My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

New poster here.

OP, I was in a similar situation with 2 kids. Breadwinner + primary parent. While EVERY experience is different, once we went 50-50, my ex handled his share for the most part. I think a large part of it during our relationship was that despite my communicating my desire to have it be different, as long as I was there to handle it, I did. Very similar to your division of labor it sounds like. Once I was no longer there to do pick up, baths, reading, homework, sitting with them while they fell asleep, packing food, prepping coffee, and on and on, he did it instead on his nights.

What is critical though, is that the kids get equal access and opportunity to spend time with their dad. They absolutely treasure and value that time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

This doesn't alter the fact that if he wants 50/50, he's going to get it. And also, extrapolating from "I met this one mom the other day who said this" to "most men are like that" is utterly moronic.

I don’t know of one man who has 50-50. Doesn’t happen in my neck of the woods.

This is why I don’t live around Trump supporters.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a now-high schooler whom I have 50% custody of. His dad has the other 50%. This has been the case since he was two and a half.

I'm not going to sugar coat this. It's hard as hell and has been incredibly heartbreaking at times.

It was still better for everyone than staying in a terrible marriage.

And, honestly, my ex stepped up. He floundered sometimes. So did I. But it forced us both to be on the ball in the parenting arena. We are better parents to our kid in separate households than we were together. It also modeled that moms fix things when they break and dads do housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would behoove you to accept and “agree” to this so your case does not unnecessarily get dragged out. It is not really up to you to decide for him what he can and cannot do. He will likely wind up getting 50/50 anyway if he wants it and your case goes to trial. All you would be doing by not accepting this is causing unnecessary tension and hostility, which will damage an effective co-parentint relationship.

That’s exactly why I’m leaning toward agreeing to this. He may have been a crappy husband, but he’s a good dad. And if we go to court, yes, I can subpoena all the records from every doctors visit for the last 10 years showing that I went to 99% of the visits and he went to 5% of the visits... but I’ll spend $50K to potentially have a judge still award 50/50 and by then we REALLY hate each other and we only live a few blocks apart....

OP, I'm the PP with a high schooler again. Honestly, the more you two can agree to outside of a courtroom, the better. If the judge decides, nobody will be happy. If you haven't already considered this, think about entering third party mediation to hammer out a parenting agreement that you can just hand to the judge.

[Anonymous]

Trying to split your kids in half is so wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a hard time coming to terms with 50/50 custody for my 3 kids. I have always been the primary parent, handling most of the household and child rearing logistics. I work full time from home so I do the morning routine, pick up from school when someone is sick, take care of medical appointments, run carpools, do the shopping, volunteer at school, etc. A few years ago I asked my spouse to pick up some of these things and he picked up a few things but still left most to me. It was a source of tension in our relationship that not only did I do most of the domestic work but I also earned most of the income.

Now that we’re divorcing he says he wants 50% custody and that he will be available for things like picking up from school if someone is sick. He says he will make and keep medical appointments. He says he’ll adjust his work hours to go in later so he can make breakfast and pack lunches. He says he’ll leave work early to run carpool. He’s committed to buying or renting a house in our direct neighborhood so that we can share a nanny (the one we have right now). Honestly, I have no idea how he will do this- I think that he will be very surprised by how much goes into the mental gymnastics of raising kids. But, I give him props for trying. This is more than I expected from him. He’s a good dad. My intention was never to keep him away from his kids or the kids away from him... only to ensure that the kids have a stable, consistent home life, especially during the school week.

My brain is saying this might work. I told him will keep track of all the heavy lifting items and if it is falling more to me then we go back for a modification. He agreed. But my heart is saying no. These are my babies that I’ve always given everything to and I need to keep doing that. How do I get there? How do I get to okay?

How old are your three children?
How exactly is he proposing the 50/50 would work out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to split your kids in half is so wrong.

It is much worse to reduce one parent to an occasional visitor in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

I am the first PP.
Nobody is restricting access; my ex doesn’t want much. He hasn’t been to a single dr appt or even a haircut place! He has been at school maybe once. His decision making is limited to randomly spiting me or staying out of it altogether. Why would I want him to have legal custody?
He has cancelled about 3 visits in a row just this past couple weeks. Tells me he is lazy to drive here. He works from home and I WOH; I can’t deliver the kid to him.
Why should he have any custody, I am asking?
Now, he could prob start saying how he is going 50-50; but would he be able to live up to his word? Maybe, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

I am the first PP.
Nobody is restricting access; my ex doesn’t want much. He hasn’t been to a single dr appt or even a haircut place! He has been at school maybe once. His decision making is limited to randomly spiting me or staying out of it altogether. Why would I want him to have legal custody?
He has cancelled about 3 visits in a row just this past couple weeks. Tells me he is lazy to drive here. He works from home and I WOH; I can’t deliver the kid to him.
Why should he have any custody, I am asking?
Now, he could prob start saying how he is going 50-50; but would he be able to live up to his word? Maybe, maybe not.

