SAHM shaming

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

Not everyone lives to work.

I can tell you're a workaholic whose identity is wrapped up in what they do for money. That's fine but, if you were truly as smart and perceptive as you think you are, you'd realize not everyone wants to live that way.

And don't bother responding back to deny your workaholism. I can tell because you seem unable to acknowledge why many people don't want to waste their one precious life in an office pushing paper.

It's fine if you feel purpose in what you do. But you can't even acknowledge that other people feel differently. That's a problem.

Read these first before responding.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/01/opinion/burnout-hustle-culture-gentrification-work.html

https://www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2019/jan/28/work-life-balance-thankgoditsmonday

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/

https://www.theatlantic.com/letters/archive/2019/03/readers-respond-workism-is-making-americans-miserable/584377/

You could not be more wrong. Still waiting for an answer to the questions rather than a bunch of defensive bs.
*Insert article about kids of working moms blah blah

I'm a new poster but I happen to agree with the PP. The fact that you can't seem to wrap your head around why someone might choose to live differently from you is very telling.

Fwiw, a person can have hobbies that they're very involved with that are fulfilling and yet don't pay money. Do you really not get that?

I never said I didn’t. I just want people to answer those questions. What they obviously are not comfortable doing. You do you.

They did answer the question. They're ok with filling their free time with hobbies and leisure because "they don't work to live." That's the verbatim answer.

Are you dense?

Yes, I am. Got me! Shouldn’t have expected any kind of intellectual discourse. Carry on.

You don't like the answer because you don't understand it. You can't wrap your brain around the fact that some people don't need a paycheck in order to have an identity or feel secure in the world.

It's sad. Work /= life or happiness.

You're a workaholic. Look it up. Read those articles! I'm saying this for your own good, believe it or not.

DP. Do you provide these articles to your husband, too? Or just to women?

Of course. He's not a workaholic. I wouldn't marry one or stay married to one.

PP works 30 hours a week. Does your husband work less than that?

40-50, guaranteed income of at least 1M which I’m sure you will admit is a pretty good deal. He works on 3 year contracts.

He works remotely in finance and can make his own hours.

I remember you. You post ALL the time with the same details, so you are memorable. There was a thread awhile back where a woman whose husband made under $100k who was considering staying home and I remember you talking about how she should stay home because it was great, damn the financial consequences, because your DH made a lot of money and you like it. You come across as so clueless and judgmental. I read your posts and I feel sorry for you.

Also, the poster you claimed is workaholic works less than your DH, and you claim you wouldn't be married to a workaholic, so I assume you are planning your divorce. Or perhaps we should be honest: you are totally fine with a workaholic husband, you just lash out at women.

That wasn’t me. I have no clue what you’re talking about. I wouldn’t tell anyone to “damn the financial consequences.”

I said that poster must be a workaholic because she makes it sound like she can’t even *comprehend* the idea that some people do not get their sole sense of identity, purpose, and happiness through a paycheck. Some people are able to find fulfilling things to do with their time besides working for someone else. She seems honestly confused by that because people in this thread keep explaining it to her and she keeps saying they haven’t provided a satisfactory answer. That *is* the answer.

You should really think about the fact that you feel incessantly compelled to post about your financial situation as often as you do, to the point where you are recognizable as a poster, when your situation is so irrelevant to the experience of the vast majority of posters.

And as for the workaholic bit, so yes, thanks for confirming you are fine with men working a lot, but feel the need to lash out at women. Don't give me this drivel about intent or whatever: what matters is time, and your husband spends more of it than the PP on work. You are a hypocrite, but that was obvious.

Lol are you kidding me? YOU were pressing ME about the details of my husband’s job and claiming I am some anti working women hypocrite which is not the case at all. What I am against is the very American capitalist phenomenon of pressuring people into making their job their biggest source of identity in life. Then I answer the question and you accuse me of bragging. You are very irrational.

He is not a workaholic at all and in fact plans to retire by fifty. He’s at his present job because the money and flexibility were too good to give up.

[Anonymous]

There are some SAHMs who are very happy to stay home; there are some WMs who are very happy to work. And then there are some SAHMs who want to return to work, but can't for whatever reason, just like some WMs who would love to stay at home, but can't for whatever reason. As others have said, you will be judged for everything you do, whether it's working or not, FF or BF, forward facing or rear facing, organic or conventional, etc.

[Anonymous]

This conversation is so ridiculous and yes I am adding to the mess so flame away.

I know SAHM whose families are sacrificing so the Mom can stay at home. They think that it is really important for someone to be there with the kids when they are younger, before school, and home for when the kids get home from school. Some times they look for part time work or full time work when the kids go to school because the money would be helpful. More power to them.

