husband meeting up with female trainer and friends tonight out of town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not giving any advice or anything but when it comes to male and female relations their is a big disconnect and it's important for each to better understand common perspective and emotions of each side.

Successful men are driven to have multiple sex partners. They have to battle that natural instinct in order to have a organized and peaceful home life. Under the organized and peaceful home life is a major sexual let down and feeling of inadequacy unless there has been release with a few affairs/hookers or one nighters. Men can love their wives and family more than anything and not be phased by the affair / hookup in the least.

Women usually don't engage in extramarital sex unless it has a highly emotional bond involved. If a woman cheats, it usually means the marriage is already over and she is literally no longer in love with her spouse. A woman carries this outlook and applies it to her cheating spouse because it is the only thing she knows and cannot fathom a mans perspective and hormones.

Not making any recommendations ... But when making decisions that will gravely effect the quality of life and have extensive ramifications it is VERY important to deal with life the way it actually is as opposed to how you believe it should be. Once both partners understand what each other deals with they could actually talk about things that would make them very close and honest.

When you think about it.. The whole "boundaries" and unspoken truths relationships people organize their lives with do not lead to closeness. There is a major wall between most spouses and in many ways the whole thing is just a monetary/management partnership with a good bit of fake posturing.

What a bunch of bullshit. How about, be a grown-up and honor your vows to your wife? This type of pop-cultural justificationlets men off the hook because its somehow “biological” for them to cheat because they are “successful”. It also infantilizes man — Its ok they just can’t help it, they can’t keep it in their pants because they make a lot of money.

+1. I majored in biological anthropology, and these “armchair anthropologists” drive me nuts. Same as people who espouse the paleo diet because they have some romantic notion of what early human behavior was, without ever having read a scientific paper. Females are just as biologically inclined to “cheat” as males are. We’ve just been programmed by culture to have certain beliefs about male and female behavior. Often these beliefs don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny.

It’s fine if you don’t want to be monogamous- just don’t get married- but don’t use BS pop psych “science” to rationalize being a douchebag.

Standing ovation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well now I’m upset all over . I asked him last night to give me her name but then we got sidetracked. He said she’s “not all that attractive.” Well this am I asked again her name, looked her up on social media and she’s drop dead gorgeous. Like could easily be a model and extremely fit. So that was a lie...

Gee. I didn’t see that coming at all.

Right? Such a shocker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well now I’m upset all over . I asked him last night to give me her name but then we got sidetracked. He said she’s “not all that attractive.” Well this am I asked again her name, looked her up on social media and she’s drop dead gorgeous. Like could easily be a model and extremely fit. So that was a lie...

Of course she’s fit. He likely didn’t want to say “she’s hot as hell!” I agree he lied but am not surprised he felt he needed to.

Can I ask you why you care if he cheats? I’m NOT saying you should let him, but what is the issue? You’re afraid he’ll find someone better and leave you? You don’t want to worry about VD? You feel rejected if he sleeps with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well now I’m upset all over . I asked him last night to give me her name but then we got sidetracked. He said she’s “not all that attractive.” Well this am I asked again her name, looked her up on social media and she’s drop dead gorgeous. Like could easily be a model and extremely fit. So that was a lie...

She's a trainer, I would hope she's very fit.

That being said, how many times are you going to let him lie to you? I think you need to decide when enough is enough. Then stick with whatever that is.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. This goes without saying, but he does not get to have the cool, chill, laidback understanding wife who trusts his judgment - he has done the opposite of earn that.

Honestly based on your back and forth communications he doesn't respect you at all, and I'm not sure that you guys can come back from this (or that you should even want to). What is being in this marriage doing for you?

[Anonymous]

Of course she is gorgeous--why would he decide to meet up with his homely female trainer while in Vegas? What frisson is in that? Even if he is not conscious of it, of course he's creating a tempting situation for himself.

OP, what I see is disturbing is the way he parses truth. He may not have hooked up with her or even 'planned' to--but at some level of course he knows it is inappropriate, and furthermore, given the history you have shared he should be highly aware of what it means to put himself in these situations--which sounds like Paris, right? He's there, he's away from home, there's a beautiful woman, he got carried away, etc--I'm guessing that when you discussed this he abnegated responsibility--didn't mean for it to happen, got caught up in the fantasy etc--all explanations that refuse to assume responsibility for putting himself in the position in the first place.

also problematic is that he blames you for being crazy about being upset about this. If he had no history of inappropriate relationships, I might give it a pass but I would *still* be on edge. But in this situation, he should have never made this plan in the first place and if he did and you said something he should have immediately said "you're right, I'm so sorry. I love you and definitely am not planning on anything but I can see how my actions would make you uncomfortable." to put the onus on you for policing the marriage is not good and unfair.

as another poster said, he can be full of contradiction: sincere, loving, but also dishonest. He starts by lying to himself--'nothing going on' but even making the plan is, for him, naughty and exciting.