You sound pretty nasty. No wonder you are getting a divorce. This is about your kids, not you and him. Maybe if you are an hour away and he only gets an hour with the kids, it really isn't worth it. Or, you are so nasty at pick up or have said stuff to the kids that he just doesn't want to deal with it/you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

I am the first PP.
Nobody is restricting access; my ex doesn’t want much. He hasn’t been to a single dr appt or even a haircut place! He has been at school maybe once. His decision making is limited to randomly spiting me or staying out of it altogether. Why would I want him to have legal custody?
He has cancelled about 3 visits in a row just this past couple weeks. Tells me he is lazy to drive here. He works from home and I WOH; I can’t deliver the kid to him.
Why should he have any custody, I am asking?
Now, he could prob start saying how he is going 50-50; but would he be able to live up to his word? Maybe, maybe not.

You sound pretty nasty. No wonder you are getting a divorce. This is about your kids, not you and him. Maybe if you are an hour away and he only gets an hour with the kids, it really isn't worth it. Or, you are so nasty at pick up or have said stuff to the kids that he just doesn't want to deal with it/you.

Wait is it about the kids not the exes, or is it totally understandable the ex would forgo precious time with the kids because it’s not “worth it”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here.

OP, I was in a similar situation with 2 kids. Breadwinner + primary parent. While EVERY experience is different, once we went 50-50, my ex handled his share for the most part. I think a large part of it during our relationship was that despite my communicating my desire to have it be different, as long as I was there to handle it, I did. Very similar to your division of labor it sounds like. Once I was no longer there to do pick up, baths, reading, homework, sitting with them while they fell asleep, packing food, prepping coffee, and on and on, he did it instead on his nights.

What is critical though, is that the kids get equal access and opportunity to spend time with their dad. They absolutely treasure and value that time with him.

Does this make you angry? Do you think you could have kept your marriage if he had stepped up before you divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

I am the first PP.
Nobody is restricting access; my ex doesn’t want much. He hasn’t been to a single dr appt or even a haircut place! He has been at school maybe once. His decision making is limited to randomly spiting me or staying out of it altogether. Why would I want him to have legal custody?
He has cancelled about 3 visits in a row just this past couple weeks. Tells me he is lazy to drive here. He works from home and I WOH; I can’t deliver the kid to him.
Why should he have any custody, I am asking?
Now, he could prob start saying how he is going 50-50; but would he be able to live up to his word? Maybe, maybe not.

You sound pretty nasty. No wonder you are getting a divorce. This is about your kids, not you and him. Maybe if you are an hour away and he only gets an hour with the kids, it really isn't worth it. Or, you are so nasty at pick up or have said stuff to the kids that he just doesn't want to deal with it/you.

Haha this is ridiculous.
I am HAPPY I don’t have to deal with the stbx crap!
Also, it’s he who decided to move an hour away.
And no I am not nasty.
Look, I have spent years thinking I wasn’t (insert adjective) enough for him. Well guess what. Some men can’t or won’t parent. Not my fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

I am the first PP.
Nobody is restricting access; my ex doesn’t want much. He hasn’t been to a single dr appt or even a haircut place! He has been at school maybe once. His decision making is limited to randomly spiting me or staying out of it altogether. Why would I want him to have legal custody?
He has cancelled about 3 visits in a row just this past couple weeks. Tells me he is lazy to drive here. He works from home and I WOH; I can’t deliver the kid to him.
Why should he have any custody, I am asking?
Now, he could prob start saying how he is going 50-50; but would he be able to live up to his word? Maybe, maybe not.

You sound pretty nasty. No wonder you are getting a divorce. This is about your kids, not you and him. Maybe if you are an hour away and he only gets an hour with the kids, it really isn't worth it. Or, you are so nasty at pick up or have said stuff to the kids that he just doesn't want to deal with it/you.

He is lazy and can't be bothered, but she is the nasty one?