I know SAHMs who are not hurt by the Mom staying at home. The Mom is happy to be at home and the family lives a comfortable lifestyle. More power to them.

I know Working moms who work because they want to but they don't have to. They are fine with their kids attending daycare/Preschool and feel like work is important to them. They like the financial benefits they bring home and they like that they know that they will be in a better place if anything happens to their husband.

I know Working Moms who work because they have to. They would rather be home with their kids but their family cannot afford to live unless they are working. That could mean that the family cannot afford vacations or more expensive electronics, it could mean the family can't afford the mortgage or the rent. They choose to move to an area that requires both parents work for the schools and the opportunities for their kids.

What I don't get is why people can't just accept other peoples choices and be fine that people made different choices then they did.

I don't know if I would be happy as a SAHM. I think I would enjoy it far more with my child in school. I would like to be able to volunteer at the school more frequently. I enjoy volunteering with his Cub Scout Pack. I would be happy to work with a variety of charities. I know I would not have been happy as a SAHM when he was a toddler. We would have to have taken a ton of classes and set up regular play dates. I enjoy work because of the adult contact and conversations and I enjoy the work that I do. My job is also flexible enough that I am able to help out with classroom parties and attend the music demonstration and the like. I like bringing in a pay check and contributing to our retirement.

The people who I feel bad for are people who are forced into a decision that they really don't want. The people who really want to be at home but have to work. The people who want to work but have to be home (SN kid or sick parent or some type of disability). Outside of that, you make your choice and be cool with it. I'll make my choice and be cool with it. I might have the occasional twinge of jealousy but 99% of the time I am happy with my decision.

[Anonymous]

Reasons to work when your kids are little:
1). You want/need the money
2). You have amazing childcare, and you don’t want to give it up
3). You work in a field that is impossible to get back into after a break
4). Your husband does not want to be the sole financial provider for the family
5). You kind of hate doing housework and taking care of children and you need an excuse to get out of it
6). You and your husband are 50/50 with everything, you both like it this way, and you don’t want to rock the boat. Plus the sex is better when he sees you dressed up every day for work.
7). You have some kind of very specialized job, and people will die of you don’t go to work.

Reasons to SAH
1). The amount of money you make doesn’t make a significant difference to your lifestyle either because your spouse makes so much more or you don’t really make enough to cover good childcare.
2). You can’t find a childcare option that you are really happy with
3). You know that you will be able to return to work whenever you choose to if SAH doesn’t work out.
4). Your husband works long hours and already pushes a lot of the housework and childcare on you, and you are fairly happy to take it on.
5). You love being a mother, playing with your kids, and taking care of your family. This is what you are born to do, and you are willing to make almost any sacrifice to make it happen.
6). Your marriage and home just seem to function more smoothly with traditional gender roles. Plus the sex is better when you both have more time and are more relaxed.
7). The children of this intense workaholic you married are really uptight and need their home life to be as relaxed and consistent as possible .

A lot of people have multiple things from both columns and understand why another woman might make a different choice, or might make different choices at different points in their lives as the balance shifts to weight one column or another. A few women have everything in one column and nothing in the other and do not understand why anyone else would make a different decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reasons to work when your kids are little:
1). You want/need the money
2). You have amazing childcare, and you don’t want to give it up
3). You work in a field that is impossible to get back into after a break
4). Your husband does not want to be the sole financial provider for the family
5). You kind of hate doing housework and taking care of children and you need an excuse to get out of it
6). You and your husband are 50/50 with everything, you both like it this way, and you don’t want to rock the boat. Plus the sex is better when he sees you dressed up every day for work.
7). You have some kind of very specialized job, and people will die of you don’t go to work.

Reasons to SAH
1). The amount of money you make doesn’t make a significant difference to your lifestyle either because your spouse makes so much more or you don’t really make enough to cover good childcare.
2). You can’t find a childcare option that you are really happy with
3). You know that you will be able to return to work whenever you choose to if SAH doesn’t work out.
4). Your husband works long hours and already pushes a lot of the housework and childcare on you, and you are fairly happy to take it on.
5). You love being a mother, playing with your kids, and taking care of your family. This is what you are born to do, and you are willing to make almost any sacrifice to make it happen.
6). Your marriage and home just seem to function more smoothly with traditional gender roles. Plus the sex is better when you both have more time and are more relaxed.
7). The children of this intense workaholic you married are really uptight and need their home life to be as relaxed and consistent as possible .

A lot of people have multiple things from both columns and understand why another woman might make a different choice, or might make different choices at different points in their lives as the balance shifts to weight one column or another. A few women have everything in one column and nothing in the other and do not understand why anyone else would make a different decision.

