MIL gossiped about me with my little sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be upset, but not surprised.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them!

Keep your distance. This will continue if you continue to see or speak with her.

My husband loves and adores his family. Since he was probably an abused child, he is sort of oblivious and doesn't get phased by her psychotic episodes. Wouldn't it be rude if I stop going over? I hate her but always go over and am polite just to show face and not create drama. Once I stop going they will have real reason to hate me. Right now they're grasping at straws.

How's that "being over polite and showing face" thing going? Apparently it doesn't prevent drama and has you crying your eyes out. Outside of your DH's issues - you need to really analyze why you care so much what people who don't like you, lie about you, and talk ill of you think about you. So they are going to dislike you even more? I don't see the downside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be upset, but not surprised.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them!

Keep your distance. This will continue if you continue to see or speak with her.

My husband loves and adores his family. Since he was probably an abused child, he is sort of oblivious and doesn't get phased by her psychotic episodes. Wouldn't it be rude if I stop going over? I hate her but always go over and am polite just to show face and not create drama. Once I stop going they will have real reason to hate me. Right now they're grasping at straws.

Is this OP? If it is, how can your husband love and adore his family when he blatantly won't visit with his sister and doesn't like her? Something's missing (not that you're lying or anything, OP, but just that there's something you're not seeing with the whole picture).

You need to tell your husband what his mother said to your sister and remind him of what he told you when you first met them - that he'd always choose you over them.

Another option is to visit as you've always done, but the minute you see your MIL start to get drunk or tipsy, that's your time to get up andleave. For both you and DH to get up and leave.

Op here.

Yes he is often frustrated at and cannot stand to spend time with his sister. He sees her maybe 5 times a year. But he will always love her and defend her and not do anything to hurt her feelings. Similarly, he won't go spend endless time with his mother but he could never skip her birthday or Christmas with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be upset, but not surprised.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them!

Keep your distance. This will continue if you continue to see or speak with her.

My husband loves and adores his family. Since he was probably an abused child, he is sort of oblivious and doesn't get phased by her psychotic episodes. Wouldn't it be rude if I stop going over? I hate her but always go over and am polite just to show face and not create drama. Once I stop going they will have real reason to hate me. Right now they're grasping at straws.

I think it's actually bigger than that, OP. Play this scenario forward a few years. Add children, since I assume you want children. How will your in-laws treat your children? If you don't think that your MIL is going to undermine everything you do with your child, if you don't think those children will be used as weapons against you, think again. That is exactly how it will go. And since your husband is already inclined to downplay the severity of your MIL and SIL's behavior, don't expect that he will defend you to them. He said he will side with you against them, but then when given the opportunity to shut his mother down, he didn't do that. My husband would have shut his mother down after the first incident. After the proposal, we would not have seen those people again, full stop. That's what choosing you means when the family is so hostile. He has not done that.

In your position, I would serious reconsider this marriage. You may love him, but for better or worse, you married the family.

The reason I have been apprehensive about bringing children into this marriage is because of his MIL and SIL. I am petrified of their behavior around my future children and just the general awkward, unfriendly hostile environment.

My DH thinks all of this is normal and is just happy to receive any morsel of attention or affection from his mother. I have told him my concerns about his mother and he has told me that if I intend to keep our future kids away from his family then he'd rather not have children with me.

He did tell me he will take my side but over time he is expecting me to just roll with it and "ignore them" like he does. He thinks I am crazy and too serious and never let anything go. That may be but every encounter I have with them heightens my anxiety. I also desperately feel alone and battered.

This is a huge red flag. Do not have children with this man. I actually think you should cut your losses and divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be upset, but not surprised.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them!

Keep your distance. This will continue if you continue to see or speak with her.

My husband loves and adores his family. Since he was probably an abused child, he is sort of oblivious and doesn't get phased by her psychotic episodes. Wouldn't it be rude if I stop going over? I hate her but always go over and am polite just to show face and not create drama. Once I stop going they will have real reason to hate me. Right now they're grasping at straws.

Is this OP? If it is, how can your husband love and adore his family when he blatantly won't visit with his sister and doesn't like her? Something's missing (not that you're lying or anything, OP, but just that there's something you're not seeing with the whole picture).

You need to tell your husband what his mother said to your sister and remind him of what he told you when you first met them - that he'd always choose you over them.

Another option is to visit as you've always done, but the minute you see your MIL start to get drunk or tipsy, that's your time to get up andleave. For both you and DH to get up and leave.

Op here.

Yes he is often frustrated at and cannot stand to spend time with his sister. He sees her maybe 5 times a year. But he will always love her and defend her and not do anything to hurt her feelings. Similarly, he won't go spend endless time with his mother but he could never skip her birthday or Christmas with them.

You need to sit down with your DH and suggest counseling. You need to do this prior to having kids or deciding to continue with the marriage. He's basically said - I'd rather not have kids with you if this is going to be an issue. It's already an issue - one that DH wants to continue to ignore and now wants you to play his own twisted games.

No thanks. You tell him it's serious enough for you to contemplate the marriage and having children.

[Anonymous]

OP, given your follow-ups, I suggest that you have a serious conversation with him following what happened with your sister. Tell him that his family does not respect you and does not respect your marriage. Tell him that you are apprehensive about having children given the racist things they have said to/about you in the past and the way they treat you and your family in the present. Tell him that you respect his desire to have a relationship with his family, but that the way they have treated you makes you worried that they will be similarly abusive towards your children.

