Explain to me why it is so hard to raise teenagers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

oh yes. The one who expresses concern about a kid is the one who needs to unclench. Physical abuse is so witty these days! Are you the pp who wants one kid to knock the other one out? Aren't we supposed to take people at their word? After all, that poster hasn't come back and said "just joking!"

You are the one who needs serious help.

I dont need to say just joking. I don't expect grown ass adults to be so dense.

Are you new to the English language or did you just skip class when they taught what a figure of speech was?

Dear lord, I cant believe an adult needs this spelled out. Unclench. Seriously.

Go jump in a lake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

You mean you want to smack your kid around?

Not the PP, but it is more accepted to have some type of physical punishment. My mom is Italian (as in she came to the US as an adult, 4 years after she married my dad). I’m an only child. My parents never spanked me, I was a good kid thought. I was very outspoken and disagreed with my parents openly about certain things and they respected me and enjoyed debating with me. But I’ll never forget when I was 14 I wanted to go to a sleepover. My parents didn’t allow those. I got so mad I yelled at my mom and told her she was an evil bit$&. My mom slapped me so hard that my head went all the way to one side. I had her handprint on my cheek and a bruise. Then she calmly said that if I ever spoke like that to my father or to her again that I would deeply regret it. My sweet, soft spoken mom terrified me that day. I never spoke her that way again though. I have grown kids of my own now and we have laughed about that day in retrospect. She told me that she thought hitting a child was counterproductive, but there were exceptions to every rule. That was the one and only time my mom hit me and it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only hard in this country where parents coddle their kids and any form of discipline becomes liable in the eyes of CPS. It's one of the reasons why DH and I are moving back to my home country where people don't have these hang-ups.

You mean you want to smack your kid around?

Not the PP, but it is more accepted to have some type of physical punishment. My mom is Italian (as in she came to the US as an adult, 4 years after she married my dad). I’m an only child. My parents never spanked me, I was a good kid thought. I was very outspoken and disagreed with my parents openly about certain things and they respected me and enjoyed debating with me. But I’ll never forget when I was 14 I wanted to go to a sleepover. My parents didn’t allow those. I got so mad I yelled at my mom and told her she was an evil bit$&. My mom slapped me so hard that my head went all the way to one side. I had her handprint on my cheek and a bruise. Then she calmly said that if I ever spoke like that to my father or to her again that I would deeply regret it. My sweet, soft spoken mom terrified me that day. I never spoke her that way again though. I have grown kids of my own now and we have laughed about that day in retrospect. She told me that she thought hitting a child was counterproductive, but there were exceptions to every rule. That was the one and only time my mom hit me and it worked.

I have just about the same story, except my language was worse and my mom is from Brooklyn. First and only slap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is constantly making comments to me like "Just wait til your kid is a teenager... omg it is tough!" or "I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent until my kids were teenagers." or "Once your kids are teenagers, you will get zero sleep."

What exactly is so hard about having a teenager? Is it that they are driving and going to parties? Is it that they care less about grades?

When they are little the hard work is mostly physical - getting up at night, changing diapers, constantly being vigilant for safety issues, etc. When they become teenagers, the hard work for parents is mental/emotional. And every decision they make (yes, as teenagers most of the relevant decisions are in THEIR hands) can have life-changing consequences. I have a lovely freshman in HS, almost no drama around social stuff. But it's a whole different ball game to parent well when the kid is in the driver's seat on everything that matters to his or her future.

As a mom to 2 boys the hardest part for me has been the fighting. Constantly. It is mind numbing and worse than having an infant. I just wish the older one would knock the younger ones lights out and we'd have a working pecking order.

This is disturbing in so many ways. What if your older son seriously injured your younger son?

oh yes. The one who expresses concern about a kid is the one who needs to unclench. Physical abuse is so witty these days! Are you the pp who wants one kid to knock the other one out? Aren't we supposed to take people at their word? After all, that poster hasn't come back and said "just joking!"

You are the one who needs serious help.

I dont need to say just joking. I don't expect grown ass adults to be so dense.

Are you new to the English language or did you just skip class when they taught what a figure of speech was?

Dear lord, I cant believe an adult needs this spelled out. Unclench. Seriously.

Go jump in a lake

Awe, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Hopefully you can do some work in your coloring books tonight to help you relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

Apparently not in Manila. I've never been so unsafe in my life. J suppose not enough spanking goes on there. Same with Bangkok. Needs more spanks.

You're talking about the lower-level Asian countries where poverty is more rampant and of course, you're going to face issues with crime. But have you visited China, Singapore, HK or Japan? Very very safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop talking about abusive Asian parents. Not appropriate (to put it mildly).

Asian does not equal abusive. You're the one who thinks discipline equates to abuse. The true abusive parents are the ones who have to have their kids taken by CPS because they're all beaten up or with fractured bones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

Apparently not in Manila. I've never been so unsafe in my life. J suppose not enough spanking goes on there. Same with Bangkok. Needs more spanks.

You're talking about the lower-level Asian countries where poverty is more rampant and of course, you're going to face issues with crime. But have you visited China, Singapore, HK or Japan? Very very safe.

"the lower-level Asian countries"?!