You are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I so get it!
I think you have two ways. If he is not really in a position to contest, you should try and get the custody that is roughly equal to what you did when married. I just don’t know if he is the kind of person to raise a stink if you disagree with his absurd ideas. Maybe if you go to court asking for 80/20 and having good arguments as to why, you will get it and he won’t contest it. Or maybe he will get spitting mad and try to make your life hard and take it out on the kids and whatnot.
The second option would be to agree to paying him as if he had 50, but giving him like 10 physical (just so that you have some free weekends) and zero legal. Essentially buying him out of custody.
I am facing a somewhat similar dilemma myself (stbx earns more but doesn’t want to pay up and I don’t want him to have any legal custody- not worried about physical as he will just drop the ball I am sure). So I am thinking whether I should go for the bird in hand or 2 in the bush.

10 physical and zero legal? For $450 a month? First of all, no way is that happening in a 2018 court. Second of all, You people are literally insane and you're BAD parents. You would separate your kids from their other parent 90% of the time and give the other parent ZERO say over their physical care, education, health, etc. just because you feel like you deserve all of it? I don't care how great a mom you think you are, doing that to your kids when they have a biological need to have a relationship with their other parent makes you a S H I T T Y person. These aren't deadbeat dads who haven't been around in a decade and you're finally just making the reality legal. These are just dudes getting a divorce who still want to be a parent to their kids and maybe even be a better parent since their time with their kids now won't come with the other parent breathing down their neck or insisting on doing it all their way.

Y'all need to realize trying to usurp all the custody, legal and physical, hurts your KIDS.

You live in some sort of weird la-la land. Most men don't want to do the hard work of parenting. It's why most marriages break up.

I went walking with another mom the other day; first time I'd met her, and she was telling me about her custody agreement. Son is with his dad every other weekend and one night a week. Used to be more, at the beginning. Then he started dating, then got married -- and had 3 more kids. Then decided he needed to move, so gee, being with his oldest just wasn't so doable anymore.

That's just how most men are.

I am the first PP.
Nobody is restricting access; my ex doesn’t want much. He hasn’t been to a single dr appt or even a haircut place! He has been at school maybe once. His decision making is limited to randomly spiting me or staying out of it altogether. Why would I want him to have legal custody?
He has cancelled about 3 visits in a row just this past couple weeks. Tells me he is lazy to drive here. He works from home and I WOH; I can’t deliver the kid to him.
Why should he have any custody, I am asking?
Now, he could prob start saying how he is going 50-50; but would he be able to live up to his word? Maybe, maybe not.

You sound pretty nasty. No wonder you are getting a divorce. This is about your kids, not you and him. Maybe if you are an hour away and he only gets an hour with the kids, it really isn't worth it. Or, you are so nasty at pick up or have said stuff to the kids that he just doesn't want to deal with it/you.

He is lazy and can't be bothered, but she is the nasty one?

You are nuts.

You are nuts if you believe her version of events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here.

OP, I was in a similar situation with 2 kids. Breadwinner + primary parent. While EVERY experience is different, once we went 50-50, my ex handled his share for the most part. I think a large part of it during our relationship was that despite my communicating my desire to have it be different, as long as I was there to handle it, I did. Very similar to your division of labor it sounds like. Once I was no longer there to do pick up, baths, reading, homework, sitting with them while they fell asleep, packing food, prepping coffee, and on and on, he did it instead on his nights.

What is critical though, is that the kids get equal access and opportunity to spend time with their dad. They absolutely treasure and value that time with him.

Does this make you angry? Do you think you could have kept your marriage if he had stepped up before you divorced?

To answer your question, not really because I did not want a divorce. Personally, I would never divorce absent physical abuse. I largely viewed that stuff as my sacrifice for the good of the family even though I occasionally communicated what I wanted him to pitch in on. I did everything I could to save the marriage once he blindsided me with wanting out, including more time together, counseling, stepping up even more at home, etc.

Despite not wanting a divorce and the circumstances (his affair, etc.), I put my children first. I set aside all anger, resentment, and other negative feelings at this complete unwanted life change to forge a genuine friendship-space with xDH. It was extremely important to me to put the kids first, which meant equal access to him, family time together with the four of us still on weekends (e.g., to fall festivals or whatever), and NO TENSION while we were all together. Obviously it's difficult, but divorce is going to be hard on the kids for the rest of their life. The least I could do was make it as easy on them as possible through my actions.