My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in the Midwest, and no one I lnow has 50/50. Dads always bail on this.

This is what I have seen too. Starts out 50/50. Mom never bails our dad. Kids put a lot of pressure on dad to take them to soccer practice, feed them, and help with science projects. Dad puts it all on the nanny, who is already stressed going between two households. Nanny quits. Mom comes up with alternative childcare during her time with the kids. Does not help out dad. Dad bails on 50/50.

I am from Canada where it seems like everyone is doing 50/50. Is it cultural differences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in the Midwest, and no one I lnow has 50/50. Dads always bail on this.

This is what I have seen too. Starts out 50/50. Mom never bails our dad. Kids put a lot of pressure on dad to take them to soccer practice, feed them, and help with science projects. Dad puts it all on the nanny, who is already stressed going between two households. Nanny quits. Mom comes up with alternative childcare during her time with the kids. Does not help out dad. Dad bails on 50/50.

I am from Canada where it seems like everyone is doing 50/50. Is it cultural differences?

This is DCUM women making shit up because their consensus is that Men Are Bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's a good dad, as hard as it is to let go of what you've already worked so hard to set for your kids, let go. And let him fail. If he's an asshole, I'd say fight it. But if he's trying to make this work for their sake, and you feel like a 50/50 relationship can work, make it work, for their sake.

What does “is a good dad” mean in court? Does a few minutes of fun kid horseplay after work?

What happens to those dads with untreated ADHD? Chronically forget things, don’t listen to anyone (kids trying to talk to him), cannot plan, absentminded and never in the present, cannot keep places clean or maintained, and then he worst: don’t see dangerous situations (kid taken out by surf wave), kid hit by car almost twice, windy doors slamming on kids fingers), etc.
Do they get 50/50? Or holidays with kids themselves? Seems like a real liability.

I’m a lawyer. I saw a mom who had been smoking meth in front of her daughter/while pregnant with her daughter only lose custody after years of working with the system. You think the courts will be convinced by an accident with a windy day and a door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's a good dad, as hard as it is to let go of what you've already worked so hard to set for your kids, let go. And let him fail. If he's an asshole, I'd say fight it. But if he's trying to make this work for their sake, and you feel like a 50/50 relationship can work, make it work, for their sake.

What does “is a good dad” mean in court? Does a few minutes of fun kid horseplay after work? [Same thing as "a good mom" - it means "not a convicted criminal or drug addict." ]

What happens to those dads with untreated ADHD? Chronically forget things, don’t listen to anyone (kids trying to talk to him), cannot plan, absentminded and never in the present, cannot keep places clean or maintained, and then he worst: don’t see dangerous situations (kid taken out by surf wave), kid hit by car almost twice, windy doors slamming on kids fingers), etc.
Do they get 50/50? Or holidays with kids themselves? Seems like a real liability.

Do these men have jobs? If they can hold down a job, they can do all the parenting things. If not, how the heck did they end up married and with kids?

Usually their workaholic nature, backwards priorities and zero involvement running the household, kids and life are the reason for the failed marriage.
Court systems are at the end of their run using base case of 50/50, and the more complaints and modifications they get inundated with, as well as social worker cases, the more it will change again.

[Anonymous]

There was just a study on why the big spike and move of divorces to the kids college years and the number one reason was the terrible 50/50 Co-parenting states. Fearing for the kids safety, health and wellbeing resulted in later year divorces not during pk-12 due to lack of faith in one parents ability to parent well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's a good dad, as hard as it is to let go of what you've already worked so hard to set for your kids, let go. And let him fail. If he's an asshole, I'd say fight it. But if he's trying to make this work for their sake, and you feel like a 50/50 relationship can work, make it work, for their sake.

What does “is a good dad” mean in court? Does a few minutes of fun kid horseplay after work? [Same thing as "a good mom" - it means "not a convicted criminal or drug addict." ]

What happens to those dads with untreated ADHD? Chronically forget things, don’t listen to anyone (kids trying to talk to him), cannot plan, absentminded and never in the present, cannot keep places clean or maintained, and then he worst: don’t see dangerous situations (kid taken out by surf wave), kid hit by car almost twice, windy doors slamming on kids fingers), etc.
Do they get 50/50? Or holidays with kids themselves? Seems like a real liability.

Do these men have jobs? If they can hold down a job, they can do all the parenting things. If not, how the heck did they end up married and with kids?

Usually their workaholic nature, backwards priorities and zero involvement running the household, kids and life are the reason for the failed marriage.
Court systems are at the end of their run using base case of 50/50, and the more complaints and modifications they get inundated with, as well as social worker cases, the more it will change again.

