12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better get your child in check before they become aa full on teenager. Maybe boarding school?

For a kid who is on the spectrum? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

Yes - sure, until you realize that it still doesn’t work and then - start over!
It’s nice to be all sanctimonious and holier than thou but that doesn’t mean that your advice will work.
But continue to listen to Dr Laura - she can be quite entertaining.

Here is the thing, the reason why it doesn’t work is bc you tend to wait until 12 to try to fix behavior that has already appeared and has escalated. Your child didn’t just start acting out at age 12. The behavior was always there but you waited until it became violent toward other ppl to decide now is the time to do something. Had you addressed the behavior correctly in the beginning then you wouldn’t be scrambling to figure out what to do.

You are reading a lot into this. OP did not give us the full developmental history of her kid or their interventions. And you are wrong in that puberty DOES bring on new behaviors and often aggression in a previously easy going kid. It happened exactly like that in my ASD kid.

You are in denial.

I never said puberty doesn’t bring on new behaviors. I suggested that behaviors escalate. And while you may have thought your child was easy going they were probably presenting behaviors you didn’t think warranted discipline. So now as they enter puberty and the bebehavior becomes violent and aggressive you’re shocked.

[Anonymous]

I don't know any parent who has a kid with ASD who wasn't on top of hitting or other aggressive behavior before age 12. This thread is so crazy.

The parents with children who have autism are saying - the nanny should have read the signs to de-escalate the conflict and that going hardcore overpunishing a kid with ASD and aggression issues is going to backfire - there are other ways to give them consequences that won't backfire.

OP, your kid needs consequences (I have yet to see anyone say he doesn't!) but this is also an issue of a situation where the set up was not okay and then things went from bad to worse. When you have a child with ASD it isn't like a neurotypical kid. It isn't just "my way or the highway" with making them go around with their other activities. And your child may not be able to be left at home alone (which is what people with neurotypical 12 yr olds can do). It is hard but this care situation was a mess.

You need a nanny who has a lot of training in de-escalating and who will stand up to you and tell you 'hey we can try your plan for our day, but I don't if X can handle it and we may have to give up and go home."

[Anonymous]

> The parents with children who have autism are saying - the nanny should have read the signs to de-escalate the conflict and that going hardcore overpunishing a kid with ASD and aggression issues is going to backfire - there are other ways to give them consequences that won't backfire.

>> While that may be true, the child is getting old enough that he's going to have to learn to deal with people that could give a rat's rear about de-escaling a situation.

A friend could push his buttons. A girlfriend could have a tendency to need to have the last word. Hell, a stranger could cut him in line at the movies, even when your son is obviously in the right. Is he going to haul off and hit them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

Yes - sure, until you realize that it still doesn’t work and then - start over!
It’s nice to be all sanctimonious and holier than thou but that doesn’t mean that your advice will work.
But continue to listen to Dr Laura - she can be quite entertaining.

Here is the thing, the reason why it doesn’t work is bc you tend to wait until 12 to try to fix behavior that has already appeared and has escalated. Your child didn’t just start acting out at age 12. The behavior was always there but you waited until it became violent toward other ppl to decide now is the time to do something. Had you addressed the behavior correctly in the beginning then you wouldn’t be scrambling to figure out what to do.

A child with ASD can absolutely just start acting out at puberty. The hormones can impact on their ability to manage their feelings.

I commented early on but I worked with families who around puberty had to deal with aggressive behaviors that the child had never exhibited before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

Yes - sure, until you realize that it still doesn’t work and then - start over!
It’s nice to be all sanctimonious and holier than thou but that doesn’t mean that your advice will work.
But continue to listen to Dr Laura - she can be quite entertaining.

Here is the thing, the reason why it doesn’t work is bc you tend to wait until 12 to try to fix behavior that has already appeared and has escalated. Your child didn’t just start acting out at age 12. The behavior was always there but you waited until it became violent toward other ppl to decide now is the time to do something. Had you addressed the behavior correctly in the beginning then you wouldn’t be scrambling to figure out what to do.

You are reading a lot into this. OP did not give us the full developmental history of her kid or their interventions. And you are wrong in that puberty DOES bring on new behaviors and often aggression in a previously easy going kid. It happened exactly like that in my ASD kid.

You are in denial.

I never said puberty doesn’t bring on new behaviors. I suggested that behaviors escalate. And while you may have thought your child was easy going they were probably presenting behaviors you didn’t think warranted discipline. So now as they enter puberty and the bebehavior becomes violent and aggressive you’re shocked.

Different poster here. You are wrong. I doubt you have a child with special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:> The parents with children who have autism are saying - the nanny should have read the signs to de-escalate the conflict and that going hardcore overpunishing a kid with ASD and aggression issues is going to backfire - there are other ways to give them consequences that won't backfire.

>> While that may be true, the child is getting old enough that he's going to have to learn to deal with people that could give a rat's rear about de-escaling a situation.

