My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

What a load of baloney. I don't believe for a moment that anyone on DCUM has an XDH who does not feed his kids, arrange childcare, or schedule doctor's appointments. Maybe these men don't do it the way their harpy ex-wives prefer them to do it, or maybe they don't do it because their harpy ex-wives demanded full custody and therefore do all that stuff themselves, but that's an entirely different matter.

Sexual assault and abuse is not a "common" action of men. You are twisted in the head. YOU have problems, not "men". Seek help!

1/4 women are assaulted. Yes, it IS common.

Bullshit. They have expanded the definition in order to make it "common".

Okay. I’m a woman and every woman I know has had some negative experience with harassment at some point. And I know several who were assaulted. Doesn’t seem that uncommon to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not agree to 50/50. I knew my ex well. I used child support to negotiate. I agreed to dramatically less child support in exchange for primary physical custody. He had every other week end and four week over the summer.

This won’t work here. I make more money. I actually think this is part of why he wants 50/50 custody. I have to pay him child support no matter what our custody arrangements are.

That is alimony. Child support uses nights at each parent and other expenses to calculate.

OP here. No, I make enough more than him that unless I have the kids almost full time I will still owe him some form of child support. We both waived the right to alimony. But I do think that he’s looking at the fact that I will pay him $50 a month if he has 40% custody and $500 a month if he has 50% custody and he’s using that to fuel his argument for 50% custody.

I still am not sure how he’s going to make this all work with work- he’s just going to tell them that he’s coming in and hour later ever other week since he has his kids and they’ll be okay with it? For years I asked him to have some flexibility with timing of this type of thing and he told me no “At 7:30 I’m the last one to the office.” And now all the sudden he says he can just come and go as needed? How long does this grace from work last?

Now just imagine if the situation were reversed, and dad was trying to avoid paying more support.

GTFOH with this. DCUM eviderates the OP regardless of gender.

Really? Perhaps OP needs to consider the flip side. It seems to me (female) that OP is trying to avoid paying the other $450. Maybe I'm wrong.

Her soon to be ex doesn't need to prove anything to her. If he's an unfit parent then say so - to the court.

OP here- Geeze Louise people. Have I said ANYTHING here about either avoiding or not wanting to pay child support? Good Lord. I’ll pay whatever is needed depending on our situation. And if you go back and actually READ my original post you’ll see that I’m trying to make my heart line up with what my brain already knows- that my soon to be ex-is making a huge push and try to make this work at 50/50 so I’m trying to accept it into my heart and as my reality. I am just wondering if this push is coming from a desire to actually 50/50 parent or a desire to keep his own lifestyle closer to where it currently stands given the fact that when we were married he never was willing to really 50/50 parent despite me asking him to.

I understand your desire to know his intentions, but it really doesn’t matter WHY he wants it. It’s not like you’ll ever be able to prove it either way. I don’t think anyone can blame him for wanting what he is legally entitled to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

What a load of baloney. I don't believe for a moment that anyone on DCUM has an XDH who does not feed his kids, arrange childcare, or schedule doctor's appointments. Maybe these men don't do it the way their harpy ex-wives prefer them to do it, or maybe they don't do it because their harpy ex-wives demanded full custody and therefore do all that stuff themselves, but that's an entirely different matter.

Sexual assault and abuse is not a "common" action of men. You are twisted in the head. YOU have problems, not "men". Seek help!

1/4 women are assaulted. Yes, it IS common.

Bullshit. They have expanded the definition in order to make it "common".

Okay. I’m a woman and every woman I know has had some negative experience with harassment at some point. And I know several who were assaulted. Doesn’t seem that uncommon to me.

Yes, majority are harassed at some point but what does this have to do with parenting and 50/50 custody. That is a stretch to use as an excuse to take away Dad's relationship with kids for Mom's needs. If you don't want to share time, don't get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not agree to 50/50. I knew my ex well. I used child support to negotiate. I agreed to dramatically less child support in exchange for primary physical custody. He had every other week end and four week over the summer.

This won’t work here. I make more money. I actually think this is part of why he wants 50/50 custody. I have to pay him child support no matter what our custody arrangements are.

That is alimony. Child support uses nights at each parent and other expenses to calculate.

OP here. No, I make enough more than him that unless I have the kids almost full time I will still owe him some form of child support. We both waived the right to alimony. But I do think that he’s looking at the fact that I will pay him $50 a month if he has 40% custody and $500 a month if he has 50% custody and he’s using that to fuel his argument for 50% custody.

I still am not sure how he’s going to make this all work with work- he’s just going to tell them that he’s coming in and hour later ever other week since he has his kids and they’ll be okay with it? For years I asked him to have some flexibility with timing of this type of thing and he told me no “At 7:30 I’m the last one to the office.” And now all the sudden he says he can just come and go as needed? How long does this grace from work last?