You must really hate men. Many men are great parents and could be a single dad no issue. Women like to over value themselves. If something happened to me, there is no question my husband could do it all. He may do it differently but it would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was just a study on why the big spike and move of divorces to the kids college years and the number one reason was the terrible 50/50 Co-parenting states. Fearing for the kids safety, health and wellbeing resulted in later year divorces not during pk-12 due to lack of faith in one parents ability to parent well.

Many men lose their kids in divorce so it makes sense to stay till college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was just a study on why the big spike and move of divorces to the kids college years and the number one reason was the terrible 50/50 Co-parenting states. Fearing for the kids safety, health and wellbeing resulted in later year divorces not during pk-12 due to lack of faith in one parents ability to parent well.

Many men lose their kids in divorce so it makes sense to stay till college.

Huh? I thought you just said “many men” parent just fine. So then 50/50 wouldn’t be so dysfunctional, or hard on the kids, or dump on the responsible parent.

[Anonymous]

Father here. I would be fine with 100% custody, parenting my kid is a pleasure and it's much calmer without my STBX around to disagree with everything. I'm sure she would diagnose me with ADHD/Autism/etc. just like so many women posters here though.

[Anonymous]

My parents had 50/50 custody of me. No child support or alimony. My mom never bailed out my dad. My dad turned out to be a way better parent after the divorce. He turned out to be the more stable parent of the two of them. He refused to re-marry until I was in college as he, himself. had a terrible step-mom. So, he stepped up and did everything.

OP, I wouldn't want to lose time with my babies either. I get it. But your ex could be good at this. See how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have a good but not perfect marriage but both of us said we would not be happy with only 50% custody. DH then jokingly quipped, “I guess we are stuck with each other then.” I’m sorry for you, OP, but while your husband has never done much of the heavy lifting, I’m sure he loves his kids very much and wants to be with them as much as you do.

My husband and I have had almost this exact conversation. I’m sorry OP. 50% custody would be devastating to me, but as would it be to my husband. I can’t imagine my husband settling for anything LESS than 50%!

[Anonymous]

OP I know this is raw right now but be happy your ex WANTS 50/50 and knows what he has to do to make that work. You want your kids to have great relationships with both of you. It's going to be awful not seeing your children 100% of the time, but you'll survive. Be supportive of your ex. The better you two work together the better this ends for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I know this is raw right now but be happy your ex WANTS 50/50 and knows what he has to do to make that work. You want your kids to have great relationships with both of you. It's going to be awful not seeing your children 100% of the time, but you'll survive. Be supportive of your ex. The better you two work together the better this ends for everyone.

+1. You’lol be grateful for a cooperative relationship down the line.

[Anonymous]

Right now I’ve been in a busy stretch at work and DH’s work is more flexible. He also drives to work while I take transit, so if he ended up some say trying to get custody by saying he takes the kids to the doctor the counterargument would be because we agreed on that. We discuss appointments and figure out whose available. When your stbx needs to step up, I suspect he will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's a good dad, as hard as it is to let go of what you've already worked so hard to set for your kids, let go. And let him fail. If he's an asshole, I'd say fight it. But if he's trying to make this work for their sake, and you feel like a 50/50 relationship can work, make it work, for their sake.

What does “is a good dad” mean in court? Does a few minutes of fun kid horseplay after work? [Same thing as "a good mom" - it means "not a convicted criminal or drug addict." ]

What happens to those dads with untreated ADHD? Chronically forget things, don’t listen to anyone (kids trying to talk to him), cannot plan, absentminded and never in the present, cannot keep places clean or maintained, and then he worst: don’t see dangerous situations (kid taken out by surf wave), kid hit by car almost twice, windy doors slamming on kids fingers), etc.
Do they get 50/50? Or holidays with kids themselves? Seems like a real liability.

Do these men have jobs? If they can hold down a job, they can do all the parenting things. If not, how the heck did they end up married and with kids?

Usually their workaholic nature, backwards priorities and zero involvement running the household, kids and life are the reason for the failed marriage.
Court systems are at the end of their run using base case of 50/50, and the more complaints and modifications they get inundated with, as well as social worker cases, the more it will change again.

You must really hate men. Many men are great parents and could be a single dad no issue. Women like to over value themselves. If something happened to me, there is no question my husband could do it all. He may do it differently but it would be fine.

You’re right. But those men stay married, so no need for them (or their wives) to single parent.