Issue with blended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Ignore the nasties on here. They think that because your relationship began under less-than-ideal circumstances, you should do penance and be miserable for the rest of your life. Ignore them. You're entitled to happiness and love...and that means you shouldn't have to be terrorized by your husband's son in your own home.

This is a disciplinary issue. Your husband needs to make clear that that type of language absolutely will not be tolerated in your home. Eventually your kids will find out about the affair; you can't shield them from that. But you absolutely can demand that DH's child not use profane and disrespectful language about you in your home.

No, we think the OP is pathetic for taking forever to admit it was an affair, and for her clueless and selfish behavior afterwards. She is reaping the disrespect and lack of consideration that she sowed.

OP doesn’t owe anyone on here an explanation of the circumstances of her current relationship.

You’re just angry that she isn’t sufficiently ashamed.

She is treating the children badly and then complaining that they are unhappy about it.

Sounds like your step-son doesn't really care about your feelings, OP. Kind of like how little you cared about his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.

You are proud as you choose to have a relationship with a married man, divorce your husband and marry him. What did you expect? It doesn't matter that the ex had depression and they didn't have sex. They, like you took marriage vows. A good husband would stick with her though the depression. Not abandon her. If your marriage was dead, you divorce, not cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Ignore the nasties on here. They think that because your relationship began under less-than-ideal circumstances, you should do penance and be miserable for the rest of your life. Ignore them. You're entitled to happiness and love...and that means you shouldn't have to be terrorized by your husband's son in your own home.

This is a disciplinary issue. Your husband needs to make clear that that type of language absolutely will not be tolerated in your home. Eventually your kids will find out about the affair; you can't shield them from that. But you absolutely can demand that DH's child not use profane and disrespectful language about you in your home.

No, we think the OP is pathetic for taking forever to admit it was an affair, and for her clueless and selfish behavior afterwards. She is reaping the disrespect and lack of consideration that she sowed.

OP doesn’t owe anyone on here an explanation of the circumstances of her current relationship.

You’re just angry that she isn’t sufficiently ashamed.

She is treating the children badly and then complaining that they are unhappy about it.

Sounds like your step-son doesn't really care about your feelings, OP. Kind of like how little you cared about his.

Are you seriously suggesting OP shouldn’t marry the man she loves because he has a child who doesn’t like it???

[Anonymous]

I think you have to get in the head of the 12 year old. He loves his mom. Regardless of what anyone else thinks of her, he loves her fiercely. With or without any info on an affair, he sees that you have replaced her in his dad’s world. Worse yet, he knows his dad knew you when they were married and then poof - now you are in the marriage. Dad basically brought home a replacement - and bigger still, a replacement with little kids. And you want to all hang out so he can watch his dad having fun with these new replacement kids. That’s heavy for a near-teenager!

[Anonymous]

OP - Glad you finally came around to the idea of adjusting your custody schedule. That's the way to go here.

Regarding the stepson, he is going to perceive any attempt to crack down on his "language" as an effort to deny him the right to his feelings of anger over the affair. You can take the power of the threat away by telling your kids now, on your own terms and in your own words, about the affair. If they don't hear it from their stepbrother, they will hear it from someone else eventually. Better that they hear it from you first.

Good luck. You're in a right mess, mostly of your own making, but you can make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Ignore the nasties on here. They think that because your relationship began under less-than-ideal circumstances, you should do penance and be miserable for the rest of your life. Ignore them. You're entitled to happiness and love...and that means you shouldn't have to be terrorized by your husband's son in your own home.

This is a disciplinary issue. Your husband needs to make clear that that type of language absolutely will not be tolerated in your home. Eventually your kids will find out about the affair; you can't shield them from that. But you absolutely can demand that DH's child not use profane and disrespectful language about you in your home.

No, we think the OP is pathetic for taking forever to admit it was an affair, and for her clueless and selfish behavior afterwards. She is reaping the disrespect and lack of consideration that she sowed.

OP doesn’t owe anyone on here an explanation of the circumstances of her current relationship.

You’re just angry that she isn’t sufficiently ashamed.

She is treating the children badly and then complaining that they are unhappy about it.

Sounds like your step-son doesn't really care about your feelings, OP. Kind of like how little you cared about his.

Are you seriously suggesting OP shouldn’t marry the man she loves because he has a child who doesn’t like it???

It's not because the child doesn't like it. It's because she moved much faster than is recommended even for non-cheaters, and isn't parenting appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Glad you finally came around to the idea of adjusting your custody schedule. That's the way to go here.

Regarding the stepson, he is going to perceive any attempt to crack down on his "language" as an effort to deny him the right to his feelings of anger over the affair. You can take the power of the threat away by telling your kids now, on your own terms and in your own words, about the affair. If they don't hear it from their stepbrother, they will hear it from someone else eventually. Better that they hear it from you first.

Good luck. You're in a right mess, mostly of your own making, but you can make the best of it.

