Explain to me why it is so hard to raise teenagers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

I remember having a really good friend from South Korea when I was in high school in the early 90s. She was very smart (she and her brother eventually went to Harvard). I remember her telling me that if she did not bring home a high A, she would get beaten by her father. She was really scared when she told me that. Great parenting.

Not every Asian kid gets beaten by their parents. In fact, threatening works just as well. I get amused when I remember the time when my mom cracked a belt against the floor because she wanted me to improve my performance in one of my subjects. I was so scared I agreed to whatever...and no, I don't have PTSD, anxiety or depression or whatever mental health issues you want to project. I don't condone inflicting any physical harm on anyone, but you can still discipline a child properly without resorting to violence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

I was considered a 'good' kid in high school and I still snuck off to Ocean City, NYC, all kinds of places my parents had no idea about. We would go during school, during the weekends when they thought we were doing something else, it was easy. Even the academic, good student crowd experimented with smoking, drinking, sex. I dread the teenage years because I know exactly how much I got away with.

If you did all that you didn't have very involved parents or you are not involved parents. You weren't a good kid if you were sneaking off to NYC and Ocean City and doing all kids of things that your parents basically ignored. You'd have to know as whose paying for all that?

We see.

Your oldest is in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

This thread is entertaining! You can tell the posters who actually have teens...and get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

oh yes. The one who expresses concern about a kid is the one who needs to unclench. Physical abuse is so witty these days! Are you the pp who wants one kid to knock the other one out? Aren't we supposed to take people at their word? After all, that poster hasn't come back and said "just joking!"

You are the one who needs serious help.

I dont need to say just joking. I don't expect grown ass adults to be so dense.

Are you new to the English language or did you just skip class when they taught what a figure of speech was?

Dear lord, I cant believe an adult needs this spelled out. Unclench. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

You can't deny that these countries have much lower violent crime rates than the US. Nor the drug use rates either. Parents there do a better job monitoring and parenting their children.

So how do you explain the low crime rate in Sweden? It is a CRIME to so much as spank your child. Illegal accross the entire country. Even "time-out" is frowned upon. They are much much more protective of childnren's bodies then we in the US are.

Isn't that recent? It's true that Sweden's crime rate is lower than the US but their crime rate is still higher than Asian countries where discipline is enforced. I also suppose that with the welfare system that the Swedes have, there isn't so much to worry about- one doesn't have to commit crime to buy food for example, even if they're degenerate hobos.

Asia is a huge continent with 4.5 billion people. Asia is culturally diverse. Just an FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

I have a lot of experience which is why I trust and verify. Ocean City is not exactly like going to the mall.

If your kids say they’re hanging out all day with other friends, how do you verify that they didn’t go to the beach? It’s less than three hours away, and they could totally make a day trip out of it. Other than requiring them to see you face to face every 2 hours, how do you know they’re not sneaking off on day trips once in a while?

Besides, I thought almost everyone did that at some point as a kid.

During the school day you can go online and check attendance. I expect mine to work, sports or do something during the summer and yes, you check and make sure they are there at times. You use a tracker on the phone and pay attention to money/your car (tracker on car), etc. Yes, you check on your kid every few hours.

We didn't do any of that as teens. My parents would have killed us and we had to check in. If we wanted to do something, depending on what it was, it wasn't an issue but they had to know where we were, when we'd be home and call if we were late.

If you don't know, you are a pretty checked out parent.

Although you are obnoxious, I will answer your “why aren’t you monitoring all the time” question anyway. Somehow you have to go from your cherubic five year old through the tweens and teens and arrive at responsible adulthood. You get there by slowly letting go. Which means, you d9nt treat your kid like a convict or a parolee. You slowly back away. And, some kids do things like cut school or go to the beach. Hopefully, while abusing their freedom they still maintain enough good sense and don’t really get hurt. But you have to get from holding hands to cross the road to moving out somehow. That means stepping back. Otherwise, they go to college with no sense whatsoever and fail to launch, as they say.

