Spouse wants to accompany on work travel; I don't want her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are only going to be there a few days and two of the nights will be in San Diego. Why not just stay in San Diego the entire time and commute in to the office?

You might not be able to do it this trip but think about doing it on subsequent trips. I can't blame your wife for wanting to see San Diego. There is a ton of stuff to do there.

Long drive to San Diego to where I am going. It would be like staying in DC while working in Emmitsburg.

I thought you said it was an hour NE?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are only going to be there a few days and two of the nights will be in San Diego. Why not just stay in San Diego the entire time and commute in to the office?

You might not be able to do it this trip but think about doing it on subsequent trips. I can't blame your wife for wanting to see San Diego. There is a ton of stuff to do there.

Long drive to San Diego to where I am going. It would be like staying in DC while working in Emmitsburg.

I thought you said it was an hour NE?

Not OP but people seem to keep harping on details. Maybe it is like staying in DC and commuting to Frederick. Would you want to do that? Commute 2 hours daily on a business trip just so spouse can have a nice, only partially free vacation? I'd rather plan a separate trip for the two of us, which it sounds like OP has done. I agree his tone in some of the posts is a little off putting, and I don't understand why he can't calmly explain situation to his wife or to DCUM, but this trip does not sound like a workable couples trip.

[Anonymous]

Op, what did your spouse say when you told her you didn’t want her complaining about the noise you make waking up in the hotel room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are only going to be there a few days and two of the nights will be in San Diego. Why not just stay in San Diego the entire time and commute in to the office?

You might not be able to do it this trip but think about doing it on subsequent trips. I can't blame your wife for wanting to see San Diego. There is a ton of stuff to do there.

Long drive to San Diego to where I am going. It would be like staying in DC while working in Emmitsburg.

I thought you said it was an hour NE?

Not OP but people seem to keep harping on details. Maybe it is like staying in DC and commuting to Frederick. Would you want to do that? Commute 2 hours daily on a business trip just so spouse can have a nice, only partially free vacation? I'd rather plan a separate trip for the two of us, which it sounds like OP has done. I agree his tone in some of the posts is a little off putting, and I don't understand why he can't calmly explain situation to his wife or to DCUM, but this trip does not sound like a workable couples trip.

Commuting from an hour out one day of your stay is not that big of a deal. But you double that commute time and of course it becomes less doable.

We can only go by the very limited details Op is giving.

[Anonymous]

Yeahhhh as per usual the actual information Mr Rigidity OP first gave belies his description of reality. So now the hotel Tuesday and Friday will be in San Diego and the middle of no where ‘Hampton Inn’ you now say is only for Wednesday and Thursday. Since it has been (according to you OP) ‘16-20 years’ since she last asked to come with you on a business trip you can’t drive that hour those 3 days?? Since you say you’ve been doing this 4 day a month trip regularly that means she’s been alone at home presumably with extra work for however many years you’ve been doing this (and how long have you tacked on that extra night because you’re too delicate to do the redeye return.

OP while no one really believes she’s now backed off the trip (you most likely kept your roadblocks in front of her) you’ve gone out of the way to paint your wife as ignorant of the real world, incapable of knowing her mind and able to ‘entertain herself’-and frivolously spending $$ to deny you a vacation.

If this were my DH-he’d sure as hell drive those miles and keep base hotel in SD but then again like most people including your wife-if need be I’d be flexible and enjoy tge novelty of time by myself knowing that Lyft even in that isolation could take me where I’d want to go. My DH, if he was ridiculously loud in morning would shower in the hotel gym, he would figure out a way to extend the trip an extra day if that’s what I wanted (you said you have a teenager so childcare can’t be a huge concern) and he’d do everything possible to enjoy what we’d both know would be limited time during needed work hours. You cannot stand the idea that your wife might enjoy herself OP: just admit that!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wants to come. Let her come. Make clear you won't be able to spend much time with her, if any. Why fight over this rather than just be nice and let her come?

BECAUSE SHE’S A NUISANCE

god you people are really dense sometimes

OP here. It is this. I know what will happen. She will get angry with me for waking up at 4 AM, showering at 5AM, and leaving at 5:30. I am quiet at home, but hotels are noisier. There is no place to eat within walking distance of the hotel. (no hotel restaurant) except for fast food places.

She will be stuck in the hotel (like a Hampton Inn).

Oh, and suggested we take a trip to FL for a three day weekend in Jan.

She sounds needy and dependent. Hard to be married to someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeahhhh as per usual the actual information Mr Rigidity OP first gave belies his description of reality. So now the hotel Tuesday and Friday will be in San Diego and the middle of no where ‘Hampton Inn’ you now say is only for Wednesday and Thursday. Since it has been (according to you OP) ‘16-20 years’ since she last asked to come with you on a business trip you can’t drive that hour those 3 days?? Since you say you’ve been doing this 4 day a month trip regularly that means she’s been alone at home presumably with extra work for however many years you’ve been doing this (and how long have you tacked on that extra night because you’re too delicate to do the redeye return.

