MIL gossiped about me with my little sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:interfaith marriages seldom work out...even marriages between differing Christian sects have a rough go of it sometimes. You knew how awful she was before you married your husband. Honestly, if I were you, I'd get out and find a muslim or atheist man who doesn't mind his kids being raised muslim. Life is hard enough w/o bringing major religious differences into the mix.

+1. You can’t force your DH to cut himself and your hypothetical kids off from his Christian family, be they sane or insane. If you don’t want to deal with them for the next several decades—and MIL at least sounds bad—then divorce him.

This is your takeaway from a post about a bigoted, drunk, narcissist who abuses her DIL?

Oh, MIL is bigoted and gross. But reading between the lines, what OP didn’t tell us is that she and MIL are tussling over the faith of future kids and possibly her DH. These are pretty hefty issues, and OP is minimizing them and blaming the drunkenness. OP has every right to raise her kids as she sees fit. But if this is the elephant in the room with MIL, best to acknowledge it, get it out there, and base the decision on it. Not solely on MIL’s crassness.

You must be reading far between the lines because other than proving religious context, OP hasn’t said anything about MIL and her disagreeing about religion for future children. I think you are projecting.

It’s all about abusing and debasement of OP as a person.

Maybe. But we have one side of the story. That ends with OP wanting her DH to cut off his family about some stuff about mooching, which is pretty drastic. And he doesn’t want to. Why?

Because dysfunction is easy when it's familiar and he has been caught up in that crazy for a long time. OP should leave and husband can do whatever with his drunk bigoted mom.

MIL is awful. But there’s also a high probability that religion is the big issue behind a lot of what’s going on, and OP isn’t acknowledging that to us. There are drips and drabs in OP’s posts—we hear that MIL points out the difference, but OP doesn’t tell us that under her religious law the hypothetical kids have to be raised in her religion.

Without taking sides, or even thinking it’s reasonable for us to have an opinion about what religion OP raises her kids in, you can still want to hear the full story.

Sounds like OP needs to divorce, IMO.

DP. You sound unhinged. No one but you thinks religion is the root cause or even likely cause of any of this. It’s more likely that if OP was Christian and Indian she would still be posting. You have personal issues. Interfaith marriages happen all the time.

Interfaith marriages run into trouble all the time. You’re naive if you think it’s all smooth sailing. Religion can be the undercurrent of many superficial spats. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

Why do you care about Christmas if you’re Muslim?

I can’t imagine being upset if a spouse spent Rosh Hashanahq or Eid with their family without me if I was a different religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

He says he’ll visit them without you. This seems ideal. It sounds like they’re not far away and it would be a day, or 2-3 days max, away from each other when he goes for Christmas. What have you agreed about Thanksgiving? Why, as a Muslim, do you care about Christmas? If you’re trying to build a case for insisting your husband cut himself off completely from his family and own traditions, that’s not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

Why do you care about Christmas if you’re Muslim?

I can’t imagine being upset if a spouse spent Rosh Hashanahq or Eid with their family without me if I was a different religion.

I don’t care about Christmas as a religious holiday but as a holiday for togetherness and family. Christmas is special to my husband and I love going with him to pick a tree and all that. His mother insists we go over and sleep at their house so she can get her Christmas morning. So I’ve been doing that with them. When they go to church, I stay home and nap. Otherwise we have created our own traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

Why do you care about Christmas if you’re Muslim?

I can’t imagine being upset if a spouse spent Rosh Hashanahq or Eid with their family without me if I was a different religion.

I don’t care about Christmas as a religious holiday but as a holiday for togetherness and family. Christmas is special to my husband and I love going with him to pick a tree and all that. His mother insists we go over and sleep at their house so she can get her Christmas morning. So I’ve been doing that with them. When they go to church, I stay home and nap. Otherwise we have created our own traditions.

That's going to have to stop if/when you have kids. You and your DH need to agree to that now.

[Anonymous]

Where is your FIL in all this? Is MIL divorced or widowed? Sounds like she’s lonely—and needy. But pressuring your DH to cut off all ties including Christmas is not the way to go about this. Your DH needs to talk to his mom about how you’ll visit/spend the night only if she’s respectful to you.

[Anonymous]

NP here...what 9:52 just said. You should set up the rules now before you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

Why do you care about Christmas if you’re Muslim?

I can’t imagine being upset if a spouse spent Rosh Hashanahq or Eid with their family without me if I was a different religion.

