Spouse wants to accompany on work travel; I don't want her

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm guessing your wife thinks you mess around on work trips and is testing the waters.

Sincerely, a woman who goes on work trips with her AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset if I wanted to sometimes travel with my boyfriend or spouse on work travel and he did not want me to.

I had a relationship with someone who travelled for work a ton and the fact I could go with him was huge in keeping our relationship strong because it made me resent the work travel less.

However I am an extremely independent traveller and travel alone all the time. I understood that he was potentially working all day and then having dinner with work colleagues without me. I just liked that I could go to a cool city and stay for free (I would fly for free too using his miles) and maybe get to see him a little bit. And hotel sex tends to be fun (though sometimes he was working such long hours that did not happen).

I think it will be hurtful if you say no. I do think it's fine to say you won't be able to see her much because you will be working most of the trip.

I don't see why it should blow your vacation budget. You just have to pay for her airfare. And then maybe an extra night in the hotel if you guys want to stay an extra night.

And yeah, you should consider taking the red eye back if she doesn't come.

You sound smothering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally don’t understand this. Our kids are grown and I travel with my DH all the time. We just returned from two weeks in Africa. While he works, I hang out at the pool, go shopping, rest, ....We meet up for dinner and enjoy spending the evening together. It works out well. His per diem more than covers meals. The hotel is paid for. Our only real cost is air travel. We have been married for almost 30 years and really enjoy spending time together.

That sounds really nice, but there is a huge variety in what it means to travel for work. I know in my husband's case, even when he goes to places which double as vacation spots - London, Geneva, San Francisco - he is booked breakfast - dinner. There isn't much point in my joining him unless we tack on time on the front or back end which he doesn't have time for.

In OP's case, it sounds like they are not empty nesters and his work experience does not make sense for a spouse to tag along.

Or there may be more to this - or the wife suspects there is.

Why don't you want to explore those cities by yourself?

Yes, exploring the cities by myself would be nice, but to line up child care for my kids, take time off of work, just so I can go to these cities for a few days isn't worth it to me. It is basically a free hotel room, and that is it. I'd never get to see my husband. I'd rather save my vacation time to spend with my husband or whole family. But I get it that other couples work differently. I was just trying to explain that business travel doesn't always work the way the poster spending two weeks in Africa does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally don’t understand this. Our kids are grown and I travel with my DH all the time. We just returned from two weeks in Africa. While he works, I hang out at the pool, go shopping, rest, ....We meet up for dinner and enjoy spending the evening together. It works out well. His per diem more than covers meals. The hotel is paid for. Our only real cost is air travel. We have been married for almost 30 years and really enjoy spending time together.

That sounds really nice, but there is a huge variety in what it means to travel for work. I know in my husband's case, even when he goes to places which double as vacation spots - London, Geneva, San Francisco - he is booked breakfast - dinner. There isn't much point in my joining him unless we tack on time on the front or back end which he doesn't have time for.

In OP's case, it sounds like they are not empty nesters and his work experience does not make sense for a spouse to tag along.

Or there may be more to this - or the wife suspects there is.

Why don't you want to explore those cities by yourself?

Yes, exploring the cities by myself would be nice, but to line up child care for my kids, take time off of work, just so I can go to these cities for a few days isn't worth it to me. It is basically a free hotel room, and that is it. I'd never get to see my husband. I'd rather save my vacation time to spend with my husband or whole family. But I get it that other couples work differently. I was just trying to explain that business travel doesn't always work the way the poster spending two weeks in Africa does.

I'm PP you responded to, and I can understand that. I asked because I had a great time in London (more than once) and Geneva by myself, and had no regrets/ issues. I would never reserve travel for when someone could be there with me.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am one of the responders who thought it was CRAZY to fly to CA for three days in a Hampton Inn.

But the bottom line is if your wife wants to do this, she must either be in dire need of a break or really doesn't understand what your business travel is like. Either way, let her come. It sounds like you will be really busy and won't be around if she finds it to be as pointless as we both seem to think it is.

Consider it the cost of a plane ticket to help her understand what your business travel is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wants to come. Let her come. Make clear you won't be able to spend much time with her, if any. Why fight over this rather than just be nice and let her come?

BECAUSE SHE’S A NUISANCE

god you people are really dense sometimes

[Anonymous]

I traveled with my husband on his work all over the world in Europe, Africa and even one very long trip to Samoa and New Zealand. It didn't matter if he worked long hours. I always found stuff to do, and we both had good times when we had dinner with his colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wants to come. Let her come. Make clear you won't be able to spend much time with her, if any. Why fight over this rather than just be nice and let her come?

BECAUSE SHE’S A NUISANCE

god you people are really dense sometimes

OP here. It is this. I know what will happen. She will get angry with me for waking up at 4 AM, showering at 5AM, and leaving at 5:30. I am quiet at home, but hotels are noisier. There is no place to eat within walking distance of the hotel. (no hotel restaurant) except for fast food places.

She will be stuck in the hotel (like a Hampton Inn).

Oh, and suggested we take a trip to FL for a three day weekend in Jan.

[Anonymous]

DC to San Diego flights can be found for $300 round trip. Car rentals for that time can be under $100. So we’re talking $400 (which is probably close to OP’s per diem) for his wife’s happiness. If she has a car it’s irrelevant where the restaurants are in relation to the hotel.

What I’m getting from OP’s posts is that he really likes his work trips and has no interest in wife joining him for whatever reason that he hasn’t actually admitted to yet. And he’s looking for any excuse (too much money, waste of vacation days, childcare issues, where hotel is isolated, wife will complain about early morning noise) to convince himself that he’s right by him not wanting her there.

