Explain to me why it is so hard to raise teenagers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

I was considered a 'good' kid in high school and I still snuck off to Ocean City, NYC, all kinds of places my parents had no idea about. We would go during school, during the weekends when they thought we were doing something else, it was easy. Even the academic, good student crowd experimented with smoking, drinking, sex. I dread the teenage years because I know exactly how much I got away with.

If you did all that you didn't have very involved parents or you are not involved parents. You weren't a good kid if you were sneaking off to NYC and Ocean City and doing all kids of things that your parents basically ignored. You'd have to know as whose paying for all that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

I have a lot of experience which is why I trust and verify. Ocean City is not exactly like going to the mall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They cross over a threshold where they are more aware. They actually know you and if your personality is controlling, rude, you drink too much, you are lazy, over eat, etc... they will call you out the moment you ask them why they have a B.

If you come back with I pay the bills how dare you the war is on.

A B??? The horror !!!

With ridiculous standards like that, no wonder you have problems!

[Anonymous]

I heard the best way to describe a teens brain “all gas, no brakes”

The other reason it hard is that your role is changing. You aren’t the boss or commander in chief. You are a Manager. You guide, you advise, you stand in the wings to clean up when they fall apart. So you are having to let go and change roles right at the time that the stakes are higher, the consequences longer lasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

I have a lot of experience which is why I trust and verify. Ocean City is not exactly like going to the mall.

If your kids say they’re hanging out all day with other friends, how do you verify that they didn’t go to the beach? It’s less than three hours away, and they could totally make a day trip out of it. Other than requiring them to see you face to face every 2 hours, how do you know they’re not sneaking off on day trips once in a while?

Besides, I thought almost everyone did that at some point as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

I have a lot of experience which is why I trust and verify. Ocean City is not exactly like going to the mall.

If your kids say they’re hanging out all day with other friends, how do you verify that they didn’t go to the beach? It’s less than three hours away, and they could totally make a day trip out of it. Other than requiring them to see you face to face every 2 hours, how do you know they’re not sneaking off on day trips once in a while?

Besides, I thought almost everyone did that at some point as a kid.

During the school day you can go online and check attendance. I expect mine to work, sports or do something during the summer and yes, you check and make sure they are there at times. You use a tracker on the phone and pay attention to money/your car (tracker on car), etc. Yes, you check on your kid every few hours.

We didn't do any of that as teens. My parents would have killed us and we had to check in. If we wanted to do something, depending on what it was, it wasn't an issue but they had to know where we were, when we'd be home and call if we were late.

If you don't know, you are a pretty checked out parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever watched the Sopranos? Here's a scene that is forever burned in my memory...Tony's final line pretty much says it all. It's not just the disagreements with your teens but with your spouse too...we have teenagers and have had way too many conversations like this one:

Meadow, 16, throws a party while her parents are out and gets caught.

Later in bed, her parents are disagreeing on what to do.

Carmela: There has to be consequences! Plenty of parents still crack the whip!
Tony: Yeah, that's what they tell ya
Carmela: I cannot wait until she goes off to college
Tony: Oh so you can be F'd up with the empty nest syndrome and go on Wellbutrin like your sister
Carmela: As a parent today, you are over a barrel no matter what you do. If you take away their car, you become their chauffeur. If you ground her, you gotta stay home and be prison guard.
Tony: If you throw her out, Social Services would bring her back and we'd be the ones in front of a judge. She's not even 18 yet.
Carmela: That's your solution, throw your daughter out??
Tony: All i'm sayin', with the laws today, you can't even restrain your kid physically, 'cause she could sue you for child abuse
Carmela: There.has.to.be.consequences.
Tony: And there will be. I hear ya, ok? Let's just not overplay our hand, because if she finds out we're powerless, we're f**ked."

In the end, Meadow suggests they take away her Discover Card and they take her up on it. Consequences!