I don’t care about Christmas as a religious holiday but as a holiday for togetherness and family. Christmas is special to my husband and I love going with him to pick a tree and all that. His mother insists we go over and sleep at their house so she can get her Christmas morning. So I’ve been doing that with them. When they go to church, I stay home and nap. Otherwise we have created our own traditions.

You can still get a tree and do your own traditions even if your DH spends the 25th with his mom and in church. He says you don’t have to join them. This sounds like a reasonable compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here...what 9:52 just said. You should set up the rules now before you have kids.

But the rules don’t have to be that DH gives up his mom and Christmas forever, which seems to be what OP is angling for. He can spend the 25th there and he’s already said she doesn’t have to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

I don't believe that you have a wonderful marriage. I don't believe that your husband loves you. If he did he would not tolerate what your mother-in-law is doing. If he cared about you he would have your back. I have no doubt he will not have your back in other situations. You really don't know what a relationship is like until you say no to a person. Are you the type of partner who goes along with him most of the time? Have you ever stood up and said no to him about anything? What was it like? He is expecting you to accept abuse and it will get worse if you have children. That will open you to 10x more criticism. Also you aren't putting him in the middle with his mother. He should be on one side - yours.

Your counsellor was horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is your FIL in all this? Is MIL divorced or widowed? Sounds like she’s lonely—and needy. But pressuring your DH to cut off all ties including Christmas is not the way to go about this. Your DH needs to talk to his mom about how you’ll visit/spend the night only if she’s respectful to you.

You read this post and all you get about mil is that she's needy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your FIL in all this? Is MIL divorced or widowed? Sounds like she’s lonely—and needy. But pressuring your DH to cut off all ties including Christmas is not the way to go about this. Your DH needs to talk to his mom about how you’ll visit/spend the night only if she’s respectful to you.

You read this post and all you get about mil is that she's needy?

Where did I say that’s all I get? I was referring to MIL’s need to have a “Christmas morning.” OP hasn’t given any specific examples of bigotry but I believe her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

I don't believe that you have a wonderful marriage. I don't believe that your husband loves you. If he did he would not tolerate what your mother-in-law is doing. If he cared about you he would have your back. I have no doubt he will not have your back in other situations. You really don't know what a relationship is like until you say no to a person. Are you the type of partner who goes along with him most of the time? Have you ever stood up and said no to him about anything? What was it like? He is expecting you to accept abuse and it will get worse if you have children. That will open you to 10x more criticism. Also you aren't putting him in the middle with his mother. He should be on one side - yours.

Your counsellor was horrible.

Our therapist emboldened him. She told us that I am not allowed to criticize his mother or family as they are his family. And that I need to let him off the hook for his mother’s behavior as he can’t control her and shouldn’t be held responsible for her behavior. After that the only solution he has is to let me not go over there unless absolutely necessary. He also has occasionally told her to knock it off. I don’t think he thinks her behavior is ok he just is at a loss about what to do. The one thing he doesn’t want to do is cut them off. He has already minimized contact with them to maybe 20 -15 Times a year. I only go over maybe 5-6 times and that little contact is enough to create so much drama in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

I don't believe that you have a wonderful marriage. I don't believe that your husband loves you. If he did he would not tolerate what your mother-in-law is doing. If he cared about you he would have your back. I have no doubt he will not have your back in other situations. You really don't know what a relationship is like until you say no to a person. Are you the type of partner who goes along with him most of the time? Have you ever stood up and said no to him about anything? What was it like? He is expecting you to accept abuse and it will get worse if you have children. That will open you to 10x more criticism. Also you aren't putting him in the middle with his mother. He should be on one side - yours.

Your counsellor was horrible.

Our therapist emboldened him. She told us that I am not allowed to criticize his mother or family as they are his family. And that I need to let him off the hook for his mother’s behavior as he can’t control her and shouldn’t be held responsible for her behavior. After that the only solution he has is to let me not go over there unless absolutely necessary. He also has occasionally told her to knock it off. I don’t think he thinks her behavior is ok he just is at a loss about what to do. The one thing he doesn’t want to do is cut them off. He has already minimized contact with them to maybe 20 -15 Times a year. I only go over maybe 5-6 times and that little contact is enough to create so much drama in my life.

Don’t go at all. Why would you? Truly, they sound awful.

You say he’s already minimized contact with them. And that he doesn’t insist on you coming along.

You want him to cut them off completely and he says he’s not going to do that. You say he enjoys Christmas and being with his awful family.

You say you don’t want divorce, but insisting he cut them off is going to wreck your marriage. Instead, why not stop going altogether, unless your DH tells his mom to can it. Also, ask yourself why you aren’t ok with the compromise of him visiting them without you.