OP while no one really believes she’s now backed off the trip (you most likely kept your roadblocks in front of her) you’ve gone out of the way to paint your wife as ignorant of the real world, incapable of knowing her mind and able to ‘entertain herself’-and frivolously spending $$ to deny you a vacation.

If this were my DH-he’d sure as hell drive those miles and keep base hotel in SD but then again like most people including your wife-if need be I’d be flexible and enjoy tge novelty of time by myself knowing that Lyft even in that isolation could take me where I’d want to go. My DH, if he was ridiculously loud in morning would shower in the hotel gym, he would figure out a way to extend the trip an extra day if that’s what I wanted (you said you have a teenager so childcare can’t be a huge concern) and he’d do everything possible to enjoy what we’d both know would be limited time during needed work hours. You cannot stand the idea that your wife might enjoy herself OP: just admit that!!!

Do you even work? If you do how do you not have a clue that employees don’t dictate the terms of their business travel? OP has very clearly stated the type of facility that he’s going to. He’s clearly a government contract (unless Feds are allowed to take business trips right now) and neither org is known for anything but utter cheapness.

Most of you responding clearly think OP is going on vacation. He’s going to work. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

OP clearly doesn’t want to spend time with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly doesn’t want to spend time with his wife.

Yes, that’s right. You’ve figured him out. Because he doesn’t want her to attend his business trips it 100% means he’s done and out of the marriage. The business trip must be code for spending 4-days with his lawyer hammering out his divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly doesn’t want to spend time with his wife.

Yes, that’s right. You’ve figured him out. Because he doesn’t want her to attend his business trips it 100% means he’s done and out of the marriage. The business trip must be code for spending 4-days with his lawyer hammering out his divorce papers.

ONE business trip after 16+ years of not going on any of them is pretty reasonable, IMO. She wants to see San Diego after hearing about her husband's trips all these years.

I started off on team Op but, honestly, I think that she should get the chance to go one time to see the city. Yes, Op will be working but he's probably already seen a lot of the area already.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god you guys he’s going to Twentynine Palms, not San Diego proper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god you guys he’s going to Twentynine Palms, not San Diego proper.

Too far. 29 Palms is almost 3 hours away. It’s probably North Pendleton. And there is nothing up there in the suburbs if you don’t have a car.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As I have said before, unless we stay in separate places, she will not be seeing San Diego. I land at about 9:00, I will go to a nearby hotel. Sleep to 4 and arrive at my destination by 7:00. I will be in that location -- where she is not allowed -- until sunset. Then I will check into my motel, get dinner. Problem 1: what to do before I check into the motel with her? Problem two: there is nothing to see in this location.

If I stay in San Diego, I have to leave for work at about 4:00 and will not get in until about 7:00 PM each day. And I do not get reimbursed for more than the destination hotel rate, not the San Diego hotel rate.

You see I need to be working sun up to sundown for the three days. Outside, in the field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god you guys he’s going to Twentynine Palms, not San Diego proper.

Too far. 29 Palms is almost 3 hours away. It’s probably North Pendleton. And there is nothing up there in the suburbs if you don’t have a car.

I stand corrected. Either way these PPs need to get San Diego out of their heads, he’s not going to be at a Marriott on the beach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are only going to be there a few days and two of the nights will be in San Diego. Why not just stay in San Diego the entire time and commute in to the office?

You might not be able to do it this trip but think about doing it on subsequent trips. I can't blame your wife for wanting to see San Diego. There is a ton of stuff to do there.

Long drive to San Diego to where I am going. It would be like staying in DC while working in Emmitsburg.

I thought you said it was an hour NE?

Not OP but people seem to keep harping on details. Maybe it is like staying in DC and commuting to Frederick. Would you want to do that? Commute 2 hours daily on a business trip just so spouse can have a nice, only partially free vacation? I'd rather plan a separate trip for the two of us, which it sounds like OP has done. I agree his tone in some of the posts is a little off putting, and I don't understand why he can't calmly explain situation to his wife or to DCUM, but this trip does not sound like a workable couples trip.

OMG 100% this - staying an hour away from where you have to be on a work trip would be excruciating. Work trips are exhausting. You have to be on from morning until evening, sometimes through dinner and beyond. Sometimes you get to enjoy yourself a little bit at a local restaurant with work colleagues, who you either have to keep being on for or else who you end up inappropriately casual with because you're too tired to maintain the professional facade.

The best part is when you can go collapse - alone! - in your close-by hotel room at the end of the day, whenever that happens to be.

Work travel isn't vacation. If you're lucky you get an hour or two - or a couple of hours - to go sightsee or hang out. But it is so , so tiring.

And before anyone jumps down my throat - I am the wife of someone who travels several times a month for work. I travel a few times a year for work. I could see going with my husband if I understood entirely that I would be on my own most of the day and most of the night, or if we were tacking on a few days at the end to go enjoy ourselves. Not if I expected that I'd get his attention - or, if he came on one of my trips, he'd get mine - much at all while the work period was happening.

That said I agree entirely that OP and his wife should take a real trip together, and soon.