We were asked here what is hard about parenting teens. Finding the balance, and letting them go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

Apparently not in Manila. I've never been so unsafe in my life. J suppose not enough spanking goes on there. Same with Bangkok. Needs more spanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They cross over a threshold where they are more aware. They actually know you and if your personality is controlling, rude, you drink too much, you are lazy, over eat, etc... they will call you out the moment you ask them why they have a B.

If you come back with I pay the bills how dare you the war is on.

Sounds like you're talking from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

I have a lot of experience which is why I trust and verify. Ocean City is not exactly like going to the mall.

If your kids say they’re hanging out all day with other friends, how do you verify that they didn’t go to the beach? It’s less than three hours away, and they could totally make a day trip out of it. Other than requiring them to see you face to face every 2 hours, how do you know they’re not sneaking off on day trips once in a while?

Besides, I thought almost everyone did that at some point as a kid.

During the school day you can go online and check attendance. I expect mine to work, sports or do something during the summer and yes, you check and make sure they are there at times. You use a tracker on the phone and pay attention to money/your car (tracker on car), etc. Yes, you check on your kid every few hours.

We didn't do any of that as teens. My parents would have killed us and we had to check in. If we wanted to do something, depending on what it was, it wasn't an issue but they had to know where we were, when we'd be home and call if we were late.

If you don't know, you are a pretty checked out parent.

I was thinking of it more as a summer activity, you know, since it’s the beach. I don’t want to be big brother so I don’t have a tracker on my kids’ phones. It seems excessive. My oldest works part time but even if it were a full time job in the summer, there are still days off. I don’t think it’s healthy to be overscheduled. I guess I’m checked out by your standards, because I’m not going to FaceTime my 16yo to make sure he’s where he says he is every 2 hours. Have fun with that. Even the most helicoptering parents I know don't do that with their teens, but if it works for you and your child, then do what’s best. Mine function better with some freedom and trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something I haven’t seen mentioned yet is this. Teen years are when mental health issues start to surface. Add that to the hormones and changing relationships and, well, scary doesn’t even come close to describing your ride through those years.

I have a large age gap between my kids so I’m not far enough from the sleepless nights and toddler years to have forgotten them. I would never say to a mom of toddlers that they have a walk in the park compared to what might be in their future. But seriously, nothing prepares you for parenting a teen with mental illness.

I'm sorry. Yes, mental illness does show up or get worse in teens, and a lot of addiction issues do too. You are absolutely right. I'm sorry for what you have gone through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever watched the Sopranos? Here's a scene that is forever burned in my memory...Tony's final line pretty much says it all. It's not just the disagreements with your teens but with your spouse too...we have teenagers and have had way too many conversations like this one:

Meadow, 16, throws a party while her parents are out and gets caught.

Later in bed, her parents are disagreeing on what to do.

Carmela: There has to be consequences! Plenty of parents still crack the whip!
Tony: Yeah, that's what they tell ya
Carmela: I cannot wait until she goes off to college
Tony: Oh so you can be F'd up with the empty nest syndrome and go on Wellbutrin like your sister
Carmela: As a parent today, you are over a barrel no matter what you do. If you take away their car, you become their chauffeur. If you ground her, you gotta stay home and be prison guard.
Tony: If you throw her out, Social Services would bring her back and we'd be the ones in front of a judge. She's not even 18 yet.
Carmela: That's your solution, throw your daughter out??
Tony: All i'm sayin', with the laws today, you can't even restrain your kid physically, 'cause she could sue you for child abuse
Carmela: There.has.to.be.consequences.
Tony: And there will be. I hear ya, ok? Let's just not overplay our hand, because if she finds out we're powerless, we're f**ked."

In the end, Meadow suggests they take away her Discover Card and they take her up on it. Consequences!

I love this analogy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

I have a lot of experience which is why I trust and verify. Ocean City is not exactly like going to the mall.