A friend could push his buttons. A girlfriend could have a tendency to need to have the last word. Hell, a stranger could cut him in line at the movies, even when your son is obviously in the right. Is he going to haul off and hit them?

Or worse, shoot them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

Nobody is making excuses. They are trying to explain to you why traditional punishments don’t work. That’s all. I’m sure every special needs parent on this board has been working on everything for forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:> The parents with children who have autism are saying - the nanny should have read the signs to de-escalate the conflict and that going hardcore overpunishing a kid with ASD and aggression issues is going to backfire - there are other ways to give them consequences that won't backfire.

>> While that may be true, the child is getting old enough that he's going to have to learn to deal with people that could give a rat's rear about de-escaling a situation.

A friend could push his buttons. A girlfriend could have a tendency to need to have the last word. Hell, a stranger could cut him in line at the movies, even when your son is obviously in the right. Is he going to haul off and hit them?

Or worse, shoot them.

The first thing I thought of was the Connecticut Shooter that shot all those innocent first graders. His mom enabled his behavior. PP here.

[Anonymous]

Have not read all the posts. Have you considered that taking away devices that may well be a self-soothing technique for SN child. Threatening to take it away for a child who doesn’ Have other tools likely very threatening to child. Would suggest finding support for child to help find other self-soothing techniques. May also want to explore addiction to devices as an alternative or co- occurring reason for child’s reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

Yes - sure, until you realize that it still doesn’t work and then - start over!
It’s nice to be all sanctimonious and holier than thou but that doesn’t mean that your advice will work.
But continue to listen to Dr Laura - she can be quite entertaining.

Here is the thing, the reason why it doesn’t work is bc you tend to wait until 12 to try to fix behavior that has already appeared and has escalated. Your child didn’t just start acting out at age 12. The behavior was always there but you waited until it became violent toward other ppl to decide now is the time to do something. Had you addressed the behavior correctly in the beginning then you wouldn’t be scrambling to figure out what to do.

You are reading a lot into this. OP did not give us the full developmental history of her kid or their interventions. And you are wrong in that puberty DOES bring on new behaviors and often aggression in a previously easy going kid. It happened exactly like that in my ASD kid.

You are in denial.

I never said puberty doesn’t bring on new behaviors. I suggested that behaviors escalate. And while you may have thought your child was easy going they were probably presenting behaviors you didn’t think warranted discipline. So now as they enter puberty and the bebehavior becomes violent and aggressive you’re shocked.

Different poster here. You are wrong. I doubt you have a child with special needs.

Wrong bc it doesn’t fit your narrative? I doubt you’ve ever actually disciplined your child but make 101 excuses as to why their behavior is aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:> The parents with children who have autism are saying - the nanny should have read the signs to de-escalate the conflict and that going hardcore overpunishing a kid with ASD and aggression issues is going to backfire - there are other ways to give them consequences that won't backfire.

>> While that may be true, the child is getting old enough that he's going to have to learn to deal with people that could give a rat's rear about de-escaling a situation.

A friend could push his buttons. A girlfriend could have a tendency to need to have the last word. Hell, a stranger could cut him in line at the movies, even when your son is obviously in the right. Is he going to haul off and hit them?

Or worse, shoot them.

The first thing I thought of was the Connecticut Shooter that shot all those innocent first graders. His mom enabled his behavior. PP here.

Agree. Here is the future for the parents who want to make excuses for their child’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly curious - for those that think the 12 yo should not suffer consequences for hitting an adult twice, what will you say when that child hits another child who retaliates in kind and possibly hurts the offender? I have known children that don't start it but have no problem finishing when attacked. Is the child that defends herself problematic and should be punished? Is it ok that the offending dc finally faces the natural consequences of their violent behavior?

It’s not about the consequences. Of course he should receive consequences.
But the more complicated piece of the equation is how to redo things so that his life is managed better and that things are more reasonable and suitable for him. You can’t just put someone in an impossible situation and then acted shocked and horrified when someone reacts badly.

And how to teach him the skills of frustration tolerance, flexibility and emotional regulation that most kids learn naturally but ASD and ADHD kids often do not. You can’t expect someone to do something they don’t know how to do.

It takes AS kids longer to learn these skills (and many others).

Well, parents with dc's that have these issues need to get on it sooner rather than later. The world doesn't give 2 sh**s that your dc has problems regulating their emotions and will react to him/her accordingly. [b] For those parents that are making excuses and not getting help, society will be a far harsher teacher for your dc. I am certain it is difficult to parent in this situation but not facing reality isn't doing your child any favor.[/b]

x100000

Nobody is making excuses. They are trying to explain to you why traditional punishments don’t work. That’s all. I’m sure every special needs parent on this board has been working on everything for forever.

Sounds like excuses when the response is, well what did the nanny do to cause his reaction.