MIL gossiped about me with my little sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a major DH problem. My aunt is a miserable person. Her 3 sons have nothing to do with her because of how she treats their wives. That's a good husband.
You're husband has chosen his family over you. There really isn't any other way to look at it. Your MIL has been awful to you and makes you cry. You want to protect your kids from that toxicity. Your husband told you "oh well, then I don't want kids with you". That is MESSED up.

Op here.

My husband says he cannot control his mother or sister. They are their own people. His love for me should be enough. He says I don't need to go see her and he is happy to go by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a major DH problem. My aunt is a miserable person. Her 3 sons have nothing to do with her because of how she treats their wives. That's a good husband.
You're husband has chosen his family over you. There really isn't any other way to look at it. Your MIL has been awful to you and makes you cry. You want to protect your kids from that toxicity. Your husband told you "oh well, then I don't want kids with you". That is MESSED up.

Op here.

My husband says he cannot control his mother or sister. They are their own people. His love for me should be enough. He says I don't need to go see her and he is happy to go by himself.

But he put is foot down about them being part of future children's lives. You have a say in that and their disrespect for you should be a big part of that.

[Anonymous]

You should set some healthy boundaries for yourself. You know there are behavioral and substance abuse issues in play, that she is not kind to you. So just stop hanging out with them - leave them alone entirely. Your husband can go hang; you are under no obligation to do that. You are intentionally setting yourself up for this sort of nonsense. Your husband is not responsible for his parent’s dysfunction, he told you about them, warned you - you know what it was when you married him. Stop putting him in the middle, stop interacting with or about them. This doesn’t need to be complicated, you just have to decide/learn that you establish boundaries with hurtful people and you stay on your side of the line and leave them alone on their side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should set some healthy boundaries for yourself. You know there are behavioral and substance abuse issues in play, that she is not kind to you. So just stop hanging out with them - leave them alone entirely. Your husband can go hang; you are under no obligation to do that. You are intentionally setting yourself up for this sort of nonsense. Your husband is not responsible for his parent’s dysfunction, he told you about them, warned you - you know what it was when you married him. Stop putting him in the middle, stop interacting with or about them. This doesn’t need to be complicated, you just have to decide/learn that you establish boundaries with hurtful people and you stay on your side of the line and leave them alone on their side.

That's all fine and well until they have kids.

OPs DH has every intention of allowing any kids around these toxic people. All you're suggesting is that she put her head in the sand until then. Terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tl; dr

Seriously. You know your MIL is a whackadoodle and you are surprised she made up garbage and unloaded on your sister?

This x a million

How do you not see this coming? It wouldn’t even upset me. You knew what you were getting yourself into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should set some healthy boundaries for yourself. You know there are behavioral and substance abuse issues in play, that she is not kind to you. So just stop hanging out with them - leave them alone entirely. Your husband can go hang; you are under no obligation to do that. You are intentionally setting yourself up for this sort of nonsense. Your husband is not responsible for his parent’s dysfunction, he told you about them, warned you - you know what it was when you married him. Stop putting him in the middle, stop interacting with or about them. This doesn’t need to be complicated, you just have to decide/learn that you establish boundaries with hurtful people and you stay on your side of the line and leave them alone on their side.

That's all fine and well until they have kids.

OPs DH has every intention of allowing any kids around these toxic people. All you're suggesting is that she put her head in the sand until then. Terrible advice.

OP, will you raise the kids interfaith, or muslim? You and your DH absolutely have every right to raise them as you both decide. The latter is required under Muslim law when the husband is not Muslim (and also when he is, of course). Your DH may also have been asked to convert. It’s possible you’ve “won” and your whackadoodle MIL doesn’t seem like the type to be gracious about it. While you and your DH have the complete right to make your own decisions, these scenarios are absolutely going to be an ongoing source of stress around every major religious holiday, when it’s time to choose schools, and so on. That is, these problems are probably not going to go away.