If he actually just admits he doesn’t want her there because he doesn’t want her around I think things would be a lot easier but then he’d have to admit there’s something fatally wrong in his marriage overall. I’d bet if he was single and dating he’d jump on that person accompanying him in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wants to come. Let her come. Make clear you won't be able to spend much time with her, if any. Why fight over this rather than just be nice and let her come?

BECAUSE SHE’S A NUISANCE

god you people are really dense sometimes

OP here. It is this. I know what will happen. She will get angry with me for waking up at 4 AM, showering at 5AM, and leaving at 5:30. I am quiet at home, but hotels are noisier. There is no place to eat within walking distance of the hotel. (no hotel restaurant) except for fast food places.

She will be stuck in the hotel (like a Hampton Inn).

Oh, and suggested we take a trip to FL for a three day weekend in Jan.

It's ridiculous for her to get mad at you for getting up early to go to work. It would be ridiculous of her to get annoyed that there is nothing fun to do around the hotel and no good places to eat. If your meetings are all out in suburbia nowhereville than she has to realize that she would be paying all that money to literally hang out at the hotel pool and that dinner would be McDonald's.

I've gone on business trips with my husband and I had fun because we were in a fun location and I'm good about entertaining myself. He was there on business so he told me if/when he was free. We didn't make big plans for any given evening because I knew that a work dinner could come up. Instead, we just enjoyed the free time that he did have to spend with me.

It's not a vacation. You will be at work and you have to get up early. Tell her that. "Honey, you are welcome to come but I think you'll be bored. This is the hotel that we'll be staying out. These are the things around the hotel. As you can see, there isn't much there. This is my work schedule. I am not going to have a lot of free time to spend with you and I'll be having to go to bed early because I have to get such an early start. Are you sure that you wouldn't rather spend that money on a nice weekend away, just the two of us? Because I think that we would both enjoy ourselves a lot more."

If she still INSISTS on coming along, let her. She apparently needs to see what these trips are like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC to San Diego flights can be found for $300 round trip. Car rentals for that time can be under $100. So we’re talking $400 (which is probably close to OP’s per diem) for his wife’s happiness. If she has a car it’s irrelevant where the restaurants are in relation to the hotel.

What I’m getting from OP’s posts is that he really likes his work trips and has no interest in wife joining him for whatever reason that he hasn’t actually admitted to yet. And he’s looking for any excuse (too much money, waste of vacation days, childcare issues, where hotel is isolated, wife will complain about early morning noise) to convince himself that he’s right by him not wanting her there.

If he actually just admits he doesn’t want her there because he doesn’t want her around I think things would be a lot easier but then he’d have to admit there’s something fatally wrong in his marriage overall. I’d bet if he was single and dating he’d jump on that person accompanying him in a heartbeat.

She isn't going to have fun if she has to drive a long distance to get to a touristy venue. Usually the fun part of these trips are that they are in a fun area to begin with - the beach, Disney World, Vegas, NYC, etc. All you have to do is get up and walk out the door and there is a ton to do.

But where Op is going sounds like a regular old office in the middle of a suburban industrial park. Boring. Yes, his colleagues might take him out on the town one night, but if he has a resentful wife stewing back in the isolated hotel room how much is he really going to enjoy dinner out with his colleagues? Again, it's not a vacation. It's a business trip.

I would suggest that Op just lay it out on the line for her and if she still wants to come at least she has had fair warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC to San Diego flights can be found for $300 round trip. Car rentals for that time can be under $100. So we’re talking $400 (which is probably close to OP’s per diem) for his wife’s happiness. If she has a car it’s irrelevant where the restaurants are in relation to the hotel.

What I’m getting from OP’s posts is that he really likes his work trips and has no interest in wife joining him for whatever reason that he hasn’t actually admitted to yet. And he’s looking for any excuse (too much money, waste of vacation days, childcare issues, where hotel is isolated, wife will complain about early morning noise) to convince himself that he’s right by him not wanting her there.

If he actually just admits he doesn’t want her there because he doesn’t want her around I think things would be a lot easier but then he’d have to admit there’s something fatally wrong in his marriage overall. I’d bet if he was single and dating he’d jump on that person accompanying him in a heartbeat.

Not when I am traveling. Or more accurately, not on the flights I am taking. For work travel, I take the flights that work best for my schedule: non-stop, and most convenient time. It is more like 600 not 1000. But, we would need to rent two cars, which would have to be in San Diego, since there are no car rentals near the destination.

With that said, she back off on coming on the trip. She wanted to go to San Diego. I am staying the first and last night in San Diego, and she did not look past that. I do go to San Diego frequently.

[Anonymous]

You are only going to be there a few days and two of the nights will be in San Diego. Why not just stay in San Diego the entire time and commute in to the office?

You might not be able to do it this trip but think about doing it on subsequent trips. I can't blame your wife for wanting to see San Diego. There is a ton of stuff to do there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are only going to be there a few days and two of the nights will be in San Diego. Why not just stay in San Diego the entire time and commute in to the office?

You might not be able to do it this trip but think about doing it on subsequent trips. I can't blame your wife for wanting to see San Diego. There is a ton of stuff to do there.

Long drive to San Diego to where I am going. It would be like staying in DC while working in Emmitsburg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wants to come. Let her come. Make clear you won't be able to spend much time with her, if any. Why fight over this rather than just be nice and let her come?

BECAUSE SHE’S A NUISANCE

god you people are really dense sometimes

She should dump your ass, OP. You suck.