How much free time is reasonable per day in this situation?

[Anonymous]

My husband thinks he doesn't get enough free time/personal time per day. He wants 2 hours of free time per day to work out, read, etc. Is this reasonable given our situation?

DH works 70 hour weeks, including 2 weekends per month, and travels about 4-5 times per month for 1-2 nights each. I work part-time, about 15 hours per week, while DC is in morning preschool, which is all I can currently manage with DH's schedule. We have one child, age 4. No local family, no childcare, no cleaning lady, or other outside help.

Due to the nature of his job, DH cannot do any drop offs, pick ups, snow days or sick days so I do all of that. DH is gone by the time we wake up so I do the morning routine, drop offs, pick ups, spend all afternoon/evening with DC until DH comes home, and all weekends that he's working. I also do pretty much all the housework, grocery shopping, and cooking except yard work which DH does. DH spends about 2-3 hours per day with DC on average except when he's working. DC is constantly asking where Daddy is, what time Daddy will be home, and why is Daddy never home. He is very aware that I am the main parent and DH is the secondary parent, and he's also very aware that he rarely sees Daddy. We have no date nights ever due to DH's unpredictable work schedule and lack of reliable childcare help.

DH claims that it's "not fair" that I get 3 hours of free time after DC is in bed. I explained that yes, I do stay up really late in order to get my free time, but that is my choice (I go to bed around 1 am). DH goes to bed at 9 pm because he has to be at his desk by 6 am. He's always complaining that DC goes to bed too late and he doesn't get time to himself in the evening. In the summer, DC goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes up at 8:30 am. In the winter he goes to bed earlier.

Please help us figure this situation out. DH is constantly ornery about his lack of free time and long hours and in my opinion he doesn't spend enough time with DC given all the travel and the weekends that he is working. DC is also constantly complaining about DH not spending enough time with him. Due to the distance of his office from our house, it's not practical for me to bring DC to his office for lunch, etc. because DH gets 15 minutes for lunch or eats on the go.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't DH cut back his work hours and you work more in return?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't DH cut back his work hours and you work more in return?

OP here. That isn't practical because DH is a law firm partner and I make about $20 per hour. Just doesn't make sense. DH said he will never cut back his hours. He has been working these hours for the last 10 years.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

[Anonymous]

Why in the hell don't you have a house cleaner when your husband is a partner at a law firm??? That is insane. Out source more.

[Anonymous]

OP is it feasible to pay for more childcare help with DC? Either more of a full day program or a part time nanny or something? It sounds like you working part time and being nearly full time at home with DC is a lot.

It also sounds like your DH is stressed with the demands of his schedule and may genuinely need more of a break. While he's not caring for a kid while he's at work, his time at work really isn't a true break.

I don't really know what to suggest beyond paying for more childcare support so that you can ease your burden and maybe find a way to support DH having some breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

That is his free time. If he chooses to spend it on a sport, that is up to him. Frankly, if he wants more personal time, he should dispense with the bother of having a wife and child. He can have plenty of personal time as a divorced man who pays a shitlod of alimony and child support due to abandoning his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in the hell don't you have a house cleaner when your husband is a partner at a law firm??? That is insane. Out source more.

OP here. I have no interest in having a house cleaner. That is not the issue.

[Anonymous]

Plan a day date while DC is at preschool. Starbucks, coffee shop, which will help in communicating. Sounds like resentment and tired of the grind. Agree with outsourcing. Have you thought of changing your schedule to match his? I mean I get he should,give up and be more malleable to D.C. But you could to and get him to see the light? Morning coffee?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is it feasible to pay for more childcare help with DC? Either more of a full day program or a part time nanny or something? It sounds like you working part time and being nearly full time at home with DC is a lot.

It also sounds like your DH is stressed with the demands of his schedule and may genuinely need more of a break. While he's not caring for a kid while he's at work, his time at work really isn't a true break.

I don't really know what to suggest beyond paying for more childcare support so that you can ease your burden and maybe find a way to support DH having some breaks.

OP here. Well we tried a babysitter one afternoon a week for a few months but she was so flaky and unreliable it wasn't worth it. And this was an adult woman who should have been more reliable. I suppose I can look for a mother's helper to play with DC one or two afternoons a week so that I can take over more of the evenings to give DH his desired 2 hours a day of free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan a day date while DC is at preschool. Starbucks, coffee shop, which will help in communicating. Sounds like resentment and tired of the grind. Agree with outsourcing. Have you thought of changing your schedule to match his? I mean I get he should,give up and be more malleable to D.C. But you could to and get him to see the light? Morning coffee?

OP here. We do occasional day dates during preschool hours, going for lunch and doing errands. That's maybe once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't DH cut back his work hours and you work more in return?

OP here. That isn't practical because DH is a law firm partner and I make about $20 per hour. Just doesn't make sense. DH said he will never cut back his hours. He has been working these hours for the last 10 years.

Could you get a house in the suburbs and have him get a different job?

[Anonymous]

Here's the way I see your situation. It's his loss. He's the one not spending time with his own child, or his own wife. Too bad for him. Go do fun things! Make a happy life with your kid. he can stay home and count his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't DH cut back his work hours and you work more in return?

OP here. That isn't practical because DH is a law firm partner and I make about $20 per hour. Just doesn't make sense. DH said he will never cut back his hours. He has been working these hours for the last 10 years.

Could you get a house in the suburbs and have him get a different job?

OP here. We do have a house in the suburbs. He works in the city though. He has only ever had this one job (12 years) and refuses to ever consider any other job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

OP, all I can say is your husband sounds like a dick, er, I meant, lawyer. Wait, aren’t those terms interchangeable?