My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to split your kids in half is so wrong.

It is much worse to reduce one parent to an occasional visitor in their lives.

Depends on the kid. I see families where the children’s school and social lives suffer because one parent prioritizes fun or convenience on their nights over honoring the children’s needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here.

OP, I was in a similar situation with 2 kids. Breadwinner + primary parent. While EVERY experience is different, once we went 50-50, my ex handled his share for the most part. I think a large part of it during our relationship was that despite my communicating my desire to have it be different, as long as I was there to handle it, I did. Very similar to your division of labor it sounds like. Once I was no longer there to do pick up, baths, reading, homework, sitting with them while they fell asleep, packing food, prepping coffee, and on and on, he did it instead on his nights.

What is critical though, is that the kids get equal access and opportunity to spend time with their dad. They absolutely treasure and value that time with him.

Does this make you angry? Do you think you could have kept your marriage if he had stepped up before you divorced?

To answer your question, not really because I did not want a divorce. Personally, I would never divorce absent physical abuse. I largely viewed that stuff as my sacrifice for the good of the family even though I occasionally communicated what I wanted him to pitch in on. I did everything I could to save the marriage once he blindsided me with wanting out, including more time together, counseling, stepping up even more at home, etc.

Despite not wanting a divorce and the circumstances (his affair, etc.), I put my children first. I set aside all anger, resentment, and other negative feelings at this complete unwanted life change to forge a genuine friendship-space with xDH. It was extremely important to me to put the kids first, which meant equal access to him, family time together with the four of us still on weekends (e.g., to fall festivals or whatever), and NO TENSION while we were all together. Obviously it's difficult, but divorce is going to be hard on the kids for the rest of their life. The least I could do was make it as easy on them as possible through my actions.

Wow, you sound like a really good person. A post like yours really stands out in all the spite, vindictiveness negativity on DCUM. Your ex lost a lot by leaving you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's great he wants to step up finally but I agree he'll be quickly remarried. Any chance of reconciliation? If not you're losing 50% of your kids' time to some random chick.

This is why I stay married. The only reason. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here.

OP, I was in a similar situation with 2 kids. Breadwinner + primary parent. While EVERY experience is different, once we went 50-50, my ex handled his share for the most part. I think a large part of it during our relationship was that despite my communicating my desire to have it be different, as long as I was there to handle it, I did. Very similar to your division of labor it sounds like. Once I was no longer there to do pick up, baths, reading, homework, sitting with them while they fell asleep, packing food, prepping coffee, and on and on, he did it instead on his nights.

What is critical though, is that the kids get equal access and opportunity to spend time with their dad. They absolutely treasure and value that time with him.

Does this make you angry? Do you think you could have kept your marriage if he had stepped up before you divorced?

To answer your question, not really because I did not want a divorce. Personally, I would never divorce absent physical abuse. I largely viewed that stuff as my sacrifice for the good of the family even though I occasionally communicated what I wanted him to pitch in on. I did everything I could to save the marriage once he blindsided me with wanting out, including more time together, counseling, stepping up even more at home, etc.

Despite not wanting a divorce and the circumstances (his affair, etc.), I put my children first. I set aside all anger, resentment, and other negative feelings at this complete unwanted life change to forge a genuine friendship-space with xDH. It was extremely important to me to put the kids first, which meant equal access to him, family time together with the four of us still on weekends (e.g., to fall festivals or whatever), and NO TENSION while we were all together. Obviously it's difficult, but divorce is going to be hard on the kids for the rest of their life. The least I could do was make it as easy on them as possible through my actions.

Give him 3 weekends a month Thursday to Sunday night... may damper his dating and AP but hey, that's what she signed up for dating a married man. That way you can heal and eventually find someone who will love you and put you first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's great he wants to step up finally but I agree he'll be quickly remarried. Any chance of reconciliation? If not you're losing 50% of your kids' time to some random chick.

This is why I stay married. The only reason. ?

I'm surprised how many women I know that did the same thing. Some ended up staying married after the kids were grown because of finances and retirement. Not to mention the family dynamics of their kids, and grand-kids being able to visit the parents in one home minus unwanted steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He'll figure it out. You need to give him a chance as kids need an equal relationship with their dad.

this is the bottom line. Your kids will benefit from a joint physical custody arrangement provided your ex is not incompetent.

[Anonymous]

My XH wanted ZERO custody of our three kids (now teenagers). I have sole physical and joint legal. He sees them every other week for dinner, and every other Saturday afternoon to hang out. My oldest, now 19, has now cut off all contact with him.

While 50/50 would've been heart wrenching for me, it would've been a million times better for my kids. I would've done it without question, but he was adamant. He pays the bare minimum in CS, forgets their birthdays, and his family has dropped out of their lives. It's been devastating for them. They are in therapy, and they are great kids, but what an awful thing. I was always the primary parent, and he was a lousy husband but a fun dad. Bottom line is he doesn't want the responsibility of a family or kids. So to all you divorced parents out there who are sharing custody and doing right by your kids, kudos to you. I know it's hard, but watching your kids' be abandoned by their dad is much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’ll figure it out. The only reason he wasn’t doing it before is because you were.

Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Only time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here.

OP, I was in a similar situation with 2 kids. Breadwinner + primary parent. While EVERY experience is different, once we went 50-50, my ex handled his share for the most part. I think a large part of it during our relationship was that despite my communicating my desire to have it be different, as long as I was there to handle it, I did. Very similar to your division of labor it sounds like. Once I was no longer there to do pick up, baths, reading, homework, sitting with them while they fell asleep, packing food, prepping coffee, and on and on, he did it instead on his nights.

What is critical though, is that the kids get equal access and opportunity to spend time with their dad. They absolutely treasure and value that time with him.

