized that choice, but it was one of the first decisions I made as an adult that I felt very confident in. I knew it was the right things and my partner and I made the choice pretty easily and accepted the tradeoffs it caused very calmly. There was no debate. So when other people expressed surprise or disappointment that I'd left my job, it really wasn't that hard to just shrug and say "this makes sense for us, but of course the equation is different for everyone."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs with young kids are working hard. SAHMs with school-age kids are kind of a waste of space, barring those who spend a reasonable amount of time on volunteering or SN care or elder care

What’s the part of working a paid job you don’t have a passion for if you don’t need the money?

No point, but don't expect to be revered for it.