MIL gossiped about me with my little sister
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I spent the morning crying and am at my wits ends about what to do. Below is the story:
I am an Indian American early thirties woman married to a white guy. After dating him for a year I was told that his mother is "difficult" and that past girlfriends have had a hard time dealing with her. I went in pretty confident as I have always been really good with parents. Parents love me! I met his family and his mother. They.were.awful. They were so racist and sloppy drunks who said lots of embarrassing and awful things not the least of which was telling us flatly that our relationship would not work because I am Indian and Muslim and he is white and christian. I left their house in tears and shaken as it was the first time in my life that I had encountered such blatant racism and lack of decency. My then boyfriend apologized profusely and promised me that he will always side with me and choose me over his crazy family. I had reservations but after thinking about it, I decided not punish the son for his mother's crimes and continue our relationship. 3 years later, he proposed. His mother threw a fit and did not speak to us for a week. She claimed she was so shocked and caught unawares and didn't realize we were serious. When we ignored her for a week she apologized and attempted to make amends. We forgave her and moved on. Got married. She was a wreck on our wedding day and barely spoke to me. I ignored her. My husband's sister is also awful and has never warmed up to me. When we first met I tried to be nice but she was not receptive. It was clear she wanted nothing to do with me. So respecting her wishes I stayed out of her way. She wouldn't even look at me or speak to me at family events. It was awful and demeaning but I got used to it overtime. Last night was my MIL's birthday. My little sister was visiting from out of the country so we all went to the IL's house. I get there and I can feel the tension. MIL and SIL have been fighting all day because MIL is not ok with SIL dating a black guy. My little sister is sweet and adorable so she was trying to be nice to my MIL and get her excited for her birthday. I saw them joking around and was happy to see her being treating ok. I then noticed that MIL was getting to her usual sloppy drunk place. She was anxious and ranting and venting to my little sister. I thought that was very inappropriate. I go and tell my husband who tells me to relax and goes back to helping his sister in the kitchen. Overall the night was sort of awkward and unpleasant with MIL being depressed and drunk. But we got through it. I gave her a big hug and tons of well wishes on her birthday. I noticed in the car ride back that my sister was sullen and quiet. At home she said she was tired and went to bed. This morning as I was getting dressed for work, my little sister walks to me and says, "I hate to tell you this but something happened last night." I am very worried and ask her what happened. She says that last night my MIL pulled her aside and started confessing her true feelings about me to her. She said that she is so worried about her son. She feels that I am a moocher and do not help out as her son pays for everything. He carries all of our luggage when traveling and he is so devoted to me and I better appreciate him. She is worried her family is falling apart. Her kids do not speak to each other. And I am the reason why. Her son doesn't talk to his daughter because of me. And her daughter always cries to her about how she misses her brother. Her daughter also hates me because she thinks I am a spoiled brat who never offers to help when I am over and because I took her away from her brother. My little sister was horrified for me and says she cannot process what just happened. I started crying. I feel so hurt and horrified that she would say bad things about me to my little sister while I am in the room! For the record, her accusations are false. My SIL is has major personality problems and my husband avoids her because she is always mean and rude to him. I have asked him multiple times to go hang out with her and every time he does he comes back saying she was being a bitch and he doesn't understand why he bothers anymore. They were never close and have only gotten distant as they have gotten older. The fact that she dislikes me makes it harder for all of us to hang out anyway as I avoid her. I ALWAYS ALWAYS offer and insist on helping whenever I am over there. Every single time I am shooed out of the kitchen and DH and I are told to sit and let them cook in the kitchen. I always help with the dishes afterwards when they let me. I tried to bring baked goods for special occasions but SIL threw a fit as she is the baker and didn't like that I was competing with her. I also do not understand why MIL thinks I am a moocher as I have always worked and held full time jobs. I pay for my own clothes and makeup and DH covers rent and utilities as he makes more than me. I dont know what to do. I am so over in my head. I hate these people. |
Anonymous
OP, you said it yourself at the beginning: she's difficult. She probably always was, and she probably always will be. It's not about you, it's about her. Talk to your husband about you can minimize contact with her. |
Anonymous
|
tl; dr
Seriously. You know your MIL is a whackadoodle and you are surprised she made up garbage and unloaded on your sister? |
Anonymous
|
I'm sorry that happened to your sister, OP, and I'm sorry that your in-laws are such drama.