Ha! Love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reasons to work when your kids are little:
1). You want/need the money
2). You have amazing childcare, and you don’t want to give it up
3). You work in a field that is impossible to get back into after a break
4). Your husband does not want to be the sole financial provider for the family
5). You kind of hate doing housework and taking care of children and you need an excuse to get out of it
6). You and your husband are 50/50 with everything, you both like it this way, and you don’t want to rock the boat. Plus the sex is better when he sees you dressed up every day for work.
7). You have some kind of very specialized job, and people will die of you don’t go to work.

Reasons to SAH
1). The amount of money you make doesn’t make a significant difference to your lifestyle either because your spouse makes so much more or you don’t really make enough to cover good childcare.
2). You can’t find a childcare option that you are really happy with
3). You know that you will be able to return to work whenever you choose to if SAH doesn’t work out.
4). Your husband works long hours and already pushes a lot of the housework and childcare on you, and you are fairly happy to take it on.
5). You love being a mother, playing with your kids, and taking care of your family. This is what you are born to do, and you are willing to make almost any sacrifice to make it happen.
6). Your marriage and home just seem to function more smoothly with traditional gender roles. Plus the sex is better when you both have more time and are more relaxed.
7). The children of this intense workaholic you married are really uptight and need their home life to be as relaxed and consistent as possible .

A lot of people have multiple things from both columns and understand why another woman might make a different choice, or might make different choices at different points in their lives as the balance shifts to weight one column or another. A few women have everything in one column and nothing in the other and do not understand why anyone else would make a different decision.

What pushed it into column A for me isn't listed here--I had a really good cushy job with flexibility and WAH options that meant I could spend a lot of time with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to own your choices and live with the consequences. My kids are both in college now. I chose to quit my career and raise them at home because I could not deal with the whole nanny thing. Do I think it made a difference in the outcome for my children. Can’t really say. But at the end of the day we only get one shot at a life well lived and for me, I am glad I spent that time with my children. I wasn’t destined to cure cancer, but I could possibly make a difference in the lives of my family.

When children have a stable, competent and loving primary caregiver, they are most fortunate. You have done the hardest and most important job there is. Believe me.

Kudos to you for making the biggest sacrifice. Kudos to your spouse for supporting your vitally important work.

OP, if you ever wonder why people make jabs at SAHMs, it's people like this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Assuming you're not also an asshole, then just let it slide off your back and don't worry what other people think. Live your life and enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I guess I should be happy the SAHM bashing waited until page 3.

SAHMs who are assholes deserve to be based.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

NP, and a WOHM, and I'm going to challenge your premise here. Do you get that the more intelligent, educated and informed a parent is, the more they are going to pass those qualities on to their children and promote their children's education? Education enriches your life and your mind and yes, your soul, beyond career viability. You do get that, right?

I can't believe you don't value an educated/intelligent parent. Wouldn't you hire a nanny with more education who seemed more intelligent and well-read? Well, if you value those traits for hired child care help, why wouldn't you value it for the stay-at-home parent.

Your premise is sexist and bullshyt, and I'm callling you out. I work with a woman who a global expert on girls' education and empowerment; she used to work for the United Nations, running programs on girls' education. And she says the #1 influencer of whether or not a girl will be educated and will develop a strong mind is the influence, example and encouragement of her mother.

I'll just leave that right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

NP, and a WOHM, and I'm going to challenge your premise here. Do you get that the more intelligent, educated and informed a parent is, the more they are going to pass those qualities on to their children and promote their children's education? Education enriches your life and your mind and yes, your soul, beyond career viability. You do get that, right?

I can't believe you don't value an educated/intelligent parent. Wouldn't you hire a nanny with more education who seemed more intelligent and well-read? Well, if you value those traits for hired child care help, why wouldn't you value it for the stay-at-home parent.

Your premise is sexist and bullshyt, and I'm callling you out. I work with a woman who a global expert on girls' education and empowerment; she used to work for the United Nations, running programs on girls' education. And she says the #1 influencer of whether or not a girl will be educated and will develop a strong mind is the influence, example and encouragement of her mother.

I'll just leave that right there.

I had the same reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

Not everyone lives to work.

I can tell you're a workaholic whose identity is wrapped up in what they do for money. That's fine but, if you were truly as smart and perceptive as you think you are, you'd realize not everyone wants to live that way.

And don't bother responding back to deny your workaholism. I can tell because you seem unable to acknowledge why many people don't want to waste their one precious life in an office pushing paper.

It's fine if you feel purpose in what you do. But you can't even acknowledge that other people feel differently. That's a problem.

