MIL gossiped about me with my little sister

[Anonymous]

Update here:

I explained what happened between my little sister and his mother to my husband. He was furious. I have never seen him so upset and angry. He called his mother and yelled at her for being so crazy and disrespecting him, his wife and his sister in law. He said he is done with her and is tired of giving her chances and to not expect us for the holidays.

He was then pacing around muttering about how angry and upset he is.

I felt so happy that he was coming to our defense. Finally! A clear "back off!"

But... I also feel so bad for her. Should we have not said anything?

[Anonymous]

Ok, with this update (the last line) now I think this is a troll. Unbelievable

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand how awful you are feeling, but your MIL didn't humiliate you. She humiliated herself. She made a fool of herself, not you.

The real problem here is that it sounds like you're taking on her burden of humiliation, and making it yours. It's not your burden.

It's unfortunate that your sister seemed to react as if it were your burden and hers, too - and not the burden of the wildly-inappropriate woman who spewed vicious lies to a young stranger.

So you and your sister might want to think through why it is that you're burdening yourselves with someone else's baggage. You come across as a nice person, OP, and your sister sounds like she's personable, too. Why are you so unfair and unkind to yourselves? Why are you choosing to make yourselves unhappy about this wreck of a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, with this update (the last line) now I think this is a troll. Unbelievable

Same

[Anonymous]

So he only cared and blew his top at her when she was nasty to your sister? What about all the times he's done nothing when she was nasty to you?

This is a show. It won't get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be upset, but not surprised.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them!

Keep your distance. This will continue if you continue to see or speak with her.

My husband loves and adores his family. Since he was probably an abused child, he is sort of oblivious and doesn't get phased by her psychotic episodes. Wouldn't it be rude if I stop going over? I hate her but always go over and am polite just to show face and not create drama. Once I stop going they will have real reason to hate me. Right now they're grasping at straws.

I think it's actually bigger than that, OP. Play this scenario forward a few years. Add children, since I assume you want children. How will your in-laws treat your children? If you don't think that your MIL is going to undermine everything you do with your child, if you don't think those children will be used as weapons against you, think again. That is exactly how it will go. And since your husband is already inclined to downplay the severity of your MIL and SIL's behavior, don't expect that he will defend you to them. He said he will side with you against them, but then when given the opportunity to shut his mother down, he didn't do that. My husband would have shut his mother down after the first incident. After the proposal, we would not have seen those people again, full stop. That's what choosing you means when the family is so hostile. He has not done that.

In your position, I would serious reconsider this marriage. You may love him, but for better or worse, you married the family.

The reason I have been apprehensive about bringing children into this marriage is because of his MIL and SIL. I am petrified of their behavior around my future children and just the general awkward, unfriendly hostile environment.

My DH thinks all of this is normal and is just happy to receive any morsel of attention or affection from his mother. I have told him my concerns about his mother and he has told me that if I intend to keep our future kids away from his family then he'd rather not have children with me.

He did tell me he will take my side but over time he is expecting me to just roll with it and "ignore them" like he does. He thinks I am crazy and too serious and never let anything go. That may be but every encounter I have with them heightens my anxiety. I also desperately feel alone and battered.

So how do they stack up against Indian in-laws OP? I've read that in India DILs are pretty much servants to DH's parents.
Also, you're a drama queen as much as your MIL, maybe minus the drinking. you found your match it seems.

[Anonymous]

Well now it’s done. DH has said his piece. MIL knows where she stands. Wipe your hands and write them off. If DH gets cold feet and goes back to a relationship with them, stand your ground and reiterate that you tried and tried and you reached your limit. They all know why and you are never going to make any forward progress with them so let them go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I also do not understand why MIL thinks I am a moocher as I have always worked and held full time jobs. I pay for my own clothes and makeup and DH covers rent and utilities as he makes more than me.

Lol. Moocher woman logic

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP but you saw the warning signs for almost 4 years before you decided to marry this man. You shouldn't of married him. You chose this life. Your DH's family does not like you and likely never will (unless they have a huge change of heart). Stop visiting them! I also don't understand why your DH visits if he has such bad relations with them (i.e. his relationship with his sister). I can only imagine how they'll react if you have children. What does your DH say to them when they treat you bad? Does he stand up for you? Or just tell you to ignore them? I would address this with your DH. He is the issue. He's allowing you to be victimized by his family. His family is allowed to say/do as they please in their home. Why does he allow you to be subject to this?

