Explain to me why it is so hard to raise teenagers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

Teenagers do stupid things and parents are responsible for the damage they cause. Beating doesn't keep them from doing stupid things. I come from a country were beating was ok and I was a fairly well-behaved teenager. I still did stupid things, but there parents were not held responsible for things kids did.

Oh my goodness, I mentioned discipline and the first thing you people thought of is beating??????? Whatever happened to verbal reprimands? Or shaming? That's what wrong with the current generation of kids- they are just impervious to anything because they know their parents worship them to their detriment. What I was also getting at is the culture of parenting. Where I'm from, children are expected to be respectful and to conduct themselves well. They know this and it's really a collectivist mindset. Unlike here where teenagers will do whatever they want like become teen parents or drug addicts.

I've got two really good teenagers and I have never resorted to verbally berating them or shaming them. I swatted them on their diapered butt a time or two when they were toddlers and I needed to get their attention because they were trying to do something very dangerous (running towards the street, going for a hot pan on the stove) but beyond that I have never punished them physically.

Dh and I generally talk to them about choices and consequences. And we have done that since they were little. Kinder, gentler approaches can be very effective.

Well your kids haven't grown into adulthood but I can tell you how clever teens can be at pulling the wool over their parents' eyes. You sound like the coddling "Not my child!" white UMC parent type.

One of my kids is in college actually. I have literally had other adults stop me to tell me what great kids I have. They really are good kids and not at an Eddie Haskel bone in their bodies. That isn't to say that they never make mistakes or get teenagery because they do. They're good kids not saints .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because around here they are all vaping and smoking pot and drinking. Eating pot gummy bears on their private school school buses on the way to school in the morning. And the girls are half naked when they go to dances. And the boys are all sharing the naked pics their "girlfriends" send them. They lie all the time. They don't work anymore over the summers - they are too busy racking up volunteer opps and playing sports for college scholarships they rarely actually end up getting.

It's a shitshow. I'm not even quite there yet, but I'm watching the private and parochial and public school kids of friends.

Five years ago, all these kids were sweet, polite, and adorable.

I am just bracing myself.

You should move! I moved from a metro area to a small town with a large university. This stuff isn't going on here. My kid was SHOCKED at how nice the kids are at school. You don't have to stay there! There are places where kids are still nice and aren't doing all this stuff.

they are doing that stuff there, too (plus oxi). your kid probably found better-quality friends.

My ds was talking about what was happening in classes wrt bullying. The kids are nicer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

You mean you want to smack your kid around?

NOT PP, but I know a woman who is a teacher in this country and also taught in her home country in Ertria. She told me that in Ertria, teaching is "not hard" because the kids are much better behaved due to teachers being allowed to use corporal punishment. Now, I am in NO WAY advocating a return to corporal punishment in US schools, but I do feel like there is some food for thought there.

Teaching is "not hard" because the kids don't learn anything. Look up the literacy rate. The country is a disaster. Anyone who can spit out a sentence can be a teacher in Eritrea

re you really glamorizing the education system in eritrea? Have you been to that part of East Africa? Let me guess, no, because it is dangerous and backwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

You mean you want to smack your kid around?

NOT PP, but I know a woman who is a teacher in this country and also taught in her home country in Ertria. She told me that in Ertria, teaching is "not hard" because the kids are much better behaved due to teachers being allowed to use corporal punishment. Now, I am in NO WAY advocating a return to corporal punishment in US schools, but I do feel like there is some food for thought there.

Teaching is "not hard" because the kids don't learn anything. Look up the literacy rate. The country is a disaster. Anyone who can spit out a sentence can be a teacher in Eritrea

re you really glamorizing the education system in eritrea? Have you been to that part of East Africa? Let me guess, no, because it is dangerous and backwards.

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

[Anonymous]

*hardworking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

[Anonymous]

Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

really? you need to relax and be less literal (not the poster of the comment).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

My brother was like your third child. Suave was the word I used too. My poor mother pulled out her hair over him. He was the reason I got dragged into family therapy. I talked to the therapist once by myself after a few sessions and he said I no longer had to come to family therapy. The problem was 100% my brother. He took years off my mom's life (and she was a single mother too) but somewhere around age 23 or 24, his brain matured and he actually apologized to my mom. I was an easy kid partly because I felt sorry for my mom having to deal with my older brother. My son is a lot like my older brother. In fact, my mom will call my son by my brother's name when he annoys her. God must have a sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

really? you need to relax and be less literal (not the poster of the comment).

Which part of "knock the younger ones lights out" are you not understanding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

You can't deny that these countries have much lower violent crime rates than the US. Nor the drug use rates either. Parents there do a better job monitoring and parenting their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

really? you need to relax and be less literal (not the poster of the comment).

Which part of "knock the younger ones lights out" are you not understanding?

the literal part.