Read these first before responding.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/01/opinion/burnout-hustle-culture-gentrification-work.html

https://www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2019/jan/28/work-life-balance-thankgoditsmonday

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/

https://www.theatlantic.com/letters/archive/2019/03/readers-respond-workism-is-making-americans-miserable/584377/

NP. You have a huge chip on your shoulder. PP only asked a question - you're the one who seems to think it was loaded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't win. My in laws frown on me for working but my family would frown on my for not working.

Are you me? My in laws just can't believe I'm choosing to work. My mom would be horrified if I gave up my career.

My mom was shocked I was considering going back to work when my first was born - I ended up being SAHM for eight years, during which she would talk about how I was wasting my life “baking cookies all day.” Now that I work I am made to feel guilty when the kids are in camp several weeks over the summer. It’s a no win situation and you have to do what’s best for you.
FWIW, I work full time now and still bake cookies all the time.

[Anonymous]

What if you refuse to be shamed?

Being a well-off SAHM in a great marriage is something that required luck and work. Many moms would kill to be in my shoes. When I find a better situation for me, from where I am right now, I will strive for that. As of now, there is nothing that looks remotely interesting and fulfilling and comfortable than where I am.

- Happy "guilt-free" SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m rarely uncomfortable with people criticizing my SAHM status. In fact, I embrace it! If they ask what I do all day, I say I run errands, laundry, clean up a little bit, go to the gym, play a whole lot of tennis, cuddle with my dogs. Sometimes I’m nap, sometimes I read, go to lunch or coffee with my girlfriends (a mix of SAH and working moms), go on field trips and volunteer at school.

I don’t pretend that it’s the hardest job in the world and I’m not looking for praise from others. It is what it is and it works for my family. Other families are different and I respect that.

Totally serious question and I respect your answer. Are you OK with this as your life? Did you go to college? Do you have daughters and expect them to excel academically? What are your life goals?

Not everyone lives to work.

I can tell you're a workaholic whose identity is wrapped up in what they do for money. That's fine but, if you were truly as smart and perceptive as you think you are, you'd realize not everyone wants to live that way.

And don't bother responding back to deny your workaholism. I can tell because you seem unable to acknowledge why many people don't want to waste their one precious life in an office pushing paper.

It's fine if you feel purpose in what you do. But you can't even acknowledge that other people feel differently. That's a problem.

Read these first before responding.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/01/opinion/burnout-hustle-culture-gentrification-work.html

https://www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2019/jan/28/work-life-balance-thankgoditsmonday

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/

https://www.theatlantic.com/letters/archive/2019/03/readers-respond-workism-is-making-americans-miserable/584377/

NP. You have a huge chip on your shoulder. PP only asked a question - you're the one who seems to think it was loaded.

It's even worse than that, if you follow the thread. Her own husband works more hours than the PP who asked her the question, but she insists she would never be married to a workaholic, so workaholism is only an issue for her if it's other women working, not her own husband who supports her lavish HHI (which she also bragged about). She wouldn't send her husband these links, for instance, even if he works more hours than PP. (She actually stated that in the thread.)

Such an insufferable hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasons to work when your kids are little:
1). You want/need the money
2). You have amazing childcare, and you don’t want to give it up
3). You work in a field that is impossible to get back into after a break
4). Your husband does not want to be the sole financial provider for the family
5). You kind of hate doing housework and taking care of children and you need an excuse to get out of it
6). You and your husband are 50/50 with everything, you both like it this way, and you don’t want to rock the boat. Plus the sex is better when he sees you dressed up every day for work.
7). You have some kind of very specialized job, and people will die of you don’t go to work.

Reasons to SAH
1). The amount of money you make doesn’t make a significant difference to your lifestyle either because your spouse makes so much more or you don’t really make enough to cover good childcare.
2). You can’t find a childcare option that you are really happy with
3). You know that you will be able to return to work whenever you choose to if SAH doesn’t work out.
4). Your husband works long hours and already pushes a lot of the housework and childcare on you, and you are fairly happy to take it on.
5). You love being a mother, playing with your kids, and taking care of your family. This is what you are born to do, and you are willing to make almost any sacrifice to make it happen.
6). Your marriage and home just seem to function more smoothly with traditional gender roles. Plus the sex is better when you both have more time and are more relaxed.
7). The children of this intense workaholic you married are really uptight and need their home life to be as relaxed and consistent as possible .

A lot of people have multiple things from both columns and understand why another woman might make a different choice, or might make different choices at different points in their lives as the balance shifts to weight one column or another. A few women have everything in one column and nothing in the other and do not understand why anyone else would make a different decision.

What pushed it into column A for me isn't listed here--I had a really good cushy job with flexibility and WAH options that meant I could spend a lot of time with my kids.

I will add it to the list