How much free time is reasonable per day in this situation?

[Anonymous]

You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

I think I agree with this. I would be crushed / disappointed if my H wasn’t showing interest in our child. That being said, there’s definitely ‘phases’ of life - both with work, relationships, family dynamics, etc.
Perhaps right now, DH is in a phase of work work work (for the benefit of the family) and it wouldn’t kill you to help him out right now. I agree it’s silly that he doesn’t consider his “sport hobby” or exercise his free time, but I can sort of see where he’s coming from. Four year olds are incredibly challenging, especially at the end of the day. Maybe talk to him and make sure he’s on board with you know, having a family, and that you’ll help him figure out a schedule that makes you ALL happy - but you’ll revisit this issue in a year to ensure he knows this can’t be sustained (him having no interest or help with your child).


As a side note -
1) stop saying “sport hobby”. It’s condescending.
2) I don’t care what your argument is. Put your kid to bed at 7, asleep by 7:30. 9 isn’t normal and I don’t blame your husband for disagreeing with 9pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

I pointed this out a few pages ago. I don't understand why everyone is acting as if OP is completely in the right here. She has engineered HER schedule at the expense of her DH's. It's bizarre that everyone is okay with that.

Sure, DH isn't prioritizing evenings with the kid. That's okay. Everyone will survive. This is true for the vast majority of biglaw partners. Nature of the beast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

I think I agree with this. I would be crushed / disappointed if my H wasn’t showing interest in our child. That being said, there’s definitely ‘phases’ of life - both with work, relationships, family dynamics, etc.
Perhaps right now, DH is in a phase of work work work (for the benefit of the family) and it wouldn’t kill you to help him out right now. I agree it’s silly that he doesn’t consider his “sport hobby” or exercise his free time, but I can sort of see where he’s coming from. Four year olds are incredibly challenging, especially at the end of the day. Maybe talk to him and make sure he’s on board with you know, having a family, and that you’ll help him figure out a schedule that makes you ALL happy - but you’ll revisit this issue in a year to ensure he knows this can’t be sustained (him having no interest or help with your child).


As a side note -
1) stop saying “sport hobby”. It’s condescending.
2) I don’t care what your argument is. Put your kid to bed at 7, asleep by 7:30. 9 isn’t normal and I don’t blame your husband for disagreeing with 9pm.

9 is a little late, but I don't think it is drastically so. Our 8 and 3 y/o go to bed between 8 and 8:30, lights out between 8:30 and 9pm. They get up around 7am (by themselves), so are looking at 10-10.5 hours of sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

It's kind of wild that you think this man should not only have "free time", but is entitled to having it happen under the circumstances of his choosing - i.e. that the child is asleep at that time. Should he be able to control the lighting too? What about the color scheme of the room where he chooses to take his free time? What about the soundtrack, want to control that too? Don't be ridiculous!

I think it sucks that the man wants to avoid his child, but if he does, let him take his free time without insisting that the world contorts itself to suit his whims. Let him go and lock himself up in the room, or go to the gym, or whatever.

And my 3-year old goes to bed at 8.30 pm, which works for her and the rest of the family. Maybe OP's DH is like that woman from Nanny's Diaries who insisted that her child must not nap during the day so he goes to bed early and STOP INCONVENIENCING everyone.

[Anonymous]

"Where is daddy?" is created by OP. She is playing some fantasy in her head where kids play with adults and by this form some great bond. Time for kid to spend more time in preschool and form his own friendships, so the questions become "Can Larlo come over?". I know, probably, one adult who is capable of playing with a four year old, unless it's a board game or building/creating something, which is more of a weekend activity. Adults are boring anyway.
OP even thinks that an adult babysitter is, somehow, better. She can find several teenage girls for $20/hour, who would gladly take the job (several, so one would be available). This is how my kid's babysitting gig works, can be scheduled, can be last minute.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband wants it all, on his own terms. Welcome to the real world.

[Anonymous]

I bore of all these women who marry highly ambitious high earners and then complain their spouse is exactly the person they married. No doubt OP enjoys the fruits of her DH’s labor.

To the OP, 9pm is way too late a bedtime for a 4 year old. How does he get to preschool on time if he sleeps until 8:30am?

[Anonymous]

Why is "sport hobby" condescending? I have several sport hobbies, and that's how I would describe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is "sport hobby" condescending? I have several sport hobbies, and that's how I would describe them.

I don’t know. I think OP just kept repeating the term which made it sound annoying. Just call it a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Where is daddy?" is created by OP. She is playing some fantasy in her head where kids play with adults and by this form some great bond. Time for kid to spend more time in preschool and form his own friendships, so the questions become "Can Larlo come over?". I know, probably, one adult who is capable of playing with a four year old, unless it's a board game or building/creating something, which is more of a weekend activity. Adults are boring anyway.
OP even thinks that an adult babysitter is, somehow, better. She can find several teenage girls for $20/hour, who would gladly take the job (several, so one would be available). This is how my kid's babysitting gig works, can be scheduled, can be last minute.

Ditto. You don't need to play with your child for 2 hours every day to be an "involved" parent. Have dinner together, maybe dad handles 4yr old's bath, and reads to him at bedtime. I don't know where this expectation comes from that parents should be spending hours a day playing with their kids. My parents didn't and I think they were great parents. And dad not playing with 4 yr old shouldn't mean mom has to be playing with him either, he needs to learn to occupy himself. Do his own thing, check in with mom/dad so they can see what he built, drew, etc.

And, agree with the others than he should go to bed earlier. You'll need to shift it for kindergarten anyway. Start now. My kids were in bed no later than 7:30 at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is "sport hobby" condescending? I have several sport hobbies, and that's how I would describe them.

I don’t know. I think OP just kept repeating the term which made it sound annoying. Just call it a hobby.

Just call it hockey, because that is the only “sports hobby” grown men play regularly at night. The good news for OP is that they inevitably get injured because they are not 20 and then they have a lot more free time.

[Anonymous]

LOL he has gotta be kidding me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Where is daddy?" is created by OP. She is playing some fantasy in her head where kids play with adults and by this form some great bond. Time for kid to spend more time in preschool and form his own friendships, so the questions become "Can Larlo come over?". I know, probably, one adult who is capable of playing with a four year old, unless it's a board game or building/creating something, which is more of a weekend activity. Adults are boring anyway.
OP even thinks that an adult babysitter is, somehow, better. She can find several teenage girls for $20/hour, who would gladly take the job (several, so one would be available). This is how my kid's babysitting gig works, can be scheduled, can be last minute.

Ditto. You don't need to play with your child for 2 hours every day to be an "involved" parent. Have dinner together, maybe dad handles 4yr old's bath, and reads to him at bedtime. I don't know where this expectation comes from that parents should be spending hours a day playing with their kids. My parents didn't and I think they were great parents. And dad not playing with 4 yr old shouldn't mean mom has to be playing with him either, he needs to learn to occupy himself. Do his own thing, check in with mom/dad so they can see what he built, drew, etc.

And, agree with the others than he should go to bed earlier. You'll need to shift it for kindergarten anyway. Start now. My kids were in bed no later than 7:30 at that age.

Agree - well said.