Issue with blended family

[Anonymous]

OP, even if you spend 50% of your time focused on your marriage, your husband will eventually cheat on you. Mark my words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your expectations are unreasonable and you're pushing too hard. A year is not much time. It takes five years to blend a family. And it may never really blend. They don't have to like or care about you and your children just because you've married their father. They might never, ever want to have a truly blended family, and trying to force them will backfire.

Tweens are not going to be interested in preschool-level activities. It sounds like you're expecting them to miss out on things that they actually enjoy, for the sake of watching your 4 year olds do something. Why? In an intact family with five children, divide by age would be the norm.

Also, it's normal for 12 year olds to be disrespectful! It's part of adolescence. You don't have to tolerate it, but you do need to have age-appropriate expectations. It's not necessarily because of his ex. And also, second wife, it's very very rare that the woman your DH CHOSE to marry suddenly went bonkers and all problems are her fault. There might be a lot you don't know.

Remember that the adults have CHOSEN to put these children through a lot of turmoil. You chose them and they didn't choose you.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.

The only reason there are events to dispute is that YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT. All she has to tell people is that you chose to cheat. It really makes no difference what else happened. She might be the worst wife ever, yet still YOU made the CHOICE to have an affair. And that will have consequences for your social relationships. You need to have realistic expectations. Not everyone is going to "let go" the instant you think they should. What she is saying is probably just the truth as she sees it. You just don't like to face it.

I think it's nice that she's maintaining a relationship with the grandparents of her children.

... and it’s quite telling that they’re happy to maintain a relationship with her even outside the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.

Ok. My second and last post, though if you have read 6 pages of responses essentially saying the same thing, and still don’t get it, this one won’t change your mind. So here is my last futile attempt.

Your neighbors don’t care about whatever you think she may have told them. They just don’t. Your 4 year old twins are too young for play dates and sleepovers and even your 7 year old is on the youngish side for sleepovers. So in your mind, the neighbors are having all these wonderful sleepovers for 4-5 year olds and not inviting your kids because of what your husband’s ex-wife said about you a year ago? It doesn’t occur to you that may be your kids are too young or any other reason? Or on top of the fact that your kids have lived there less than a year and 50% of the time, you want to send them off on a sleepover? Did you invite neighbor kids for play dates or sleepovers? Are the older kids being invited, while your younger kids are not? Or are no kids invited at all?

Also, why does it bother you so much what your ex-friend does with her time? She is free to socialize with your husbands family with or without kids. What is your issue with that? Or who she saw or didn’t see? The woman who welcomed you in her home, with your kids. You mentioned that you had play dates between your kids and hers, but given there is a 3 year difference between your oldest and her youngest, I doubt these were true play dates, but more like grown up get togethers and your older played with her kids. May be in your mind these were play dates, but as a mom of two kids who play with younger kid of freiemds, these are by no means play dates for the older kids. I would also be very bitter if a woman who I have welcomed and hosted in my home together with her kid, slept with my husband and ended up living in the same house she used to visit as a guest. You sure must understand why she is upset and bitter, no?

Stop being so egocentric. Not everything revolves around you. Not every decision your step kids, their mother, your in laws, or your neighbors do is about you. Try to step for a minute in others’ shoes and understand their perspective and show empathy and kindness.

She wants sleepovers and drop off parties so its less time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.

Ok. My second and last post, though if you have read 6 pages of responses essentially saying the same thing, and still don’t get it, this one won’t change your mind. So here is my last futile attempt.

Your neighbors don’t care about whatever you think she may have told them. They just don’t. Your 4 year old twins are too young for play dates and sleepovers and even your 7 year old is on the youngish side for sleepovers. So in your mind, the neighbors are having all these wonderful sleepovers for 4-5 year olds and not inviting your kids because of what your husband’s ex-wife said about you a year ago? It doesn’t occur to you that may be your kids are too young or any other reason? Or on top of the fact that your kids have lived there less than a year and 50% of the time, you want to send them off on a sleepover? Did you invite neighbor kids for play dates or sleepovers? Are the older kids being invited, while your younger kids are not? Or are no kids invited at all?