What does your husband say? How often do you see his mother? How is his relationship with his mother? My best friend's MIL has similar feelings about her, including the moocher comment. That stems from the 1.5 years when my BFF stayed home with their infant son. Right after that, she got a new job and is actually the breadwinner of the family. We are all of us mystified as to why MIL thinks that BFF is a moocher, given that the house is in her name, the car is in her name, etc. and her husband makes about 1/2 her salary. |
Anonymous
|
You have every right to be upset. It's awful, embarrassing and humiliating. Even if it's not true, it's so very hard to hear that someone is talking badly about you. I'm sorry.
All that to say - there is nothing that you can say or do to change how your MIL or SIL treats you or in turn, talks about you. There's no nicer or more accommodating or forgiving that you can be that will change people's character. That said, it appears that past indication is that when you've put your foot down, MIL backs down and apologizes. I'd take the same approach. I would tell MIL you are aware of all the horrible things that she shared with your sister, that you don't appreciate it, that it's horrible behavior and you see no reason to be courteous and spend time with people who obviously don't like you and that you will refrain from visiting her home. And let that be that. You know who you are - your DH knows who you are - you have nothing to prove to people who don't like or appreciate you. You'd love to have another type of relationship with them, but you don't. No need to torture yourself with further engagements. |
Anonymous
|
why would you subject your little sister to an evening with your MIL, if she's as awful as you say she is?
|
Anonymous
I did read the whole thing and agree with the bolded. Stop trying so hard with her. Nothing will make her like you. Be polite and stop being emotionally invested. |
Anonymous
|
You have every right to be upset, but not surprised.
When someone shows you who they are: believe them! Keep your distance. This will continue if you continue to see or speak with her. |
Anonymous
My husband loves and adores his family. Since he was probably an abused child, he is sort of oblivious and doesn't get phased by her psychotic episodes. Wouldn't it be rude if I stop going over? I hate her but always go over and am polite just to show face and not create drama. Once I stop going they will have real reason to hate me. Right now they're grasping at straws. |
Anonymous
| It is kind of funny to read you don't think you are a moocher because you buy your own clothes and make-up. However, so what. You and your DH come up with whatever financial arrangements you want and who cares what anyone else thinks. Don't go over there anymore. She already hates you, so don't worry yourself about whether her reason for hating you is 'legitimate' or not. Free yourself from this woman. |
Anonymous
I think it's actually bigger than that, OP. Play this scenario forward a few years. Add children, since I assume you want children. How will your in-laws treat your children? If you don't think that your MIL is going to undermine everything you do with your child, if you don't think those children will be used as weapons against you, think again. That is exactly how it will go. And since your husband is already inclined to downplay the severity of your MIL and SIL's behavior, don't expect that he will defend you to them. He said he will side with you against them, but then when given the opportunity to shut his mother down, he didn't do that. My husband would have shut his mother down after the first incident. After the proposal, we would not have seen those people again, full stop. That's what choosing you means when the family is so hostile. He has not done that. In your position, I would serious reconsider this marriage. You may love him, but for better or worse, you married the family. |
Anonymous
| Figure out what you need to do to protect yourself. And make your DH really understand what his mother is. If he's not racist too, then he will be willing to put up barriers for the good of your family. |
Anonymous
Is this OP? If it is, how can your husband love and adore his family when he blatantly won't visit with his sister and doesn't like her? Something's missing (not that you're lying or anything, OP, but just that there's something you're not seeing with the whole picture). You need to tell your husband what his mother said to your sister and remind him of what he told you when you first met them - that he'd always choose you over them. Another option is to visit as you've always done, but the minute you see your MIL start to get drunk or tipsy, that's your time to get up andleave. For both you and DH to get up and leave. |
Anonymous
| Who cares what they think about you. From now on your husband can visit them without you. Let them spread their rumors. |
Anonymous
The reason I have been apprehensive about bringing children into this marriage is because of his MIL and SIL. I am petrified of their behavior around my future children and just the general awkward, unfriendly hostile environment. My DH thinks all of this is normal and is just happy to receive any morsel of attention or affection from his mother. I have told him my concerns about his mother and he has told me that if I intend to keep our future kids away from his family then he'd rather not have children with me. He did tell me he will take my side but over time he is expecting me to just roll with it and "ignore them" like he does. He thinks I am crazy and too serious and never let anything go. That may be but every encounter I have with them heightens my anxiety. I also desperately feel alone and battered. |