Is it fair? Nope. Is it right? No. But it's your reality and you chose to be in this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but you saw the warning signs for almost 4 years before you decided to marry this man. You shouldn't of married him. You chose this life. Your DH's family does not like you and likely never will (unless they have a huge change of heart). Stop visiting them! I also don't understand why your DH visits if he has such bad relations with them (i.e. his relationship with his sister). I can only imagine how they'll react if you have children. What does your DH say to them when they treat you bad? Does he stand up for you? Or just tell you to ignore them? I would address this with your DH. He is the issue. He's allowing you to be victimized by his family. His family is allowed to say/do as they please in their home. Why does he allow you to be subject to this?

Is it fair? Nope. Is it right? No. But it's your reality and you chose to be in this dynamic.

DH has at points intervened. He has had talks about them in the beginning to not be racist and be nice. But they claim they do actually love me and want me and are so nice. And they aren't completely wrong. I am included on all major family events. I get nice presents from them. MIL does ask about my life and seems to care how my job and social life is going...but then stuff like what I mentioned above happens and its obvious she is deeply skeptical of me and her intentions become dubious.

[Anonymous]

update. I recently went to a dinner with DH and his family. Towards the end MIL pulled me aside and gave me a non-apology saying she was sorry my feelings were hurt by some miscommunication.

I looked at her incredulously and said, " I appreciate your apology and it doesn't really matter anymore. But just so you know it is not ok to ambush my little sister and badmouth her about me. She was humiliated for me and came home and cried. And she told me what you had said about me"

She says, " I did not say anything"

"...So was my sister lying?"

"There was a miscommunication"

At that point we are ushered outside by the rest of the group. I sigh and say, " look it doesn't matter anymore. I appreciate your apology lets move on."

MIL is visibly upset now. SIL comes up to me and asks me why I am pushing their family away. How her mother only has the best of intentions and I am always rude and difficult"

DH comes up and tells her to back off.

I say guys lets drop it. I thank them for dinner and we bid our goodbyes.

When we come home DH is furious at me. He says he is so angry that I would "attack" his mother when she was trying to apologize and I need to make an effort and get along with his family. His parents are old and he doesn't like to see them in distress.

I am furious and don't even know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:update. I recently went to a dinner with DH and his family. Towards the end MIL pulled me aside and gave me a non-apology saying she was sorry my feelings were hurt by some miscommunication.

I looked at her incredulously and said, " I appreciate your apology and it doesn't really matter anymore. But just so you know it is not ok to ambush my little sister and badmouth her about me. She was humiliated for me and came home and cried. And she told me what you had said about me"

She says, " I did not say anything"

"...So was my sister lying?"

"There was a miscommunication"

At that point we are ushered outside by the rest of the group. I sigh and say, " look it doesn't matter anymore. I appreciate your apology lets move on."

MIL is visibly upset now. SIL comes up to me and asks me why I am pushing their family away. How her mother only has the best of intentions and I am always rude and difficult"

DH comes up and tells her to back off.

I say guys lets drop it. I thank them for dinner and we bid our goodbyes.

When we come home DH is furious at me. He says he is so angry that I would "attack" his mother when she was trying to apologize and I need to make an effort and get along with his family. His parents are old and he doesn't like to see them in distress.

I am furious and don't even know what to say.

We all told you that this is a DH problem more than an IL problem. Now you have proof.

[Anonymous]

Don't have kids with him. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

We all told you that this is a DH problem more than an IL problem. Now you have proof.

Yep. You're the only one surprised by this. None of us are

[Anonymous]

Unlike others - I don't think you have DH problem.

I think YOU have the problem. You simply are incapable of communicating to your DH. Your DH has not really changed AT ALL. He has showed you repeatedly that unless pressured you by incessantly he won't even proactively defend you. You on the other had have not been consistent about how you deal with this issue and when DH DOES defend you, you then question whether you were too harsh in asking or his actions - on your behalf - thus setting the reset button on this obvious inappropriate behavior by MIL.

How you feel about this matters. You keep doubting that and your actions and words reflect your doubt. You either stand up for yourself or you don't. You either tell your DH that it's not acceptable, that her apology was insincere and she wasn't apologizing and rather LIED about what she did and that it's not acceptable to you and you either move forward as a couple - or you DON'T.

YOU need to decide if you will put up with a lifetime of a MIL who despises you and a DH who will never defend you and will always take her side.

Get on with it.