How much free time is reasonable per day in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

This is a horrible sentiment.

You think his son should go all week without seeing dad so dad can have more "me" time.

How selfish.

How immature.

How unworthy of being a parent.

If he wants more "me" time he needs to change his work hours to hours that make being a parent possible.

He (and anyone who thinks the bolded part is reasonable) should not have chosen to become a parent if me time is more important than seeing your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

I pointed this out a few pages ago. I don't understand why everyone is acting as if OP is completely in the right here. She has engineered HER schedule at the expense of her DH's. It's bizarre that everyone is okay with that.

Sure, DH isn't prioritizing evenings with the kid. That's okay. Everyone will survive. This is true for the vast majority of biglaw partners. Nature of the beast.

Dad chose to become a parent.

He and you are completely unreasonable.

He can always work.

He is rapidly losing the opportunity to be a parent. In 4 or 5 years his kid won't even care to be around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Where is daddy?" is created by OP. She is playing some fantasy in her head where kids play with adults and by this form some great bond. Time for kid to spend more time in preschool and form his own friendships, so the questions become "Can Larlo come over?". I know, probably, one adult who is capable of playing with a four year old, unless it's a board game or building/creating something, which is more of a weekend activity. Adults are boring anyway.
OP even thinks that an adult babysitter is, somehow, better. She can find several teenage girls for $20/hour, who would gladly take the job (several, so one would be available). This is how my kid's babysitting gig works, can be scheduled, can be last minute.

You can tell yourself whatever you want to justify ignoring your kids for more "important" things.

But the facts are that for ages 8 ish and under, and most certainly at age 4, parents are the center of a kids' world.

[Anonymous]

Change the kid’s schedule from 9-8:30 to 7:30pm-7am.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: [b]That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. [/b] This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

This is a horrible sentiment.

You think his son should go all week without seeing dad so dad can have more "me" time.

How selfish.

How immature.

How unworthy of being a parent.

If he wants more "me" time he needs to change his work hours to hours that make being a parent possible.

He (and anyone who thinks the bolded part is reasonable) should not have chosen to become a parent if me time is more important than seeing your kid.

NP. A four year old should be asleep by 8 pm because that's a reasonable bedtime for that age. The fact that this child is sleeping in so late shows why his current schedule is an issue - preschools start almost universally by 8:30 am so he might as well adjust to that reality now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change the kid’s schedule from 9-8:30 to 7:30pm-7am.

Problem solved.

Dad doesn't get home until 8:00.

So the "problem" of dad being forced to see his son during the week may be "solved."

But that will just create bigger neglect issues down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making time for yourself by staying up till 1 am and then functioning the next day. If he wants more "alone time" he needs to work it into his schedule. I have always needed about 2 hours at night after the kids go to bed, and Ive been a stay at home mom and a full time working single parent. You have to make "you" time. If its at night or early am. Your have a small child, the amount of sleep you get is not ideal for years

But the OP makes this impossible because she makes sure the son is awake during all of her DH's awake time at home. Unlike OP, her DH does not have the luxury of being able to sleep in until 8 or later in the morning. He has a job he needs to get to. So yea, it's all fun that OP stays up until 1am -- but she still gets 7 hours or more sleep a night. If her DH stayed up until then, he'd only get 5.5 hours a night -- which is not enough to be a good lawyer.

Her DH has a totally reasonable request: [b]That when he get home at 8pm, his DS will be in bed so DH can have 1.5 hours to himself before starting the grind again. [/b] This is totally reasonable, and is the schedule that happens in the vast majority of homes where one spouse works long hours. Very few people want to get up at 6:30am, work a 12 hour day, and then come home to have to play with a four year old. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid.

This is a horrible sentiment.

You think his son should go all week without seeing dad so dad can have more "me" time.

How selfish.

How immature.

How unworthy of being a parent.

If he wants more "me" time he needs to change his work hours to hours that make being a parent possible.

He (and anyone who thinks the bolded part is reasonable) should not have chosen to become a parent if me time is more important than seeing your kid.

NP. A four year old should be asleep by 8 pm because that's a reasonable bedtime for that age. The fact that this child is sleeping in so late shows why his current schedule is an issue - preschools start almost universally by 8:30 am so he might as well adjust to that reality now.

8:00-9:00 is a reasonable bedtime for a 4 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change the kid’s schedule from 9-8:30 to 7:30pm-7am.

Problem solved.

Dad doesn't get home until 8:00.

So the "problem" of dad being forced to see his son during the week may be "solved."

But that will just create bigger neglect issues down the road.

OP married a high earning workaholic. What did she expect? I’m sure she has no trouble spending his money...

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, don’t have a second kid with this guy. He isn’t interested in you or the first one. It’s nice he provides a nice life but when he is sleeping with his paralegal in five years you will be the one getting screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds overworked, overstimulated (too social a job for an introvert?) and exhausted.

You mention that his office is too far away to manage lunch dates, which suggests that commute is a window where time can be recaptured. I would seriously consider moving closer in towards the job, so that he spends less time in his commute and more time at home. Everyone likes the suburbs, I get it. But with one kid, city life is manageable and worth the family time the shorter commute provides.

