My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op tell him to prove it. He can start now; make it formal 6 months after he shows he can do it.

That's not the way it works. Why are you offering such stupid, useless, irrelevant advice?

Of course it's the way it works. I am divorced and have a custody arrangement with my ex, so I have been through this. Most of us have a waiting period before the divorce is final. Let him try his hand at 50/50 for six months before going to court.

Meanwhile, pay him whatever you think you should be paying him.

If he shows up for the pick ups and the carpool and takes care of the dentists and the band practice that fall on his days, faithfully for 6 months, you go ahead with 50/50 in your PSA (Property Settlement Agreement, which includes custody and visitation matters) Document/diarize each and every day, what happens, what was successful, what wasn't. If he FAILS to perform his 50%, you go to court with that documented and use it as a basis for telling the judge what amount of custody will and won't work.

Now I am in VA and I'm not a lawyer and my divorce was ten years ago, so this free chat room "stupid, useless, irrelevant advice" is just based on one person's ACTUAL REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE. But whatever you say PP. I assume you are a divorce lawyer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not agree to 50/50. I knew my ex well. I used child support to negotiate. I agreed to dramatically less child support in exchange for primary physical custody. He had every other week end and four week over the summer.

This won’t work here. I make more money. I actually think this is part of why he wants 50/50 custody. I have to pay him child support no matter what our custody arrangements are.

That is alimony. Child support uses nights at each parent and other expenses to calculate.

OP here. No, I make enough more than him that unless I have the kids almost full time I will still owe him some form of child support. We both waived the right to alimony. But I do think that he’s looking at the fact that I will pay him $50 a month if he has 40% custody and $500 a month if he has 50% custody and he’s using that to fuel his argument for 50% custody.

I still am not sure how he’s going to make this all work with work- he’s just going to tell them that he’s coming in and hour later ever other week since he has his kids and they’ll be okay with it? For years I asked him to have some flexibility with timing of this type of thing and he told me no “At 7:30 I’m the last one to the office.” And now all the sudden he says he can just come and go as needed? How long does this grace from work last?

Now just imagine if the situation were reversed, and dad was trying to avoid paying more support.

GTFOH with this. DCUM eviderates the OP regardless of gender.

Really? Perhaps OP needs to consider the flip side. It seems to me (female) that OP is trying to avoid paying the other $450. Maybe I'm wrong.

Her soon to be ex doesn't need to prove anything to her. If he's an unfit parent then say so - to the court.

OP here- Geeze Louise people. Have I said ANYTHING here about either avoiding or not wanting to pay child support? Good Lord. I’ll pay whatever is needed depending on our situation. And if you go back and actually READ my original post you’ll see that I’m trying to make my heart line up with what my brain already knows- that my soon to be ex-is making a huge push and try to make this work at 50/50 so I’m trying to accept it into my heart and as my reality. I am just wondering if this push is coming from a desire to actually 50/50 parent or a desire to keep his own lifestyle closer to where it currently stands given the fact that when we were married he never was willing to really 50/50 parent despite me asking him to.

You are openly speculating that the reason your ex wants 50/50 is because of the child support, and at the same time are aghast that someone would suggest that the reason you are pushing back on 50/50 is the child support.

Sauce for the goose . . .

[Anonymous]

Give him a chance to be a full time parent with 50/50. Surprising what my ex was able to handle when I wasn't automatically there to handle it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op tell him to prove it. He can start now; make it formal 6 months after he shows he can do it.

That's not the way it works. Why are you offering such stupid, useless, irrelevant advice?

Of course it's the way it works. I am divorced and have a custody arrangement with my ex, so I have been through this. Most of us have a waiting period before the divorce is final. Let him try his hand at 50/50 for six months before going to court.

Meanwhile, pay him whatever you think you should be paying him.

If he shows up for the pick ups and the carpool and takes care of the dentists and the band practice that fall on his days, faithfully for 6 months, you go ahead with 50/50 in your PSA (Property Settlement Agreement, which includes custody and visitation matters) Document/diarize each and every day, what happens, what was successful, what wasn't. If he FAILS to perform his 50%, you go to court with that documented and use it as a basis for telling the judge what amount of custody will and won't work.

Now I am in VA and I'm not a lawyer and my divorce was ten years ago, so this free chat room "stupid, useless, irrelevant advice" is just based on one person's ACTUAL REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE. But whatever you say PP. I assume you are a divorce lawyer?