If your kids say they’re hanging out all day with other friends, how do you verify that they didn’t go to the beach? It’s less than three hours away, and they could totally make a day trip out of it. Other than requiring them to see you face to face every 2 hours, how do you know they’re not sneaking off on day trips once in a while?

Besides, I thought almost everyone did that at some point as a kid.

During the school day you can go online and check attendance. I expect mine to work, sports or do something during the summer and yes, you check and make sure they are there at times. You use a tracker on the phone and pay attention to money/your car (tracker on car), etc. Yes, you check on your kid every few hours.

We didn't do any of that as teens. My parents would have killed us and we had to check in. If we wanted to do something, depending on what it was, it wasn't an issue but they had to know where we were, when we'd be home and call if we were late.

If you don't know, you are a pretty checked out parent.

Although you are obnoxious, I will answer your “why aren’t you monitoring all the time” question anyway. Somehow you have to go from your cherubic five year old through the tweens and teens and arrive at responsible adulthood. You get there by slowly letting go. Which means, you d9nt treat your kid like a convict or a parolee. You slowly back away. And, some kids do things like cut school or go to the beach. Hopefully, while abusing their freedom they still maintain enough good sense and don’t really get hurt. But you have to get from holding hands to cross the road to moving out somehow. That means stepping back. Otherwise, they go to college with no sense whatsoever and fail to launch, as they say.

We were asked here what is hard about parenting teens. Finding the balance, and letting them go.

THIS IS PERFECT.

[Anonymous]

Please stop talking about abusive Asian parents. Not appropriate (to put it mildly).

[Anonymous]

I was a perfect teenager. Got great grades and played the piano for 4 hours a day. Won competitions. Never had a boyfriend. Got awards at school. Went to a great college. And I mostly performed for my controlling parents and behaved because they terrified me. They made it very clear that they would disown us and put us out on the street if we didn't meet their expectations. Never had a car, practically never drove anywhere. Worked in the family business. They used to threaten that they would give us to social services and we would become wards of the state if we didn't meet their expectations.

And here's the thing. I had zero coping skills as an adult. I kind of knew how to study but didn't know how to do anything else. Didn't have the social skills to date, had never gone out of town by myself, had to deal with something like a speeding ticket, an auto accident.

I got married really late mostly because I did my growing up in my twenties. Learned how to manage my money, make my own decisions. My mother picked out the clothes I took to college. I didn't even have a favorite color because they were so controlling!

I"m actually happy that my teens are getting into trouble! That they occasionally stay out too late, that we gave them cars and we don't track their phones though they have a curfew, that they have had messy dating relationships, occasionally get B's, etc.

I read somewhere that in the long run B students actually make more money than A students, mostly becuase the B students are more worldly and have better people skills. I feel like my kids are a lot more mature and savvy than I ever was. Treating your young adults like children doesn't actually help them in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Developmentally they are going through a stage of identity formation and beginning to assert their independence. They are starting to see their future adults selves, and starting to move away from being a child. They go through puberty and deal with major surges or hormones. They are exploring intimacy and romance and relationships for the first time. Their friendships and social dynamics become more complex and deal with deeper issues. They experience greater pressures and expectation and responsibility and they don't always yet have the skills to deal with that. They are in a state of idealism and they think they have things figured out. They are aware of impacts but not the full impact and still live in the present and are often impulsive. They start to experiment with things that are new and things that are risky and things that are adventurous. They experience big emotions, fluctuating emotions, and struggle to regulate how they feel. They are a series of contradictions and they assert themselves more.

Not all teens are the same. They all go through this major life transition from child to adult but they take very different roots to get there.

Parents aren't going through the same transition, they still just want to raise their kid to be an adult, but they get taken along for the ride. For some the ride is smoother than for others.

It seems teens either have a really rough go at the start (13-15) or they rebel more later on (16-18) and a few have it rough the whole way through and few sail through.

+1. I'm not even going to bother with the rabbit hole of much of this thread, but to OP, I just wanted to say this explains it perfectly.