My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

I coparent with my ex. We live in the same school district and it makes life a lot easier. She can walk to my house, or take the bus to her father’s place. If we need to change up a day because one of us is working late, it’s no problem. Close proximity makes things so much easier!

50/50 is alright. Let him have the chance to be there for his kids. Their relationship can benefit. If you guys figure out it isn’t workable, change it later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was just a study on why the big spike and move of divorces to the kids college years and the number one reason was the terrible 50/50 Co-parenting states. Fearing for the kids safety, health and wellbeing resulted in later year divorces not during pk-12 due to lack of faith in one parents ability to parent well.

Since for whatever reason you chose to dig up this thread that's coming up on its one year anniversary, do you have an update for us, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Father here. I would be fine with 100% custody, parenting my kid is a pleasure and it's much calmer without my STBX around to disagree with everything. I'm sure she would diagnose me with ADHD/Autism/etc. just like so many women posters here though.

Yikes. Have you been evaluated or sought help?

[Anonymous]

Mama, first off kudos to the years of hard work!

Secondly, he has made a lot of promises... let him keep them.

Your biggest struggle will be to not jump in and save him. Let him be your ex...

Take the extra free time to relax, go for a walk, and reclaim your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Father here. I would be fine with 100% custody, parenting my kid is a pleasure and it's much calmer without my STBX around to disagree with everything. I'm sure she would diagnose me with ADHD/Autism/etc. just like so many women posters here though.

Yikes. Have you been evaluated or sought help?

Seriously... every post a woman does is diagnosing the father and finding abuse, even if there is none and assuming a Dad is less capable. You need to be evaluated if you cannot see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would behoove you to accept and “agree” to this so your case does not unnecessarily get dragged out. It is not really up to you to decide for him what he can and cannot do. He will likely wind up getting 50/50 anyway if he wants it and your case goes to trial. All you would be doing by not accepting this is causing unnecessary tension and hostility, which will damage an effective co-parentint relationship.

That’s exactly why I’m leaning toward agreeing to this. He may have been a crappy husband, but he’s a good dad. And if we go to court, yes, I can subpoena all the records from every doctors visit for the last 10 years showing that I went to 99% of the visits and he went to 5% of the visits... but I’ll spend $50K to potentially have a judge still award 50/50 and by then we REALLY hate each other and we only live a few blocks apart....

It is not true that judges always give 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let him fail and slowly move to more custody for youself
He isn't going to change who he is and actually start doing the work.

Most guys who have never done much kid stuff don’t actually believe that it’s a lot of work. Sure, they pay lip service to it but internally they’re rolling their eyes thinking that it’s super easy.

In your shoes I would stipulate that you agree to 50/50 as long as you have a fixed date to review and modify custody if it’s not working out. Maybe 2-6 months? It’s much easier if he agrees upfront. Document everything. If he’s not doing 50% of doctors/dentists/carpools/etc ask for an appropriate modification. You’ll have a much stronger case and you will look really reasonable if you say “Look, I agreed to 50/50 but he’s asking me to cover for him several times a week- let’s change custody to reflect our reality.”

A 6 month review is better. There can be lots of excuses for dropping the ball in 2 months but it’s a clear pattern after 6 months. Also be sure to include right of first refusal in your agreement - if he can’t take them somewhere, he has to ask you before getting a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

I think if men don't get shared custody, they should just terminate his rights. If mom wants to be a single parent, let her do it 100% alone - physically and financially.