Husband made plans without me Thanksgiving morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy the holidays you have left with him. I foresee you having many solo Thanksgivings in the future.

Who would want to be attached to this loser dude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you're doing X and Y that day but if he expects Z and Q he needs to stay home and help cook/set the table, etc.

WTF? Do you literally do all the work for Thanksgiving, for HIS friends? If so, you have bigger problems than a damn bike ride.

+(1 x 2018)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^i love spending time with my spouse but meither of us would have a meltdown because the other wanted to golf with friends instead of doing a group bike ride they were apparently supposed to know about via extrasensory perception.

Guaranteed OP’s “tradition” is simply thought of as “we never do anything except maybe go for a walk so maybe I can use this day off to see my friends I don’t usually get to spend time with”

But instead OP is giving him some kind of pseudo-test he failed. She never even mentions the kid. The kid is like a non issue in all of this. It’s just her, her, her.

Generally it's a good idea to run things like this by your spouse on a holiday. Op asked her husband if he would like to do the bike ride with her and that is when she found out that he had made plans that she was not a part of.

Maybe you don't care if your spouse does his own thing during the holidays but I can totally see why Op was looking forward to spending the day with her husband whether they went on the bike ride or did something else together. Op is not biotching that her husband did not want to go on the bike ride, she is upset because her husband has essentially planned to do things with his buddies on a day that they have always enjoyed some time together as a couple. The fact that Op then has to host this group of her husband's friends only rubs salt in the wound.

I get why Op is upset.

I agree. Especially since it's obvious that DH assumes that she will just take on all the prep on her own while he's out or that dinner will magically appear.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a lot of trolls messing with you on this thread. You are perfectly reasonable, and you shouldn't acknowledge their BS insults, nor let them get in the way of your reasonable search for some rational and mature (I'm sure we can give you that) input.

You're right to be upset. It looks like all households cannot help themselves but fall back into the 50ies distribution of tasks and power every once in a while, and you have to be alert and not let it happen to your dignity, energy, and time. About this one statement:

But I'll present him with a list of things he has to do, or else cancel on them I guess. I won't actually do the whole thing myself.

I don't think you should draw that list of things he has to do, if it's his friends that your family is hosting. That is typical emotional labor. That list of things, he should have drawn it mentally before committing to be out of the house for a whole half-day before hosting. This habit, if it's a habit, of one-sided list drawing and divvying of tasks, only encourages the selfish irresponsible decision-making, that ends with a fight where everyone is unhappy.

If he's going to take the whole morning off to golf, *he* could be the one to come up with a list of things that he will do the day before or as soon as he gets back, or this weekend, and of things that you could do for the meal to be ready by Tday dinner time, to prove to you that his plan is fair to you, if hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^i love spending time with my spouse but meither of us would have a meltdown because the other wanted to golf with friends instead of doing a group bike ride they were apparently supposed to know about via extrasensory perception.

Guaranteed OP’s “tradition” is simply thought of as “we never do anything except maybe go for a walk so maybe I can use this day off to see my friends I don’t usually get to spend time with”

But instead OP is giving him some kind of pseudo-test he failed. She never even mentions the kid. The kid is like a non issue in all of this. It’s just her, her, her.

Oh, she does. She referrs to him as "the kid."

I mean...

You're both dumb. She said she wanted to go on a family bike ride. That includes their kid. He's the one bailing on his family but you've turned it into "she's a nag and a bad mother" because rote misogyny is par for the course on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^i love spending time with my spouse but meither of us would have a meltdown because the other wanted to golf with friends instead of doing a group bike ride they were apparently supposed to know about via extrasensory perception.

Guaranteed OP’s “tradition” is simply thought of as “we never do anything except maybe go for a walk so maybe I can use this day off to see my friends I don’t usually get to spend time with”

But instead OP is giving him some kind of pseudo-test he failed. She never even mentions the kid. The kid is like a non issue in all of this. It’s just her, her, her.

Generally it's a good idea to run things like this by your spouse on a holiday. Op asked her husband if he would like to do the bike ride with her and that is when she found out that he had made plans that she was not a part of.

