How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

I'm waiting to be approved for disability because I have a life-threatening condition. My husband is retired law enforcement but has to work another job because his retirement check doesn't pay our bills. I do not feel guilty because I'd like to be alive longer, and he would like to keep me.

[Anonymous]

My husband cycles in to an amazing office in the city and spend his day with collaborating with other smart adults on projects. Yes his hours are long, but he often will sneak off to the fancy gym across the street or he’ll have lunch with a colleague to discuss current events.

Both our days have their upsides, so I don’t feel guilty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

[Anonymous]

If the money you spent on her education led to her having a job, meeting someone she loved, and making a choice she can afford regarding how her family chooses to parent- you’d be unhappy? That’s my goal as a parent- whether that dexision means staying at home or working. I’d be grateful the education led to her being a smart woman capable of making her own best choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

+1 reading this makes me so sad for your daughter. What an immense amount of pressure and expectations to hoist upon her. What if she chooses a career you don't seem prestigious or honorable, I assume you'll be disappointed in her as well? That's so sad. As a parent you are failing her with this attitude. Raise (and accept, and love) the child you have, without strings. Ignore this advice at the risk of her long term wellbeing and mental health. This is not healthy and I feel awful for your daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody in my house is staying home doing nothing.

My spouse couldn't work for a bit but was not disabled and was fully engaged with volunteering at a local shelter.

You should feel like shit if you fill your days with selfish endeavors.

Because working for pay is pure altruism! Everyone would continue to go to their office of unpaid.

Did u read? No. I said volunteer, or do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband cycles in to an amazing office in the city and spend his day with collaborating with other smart adults on projects. Yes his hours are long, but he often will sneak off to the fancy gym across the street or he’ll have lunch with a colleague to discuss current events.

Both our days have their upsides, so I don’t feel guilty

Yes why would a dead beat slacker feel guilty? I am sure you use terms like “our” money and “WE” are doing really well...lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

This makes sense! Maybe my job is flexible enough that I'm able to do all of those while working. I'm not being facetious.

What is wrong with you, OP? What are you hoping to gain here? WOTH parent here. No defensiveness, just baffled amusement.

OP is self reflective unlike most here. Let’s faces it’s a females privilege to able to tap out of the work force and rely on someone else. Why should any female feel guilty....it’s something they are entitled to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP should feel guilty not because she has a week off, but because she easily could choose to stay home with her kids and be a REAL SAHM rather than outsource their upbringing yet doesn't do it. Why? Because that is REAL work. Exhausting work. Hard work.

I was a biglaw partner who retired early. My wife has never had a job throughout our marriage. But she absolutely worked as hard as I ever did when we had kids at home.

Congratulations. This is the worst comment I've ever read on DCUM, and that's a stiff competition.

Well OP could choose to pick up the kids early and do something fun with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

Most women return to work when the children are older. Are you always this dense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

Most women return to work when the children are older. Are you always this dense?

I’m not sure why you think i’m dense. Many women I know don’t returm to work or do some type of hobby job. As I said, I see the pp’s point and I feel the same way about my daughter and son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

DP here.
"Just because"?

Are you really this daft? So making money and having a career outside of taking care of your children is the only way to live a fruitful life.

If everybody did that, who would take care of your daughter or your son.


If you have kids and do not understand that taking care of them day in day out is a very important responsibility that should not be taken lightly, you should not be having those kids.


And no one is suggesting that only parents can fill this role, but if you should see that it is an important role and that some people choose to play the majority of the role by themselves as stay at home parents and others choose to trust someone to play this role a lot more.

And I don't know about you, but I would contemplate a stay at home role for both of my sons, just as I would contemplate one for my husband if we ever won the lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

Most women return to work when the children are older. Are you always this dense?

I’m not sure why you think i’m dense. Many women I know don’t returm to work or do some type of hobby job. As I said, I see the pp’s point and I feel the same way about my daughter and son.

DP.

So what if it is a hobby job? You are dense. You don't get to decide for your daughter what job is a hobby job and what job is a "real job". How do you even come up with this classifications? Based on earnings?

[Anonymous]

Seems like OP and some of the WOHMs posting here need to get a job, need to get a life and stop being so jealous of other people's lives.


If you are fulfilled and happy then you would not give a rat's ass about other people lives.