My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

If there’s no concerns about the kids’ well-being, let him try it. You can also adjust to 70/30 if needed.

I wish there were no safety and well-being concerns with my ex. We’re at 60/40 on paper (to reduce his CS) and 70/30 in reality. DD constantly asks when she can just see her dad on holidays and maybe a week over the summer. It’s looking like age 15 or 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in the Midwest, and no one I lnow has 50/50. Dads always bail on this.

This is what I have seen too. Starts out 50/50. Mom never bails our dad. Kids put a lot of pressure on dad to take them to soccer practice, feed them, and help with science projects. Dad puts it all on the nanny, who is already stressed going between two households. Nanny quits. Mom comes up with alternative childcare during her time with the kids. Does not help out dad. Dad bails on 50/50.

Wait..you mean nanny doing her job???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in the Midwest, and no one I lnow has 50/50. Dads always bail on this.

This is what I have seen too. Starts out 50/50. Mom never bails our dad. Kids put a lot of pressure on dad to take them to soccer practice, feed them, and help with science projects. Dad puts it all on the nanny, who is already stressed going between two households. Nanny quits. Mom comes up with alternative childcare during her time with the kids. Does not help out dad. Dad bails on 50/50.

I'm a dad, I have 50/50, I have not bailed, and I'm not going to bail. But I was much more involved in parenting than the OP's STBXH before the divorce.

[Anonymous]

I know lots of dads who didn't quit and I find it pretty sexist when people make those broad sweeping generalizations.

I had one friend who divorced sice she said her husband was not involved at all and all he did was play video games. After they divorced he totally changed and has been a very involved dad with 50% custody since. He has a very different perspective than my friend on his lack of involvement during their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know lots of dads who didn't quit and I find it pretty sexist when people make those broad sweeping generalizations.

I had one friend who divorced sice she said her husband was not involved at all and all he did was play video games. After they divorced he totally changed and has been a very involved dad with 50% custody since. He has a very different perspective than my friend on his lack of involvement during their marriage.

What was his perspective on his lack of involvement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in the Midwest, and no one I lnow has 50/50. Dads always bail on this.

This is what I have seen too. Starts out 50/50. Mom never bails our dad. Kids put a lot of pressure on dad to take them to soccer practice, feed them, and help with science projects. Dad puts it all on the nanny, who is already stressed going between two households. Nanny quits. Mom comes up with alternative childcare during her time with the kids. Does not help out dad. Dad bails on 50/50.

I'm a dad, I have 50/50, I have not bailed, and I'm not going to bail. But I was much more involved in parenting than the OP's STBXH before the divorce.

That’s awesome, man. It’s ideal for any kids to have two involved parents.

[Anonymous]

You sound absolutely dreadful, OP. No wonder you're getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you’re not going to like this but, the truth is, a stepmom is about to take all that off his plate. My dad picked out the best stepmoms. They did so much for me.

Er, after your parents divorced, your father remarried multiple times? Father of the effing year right there.

He’s a good dad. He’s a terrible husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know lots of dads who didn't quit and I find it pretty sexist when people make those broad sweeping generalizations.

I had one friend who divorced sice she said her husband was not involved at all and all he did was play video games. After they divorced he totally changed and has been a very involved dad with 50% custody since. He has a very different perspective than my friend on his lack of involvement during their marriage.

What was his perspective on his lack of involvement?

His perspective was that he didn't feel there was a way for him to be involved. My friend is very Type A and her ex was far more laid back. She had everything planned, had read every book, had an idea of how everything should be...and so he felt any idea or opinion he had was immediately dismissed because it wasn't as informed as hers. He didn't feel he was seen as an equal parent - more as a mom's sidekick or assistant. My friend had PPD and had a lot of guilt and he felt that anything he did anything, she interpreted that as his way of saying she wasn't a good mother. He said his interactions with the kids seen to just create fights so he withdrew. Then he himself got very depressed and he lost the motivation to keep trying. He was always stressed at home and withdrew and isolated himself. She drank and got mad to cope, he withdrew and played video games to cope.

Once they divorced, he said he felt like a different person, he was able to form his own relationship with the kids, and as that bond grew, he became more and more involved. Within a year of the divorce he wad 50/50 custody and was very involved in everything. The divorce was 12 years ago. The parents are now great friends, both remarried and all hang out together and they have co-parented really well for the last 10 years. They both realized they had been part of the problem and that they were terrible for each other but actually good at raising kids together.

[Anonymous]

It's not really up to you to agree to it. It's the standard and it's what's going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not really up to you to agree to it. It's the standard and it's what's going to happen.

Hypothetically, it’s the standard. It’s not the legal standard —as many MRA have complained here. And it doesn’t work for enough families that judges aren’t forcing it when one parent is satisfied with less than 50%.

[Anonymous]

That's great he wants to step up finally but I agree he'll be quickly remarried. Any chance of reconciliation? If not you're losing 50% of your kids' time to some random chick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not really up to you to agree to it. It's the standard and it's what's going to happen.

Hypothetically, it’s the standard. It’s not the legal standard —as many MRA have complained here. And it doesn’t work for enough families that judges aren’t forcing it when one parent is satisfied with less than 50%.

And so far this dad is saying he wants 50% and has plans to make that work. So it will be granted by the judge. It doesn't matter if OP would prefer something else or can't get her heart behind it. That's what happens in divorce.

[Anonymous]

It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know lots of dads who didn't quit and I find it pretty sexist when people make those broad sweeping generalizations.

I had one friend who divorced sice she said her husband was not involved at all and all he did was play video games. After they divorced he totally changed and has been a very involved dad with 50% custody since. He has a very different perspective than my friend on his lack of involvement during their marriage.

What was his perspective on his lack of involvement?

His perspective was that he didn't feel there was a way for him to be involved. My friend is very Type A and her ex was far more laid back. She had everything planned, had read every book, had an idea of how everything should be...and so he felt any idea or opinion he had was immediately dismissed because it wasn't as informed as hers. He didn't feel he was seen as an equal parent - more as a mom's sidekick or assistant. My friend had PPD and had a lot of guilt and he felt that anything he did anything, she interpreted that as his way of saying she wasn't a good mother. He said his interactions with the kids seen to just create fights so he withdrew. Then he himself got very depressed and he lost the motivation to keep trying. He was always stressed at home and withdrew and isolated himself. She drank and got mad to cope, he withdrew and played video games to cope.

Once they divorced, he said he felt like a different person, he was able to form his own relationship with the kids, and as that bond grew, he became more and more involved. Within a year of the divorce he wad 50/50 custody and was very involved in everything. The divorce was 12 years ago. The parents are now great friends, both remarried and all hang out together and they have co-parented really well for the last 10 years. They both realized they had been part of the problem and that they were terrible for each other but actually good at raising kids together.

This is a very interesting other perspective. I see a lot of my marriage here.