Issue with blended family

[Anonymous]

You are pathetic OP

[Anonymous]

Obviously the ex is upset - she knows you as a family friend who has been to her house and her kids parties.

Oh what tangled webs we weave..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why can’t you change your custody schedule, then?

It doesn't make sense for me to be the one to change. My ex lives almost 45 minutes away, so the logistics of working out new schedules for my kids is much more difficult. I already had to move to my DH's neighborhood because his ex refused to allow his kids to switch schools, which I was willing to do since my oldest hadn't yet started school.

It makes sense because DH’s ex will not and you can’t force her and the current schedule is bad for your family. You chose this marriage. The kids did not. You are hurting them with this schedule. Stop being so f’ing selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

His ex refuses to switch custody schedules. Besides, we feel very strongly about setting aside time for our marriage apart from the blended family because we've both learned the hard way what happens when kids are prioritized abive the marriage.

This doesn't work for marriages where kids existed prior to the marriage. The children have to be a huge priority in blended families.

[Anonymous]

So, you and your husband have decided to "prioritize your marriage" over your kids, and you have five kids between you, all of whom have recently watched their parents divorce?

Holy crap.

I realize this sounds unusual, but both of us u deratamd that one of the reasons our previous marriages failed is that we grew apart from our spouses because of all the time and energy focused on the kids and not invested in the relationship. We aren't ignoring the kids. When the kids are here, we are all in focusing on them and on being a family.

[Anonymous]

You are selfish OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.

Way to bury important information! You need to come out with the whole story including if you had an affair. The timeline you're sharing seems fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, you and your husband have decided to "prioritize your marriage" over your kids, and you have five kids between you, all of whom have recently watched their parents divorce?

Holy crap.

I realize this sounds unusual, but both of us u deratamd that one of the reasons our previous marriages failed is that we grew apart from our spouses because of all the time and energy focused on the kids and not invested in the relationship. We aren't ignoring the kids. When the kids are here, we are all in focusing on them and on being a family.

Just because your pillow talk when having an affair included lying to yourselves about why you had an affair doesn’t make it true. Making kids a priority doesn’t break up a marriage by itself. Adultery does though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, you and your husband have decided to "prioritize your marriage" over your kids, and you have five kids between you, all of whom have recently watched their parents divorce?

Holy crap.

I realize this sounds unusual, but both of us u deratamd that one of the reasons our previous marriages failed is that we grew apart from our spouses because of all the time and energy focused on the kids and not invested in the relationship. We aren't ignoring the kids. When the kids are here, we are all in focusing on them and on being a family.

You are NOT LISTENING, OP. You are really hurting these kids. You don’t get the luxury of 50% of your time for the marriage when you have children. You don’t get that. Carve out a date night, carve out coffee time, carve out protected windows in each day. But you don’t shove all five kids into a week so that you can have a honeymoon every other week. That is HORRIBLE for these kids. You already know it’s not working.

You are manufacturing a problem and blaming it on DH’s kids. They are not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, you and your husband have decided to "prioritize your marriage" over your kids, and you have five kids between you, all of whom have recently watched their parents divorce?

Holy crap.

I realize this sounds unusual, but both of us u deratamd that one of the reasons our previous marriages failed is that we grew apart from our spouses because of all the time and energy focused on the kids and not invested in the relationship. We aren't ignoring the kids. When the kids are here, we are all in focusing on them and on being a family.

His kids need time with just their dad. Not you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a stepmom. First, read Stepmonster. It would help you adjust your expectations.

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

These kids have already lost their dad half the time, clearly have trauma about the breakup of their family. Only seeing their dad 50% of the time, it’s crazy that they have to divide their time with FOUR total strangers!! IF you love this guy, love his kids enough to gave them more time with him.

Let go of your visions of doing things as a group of 7 except maybe once a week. It’s not fair to any of you. One daily dinner of all 7 weekly would be a big win.

On your week with your kids, they can start adjusting to your DH’s presence without also adjusting to 2 more siblings. ANd vice-versa.

This forced family crowding is a Recipe for disaster. Focus on strengthening individual relationships rather than strengthening the nonexistent group bond. If people are getting their individual needs met, they wreck far more likely to be pleasant and cooperative.

OP - follow this advice. It’s sound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, you and your husband have decided to "prioritize your marriage" over your kids, and you have five kids between you, all of whom have recently watched their parents divorce?

Holy crap.

I realize this sounds unusual, but both of us u deratamd that one of the reasons our previous marriages failed is that we grew apart from our spouses because of all the time and energy focused on the kids and not invested in the relationship. We aren't ignoring the kids. When the kids are here, we are all in focusing on them and on being a family.

You are NOT LISTENING, OP. You are really hurting these kids. You don’t get the luxury of 50% of your time for the marriage when you have children. You don’t get that. Carve out a date night, carve out coffee time, carve out protected windows in each day. But you don’t shove all five kids into a week so that you can have a honeymoon every other week. That is HORRIBLE for these kids. You already know it’s not working.

You are manufacturing a problem and blaming it on DH’s kids. They are not the problem.

And just to add on - your new marriage will not survive the stress of an extremely bad family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'm selfish at all. I've taken the high road this entire time. DH's family is barely civil to me, yet I grit my teeth and deal. His parents barely acknowledge my children, but lavish his kids with presents over the holidays. I've not said a single word about this unfairness, and have never said a negative word about their mother.

I have taken on board the suggestions about letting go of expecting his kids do too much with my younger ones. I can see how that might not be appealing to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why can’t you change your custody schedule, then?

It doesn't make sense for me to be the one to change. My ex lives almost 45 minutes away, so the logistics of working out new schedules for my kids is much more difficult. I already had to move to my DH's neighborhood because his ex refused to allow his kids to switch schools, which I was willing to do since my oldest hadn't yet started school.

Who cares what makes sense or that is much more difficult for you. If it matters for you, you go through the "hardship" to make it work.

Do you hear yourself? His ex "refused" to let the older kids switch schools but you were the cool one who could move. This is was simply a consequence of the fact that her kids are older and yours younger, not that you're a better person who was willing to move. If you can't realize that not having the older kids switch schools when their lives were otherwise upended was a GOOD move, you don't have those kids' best interests at heart in the least.

You need a major attitude shift if you want this blended family to have a remote chance of working out.

[Anonymous]

PP again. That advice also allows you to tonfocus on being a “family”. You have to roll up your sleeves and do the uncomfortable grunt work to get to the vision you want. Build it the right way, or risk destruction.