I would probably just get divorced, TBH. If he was truly on your side, he would have put a stop to all this. Going along to get along only works when people are not this dysfunctional. You will be miserable forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be upset, but not surprised.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them!

Keep your distance. This will continue if you continue to see or speak with her.

My husband loves and adores his family. Since he was probably an abused child, he is sort of oblivious and doesn't get phased by her psychotic episodes. Wouldn't it be rude if I stop going over? I hate her but always go over and am polite just to show face and not create drama. Once I stop going they will have real reason to hate me. Right now they're grasping at straws.

I think it's actually bigger than that, OP. Play this scenario forward a few years. Add children, since I assume you want children. How will your in-laws treat your children? If you don't think that your MIL is going to undermine everything you do with your child, if you don't think those children will be used as weapons against you, think again. That is exactly how it will go. And since your husband is already inclined to downplay the severity of your MIL and SIL's behavior, don't expect that he will defend you to them. He said he will side with you against them, but then when given the opportunity to shut his mother down, he didn't do that. My husband would have shut his mother down after the first incident. After the proposal, we would not have seen those people again, full stop. That's what choosing you means when the family is so hostile. He has not done that.

In your position, I would serious reconsider this marriage. You may love him, but for better or worse, you married the family.

The reason I have been apprehensive about bringing children into this marriage is because of his MIL and SIL. I am petrified of their behavior around my future children and just the general awkward, unfriendly hostile environment.

My DH thinks all of this is normal and is just happy to receive any morsel of attention or affection from his mother. I have told him my concerns about his mother and he has told me that if I intend to keep our future kids away from his family then he'd rather not have children with me.

He did tell me he will take my side but over time he is expecting me to just roll with it and "ignore them" like he does. He thinks I am crazy and too serious and never let anything go. That may be but every encounter I have with them heightens my anxiety. I also desperately feel alone and battered.

This is a huge red flag. Do not have children with this man. I actually think you should cut your losses and divorce him.

+1. I've learned that unless your spouse is estranged from his/her parents because of their racism, etc. that basically the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I plan to tell my children to pay attention to partners' families. Big time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We went to a therapist about his Mother. The therapist told us that I cannot expect him to control his mother or sister as they are not puppets and that I cannot hold him responsible for their behavior. She said I should stop complaining to him about his mother as she is his mother and it is hurtful to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went to a therapist about his Mother. The therapist told us that I cannot expect him to control his mother or sister as they are not puppets and that I cannot hold him responsible for their behavior. She said I should stop complaining to him about his mother as she is his mother and it is hurtful to him.

The therapist is right that he can't be expected to control his mother or sister. But he is most certainly responsible for his own reaction to their mistreatment of you. He doesn't have your back at all. He isn't making clear that protecting you is important to him. I don't say this lightly but there doesn't seem to be much hope for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went to a therapist about his Mother. The therapist told us that I cannot expect him to control his mother or sister as they are not puppets and that I cannot hold him responsible for their behavior. She said I should stop complaining to him about his mother as she is his mother and it is hurtful to him.

Wowzers.

Was there advice given to your husband? Did therapist suggest that you continue engaging/visiting/otherwise ignoring bad behavior? I have a hard time believing a therapist would say "oh well - that's his mom".

While it's true DH can't control what they say/do, he most certainly has control over how he chooses to engage with anyone who insults and demeans his spouse.

[Anonymous]

You have a major DH problem. My aunt is a miserable person. Her 3 sons have nothing to do with her because of how she treats their wives. That's a good husband.
You're husband has chosen his family over you. There really isn't any other way to look at it. Your MIL has been awful to you and makes you cry. You want to protect your kids from that toxicity. Your husband told you "oh well, then I don't want kids with you". That is MESSED up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went to a therapist about his Mother. The therapist told us that I cannot expect him to control his mother or sister as they are not puppets and that I cannot hold him responsible for their behavior. She said I should stop complaining to him about his mother as she is his mother and it is hurtful to him.

And all of that is absolutely true. However, if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to recognize that their behavior is hurtful to you and consider what he can do to protect/defend you from the behaviors that hurt you. You can't hold him responsible for their behavior. You can hold him responsible for his behavior, which includes minimizing their behavior.

Ultimately, I feel that this is the sort of thing that breaks a marriage. I don't see a solution here that doesn't result in either you or your husband being very unhappy.

[Anonymous]

You see them as little as possible. Your MIL is likely an alcoholic and obviously is a mean drunk.
You certainly do not subject your other family members to them.
Seek marital therapy NOW to discuss how to be navigate this once kids arrive. My preference would be they don't see crazy racist inlaws at all. Maybe you can get daytime only, on your turf, no alcohol approved by DH.

Your DH needs to support you in this.

[Anonymous]

PP again, in many marriage vows people include, "forsaking all others". ALL others. You come first. Not his mom or his family of origin. YOU.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have kids with a man who thought so little of me that he'd let me regularly devolve in tears while his mom and sister are insulting and demeaning to me. There is no way I'd subject my kids to that - and if after the kids are born, you decide to divorce, you can't tell your ex that he can't bring his kids around his family..

I'm sorry but I'd deal with this issue now before deciding to continue in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

and you need a new therapist. Get a recommendation from someone on these boards who had a therapist who helped spouses successfully negotiate in laws.