Now just imagine if the situation were reversed, and dad was trying to avoid paying more support.

GTFOH with this. DCUM eviderates the OP regardless of gender.

Really? Perhaps OP needs to consider the flip side. It seems to me (female) that OP is trying to avoid paying the other $450. Maybe I'm wrong.

Her soon to be ex doesn't need to prove anything to her. If he's an unfit parent then say so - to the court.

OP here- Geeze Louise people. Have I said ANYTHING here about either avoiding or not wanting to pay child support? Good Lord. I’ll pay whatever is needed depending on our situation. And if you go back and actually READ my original post you’ll see that I’m trying to make my heart line up with what my brain already knows- that my soon to be ex-is making a huge push and try to make this work at 50/50 so I’m trying to accept it into my heart and as my reality. I am just wondering if this push is coming from a desire to actually 50/50 parent or a desire to keep his own lifestyle closer to where it currently stands given the fact that when we were married he never was willing to really 50/50 parent despite me asking him to.

He is 50% their parent as you are. He should get 50% time in less there is abuse or neglect issues. Not doing doctor appts and other stuff because you did them is not neglect. Maybe without you taking care of things he will step up and do it. The real issue is you don't want to not see your kids 50% of the time, which is a huge deal but that's the reality of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not agree to 50/50. I knew my ex well. I used child support to negotiate. I agreed to dramatically less child support in exchange for primary physical custody. He had every other week end and four week over the summer.

This won’t work here. I make more money. I actually think this is part of why he wants 50/50 custody. I have to pay him child support no matter what our custody arrangements are.

That is alimony. Child support uses nights at each parent and other expenses to calculate.

OP here. No, I make enough more than him that unless I have the kids almost full time I will still owe him some form of child support. We both waived the right to alimony. But I do think that he’s looking at the fact that I will pay him $50 a month if he has 40% custody and $500 a month if he has 50% custody and he’s using that to fuel his argument for 50% custody.

I still am not sure how he’s going to make this all work with work- he’s just going to tell them that he’s coming in and hour later ever other week since he has his kids and they’ll be okay with it? For years I asked him to have some flexibility with timing of this type of thing and he told me no “At 7:30 I’m the last one to the office.” And now all the sudden he says he can just come and go as needed? How long does this grace from work last?

Now just imagine if the situation were reversed, and dad was trying to avoid paying more support.

GTFOH with this. DCUM eviderates the OP regardless of gender.

Really? Perhaps OP needs to consider the flip side. It seems to me (female) that OP is trying to avoid paying the other $450. Maybe I'm wrong.

Her soon to be ex doesn't need to prove anything to her. If he's an unfit parent then say so - to the court.

OP here- Geeze Louise people. Have I said ANYTHING here about either avoiding or not wanting to pay child support? Good Lord. I’ll pay whatever is needed depending on our situation. And if you go back and actually READ my original post you’ll see that I’m trying to make my heart line up with what my brain already knows- that my soon to be ex-is making a huge push and try to make this work at 50/50 so I’m trying to accept it into my heart and as my reality. I am just wondering if this push is coming from a desire to actually 50/50 parent or a desire to keep his own lifestyle closer to where it currently stands given the fact that when we were married he never was willing to really 50/50 parent despite me asking him to.

I apologize if I took one or two of your subsequent posts to be more about finances.

He may just step up. Probably not in a way you will like. You may not approve of his methods...but there are reasons you're divorcing.

Big breath OP. It isn't going to be easy.

[Anonymous]

OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

Agree 1000%!

Also, advising the OP to contest the divorce is terrible advice. Spend a bunch of money and cause a bunch of acrimony to try and get something you are very unlikely to get? STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We will have joint legal custody. I have no intention of changing that. I have always wanted 50/50 custody in the summers and for holidays so I’m not paying attention to the people who are telling me to restrict access to the children. That has never been my intention. My ideal situation has the kids with me during the school week and alternating a long weekend with dad (Thurs-Mon) during the school year to give the kids some continuity for school. Then holidays and summers are 50/50. I am not some crazy, unreasonable monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not agree to 50/50. I knew my ex well. I used child support to negotiate. I agreed to dramatically less child support in exchange for primary physical custody. He had every other week end and four week over the summer.

This won’t work here. I make more money. I actually think this is part of why he wants 50/50 custody. I have to pay him child support no matter what our custody arrangements are.

That is alimony. Child support uses nights at each parent and other expenses to calculate.

OP here. No, I make enough more than him that unless I have the kids almost full time I will still owe him some form of child support. We both waived the right to alimony. But I do think that he’s looking at the fact that I will pay him $50 a month if he has 40% custody and $500 a month if he has 50% custody and he’s using that to fuel his argument for 50% custody.

