How much free time is reasonable per day in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Your husband has a crazy schedule and deserves free time. You also deserve a break. If your husband won’t cut his hours, even by ten a week then that’s his choice and he loses out on free time. He needs to make choices about how he spends his time and how he interacts with his family. It sounds like he doesn’t really want a family. Your only choice is to outsource more. And for the love of god put that kid to bed earlier.. half you problems will be solved by getting that kid in bed no later than 8.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you posted before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the way I see your situation. It's his loss. He's the one not spending time with his own child, or his own wife. Too bad for him. Go do fun things! Make a happy life with your kid. he can stay home and count his money.

OP here. One of the issues is that I can see DC is becoming aware and resentful of the lack of time DH spends with him, even though he's only 4. On the weekends DH loves to spend the day doing yardwork, or painting a room, etc. to escape and get some alone time in, but it's under the guise of doing helpful work around the house. I'm the one spending the entire day/night with DC and not getting a break on the weekends. Should we get a Saturday afternoon babysitter or something?

In the future I can see DC deciding not to be close with DH, not coming home during school breaks, moving far away, etc. That's what happened with me and my father and I don't feel fondly towards him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't DH cut back his work hours and you work more in return?

OP here. That isn't practical because DH is a law firm partner and I make about $20 per hour. Just doesn't make sense. DH said he will never cut back his hours. He has been working these hours for the last 10 years.

You need to put Cats in the Cradle on subliminal auto repeat while he sleeps so he can realize all he is sacrificing in the name of money and a job that does not really make the world a better place.

Your kid is 4.

You have 6 more years before he starts to get embarrassed by you and your husband.

You have maybe 8 or 9 more years before he thinks you both suck.

You have 10 more years before he is too busy with his friends and knowing everything to listen to or care about anything dad has to say.

And you have 12 more years before he leaves your home.

He will be gone in a blink of an eye and your husband will just be a blip in his his life.

[Anonymous]

PP about day dates.

Accompany him on work trip. Your DC is only 4, very easy to do and make it special. My DH has a similar schedule in law as well and I've done this. Visit him at work on weekend, when there's less traffic. I think you can make due with the situation but I don't think changing his mind is a way to go. I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has a crazy schedule and deserves free time. You also deserve a break. If your husband won’t cut his hours, even by ten a week then that’s his choice and he loses out on free time. He needs to make choices about how he spends his time and how he interacts with his family. It sounds like he doesn’t really want a family. Your only choice is to outsource more. And for the love of god put that kid to bed earlier.. half you problems will be solved by getting that kid in bed no later than 8.

OP here. What good will putting him to bed at 8 solve? He needs exactly 11 hours of sleep per night. He's not going to sleep longer because of going to bed earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the way I see your situation. It's his loss. He's the one not spending time with his own child, or his own wife. Too bad for him. Go do fun things! Make a happy life with your kid. he can stay home and count his money.

OP here. One of the issues is that I can see DC is becoming aware and resentful of the lack of time DH spends with him, even though he's only 4. On the weekends DH loves to spend the day doing yardwork, or painting a room, etc. to escape and get some alone time in, but it's under the guise of doing helpful work around the house. I'm the one spending the entire day/night with DC and not getting a break on the weekends. Should we get a Saturday afternoon babysitter or something?

In the future I can see DC deciding not to be close with DH, not coming home during school breaks, moving far away, etc. That's what happened with me and my father and I don't feel fondly towards him.

That is unfortunate but this is not something you can fix without your husband changing something about how he approaches life. H omg a child is a big commitment and it sounds like he does not understand that he needs to spend time with his child in order to build a relationship. That is not going to occur conveniently for him, most likely.

Furthermore, does he seriously believe he’s the only lawyer in DC who
Has had to balance having a family and working? What arrogance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has a crazy schedule and deserves free time. You also deserve a break. If your husband won’t cut his hours, even by ten a week then that’s his choice and he loses out on free time. He needs to make choices about how he spends his time and how he interacts with his family. It sounds like he doesn’t really want a family. Your only choice is to outsource more. And for the love of god put that kid to bed earlier.. half you problems will be solved by getting that kid in bed no later than 8.

