Spouse wants to accompany on work travel; I don't want her
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Anonymous
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We did this a couple of times 16-20 years ago, and what happens is 1) we blow our vacation budget, and 2) I do not get a vacation. I travel for about 4 days a month. In January, I will be working in Ca from Wed-Fri, flying out tues even, and home on Sat (I could take a red eye on Friday, but um...no).
She thinks my work travel involves frolicking. In fact, I will be sitting in a windowless office for three days. I will be working from about 7:00 AM to 6 PM, eat dinner, then sleep. Sure, it will not be cold there. And frankly, the last time we traveled together while I was at work, she got mad at me for showering at 7 AM local time, waking her up. |
Anonymous
| Sahm? She's bored. |
Anonymous
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Tell her that it is harder for you when she comes with because you are there to work and not hang out with her.
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Anonymous
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Just tell her it’s fine that she comes but to keep in mind this is a work trip for you. Your priority is work and that will be your focus. You will not be leaving meetings early to have dinner with her. If work runs late, you will text her, but will not be leaving work. There will be no sight seeing. If she wants to come and entertain herself, that’s fine.
Set expectations accordingly. If she complains on the trip, remind her of what you said and let her know she is welcome to change her flight and return home. Someone on here is going to say you’re having an affair. I just think spouses sometimes have an unrealistic expectation of what work travel involves. It’s grueling. |
Anonymous
| Does she not have a job? |
Anonymous
| Ugh. I used to date a guy who I brought on a few work trips. He would refer to them as “going on vacation!” and would get upset if I had to have dinner during the trip with coworkers and clients. It’s hard to bring a significant other on a work trip unless they are independent, not clingy, and maybe most importantly, understand what your job is about. |
Anonymous
| Can you just simply sit her down and tell her it’s too distracting, but then also try to start planning an actual vacation? Maybe she is desperate for a getaway, and having a plan set in stone for the summertime or whenever will make her feel better. It would show her 1) that you really do want to go away with her, just not on a work trip, and 2) something definite to look forward to. |
Anonymous
This, times 1,000. Instead of saying no and telling her how dull your work while traveling is, do something positive and proactive like this PP suggests. Make the issue about "Yeah, we really need a trip together but let's do it so we can BE together!" rather than making it about, "You're a problem and a burden when you've done this before." Tell her that you'll be working 11-hour days and would rather be with her when you and she can focus on each other and on having fun together. Come into that conversation with your calendar in hand and some specific ideas to discuss. Aren't there places you and she have talked about going on vacation? Get a little information on them and bring that to the table so she knows you are actually thinking about traveling with her and not just thinking about what a pain she was on the last work trip. My (then my fiancé) tagged along on several work trips but he got out and did a ton of tourism on his own during the days while I was working. And we tacked on at least a full day and night at the end or start of those trips to do our own thing. But if your DW is going to spend her days doing stuff half-heartedly on her own then pouncing on you after work expecting you to go out with her, you're right, that doesn't work; however, you can treat this like a problem or like an opportunity to start planning a real trip together. Your choice how you view it. |
Anonymous
| I had a 5 week trip to the UK for a technology exchange with a new JV partner. DW came for the first 3 weeks. She took the rental car during the day and did a lot of sightseeing. We went back to her favorite places in the weekends. We had breakfast and dinner together on most days. |
Anonymous
| I work in associations, so most of my travel is working conference. That means my days are like 6am to 7 or 8pm, maybe later if there are receptions and dinners to manage. Yes, they’re in nice cities. That I don’t see besides the inside of a convention center. Fortunately, DH understands, since he worked for an association for a few years early in his career. But my MIL doesn’t shut up about my glamorous travel and what a shame it is that I don’t bring DH and the kids. Twenty years of it, even with DH trying to tell her what it really is. |
Anonymous
| If the last time you traveled together for a work trip was 16-20 years ago, is it possible it could go better this time especially if you talk out what would be the schedule and she has a plan for what to do while you are gone 8-6pm or whatever the time frame? Could you tack on an extra day or two? Do you have alternate plans when you plan to go to CA on vacation (not work trip) with your wife? I think it’s a harder sell about the hard knock life of a work trip to Vegas, California, or Hawaii when it is never the right time or have enough money for two plane tickets there with your spouse for a true vacation. |
Anonymous
+1 If your DW is enthusiastic about doing her own sightseeing during the day this can work. If she really doesn’t enjoy doing those things on her own, then this is an opportunity to plan a real vacation where you can be tourists together. |
Anonymous
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There's no such thing as the "end of the day" on a work trip for most people. You're either socializing with your client or networking with colleagues or prepping for the next day while falling asleep and trying to figure out your hair and clean underwear.
A night "off" on a business trip where I DON'T have to go to a dinner is like a gift from heaven. Ordering room service in PJs, prepping materials with some time to spare, answering emails, speaking to ABSOLUTELY NO ONE - heaven. Rare, special heaven. If my spouse showed up on one of those nights wanting to hang out I would punch him in the face. |
Anonymous
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16-20 years ago?
Why don't you try talking? If you are basically using this for a cheap hotel room and she does her own thing, fine. If she things business travel is a holiday, then you two really aren't talking enough. |
Anonymous
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I would be upset if I wanted to sometimes travel with my boyfriend or spouse on work travel and he did not want me to.
I had a relationship with someone who travelled for work a ton and the fact I could go with him was huge in keeping our relationship strong because it made me resent the work travel less. However I am an extremely independent traveller and travel alone all the time. I understood that he was potentially working all day and then having dinner with work colleagues without me. I just liked that I could go to a cool city and stay for free (I would fly for free too using his miles) and maybe get to see him a little bit. And hotel sex tends to be fun (though sometimes he was working such long hours that did not happen). I think it will be hurtful if you say no. I do think it's fine to say you won't be able to see her much because you will be working most of the trip. I don't see why it should blow your vacation budget. You just have to pay for her airfare. And then maybe an extra night in the hotel if you guys want to stay an extra night. And yeah, you should consider taking the red eye back if she doesn't come. |