Maybe you don't care if your spouse does his own thing during the holidays but I can totally see why Op was looking forward to spending the day with her husband whether they went on the bike ride or did something else together. Op is not biotching that her husband did not want to go on the bike ride, she is upset because her husband has essentially planned to do things with his buddies on a day that they have always enjoyed some time together as a couple. The fact that Op then has to host this group of her husband's friends only rubs salt in the wound.

I get why Op is upset.

I agree. Especially since it's obvious that DH assumes that she will just take on all the prep on her own while he's out or that dinner will magically appear.

I'd be upset, too. Her husband should have asked before making a tee time on THANKSGIVING. Especially if he generally expects to be consulted about much smaller events, like attending a kid's birthday party. It was inconsiderate not to. OP is not unreasonable for being upset.

And if my husband pulled a stunt like that, I'd be asking him how he expected dinner to get cooked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised at some of the responses. It's not that I "care" per se that he has plans. We certainly do separate things all the time with our friends. We've just never in all our years of marriage unilaterally decided one of us was heading out for hours on a holiday morning. He got mad at me when I showed surprised, then anger, that he never even thought to check in with me. To me, that's just common courtesy. For the record, I would have said, of course, go ahead. But I was never even consulted when he chides me all the time for way lesser (i.e. RSVPing our daughter for a birthday party she's invited to. Yes, he expects to "consulted" on those.)

And yes, PP. We are hosting. His friends. Which I will now be prepping by myself apparently.

FWIW, my DH will be up before me brining the turkey and will bring me coffee in bed. I think you needed to hear that for perspective.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. This thread went weird. I understand how you feel.

Am I crazy to think people shouldn’t make any plans about how they spend a major holiday without discussing it with their spouse??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. This thread went weird. I understand how you feel.

Am I crazy to think people shouldn’t make any plans about how they spend a major holiday without discussing it with their spouse??

If it interferes with dinner sure. If the “tradition” was some aimless and last minute walk around the neighborhood, no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. This thread went weird. I understand how you feel.

Am I crazy to think people shouldn’t make any plans about how they spend a major holiday without discussing it with their spouse??

If it interferes with dinner sure. If the “tradition” was some aimless and last minute walk around the neighborhood, no

Agreed. But thanksgiving dinner: he should be doing some heavy lifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised at some of the responses. It's not that I "care" per se that he has plans. We certainly do separate things all the time with our friends. We've just never in all our years of marriage unilaterally decided one of us was heading out for hours on a holiday morning. He got mad at me when I showed surprised, then anger, that he never even thought to check in with me. To me, that's just common courtesy. For the record, I would have said, of course, go ahead. But I was never even consulted when he chides me all the time for way lesser (i.e. RSVPing our daughter for a birthday party she's invited to. Yes, he expects to "consulted" on those.)

And yes, PP. We are hosting. His friends. Which I will now be prepping by myself apparently.

FWIW, my DH will be up before me brining the turkey and will bring me coffee in bed. I think you needed to hear that for perspective.

Man here: Aren't most men in charge of buying, brining, and cooking the turkey? Maybe I've been wrong my entire life about this.

[Anonymous]

If it weren't for women there would be no thanksgiving huge meals. Men wouldn't know their grandparents . Men would be fine with it. This kind of thread is why men die 10 years younger than women. The institutional drama is damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for women there would be no thanksgiving huge meals. Men wouldn't know their grandparents . Men would be fine with it. This kind of thread is why men die 10 years younger than women. The institutional drama is damaging.

Aren't huge meals one of the reasons why we ALL die 10 years younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for women there would be no thanksgiving huge meals. Men wouldn't know their grandparents . Men would be fine with it. This kind of thread is why men die 10 years younger than women. The institutional drama is damaging.

This is total BS. There would be Sunday football and they would see family more often. They would be fine with a beer and a pizza. Family gatherings don't have to be family drama, it's just women make up some Norman Rockwell imagine in their head.

Women make things so complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for women there would be no thanksgiving huge meals. Men wouldn't know their grandparents . Men would be fine with it. This kind of thread is why men die 10 years younger than women. The institutional drama is damaging.

What a stupid thing to say. That's like saying if it weren't for men, there would be no Christmas tree or presents to put under it because the man usually gets the tree and pays for the presents. BTW, in my family, the men have always brought home and cooked the turkey (and a few sides).