My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

I am having a hard time coming to terms with 50/50 custody for my 3 kids. I have always been the primary parent, handling most of the household and child rearing logistics. I work full time from home so I do the morning routine, pick up from school when someone is sick, take care of medical appointments, run carpools, do the shopping, volunteer at school, etc. A few years ago I asked my spouse to pick up some of these things and he picked up a few things but still left most to me. It was a source of tension in our relationship that not only did I do most of the domestic work but I also earned most of the income.

Now that we’re divorcing he says he wants 50% custody and that he will be available for things like picking up from school if someone is sick. He says he will make and keep medical appointments. He says he’ll adjust his work hours to go in later so he can make breakfast and pack lunches. He says he’ll leave work early to run carpool. He’s committed to buying or renting a house in our direct neighborhood so that we can share a nanny (the one we have right now). Honestly, I have no idea how he will do this- I think that he will be very surprised by how much goes into the mental gymnastics of raising kids. But, I give him props for trying. This is more than I expected from him. He’s a good dad. My intention was never to keep him away from his kids or the kids away from him... only to ensure that the kids have a stable, consistent home life, especially during the school week.

My brain is saying this might work. I told him will keep track of all the heavy lifting items and if it is falling more to me then we go back for a modification. He agreed. But my heart is saying no. These are my babies that I’ve always given everything to and I need to keep doing that. How do I get there? How do I get to okay?

[Anonymous]

He'll figure it out. You need to give him a chance as kids need an equal relationship with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Just let him fail and slowly move to more custody for youself
He isn't going to change who he is and actually start doing the work.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a good but not perfect marriage but both of us said we would not be happy with only 50% custody. DH then jokingly quipped, “I guess we are stuck with each other then.” I’m sorry for you, OP, but while your husband has never done much of the heavy lifting, I’m sure he loves his kids very much and wants to be with them as much as you do.

[Anonymous]

What is his reason for wanting 50-50?
I would struggle with this too personally ( not divorced)
I have a male friend who doesnt have 50-50 but get his kids from school on Thursdays and has them thru every other weekend and takes them back to school Monday. he also gets to go to ALL of their sporting events even if not on a weekend or during his official time.
So his Wife is still primary but he has them a lot more than every other weekend. Would your ex want to do something like that.
I feel like 50-50 came about because every other weekend is not a lot for a hands on dad

[Anonymous]

It would behoove you to accept and “agree” to this so your case does not unnecessarily get dragged out. It is not really up to you to decide for him what he can and cannot do. He will likely wind up getting 50/50 anyway if he wants it and your case goes to trial. All you would be doing by not accepting this is causing unnecessary tension and hostility, which will damage an effective co-parentint relationship.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP.

I have thought about 50/50 custody with my kids during some dark moments in my marriage and it makes me sick to my stomach. But that's the deal when you get a divorce. Your soon to be ex DH certainly deserves a chance to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He'll figure it out. You need to give him a chance as kids need an equal relationship with their dad.

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

A few years ago I asked my spouse to pick up some of these things and he picked up a few things but still left most to me.

"My husband failed to run an errand to my satisfaction one time" does not equal "my husband is incapable of caring for children and should not get 50/50".

Another thing for your head to think about is that unless he constitutes a direct, serious threat to the well-being of the children - and he doesn't - then he will get 50/50 if he wants it. There is no point in having an expensive court fight to deny him 50/50 because you are highly unlikely to achieve this outcome. (Furthermore this will certainly poison your relationship and make future co-parenting much more difficult.)

[Anonymous]

If he's a good dad, as hard as it is to let go of what you've already worked so hard to set for your kids, let go. And let him fail. If he's an asshole, I'd say fight it. But if he's trying to make this work for their sake, and you feel like a 50/50 relationship can work, make it work, for their sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would behoove you to accept and “agree” to this so your case does not unnecessarily get dragged out. It is not really up to you to decide for him what he can and cannot do. He will likely wind up getting 50/50 anyway if he wants it and your case goes to trial. All you would be doing by not accepting this is causing unnecessary tension and hostility, which will damage an effective co-parentint relationship.

That’s exactly why I’m leaning toward agreeing to this. He may have been a crappy husband, but he’s a good dad. And if we go to court, yes, I can subpoena all the records from every doctors visit for the last 10 years showing that I went to 99% of the visits and he went to 5% of the visits... but I’ll spend $50K to potentially have a judge still award 50/50 and by then we REALLY hate each other and we only live a few blocks apart....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let him fail and slowly move to more custody for youself
He isn't going to change who he is and actually start doing the work.

Most guys who have never done much kid stuff don’t actually believe that it’s a lot of work. Sure, they pay lip service to it but internally they’re rolling their eyes thinking that it’s super easy.

In your shoes I would stipulate that you agree to 50/50 as long as you have a fixed date to review and modify custody if it’s not working out. Maybe 2-6 months? It’s much easier if he agrees upfront. Document everything. If he’s not doing 50% of doctors/dentists/carpools/etc ask for an appropriate modification. You’ll have a much stronger case and you will look really reasonable if you say “Look, I agreed to 50/50 but he’s asking me to cover for him several times a week- let’s change custody to reflect our reality.”

[Anonymous]

I also think you need to reframe your idea of “tracking” the heavy lifting items and if you are doing more, going back to court for a modification. You will quickly find that is not an idea rooted in reality - it is expensive, first of all, and no one is going to care that he didn’t do something to your exact 50% specifications. It sounds like you can do more (volunteer, etc) because you work from home and choose to do these things. He needs to figure it out, yes, but don’t make this purposely hard for him by framing it by YOUR standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A few years ago I asked my spouse to pick up some of these things and he picked up a few things but still left most to me.

"My husband failed to run an errand to my satisfaction one time" does not equal "my husband is incapable of caring for children and should not get 50/50".

That’s not what I said. I asked him, “Hey, I do ALL of the medical appointments for all of our kids- pediatrician, dentist, dermatologist, allergist, urgent care, ENT, can you please help me here and take some of this off my plate?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would behoove you to accept and “agree” to this so your case does not unnecessarily get dragged out. It is not really up to you to decide for him what he can and cannot do. He will likely wind up getting 50/50 anyway if he wants it and your case goes to trial. All you would be doing by not accepting this is causing unnecessary tension and hostility, which will damage an effective co-parentint relationship.

That’s exactly why I’m leaning toward agreeing to this. He may have been a crappy husband, but he’s a good dad. And if we go to court, yes, I can subpoena all the records from every doctors visit for the last 10 years showing that I went to 99% of the visits and he went to 5% of the visits... but I’ll spend $50K to potentially have a judge still award 50/50 and by then we REALLY hate each other and we only live a few blocks apart....

Just because you went to 99% of the doctor's visits when you were married does not mean a judge would believe that your STBXH is incapabable of attending appointments once you're divorced. I agree with the other PPs--go with 50/50 and see how it turns out. Things may go differently when the kids are with their dad than with you, but unless they're abused or neglected 50/50 isn't likely to change. And "he forgot about soccer practice" or "he had the kid wait a day and drink some tea instead of rushing him to the doctor for a sore throat" are not abuse or neglect.