No sane child will report their own parents for child abuse because who wants to go and live in a foster home?

You do know the Sopranos aren’t actually real?

And the punchline is “when she finds out we’re powerless...”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

oh yes. The one who expresses concern about a kid is the one who needs to unclench. Physical abuse is so witty these days! Are you the pp who wants one kid to knock the other one out? Aren't we supposed to take people at their word? After all, that poster hasn't come back and said "just joking!"

You are the one who needs serious help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard the best way to describe a teens brain “all gas, no brakes”

The other reason it hard is that your role is changing. You aren’t the boss or commander in chief. You are a Manager. You guide, you advise, you stand in the wings to clean up when they fall apart. So you are having to let go and change roles right at the time that the stakes are higher, the consequences longer lasting.

Welll said.

And the best strategy changes regularly as the kids mature. I found it hard to keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

Most of them have terrible attitudes. They are defiant, argumentative, don't listen to you, and for the most parent don't really want to hang around you anymore.

People have been saying this about teens since people started writing. Every culture complains about their teens.

Teens are difficult because those are the years where you and they completely rework your relationship from a parent child relationship to a parent adult relation. Any change that dramatic is going to be painful. It just is. Your teens think you are just as difficult as you feel they are.

Nature (and God) made your kids to separate from you during their teen years. They are doing what they are supposed to do, and that tearing apart is HARD for all involved. Hormones make it worse (their teen hormones and your perimenopause hormones).

But that is normal and natural.

If they remained their wonderful elementary school or preschool selves, you would never let them leave your house.

They turn into teens so that when the time comes for them to fly, you are ready to kick them out of the nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

Most of them have terrible attitudes. They are defiant, argumentative, don't listen to you, and for the most parent don't really want to hang around you anymore.

People have been saying this about teens since people started writing. Every culture complains about their teens.

Teens are difficult because those are the years where you and they completely rework your relationship from a parent child relationship to a parent adult relation. Any change that dramatic is going to be painful. It just is. Your teens think you are just as difficult as you feel they are.

Nature (and God) made your kids to separate from you during their teen years. They are doing what they are supposed to do, and that tearing apart is HARD for all involved. Hormones make it worse (their teen hormones and your perimenopause hormones).

But that is normal and natural.

If they remained their wonderful elementary school or preschool selves, you would never let them leave your house.

They turn into teens so that when the time comes for them to fly, you are ready to kick them out of the nest.

THIS! Also them being so irritated WITH their parents and separating from their parents helps them let go of the familiarity and safety of home so that they can fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

I only have one teen., but he is a dream. Excellent student, hard working athlete, never in trouble, always asks how he can help around the house, gotten numerous awards from the school for character, and is still affectionate. He marches to his own drum and is pretty unwaivererd by peer pressure. He knows who he is and has confidence in that.

I realize be is unusual, but it truly has been a joy being his mom. His younger brother is much different and I suspect I will get hit hard by him.

I had a stepson like this posters son. He’s 21. He’s taking a semester off to find himself. He’s more work then any of the others.

[Anonymous]

Something I haven’t seen mentioned yet is this. Teen years are when mental health issues start to surface. Add that to the hormones and changing relationships and, well, scary doesn’t even come close to describing your ride through those years.

I have a large age gap between my kids so I’m not far enough from the sleepless nights and toddler years to have forgotten them. I would never say to a mom of toddlers that they have a walk in the park compared to what might be in their future. But seriously, nothing prepares you for parenting a teen with mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

You mean you want to smack your kid around?

NOT PP, but I know a woman who is a teacher in this country and also taught in her home country in Ertria. She told me that in Ertria, teaching is "not hard" because the kids are much better behaved due to teachers being allowed to use corporal punishment. Now, I am in NO WAY advocating a return to corporal punishment in US schools, but I do feel like there is some food for thought there.

Yeah and that's why the economy in Eritrea is so awesome. Entrepreneurs and artists galore.