This. OP, you have the right to divorce and remarry and make the children shuffle back and forth and get waaaay less time with their father. He has no say over any of that. You forced it all on him. What does he have the right to? His own opinion and that's about it. Would you really feel better if he told your children in plain language that their mother had sex with a man while he was married? Because that's what it is. And it's a bit rich of you to ask a child to keep your secrets for you, and to complain about language and rudeness when your own behavior is far more objectionable.

[Anonymous]

NP. I just read the whole thread. I don't feel bad for you, OP, even after reading your most recent explanation of how awful your prior spouses were (lol).

You are a pig, and you are harming children out of pure selfishness and insensitivity. If there is a god you are going straight to hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I just read the whole thread. I don't feel bad for you, OP, even after reading your most recent explanation of how awful your prior spouses were (lol).

You are a pig, and you are harming children out of pure selfishness and insensitivity. If there is a god you are going straight to hell.

God doesn’t work this way. Faith and forgiveness don’t work this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I just read the whole thread. I don't feel bad for you, OP, even after reading your most recent explanation of how awful your prior spouses were (lol).

You are a pig, and you are harming children out of pure selfishness and insensitivity. If there is a god you are going straight to hell.

God doesn’t work this way. Faith and forgiveness don’t work this way.

Actually, this is exactly how god works.

[Anonymous]

The fact that your DH’s ex has depression makes this a million times worse. Worse for the children. So, they spend one week with their mom who is sick, devastated, and justifiably angry. (Fierce props to her for holding her boundaries and not allowing your DH one inch to further disrupt the lives of her children.) She sounds like a good mom in many ways, but it can’t be easy living in that house of sadness, abandonment, and grief.

So then the childrenget to switch to your house, where they share their time with their dad with YOU and your three kids. It’s insane.

Why did you get married so quickly? What was the rush?!?!? Please don’t be pregnant.

For the record, I started dating my DH when his DD was 14 and her parents had been split for 3 years. It still made her life much worse that I was in the picture. She got less of her dad than she deserved. We deliberately waited until
She graduated HS to get married, and it was STILL really really hard for her to then have us buy a house together and be a family without her when she went away to college. She didn’t ask for any of that. But my God, at least we have her sometime to grow up a little, and at least she has many years with her dad before I was with him manynof his weekends with her.

The more I think about it, the more it seems like marrying so quickly and trying to “blend” so quickly is even worse than the infidelity.

Glad you are thinking of changing the custody schedule at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your DH’s ex has depression makes this a million times worse. Worse for the children. So, they spend one week with their mom who is sick, devastated, and justifiably angry. (Fierce props to her for holding her boundaries and not allowing your DH one inch to further disrupt the lives of her children.) She sounds like a good mom in many ways, but it can’t be easy living in that house of sadness, abandonment, and grief.

So then the childrenget to switch to your house, where they share their time with their dad with YOU and your three kids. It’s insane.

Why did you get married so quickly? What was the rush?!?!? Please don’t be pregnant.

For the record, I started dating my DH when his DD was 14 and her parents had been split for 3 years. It still made her life much worse that I was in the picture. She got less of her dad than she deserved. We deliberately waited until
She graduated HS to get married, and it was STILL really really hard for her to then have us buy a house together and be a family without her when she went away to college. She didn’t ask for any of that. But my God, at least we have her sometime to grow up a little, and at least she has many years with her dad before I was with him manynof his weekends with her.

The more I think about it, the more it seems like marrying so quickly and trying to “blend” so quickly is even worse than the infidelity.

Glad you are thinking of changing the custody schedule at least.

Rushing to marry and "blend" reeks of the insecurity that it is. They rush so the man doesn't have a chance to think it through and change his mind. Immediately following our divorce, my ex husband's former AP attempted to do this as well, and boy oh boy did it blow up in her face. Before they made it to the alter, she soon found out that she was cheatable too. That relationship fizzled, as did every single one that followed. My ex was incapable of being faithful to anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I appreciate that you are taking some of the suggestions here to heart, even though people are being pretty mean about it. It is good you can see being 1) wrong about wanting older kids to do activities with the four year olds; 2) recognize you really don’t know much about tweens; 3) agree with the need to change the custody schedule to get all kids more time and attention from bio parents. This speaks well of you but please please also head 4) GET A THERAPIST who is willing to tell you this sh** like it is going forward - because guarantee you will continue to be way too hard on DH’s older kids

[Anonymous]

The best thing that could happen for the tweens is if your H relinquished custody. Having you forcing ‘family time’ just makes me ill— through a computer screen :/

Yes, actions have consequences and if there is a god there is a special place ready in hell for you. You have ruined innocent lives and continue to lead with selfish choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.

Ahhhh.... so your side of the story is that your DH was justified to have his affair because his wife was sick, and you were justified to have your affair because your then-DH was working his tail off to support his family. The family you wrecked.

Yeah, you were right to leave all of that out initially. It just makes you sound worse (although I didn't think that would even be possible).