OP here. What good will putting him to bed at 8 solve? He needs exactly 11 hours of sleep per night. He's not going to sleep longer because of going to bed earlier.

OP, everything someone writes is immediately rejected. Why ask a question when you don’t want suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

Ok at this point you're just being a martyr. People have made several suggestions and you've shot every one of them down. You have the money to outsource the meals, laundry and cleaning and you don't need to be driving all over the place for a 4 year old's activities! Outsource as much as you can to get your own free time in and meet your DH somewhere in the middle. You're sure as hell not going to convince him to spend less free time on himself by attempting to restrict it.

[Anonymous]

I'm staying up late too while my DH is in bed already, it's unfair but I've made peace with it. I don't work and deal with a boss but I deal with the home grind. I do all the work at home and most weekends, when he travels. I cook 5-6 times week, driving, wake ups (have multiple kids). But I do outsource and treat myself.

I agree your DH is in the wrong and might be a detriment to your D.C. But work with what you have. Each situation (divorce, being right) is just a different set of problems.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation, DH complains he doesn't have enough free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

Ok at this point you're just being a martyr. People have made several suggestions and you've shot every one of them down. You have the money to outsource the meals, laundry and cleaning and you don't need to be driving all over the place for a 4 year old's activities! Outsource as much as you can to get your own free time in and meet your DH somewhere in the middle. You're sure as hell not going to convince him to spend less free time on himself by attempting to restrict it.

OP here. My free time isn't the issue though--I have enough free time for my liking per day, in the evenings when I stay up late. The issue is that DH feels he does not have enough free time. What would be the purpose of my outsourcing meals, laundry and cleaning when he doesn't do any of those things anyways? Is the purpose of that so I spend all my evening time with DC and DH spends even less time with DC but gets more of his own free time? My complaint is that DH doesn't spend enough time with DC and wants too much of his own free time given his career choices. I genuinely don't see how my outsourcing these things will get DH to spend more time with DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

Ok at this point you're just being a martyr. People have made several suggestions and you've shot every one of them down. You have the money to outsource the meals, laundry and cleaning and you don't need to be driving all over the place for a 4 year old's activities! Outsource as much as you can to get your own free time in and meet your DH somewhere in the middle. You're sure as hell not going to convince him to spend less free time on himself by attempting to restrict it.

OP here. My free time isn't the issue though--I have enough free time for my liking per day, in the evenings when I stay up late. The issue is that DH feels he does not have enough free time. What would be the purpose of my outsourcing meals, laundry and cleaning when he doesn't do any of those things anyways? Is the purpose of that so I spend all my evening time with DC and DH spends even less time with DC but gets more of his own free time? My complaint is that DH doesn't spend enough time with DC and wants too much of his own free time given his career choices. I genuinely don't see how my outsourcing these things will get DH to spend more time with DC.

Good lord, lady. Maybe he's just telling you that so he doesn't have to hang out with you. You seem exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the way I see your situation. It's his loss. He's the one not spending time with his own child, or his own wife. Too bad for him. Go do fun things! Make a happy life with your kid. he can stay home and count his money.

OP here. One of the issues is that I can see DC is becoming aware and resentful of the lack of time DH spends with him, even though he's only 4. On the weekends DH loves to spend the day doing yardwork, or painting a room, etc. to escape and get some alone time in, but it's under the guise of doing helpful work around the house. I'm the one spending the entire day/night with DC and not getting a break on the weekends. Should we get a Saturday afternoon babysitter or something?

In the future I can see DC deciding not to be close with DH, not coming home during school breaks, moving far away, etc. That's what happened with me and my father and I don't feel fondly towards him.

PP you responded to. My father is the most introverted, asocial man alive and I love him very much indeed. He didn't actually talk to me on most days, let alone do many things with me. Yet I knew he loved and cared for me. Please be aware that your past experience may not be your son's, and DO NOT COLOR HIS OPINIONS FOR HIM. Stop trying to lean on your spouse for things he cannot give! If you can't stand to be alone with your child all the time, then by all means, get a sitter and go out with your friends instead.

You have to stop the whining, OP. The situation you describe is only sad if you make it sad. Do any of you have life-threatening illnesses, are you going bankrupt, is your spouse cheating on you or planning to leave you with no money? OK, so make it work. You only have one life.