I am divorced, and my actual real-life experience is that you're full of shit. You are setting the OP up for a huge, unnecessary court battle. I hope she has an actual lawyer who is smarter than you. She should listen to that lawyer, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op tell him to prove it. He can start now; make it formal 6 months after he shows he can do it.

That's not the way it works. Why are you offering such stupid, useless, irrelevant advice?

Of course it's the way it works. I am divorced and have a custody arrangement with my ex, so I have been through this. Most of us have a waiting period before the divorce is final. Let him try his hand at 50/50 for six months before going to court.

Meanwhile, pay him whatever you think you should be paying him.

If he shows up for the pick ups and the carpool and takes care of the dentists and the band practice that fall on his days, faithfully for 6 months, you go ahead with 50/50 in your PSA (Property Settlement Agreement, which includes custody and visitation matters) Document/diarize each and every day, what happens, what was successful, what wasn't. If he FAILS to perform his 50%, you go to court with that documented and use it as a basis for telling the judge what amount of custody will and won't work.

Now I am in VA and I'm not a lawyer and my divorce was ten years ago, so this free chat room "stupid, useless, irrelevant advice" is just based on one person's ACTUAL REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE. But whatever you say PP. I assume you are a divorce lawyer?

LOL. “tell the judge what works”...good luck with telling a judge what to do. See how far that gets you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

No, that is not just how the way most men are and most men aren't given a chance to be parents. There is usually more to those stories especially if you haven't talked to Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will have joint legal custody. I have no intention of changing that. I have always wanted 50/50 custody in the summers and for holidays so I’m not paying attention to the people who are telling me to restrict access to the children. That has never been my intention. My ideal situation has the kids with me during the school week and alternating a long weekend with dad (Thurs-Mon) during the school year to give the kids some continuity for school. Then holidays and summers are 50/50. I am not some crazy, unreasonable monster.

If you want to have the kids during the week because of "continuity for school" then you should give him every long weekend, not just alternating ones, and extra time in the summer to make up for lost custody during the school year. Because this isn't about you, right?

If they will keep going to the same school regardless of where they spend the night, then they have continuity for school. Done.

If you do week on, week off, then they have "continuity for school". Done.

If she wants continuity, she'll let Dad have the kids for the longer amount and she'll take every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

This doesn't alter the fact that if he wants 50/50, he's going to get it. And also, extrapolating from "I met this one mom the other day who said this" to "most men are like that" is utterly moronic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a choice? I thought 50/50 was a given unless there are valid reasons on either side not to.

I know women who fail to feed their kids, get them to school etc.

50/50 is not a given. Even in jurisdictions that say it is a starting point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

No, that is not just how the way most men are and most men aren't given a chance to be parents. There is usually more to those stories especially if you haven't talked to Dad.

I just opened this thread from recent topics, not currently in the process of divorce. But my DH not stepping up and parenting is a huge source of contention in our marriage. How do I “give him the chance” to parent? I feel like at best, I can give him a specific task (ie. “Help larlo with his homework tonight.”). But that feels more like something I would say to my nanny than something I would say to an equal parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

No, that is not just how the way most men are and most men aren't given a chance to be parents. There is usually more to those stories especially if you haven't talked to Dad.

I just opened this thread from recent topics, not currently in the process of divorce. But my DH not stepping up and parenting is a huge source of contention in our marriage. How do I “give him the chance” to parent? I feel like at best, I can give him a specific task (ie. “Help larlo with his homework tonight.”). But that feels more like something I would say to my nanny than something I would say to an equal parent.

Your nanny should be helping with the homework, feeding the kids and bathing them before you get home. That is what you pay her for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

This doesn't alter the fact that if he wants 50/50, he's going to get it. And also, extrapolating from "I met this one mom the other day who said this" to "most men are like that" is utterly moronic.

I don’t know of one man who has 50-50. Doesn’t happen in my neck of the woods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

This doesn't alter the fact that if he wants 50/50, he's going to get it. And also, extrapolating from "I met this one mom the other day who said this" to "most men are like that" is utterly moronic.

I don’t know of one man who has 50-50. Doesn’t happen in my neck of the woods.

What is your neck of the woods? Not DC I assume?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll figure it out. You need to give him a chance as kids need an equal relationship with their dad.

Yes, this.

Agree.

And guess what, it's okay if he doesn't do everything exactly the way you would do it. Your way is not the only way. It doesn't mean either one of you is better than the other.