I still am not sure how he’s going to make this all work with work- he’s just going to tell them that he’s coming in and hour later ever other week since he has his kids and they’ll be okay with it? For years I asked him to have some flexibility with timing of this type of thing and he told me no “At 7:30 I’m the last one to the office.” And now all the sudden he says he can just come and go as needed? How long does this grace from work last?

He thinks that you’re going to do it, OP. He is going to get a house near yours, and he is going to ask you to come over and get the kids off to school every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will have joint legal custody. I have no intention of changing that. I have always wanted 50/50 custody in the summers and for holidays so I’m not paying attention to the people who are telling me to restrict access to the children. That has never been my intention. My ideal situation has the kids with me during the school week and alternating a long weekend with dad (Thurs-Mon) during the school year to give the kids some continuity for school. Then holidays and summers are 50/50. I am not some crazy, unreasonable monster.

Hugs to you! As to your original question, I think only time will help you make peace with the new custody arrangement. You seem eminently rational to me, and like friends who unexepectedly divorced after two decades together with children. (Several different couples, different states.) Each of the Moms have struggled ... two have found peace, while the third is just counting the days til her youngest is graduating from high school so that she can then leave the DC area. (Ex-husband tying her here, so four more years to go.)

Most of the districts in this area have mediation before it would go to court. Why not go in and ask for the split you've suggested above? Worst case scenario, he doesn't agree, and then you end up with the week on, week off schedule. But at least then you might have some leverage as you had to move away from your original position.

Not sure how old your kid(s) are, but the scenario of having one parent having primary physical custody with alternating long weekends is what has worked successfully for my friends. (kids in upper elementary, middle and high school).

The upshot, however long it takes to get there, is that the kids will hopefully have a more inolved Dad, and a less stressed Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will have joint legal custody. I have no intention of changing that. I have always wanted 50/50 custody in the summers and for holidays so I’m not paying attention to the people who are telling me to restrict access to the children. That has never been my intention. My ideal situation has the kids with me during the school week and alternating a long weekend with dad (Thurs-Mon) during the school year to give the kids some continuity for school. Then holidays and summers are 50/50. I am not some crazy, unreasonable monster.

If you want to have the kids during the week because of "continuity for school" then you should give him every long weekend, not just alternating ones, and extra time in the summer to make up for lost custody during the school year. Because this isn't about you, right?

If they will keep going to the same school regardless of where they spend the night, then they have continuity for school. Done.

If you do week on, week off, then they have "continuity for school". Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will have joint legal custody. I have no intention of changing that. I have always wanted 50/50 custody in the summers and for holidays so I’m not paying attention to the people who are telling me to restrict access to the children. That has never been my intention. My ideal situation has the kids with me during the school week and alternating a long weekend with dad (Thurs-Mon) during the school year to give the kids some continuity for school. Then holidays and summers are 50/50. I am not some crazy, unreasonable monster.

If you want to have the kids during the week because of "continuity for school" then you should give him every long weekend, not just alternating ones, and extra time in the summer to make up for lost custody during the school year. Because this isn't about you, right?

If they will keep going to the same school regardless of where they spend the night, then they have continuity for school. Done.

If you do week on, week off, then they have "continuity for school". Done.

Or you could cut them in half and each of you gets half. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will have joint legal custody. I have no intention of changing that. I have always wanted 50/50 custody in the summers and for holidays so I’m not paying attention to the people who are telling me to restrict access to the children. That has never been my intention. My ideal situation has the kids with me during the school week and alternating a long weekend with dad (Thurs-Mon) during the school year to give the kids some continuity for school. Then holidays and summers are 50/50. I am not some crazy, unreasonable monster.

If you want to have the kids during the week because of "continuity for school" then you should give him every long weekend, not just alternating ones, and extra time in the summer to make up for lost custody during the school year. Because this isn't about you, right?

If they will keep going to the same school regardless of where they spend the night, then they have continuity for school. Done.

If you do week on, week off, then they have "continuity for school". Done.

Or you could cut them in half and each of you gets half. Done.

How Biblical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We will have joint legal custody. I have no intention of changing that. I have always wanted 50/50 custody in the summers and for holidays so I’m not paying attention to the people who are telling me to restrict access to the children. That has never been my intention. My ideal situation has the kids with me during the school week and alternating a long weekend with dad (Thurs-Mon) during the school year to give the kids some continuity for school. Then holidays and summers are 50/50. I am not some crazy, unreasonable monster.

If you want to have the kids during the week because of "continuity for school" then you should give him every long weekend, not just alternating ones, and extra time in the summer to make up for lost custody during the school year. Because this isn't about you, right?

If they will keep going to the same school regardless of where they spend the night, then they have continuity for school. Done.

If you do week on, week off, then they have "continuity for school". Done.

Or you could cut them in half and each of you gets half. Done.

How retarded

FIFY