Explain to me why it is so hard to raise teenagers?

[Anonymous]

I would say the attitude change is shocking. Where did my sweet child go?

[Anonymous]

Its not but most people want their teens 100% independent and don't realize they need you just as much or more at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

Teenagers do stupid things and parents are responsible for the damage they cause. Beating doesn't keep them from doing stupid things. I come from a country were beating was ok and I was a fairly well-behaved teenager. I still did stupid things, but there parents were not held responsible for things kids did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

Teenagers do stupid things and parents are responsible for the damage they cause. Beating doesn't keep them from doing stupid things. I come from a country were beating was ok and I was a fairly well-behaved teenager. I still did stupid things, but there parents were not held responsible for things kids did.

Oh my goodness, I mentioned discipline and the first thing you people thought of is beating??????? Whatever happened to verbal reprimands? Or shaming? That's what wrong with the current generation of kids- they are just impervious to anything because they know their parents worship them to their detriment. What I was also getting at is the culture of parenting. Where I'm from, children are expected to be respectful and to conduct themselves well. They know this and it's really a collectivist mindset. Unlike here where teenagers will do whatever they want like become teen parents or drug addicts.

[Anonymous]

My sweet companion turned into a young lady with ideas of her own. And when she stays out late I worry. She also accidentally totaled the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You no longer have control or any illusion of it.

which means you worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because around here they are all vaping and smoking pot and drinking. Eating pot gummy bears on their private school school buses on the way to school in the morning. And the girls are half naked when they go to dances. And the boys are all sharing the naked pics their "girlfriends" send them. They lie all the time. They don't work anymore over the summers - they are too busy racking up volunteer opps and playing sports for college scholarships they rarely actually end up getting.

It's a shitshow. I'm not even quite there yet, but I'm watching the private and parochial and public school kids of friends.

Five years ago, all these kids were sweet, polite, and adorable.

I am just bracing myself.

+1- You close to nailed it for my teens. This with the mood swings and my DD trying to determine if she's gay, straight or bi.... I feel like it's a moving train and there is nothing I can do to slow it down so it doesn't crash.

[Anonymous]

They change really quickly from children to adults (ok, sorta) and during this process, they can be quite volatile - and they push back hard against the constraints of childhood, even if appropriate.

I found the high school much less effective or responsive than I had the earlier schools, which made things much more complicated since my kid has a chronic issue that results in more absences than ideal.

They have the ability to get into all sorts of trouble that you really can't control like you could when younger.

Basically, the challenges with little ones are that it is physically grueling. The actual child isn't really all that complicated. With teens, there are fewer physical demands besides driving, but the person you are dealing with is extremely complicated.

People like my kid - he is a mensch, he is polite to everyone, inclusive and responsible. He can clean, and do laundry. He does his school work in college. He takes care of himself. Yes, I had good material, but he didn't get this way without a lot of parenting effort, a lot of which met with oposition at the time.

[Anonymous]

and they are oh so volatile....

but you can't be. you have to model better behavior than that even when you want to ring their necks.

and it is hard to even figure out how to respond sometimes, but you can't meet their hormonal volatility with anger. just isn't effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

I only have one teen., but he is a dream. Excellent student, hard working athlete, never in trouble, always asks how he can help around the house, gotten numerous awards from the school for character, and is still affectionate. He marches to his own drum and is pretty unwaivererd by peer pressure. He knows who he is and has confidence in that.

I realize be is unusual, but it truly has been a joy being his mom. His younger brother is much different and I suspect I will get hit hard by him.

[Anonymous]

I have two teens-- one very strong-willed and one very laid back.

The strong-willed teen can just be MEAN sometimes. She likes to have lots of time alone in her room. She thinks her grades, when/how she studies, her room, what/when she eats are solely her business. When she asks to do something with me, I am practically ecstatic. She is growing up and growing away from me-- all normal processes but she doesn't quite have "full adult" skills yet. BUT I am also very proud of the young lady she is becoming: she is a responsible driver, she does understand she needs to "help out" around the house, she is kind to company, she is a sought after babysitter, her grades are (usually) good, she has solid goals.....

My laid back daughter has developed the mouth that would make a sailor blush and is majorly addicted to SnapChat and whatever the latest school drama is. She also considers any kind of "curfew" to be a suggestion. BUT she is excellent about helping out around the house, likes doing stuff with me (still!) and only gives me the occasional teenage attitude.

The hard part for me has been making sure the communication lines stay open. Worrying sometimes about their decisions. And the ATTITUDE. While I fully accept that they need to test boundaries etc., I sometimes find myself wondering: do they need to test every boundary TODAY when XYZ is also going on....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

Teenagers do stupid things and parents are responsible for the damage they cause. Beating doesn't keep them from doing stupid things. I come from a country were beating was ok and I was a fairly well-behaved teenager. I still did stupid things, but there parents were not held responsible for things kids did.

Oh my goodness, I mentioned discipline and the first thing you people thought of is beating??????? Whatever happened to verbal reprimands? Or shaming? That's what wrong with the current generation of kids- they are just impervious to anything because they know their parents worship them to their detriment. What I was also getting at is the culture of parenting. Where I'm from, children are expected to be respectful and to conduct themselves well. They know this and it's really a collectivist mindset. Unlike here where teenagers will do whatever they want like become teen parents or drug addicts.

I've got two really good teenagers and I have never resorted to verbally berating them or shaming them. I swatted them on their diapered butt a time or two when they were toddlers and I needed to get their attention because they were trying to do something very dangerous (running towards the street, going for a hot pan on the stove) but beyond that I have never punished them physically.

Dh and I generally talk to them about choices and consequences. And we have done that since they were little. Kinder, gentler approaches can be very effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

In the process of identity formation, they often use you as a model, which leads them to make statements basically condemning you, your values and your life choices as they try to figure out who they are in opposition to you. This comes out in really snarky, surly ways. As in "I'm never going to have some boring dead end office job like you do. I'm going to . ... whatever." "I'm never going to marry some kind of patriarchal guy like dad who basically just bosses you around. I'm going to . . .. whatever." "I'm never going to hoard all my money and buy meaningless things like fancy cars like you guys do. I'm going to . .. ."

Most of the time it just sounds like they think you're a dork and/or they hate you. It can be hard to take when it happens several times each day or if you have multiple teens in your home -- because then they can also gang up on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

[Anonymous]

Because they know to go for the jugular when arguing or talking back. It can really wear down your fortitude and self-esteem coming from the humans you love most in the world. And sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere.