How much free time is reasonable per day in this situation?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spent tons of time with DC when he was a baby and toddler. It's as if he enjoyed those ages more than the preschool years. I remember he would come home from work and spend his entire evening with DC when he was a toddler, playing in the playroom together. I think either DH's energy level has tanked in the last few years, or he's burned out from work, or he doesn't enjoy these older ages when DC is more demanding/interactive (i.e. constant chatter and questions vs. the non-speaking ages of the baby and toddler years). DH always complains that DC doesn't "play well" with him, meaning that DC is bossy and demanding in his play and that DC says mean things to DH (which is true).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

That is his free time. If he chooses to spend it on a sport, that is up to him. Frankly, if he wants more personal time, he should dispense with the bother of having a wife and child. He can have plenty of personal time as a divorced man who pays a shitlod of alimony and child support due to abandoning his family.

+1

He already has his free time. If he wants more, then he can cut back his work hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

That is his free time. If he chooses to spend it on a sport, that is up to him. Frankly, if he wants more personal time, he should dispense with the bother of having a wife and child. He can have plenty of personal time as a divorced man who pays a shitlod of alimony and child support due to abandoning his family.

Agree. ANYONE who lives with someone simply won't have two HOURS each DAY by themselves. Adding in a guy who works 70 hours a week? He'd be lucky to get 2 hours per WEEK alone. My husband is also a law firm partner and once or twice a week he will play basketball or something with guys. All his other time, he's with me and or the kids. I asked him once when his "alone time" is and he looked really surprised. "The shower, when I'm cooking, commuting...."

[Anonymous]

2 suggestions OP:
Have only the 1 kid, or expect more of the same.
And, when the time comes, hire a divorce lawyer from a different firm than his. Geeeez

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

Agree. ANYONE who lives with someone simply won't have two HOURS each DAY by themselves. Adding in a guy who works 70 hours a week? He'd be lucky to get 2 hours per WEEK alone. My husband is also a law firm partner and once or twice a week he will play basketball or something with guys. All his other time, he's with me and or the kids. I asked him once when his "alone time" is and he looked really surprised. "The shower, when I'm cooking, commuting...."

OP here. My husband just doesn't think like that, he feels he is entitled to his special free time and if he doesn't get it he's ornery. He does spend a lot of time commuting, and I know he listens to music but maybe he would feel like he got some personal time if he listened to books on tape or learned a language with all his time in the car (2 hours per day). And no he is not interested in moving closer to the office. We already discussed that a few years ago and he said absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

WHen he complains it’s not “fair” you get free time because you stay up late, do you point out that he also has the time, he just chooses to spend it on work instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 suggestions OP:
Have only the 1 kid, or expect more of the same.
And, when the time comes, hire a divorce lawyer from a different firm than his. Geeeez

OP here. We can't have anymore kids. I spent the last few years completely devastated about this, but sometimes I wonder if it's for the best that we can't have a second given his work situation and attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHen he complains it’s not “fair” you get free time because you stay up late, do you point out that he also has the time, he just chooses to spend it on work instead?

OP here. Well he does not do any work from home most of the time. He would respond that he comes home after his work hours are done, and that he should get his free time when he comes home.

[Anonymous]

How exactly does he want to spend this free time? Is it locked away in the study while you’re outside wrangling DC with dinner/bath/bedtime routine? Or does he want to use the time to go out to the gym/dinner/drinks with buddy’s?

I agree that he needs to spend time with DC but could the focus be on quality time rather than quantity? My dad worked very long hours (emergency doctor – crazy hours and overtime) when I was a child but I have a lot of good memories. On his spare weekends we would spend a lot of time as a family on outings – like going to national parks, the zoo , etc. Could you come to a compromise? I.e. he gets more alone time during the week and in return weekends are strictly for family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How exactly does he want to spend this free time? Is it locked away in the study while you’re outside wrangling DC with dinner/bath/bedtime routine? Or does he want to use the time to go out to the gym/dinner/drinks with buddy’s?

OP here. He wants to do the following with his free time: more time on his sport hobby, more working out (home gym), more yardwork (his choice not to outsource--we outsource mowing but not planting/gardening, which he prefers to do himself), reading. Nothing social--he has zero friends, he does not have the time/interest to make any. We always eat together when he is home (so we eat together on average 4 nights per week). I do bath/bedtime routine by myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I agree that he needs to spend time with DC but could the focus be on quality time rather than quantity? My dad worked very long hours (emergency doctor – crazy hours and overtime) when I was a child but I have a lot of good memories. On his spare weekends we would spend a lot of time as a family on outings – like going to national parks, the zoo , etc. Could you come to a compromise? I.e. he gets more alone time during the week and in return weekends are strictly for family.

OP here. I would prefer that he get more alone time on the weekends (the few that he isn't working per month) and less during the week. What DC wants/needs is more one-on-one interactive time playing with DH in the evenings. On the weekends we are busy with DC's sports activities (DH and I each take him to one activity while the other has alone time). In addition, I often give DH some extra alone time and take DC to meet up with my friends and their kids to do something fun (zoo, playground, brunch, etc.) DH rarely wants to participate in these kinds of things so he is happy to stay home and do yardwork. The weekend is when I have my social time with friends with kids. We do things all together about once per weekend (when DH is home).

[Anonymous]

Op it sound awful. Tell him to figure out how to get more “him” time. Not sure what he wants you to do about it.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure OP would be fine if he gave up his six figure job for a $60K job so he can spend more time with his child.

Isn’t that right, OP?

I’m not sure what women expect sometimes. Someone with high paying career is going to work long hours and be stressed out. If you want a man who spends more time with his kids, then obviously don’t marry an ambitious attorney. Marry the guy with the steady job and modest salary.

But go ahead and take the usual toxic DCUM advice to “divorce him.” I’m the sure the alimony will be terrific. Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure OP would be fine if he gave up his six figure job for a $60K job so he can spend more time with his child.

Isn’t that right, OP?

I’m not sure what women expect sometimes. Someone with high paying career is going to work long hours and be stressed out. If you want a man who spends more time with his kids, then obviously don’t marry an ambitious attorney. Marry the guy with the steady job and modest salary.

But go ahead and take the usual toxic DCUM advice to “divorce him.” I’m the sure the alimony will be terrific. Congratulations.

This this this!

OP you sound insufferable. And so disagreeable to even the slightest comment against you. Your husband works crazy hours in a high pressure job. FFS let the man have his “sport hobby” (god, you’re so condescending when you say that) and some GD free time the way he wants it. Or sacrifice his paycheck. I’m sure he’d love less hours and less stress. But mommy’s got to have her Escalade and $200 jeans, right?

[Anonymous]

Law firm partners outsource yard work and housecleaningz