I agree your four year old is up WAY too late. My four year old goes to bed by 7, maybe 7:30 in the summer. You say this doesn't affect his 11 hour sleep window, but if he is starting K in the fall, or even just preschool, sleeping in til 8:30 as he currently is won't work anyway. Even if you move bedtime to 8, that's a full hour of kid-free quiet time that your husband can enjoy without any angst, before he goes to bed at 9.

Switch the sports to the weekdays and handle those runs yourself. The hour your son is in soccer is not bonding time with his dad. He could spend that Saturday hour weeding with his dad instead. My husband LOVES yard work, and my kids love spending time with him, so they do a lot of mulching and trimming and weeding together - yes, even at age 4.

Agree that it sounds like the husband is an introvert who isn't getting the alone time he needs to recharge. Agree with a previous poster that given what he's saying he wants, the only place really to budge is time with your child.

I doubt playing Cat's Cradle is going to do it. Can you try giving him the alone time he says he needs - either with outsourcing or whatever other resources you have - and see if that helps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds overworked, overstimulated (too social a job for an introvert?) and exhausted.

You mention that his office is too far away to manage lunch dates, which suggests that commute is a window where time can be recaptured. I would seriously consider moving closer in towards the job, so that he spends less time in his commute and more time at home. Everyone likes the suburbs, I get it. But with one kid, city life is manageable and worth the family time the shorter commute provides.

I agree your four year old is up WAY too late. My four year old goes to bed by 7, maybe 7:30 in the summer. You say this doesn't affect his 11 hour sleep window, but if he is starting K in the fall, or even just preschool, sleeping in til 8:30 as he currently is won't work anyway. Even if you move bedtime to 8, that's a full hour of kid-free quiet time that your husband can enjoy without any angst, before he goes to bed at 9.

Switch the sports to the weekdays and handle those runs yourself. The hour your son is in soccer is not bonding time with his dad. He could spend that Saturday hour weeding with his dad instead. My husband LOVES yard work, and my kids love spending time with him, so they do a lot of mulching and trimming and weeding together - yes, even at age 4.

Agree that it sounds like the husband is an introvert who isn't getting the alone time he needs to recharge. Agree with a previous poster that given what he's saying he wants, the only place really to budge is time with your child.

I doubt playing Cat's Cradle is going to do it. Can you try giving him the alone time he says he needs - either with outsourcing or whatever other resources you have - and see if that helps?

^ pp again - but yeah, man, does that sound sad for a kid never to see his dad at that age. still - law partner's a law partner. what can you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds overworked, overstimulated (too social a job for an introvert?) and exhausted.

You mention that his office is too far away to manage lunch dates, which suggests that commute is a window where time can be recaptured. I would seriously consider moving closer in towards the job, so that he spends less time in his commute and more time at home. Everyone likes the suburbs, I get it. But with one kid, city life is manageable and worth the family time the shorter commute provides.

I agree your four year old is up WAY too late. My four year old goes to bed by 7, maybe 7:30 in the summer. You say this doesn't affect his 11 hour sleep window, but if he is starting K in the fall, or even just preschool, sleeping in til 8:30 as he currently is won't work anyway. Even if you move bedtime to 8, that's a full hour of kid-free quiet time that your husband can enjoy without any angst, before he goes to bed at 9.

Switch the sports to the weekdays and handle those runs yourself. The hour your son is in soccer is not bonding time with his dad. He could spend that Saturday hour weeding with his dad instead. My husband LOVES yard work, and my kids love spending time with him, so they do a lot of mulching and trimming and weeding together - yes, even at age 4.

Agree that it sounds like the husband is an introvert who isn't getting the alone time he needs to recharge. Agree with a previous poster that given what he's saying he wants, the only place really to budge is time with your child.

I doubt playing Cat's Cradle is going to do it. Can you try giving him the alone time he says he needs - either with outsourcing or whatever other resources you have - and see if that helps?

OP says there is nothing to outsource.

Everything that has to be done is done while he is at work.

He doesn't love or care to spend time with his kid. He sees his kid as no more important than an accessory or a golf club. Actually, less important than a golf club (or softball bat or soccer ball).

The kid is an afterthought to him that comes very low on his priority list, below work, below fun, below sitting on the couch eating cheetos. That much is obvious.

How sad for that child.

OP, you have to make it clear to him how much he is hurting the child he chose to conceive.

If he still sees his kid as an inconvinence, you might need to move on from.him and find this child a dad who will love him.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it sounds like the husband is an introvert who isn't getting the alone time he needs to recharge. Agree with a previous poster that given what he's saying he wants, the only place really to budge is time with your child.

I doubt playing Cat's Cradle is going to do it. Can you try giving him the alone time he says he needs - either with outsourcing or whatever other resources you have - and see if that helps?

There is no outsourcing. The issue is that he wont budge on his hobby, his work hours, or his insistence to stay where they are and commute 2 hours a day or that he isthe one to do all the yard work on the weekends rather than family time because he wants it. So the only thing that has wiggle room is the 1 hour a day he sees his child--he wants out of that too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

so, when does DH spend time with his child? Sounds like 2-3 nights a week he doesn't see DC at all. 1 night /week average he is traveling. He doesn't see DC in the mornings. So basically he sees DC 2-3 hours (6 -9pm) average 2 nights per weekday week and then on the weekends? How much on the weekends?

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever answer the question about how DH felt about having a kid in the first place?