Also, why does it bother you so much what your ex-friend does with her time? She is free to socialize with your husbands family with or without kids. What is your issue with that? Or who she saw or didn’t see? The woman who welcomed you in her home, with your kids. You mentioned that you had play dates between your kids and hers, but given there is a 3 year difference between your oldest and her youngest, I doubt these were true play dates, but more like grown up get togethers and your older played with her kids. May be in your mind these were play dates, but as a mom of two kids who play with younger kid of freiemds, these are by no means play dates for the older kids. I would also be very bitter if a woman who I have welcomed and hosted in my home together with her kid, slept with my husband and ended up living in the same house she used to visit as a guest. You sure must understand why she is upset and bitter, no?

Stop being so egocentric. Not everything revolves around you. Not every decision your step kids, their mother, your in laws, or your neighbors do is about you. Try to step for a minute in others’ shoes and understand their perspective and show empathy and kindness.

She wants sleepovers and drop off parties so its less time with the kids.

This! You're getting only half time with your children, and you want to share it with two more children and sometimes friends? Come on. How are they getting enough attention to help them cope with everything you've put them through?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, even if you spend 50% of your time focused on your marriage, your husband will eventually cheat on you. Mark my words.

Exactly. Plus this guy didn't have half the stress with his ex that he's having now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a stepmother and a biological mother. There is a spread of love 15 years between all six kids. DH and I made SURE when we blended our families that the kids got alone time with their biological parents.

We insisted on family dinner on Sunday nights (still do) and never put it on the older kids to take care of the younger kids, unless we paid them as babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Why did you not go for more balance? One 24 hour stretch a week where you and husband have alone time (which is more than many couples get.) Then have times where all the kids overlapped, and times where they didn't .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you not go for more balance? One 24 hour stretch a week where you and husband have alone time (which is more than many couples get.) Then have times where all the kids overlapped, and times where they didn't .

Seriously. It's crazy to swing so wildly from 5 to zero kids. How do you ever develop a steady routine? And how do the children get enough one-on-one time? Sounds like they don't.

[Anonymous]

This has got to be a troll BUT it's pretty clear since OP got her husband through an affair she has to have this bullish*t custody schedule simply and only because it allows her to "focus on her marriage" with him, i.e. not give him any opportunity to cheat on her, which she is secretly afraid he will do, which he probably will, because life with 5 unhappy kids and a wife who just doesn't get it and prevents him from being a dad isn't going to work out.

The ex wife is doing her thing and what's best for her kids. They'd old enough to know you're selfish and awful even if they don't know details. Your kids will know one day too. You are NOT blended and never will be. This thing is done in under five years when the false notion that you are tRuE sOuL mates who are persecuted by the jealous haters wears off and you're just stuck living in in this mess you created.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You sound like a selfish, terrible person. You destroyed two families with your cheating, and now you just want to call all the shots. Your children will resent you, your new husband will probably resent you for all the stress that’s now in his life (his own fault too), and your marriage will break up, probably when he cheats on you. You should never have had kids.

[Anonymous]

If you’re living in the house your DH used to share with his ex wife you guys need to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.

You're second marriage is not going to last. May as while get out before you do any more damage to the kids.

This is true, you beat me to it

[Anonymous]

Can someone give me the Cliff notes version? Was OP an AP or what

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, you and your husband have decided to "prioritize your marriage" over your kids, and you have five kids between you, all of whom have recently watched their parents divorce?

Holy crap.

I realize this sounds unusual, but both of us u deratamd that one of the reasons our previous marriages failed is that we grew apart from our spouses because of all the time and energy focused on the kids and not invested in the relationship. We aren't ignoring the kids. When the kids are here, we are all in focusing on them and on being a family.

Maybe your marriages fell apart because you were focusing on each other? You are both so focused on your fun time you are losing focus if your kids’ emotional ability to handle all this New!