This is something you need to air with your DH (and when talking about it on online fora with us) NOW, before you have children. Your MIL does sound awful. But these are some big issues that in all likelihood will be with you for years, and that no amount of sympathy from DCUM about her being a sloppy drunk will solve. You and DH need to be completely on the same page, whatever that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a major DH problem. My aunt is a miserable person. Her 3 sons have nothing to do with her because of how she treats their wives. That's a good husband.
You're husband has chosen his family over you. There really isn't any other way to look at it. Your MIL has been awful to you and makes you cry. You want to protect your kids from that toxicity. Your husband told you "oh well, then I don't want kids with you". That is MESSED up.

Op here.

My husband says he cannot control his mother or sister. They are their own people. His love for me should be enough. He says I don't need to go see her and he is happy to go by himself.

OP, you can’t ask your DH to cut off all ties with his family, and/or refuse to allow his family any contact with your (future) kids. The MIL does sound like a manipulative, sloppy drunk (whatever the FIL is like). That’s not enough.

[Anonymous]

You can see now that you don't marry just the person, you marry the family. You knew what you were getting into, now you are surprised? Seriously, when DH and I were thinking about marriage, I am from Europe, I told him I will not even contemplated it until I knew his family better. And even with knowing them there are still small issues. Just divorce before you have kids. Don't you think you would be happier with a husband without racist family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should set some healthy boundaries for yourself. You know there are behavioral and substance abuse issues in play, that she is not kind to you. So just stop hanging out with them - leave them alone entirely. Your husband can go hang; you are under no obligation to do that. You are intentionally setting yourself up for this sort of nonsense. Your husband is not responsible for his parent’s dysfunction, he told you about them, warned you - you know what it was when you married him. Stop putting him in the middle, stop interacting with or about them. This doesn’t need to be complicated, you just have to decide/learn that you establish boundaries with hurtful people and you stay on your side of the line and leave them alone on their side.

That's all fine and well until they have kids.

OPs DH has every intention of allowing any kids around these toxic people. All you're suggesting is that she put her head in the sand until then. Terrible advice.

+1. Need a new counselor. One who will tell DH that he needs to back up DW. Or don't have children. Or get divorced.

[Anonymous]

You don't have an inlaw problem you have a husband problem. Fix that and the rest will right itself one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

18:52 again

Actually divorce him, walk away from these people and don't look back.

[Anonymous]

interfaith marriages seldom work out...even marriages between differing Christian sects have a rough go of it sometimes. You knew how awful she was before you married your husband. Honestly, if I were you, I'd get out and find a muslim or atheist man who doesn't mind his kids being raised muslim. Life is hard enough w/o bringing major religious differences into the mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:interfaith marriages seldom work out...even marriages between differing Christian sects have a rough go of it sometimes. You knew how awful she was before you married your husband. Honestly, if I were you, I'd get out and find a muslim or atheist man who doesn't mind his kids being raised muslim. Life is hard enough w/o bringing major religious differences into the mix.

+1. You can’t force your DH to cut himself and your hypothetical kids off from his Christian family, be they sane or insane. If you don’t want to deal with them for the next several decades—and MIL at least sounds bad—then divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:interfaith marriages seldom work out...even marriages between differing Christian sects have a rough go of it sometimes. You knew how awful she was before you married your husband. Honestly, if I were you, I'd get out and find a muslim or atheist man who doesn't mind his kids being raised muslim. Life is hard enough w/o bringing major religious differences into the mix.

+1. You can’t force your DH to cut himself and your hypothetical kids off from his Christian family, be they sane or insane. If you don’t want to deal with them for the next several decades—and MIL at least sounds bad—then divorce him.

This is your takeaway from a post about a bigoted, drunk, narcissist who abuses her DIL?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, as PPs have said, you don't have an IL issue, you have a major, major DH problem. Your DH doesn't have your back. YOu need to go to individual counseling and get some perspective and a reality check. While I think you're nuts to put up with this, at least it's your choice. Your kids won't have that choice. How could you do that to them?