Does this make you angry? Do you think you could have kept your marriage if he had stepped up before you divorced?

To answer your question, not really because I did not want a divorce. Personally, I would never divorce absent physical abuse. I largely viewed that stuff as my sacrifice for the good of the family even though I occasionally communicated what I wanted him to pitch in on. I did everything I could to save the marriage once he blindsided me with wanting out, including more time together, counseling, stepping up even more at home, etc.

Despite not wanting a divorce and the circumstances (his affair, etc.), I put my children first. I set aside all anger, resentment, and other negative feelings at this complete unwanted life change to forge a genuine friendship-space with xDH. It was extremely important to me to put the kids first, which meant equal access to him, family time together with the four of us still on weekends (e.g., to fall festivals or whatever), and NO TENSION while we were all together. Obviously it's difficult, but divorce is going to be hard on the kids for the rest of their life. The least I could do was make it as easy on them as possible through my actions.

Wow, you sound like a really good person. A post like yours really stands out in all the spite, vindictiveness negativity on DCUM. Your ex lost a lot by leaving you

I agree. I hope you have found someone to treat you as you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My XH wanted ZERO custody of our three kids (now teenagers). I have sole physical and joint legal. He sees them every other week for dinner, and every other Saturday afternoon to hang out. My oldest, now 19, has now cut off all contact with him.

While 50/50 would've been heart wrenching for me, it would've been a million times better for my kids. I would've done it without question, but he was adamant. He pays the bare minimum in CS, forgets their birthdays, and his family has dropped out of their lives. It's been devastating for them. They are in therapy, and they are great kids, but what an awful thing. I was always the primary parent, and he was a lousy husband but a fun dad. Bottom line is he doesn't want the responsibility of a family or kids. So to all you divorced parents out there who are sharing custody and doing right by your kids, kudos to you. I know it's hard, but watching your kids' be abandoned by their dad is much, much worse.

Oof. This does sound devastating. I'm glad they have you.

[Anonymous]

I share 50/50 custody with my ex. They are 15 and 17. It works for us because we live close, the 17 year old drives and we are friendly. We take the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's a good dad, as hard as it is to let go of what you've already worked so hard to set for your kids, let go. And let him fail. If he's an asshole, I'd say fight it. But if he's trying to make this work for their sake, and you feel like a 50/50 relationship can work, make it work, for their sake.

What does “is a good dad” mean in court? Does a few minutes of fun kid horseplay after work?

What happens to those dads with untreated ADHD? Chronically forget things, don’t listen to anyone (kids trying to talk to him), cannot plan, absentminded and never in the present, cannot keep places clean or maintained, and then he worst: don’t see dangerous situations (kid taken out by surf wave), kid hit by car almost twice, windy doors slamming on kids fingers), etc.
Do they get 50/50? Or holidays with kids themselves? Seems like a real liability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’ll figure it out. The only reason he wasn’t doing it before is because you were.

Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Only time will tell.

What a slap in the face.
Only starts parenting once there isn’t another adult around.

You know what that means. His mother will move next door to raise the kids until he marries a young twit who will SAH and mother him and your kids. Plus one or two more.
Your spouse won’t really change. He wants someone to take care of him, the house, the kids, the schedule, the responsibilities. And leave him alone to do office work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a hard time coming to terms with 50/50 custody for my 3 kids. I have always been the primary parent, handling most of the household and child rearing logistics. I work full time from home so I do the morning routine, pick up from school when someone is sick, take care of medical appointments, run carpools, do the shopping, volunteer at school, etc. A few years ago I asked my spouse to pick up some of these things and he picked up a few things but still left most to me. It was a source of tension in our relationship that not only did I do most of the domestic work but I also earned most of the income.

Now that we’re divorcing he says he wants 50% custody and that he will be available for things like picking up from school if someone is sick. He says he will make and keep medical appointments. He says he’ll adjust his work hours to go in later so he can make breakfast and pack lunches. He says he’ll leave work early to run carpool. He’s committed to buying or renting a house in our direct neighborhood so that we can share a nanny (the one we have right now). Honestly, I have no idea how he will do this- I think that he will be very surprised by how much goes into the mental gymnastics of raising kids. But, I give him props for trying. This is more than I expected from him. He’s a good dad. My intention was never to keep him away from his kids or the kids away from him... only to ensure that the kids have a stable, consistent home life, especially during the school week.

My brain is saying this might work. I told him will keep track of all the heavy lifting items and if it is falling more to me then we go back for a modification. He agreed. But my heart is saying no. These are my babies that I’ve always given everything to and I need to keep doing that. How do I get there? How do I get to okay?

How old are your three children?
How exactly is he proposing the 50/50 would work out?

He’ll outsource the child watching stuff and cleaning stuff. Until he remarries someone submissive and adoring of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's a good dad, as hard as it is to let go of what you've already worked so hard to set for your kids, let go. And let him fail. If he's an asshole, I'd say fight it. But if he's trying to make this work for their sake, and you feel like a 50/50 relationship can work, make it work, for their sake.

What does “is a good dad” mean in court? Does a few minutes of fun kid horseplay after work? [Same thing as "a good mom" - it means "not a convicted criminal or drug addict." ]

What happens to those dads with untreated ADHD? Chronically forget things, don’t listen to anyone (kids trying to talk to him), cannot plan, absentminded and never in the present, cannot keep places clean or maintained, and then he worst: don’t see dangerous situations (kid taken out by surf wave), kid hit by car almost twice, windy doors slamming on kids fingers), etc.
Do they get 50/50? Or holidays with kids themselves? Seems like a real liability.

Do these men have jobs? If they can hold down a job, they can do all the parenting things. If not, how the heck did they end up married and with kids?