If I use that in a sentence on DCUM, does it come out something like, "Maybe you're satisfied with your child speaking the language of a lower-level Asian country, but I have high expectations, so I'm insisting on a top Asian language for my children."?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The places with good effective parenting are in East Asia, and that is why Anglo America is going to be taken over by their offspring. No Asian kid I know has had to seek accomodations for whatever BS condition, which is what so many American teens end up doing. I'm a college professor and I observe these differences. There are some real harworking American kids with a good work ethic but the majority don't respect authority and think they all deserve As for showing up.

People in China, Korea, Japan, etc., are just better parents? Really?

Apparently not in Manila. I've never been so unsafe in my life. J suppose not enough spanking goes on there. Same with Bangkok. Needs more spanks.

You're talking about the lower-level Asian countries where poverty is more rampant and of course, you're going to face issues with crime. But have you visited China, Singapore, HK or Japan? Very very safe.

Yes, I used to head up pac rim for my company. Felt the same way about China as well. Are you saying we need less poverty to control behavior or more spanks? I'm confused now. You are confusing me.

Also what are lower level Asian countries? Define the levels. All the time I spent in East Asia, this is new terminology for me. Do you have a chart of levels as it corresponds to corporal punishment?

[Anonymous]

You just can’t adequately prepare for it. You know it’s coming. You remember (vaguely) what you were like and how you felt about your own parents during those years, but you just can’t imagine your own kids really feeling THAT negatively about you because, well...you’re cooler/more laid back/not plagued by the flaws your own parents had.

We’re actually only in the early stages of teendom and, by all accounts, DS isn’t that bad. But he’s sarcastic and when he doesn’t get his way, he lashes out in a condemning way. And while I know it’s natural, I just will not suffer being talked to that way. So far, I disengage with him when he becomes rude. But it’s hard. Sometimes the temptation to give it right back is really great, and it’s hard to emotionally distance yourself enough to remember that this is a phase, not who he really is or will be.

I constantly wonder whether I’m striking the right balance between supervision and letting him make decisions and mistakes and experience the consequences.

But mostly, it’s the other teens who are killing me. They’re mean to each other. Everything every kid does is gay or stupid or babyish. Every shirt is terrible. Every haircut is subject to ridicule. And DS is an attractive kid! But he doesn’t think so anymore. Other young teens are so awful that it affects his self-confidence. We talk a lot about not putting any stock in the opinions of people who never say anything nice, but it’s easier said than done. So beneath all the attitude is real hurt that he goes through every day, and it’s hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some are more difficult than others.

Our first, who is in her first year of college, knew the rules and respected them. We had zero push-back from her. If we said be home by 1 AM, she was always home by then and never pushed to be out later or did the endless loop of "why? why? why?"

Our second, who is almost 17, is still a good kid and respects the rules, but is now more apt to pushing them. Our rule is that he can Uber, but he has to contact one of us to order the Uber so we can have the driver's info. and see the route. He was grounded last week because we found out that he bought an Uber giftcard that he was using. "I don't understand why I'm being punished for being a responsible adult who used his own money to buy something!"

Our third, who is almost 16, could sell a lifetime supply of condoms to a nun. He's suave, he's a talker and a charmer, and he uses all of those traits to trick you if you're not paying attention and listening for subtext. Example, he signed into an old iPod touch and left it with a friend so that when he was tracked via Find my iPhone, it showed him there and not in DC. He would have gotten away with it if his friend hadn't tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He's the first kid we've had to specify, "you cannot leave the state" when giving him permission to go hang out with friends. Not once but twice the past summer either his mother or I texted to see if he was eating dinner at home that night only to discover he was in a completely different state (once they drove to Ocean City, MD for the day because they wanted to go to the beach and the other time they drove to Philly to satisfy a cheese steak craving).

I agree with the second kid. You sound very controlling! Why do you need to know the route?

Our fourth is just entering the tween years and has so far been pleasant. Much like the first in terms of attitude toward the rules, but only time will tell.

How does a kid get all the way to Ocean City without you knowing. Maybe you should spend a bit more time focusing on your kids instead of relaxed parenting. If you kids are doing this much behind your back, then you need to pay more attention. Kids shouldn't be taking Uber. You drive them or they get their license.

Clearly you d9nt have experience with that many teenagers.

I have a lot of experience which is why I trust and verify. Ocean City is not exactly like going to the mall.

If your kids say they’re hanging out all day with other friends, how do you verify that they didn’t go to the beach? It’s less than three hours away, and they could totally make a day trip out of it. Other than requiring them to see you face to face every 2 hours, how do you know they’re not sneaking off on day trips once in a while?

Besides, I thought almost everyone did that at some point as a kid.

During the school day you can go online and check attendance. I expect mine to work, sports or do something during the summer and yes, you check and make sure they are there at times. You use a tracker on the phone and pay attention to money/your car (tracker on car), etc. Yes, you check on your kid every few hours.

We didn't do any of that as teens. My parents would have killed us and we had to check in. If we wanted to do something, depending on what it was, it wasn't an issue but they had to know where we were, when we'd be home and call if we were late.

If you don't know, you are a pretty checked out parent.

My parents were as ignorant and judgemental as you and had no idea how many times I was out of state.