[Anonymous]

Lock his a** out of the house!!!!! Get an emergency locksmith over there today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lock his a** out of the house!!!!! Get an emergency locksmith over there today.

And I just keep saying this because this is just the beginning of all the craziness. If you don't claim the kids and the house on this severe onswt of adultery and abuse, you will fight for all of it harder. Kick him out. Don't let him in. Don't offer for him to see the kids, but don't let him in the house. Get a lawyer ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lock his a** out of the house!!!!! Get an emergency locksmith over there today.

And I just keep saying this because this is just the beginning of all the craziness. If you don't claim the kids and the house on this severe onswt of adultery and abuse, you will fight for all of it harder. Kick him out. Don't let him in. Don't offer for him to see the kids, but don't let him in the house. Get a lawyer ASAP.

It doesn't mean it is over. But it says you are in control. He will shape up or ship out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he's misleading and gaslighting you. I wouldn't blow your stack again (the advice about Chumplady and the 180 is solid), but I'd make sure you're prepared to leave if you decide to leave. That means knowing all the financials, knowing which lawyer you'd choose, etc.

+1 DCUM can see that it's only a matter of time before he cheats - if he hasn't already. What a PP said about compartmentalizing is correct....but probably not enough for you in a relationship. You seem to want someone trustworthy and monogamous. That's not your husband.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those that say get out and leave his ass, but I don't think you're going to. But you should get tested for STDs both now and later. At least do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Keep your psychobabble worldview. My experience with adult men has never reflected the warped dynamic you’re talking about. People in adult relationships don’t resort to tired gender tropes."

You are a bully. No man in his right mind would ever speak his heart to you that's why you never have and never will truly know a man.

So truly knowing men means accepting that at their core, men are zombies driven solely by their penis? That’s pretty sexist. I know a lot of men who would be very offended by that. I’ve heard most of my male friends complain that they hate society’s view that men are 100% sex-driven.

Leave 5% for alcohol and 10% for sports, so maybe 85% sex driven? Until they're 50 or so, then its pretty much 100% their 401K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait the personal trainer just happens to be in vegas the exact same time as your DH's business trip?
Um..ok. that's one h ec of a coincidence.

And your dh showed interest in meeting up with her and her friends while there?
Why? Do they have a lot in common? It's not really something that crosses my mind to meet with my trainer during my limited down time on a business trip

Yeah I know pretty unbelievable

I'm all the more amazed that your husband would even share all this info with you? Kinda crazy!

Why do you think he did?

Are you asking me or OP? I get the impression (if this isn't a troll thread) that the husband assumes that his wife will put up with his crap and so he has no qualms about sharing such incriminating news. Next thing he'll be telling her, "Damn, we got drunk and actually slept together. But it's ok because it was a one-night stand".

Op here. I can assure you none of this is flying with me and the latter would mean his mom comes out ASAP to stay with the kids and I would move out and contact a divorce lawyer Monday am. I’m really not a pushbover

OP, whatever you do, DON'T MOVE OUT. Depending on your state law "abandoning" the marital home could have financial consequences and at a minimum you will upset the children more and lose a lot of control. I've read through the whole 7 pages and I would have the locks changed today. He is the one who needs to move out. You stay put with the kids in your/their home. Let him know a few hours before he boards his flight home that he needs to arrange for a hotel when he gets back and he will not be staying in the house until you have gone to counselling, a lawyer or whatever you decide. And yeah, I'd also be getting a PI and a forensic accountant to see what he's up to. Google Las Vegas Private Investigator - there is still time to get one in LV and find out for sure what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lock his a** out of the house!!!!! Get an emergency locksmith over there today.

And I just keep saying this because this is just the beginning of all the craziness. If you don't claim the kids and the house on this severe onswt of adultery and abuse, you will fight for all of it harder. Kick him out. Don't let him in. Don't offer for him to see the kids, but don't let him in the house. Get a lawyer ASAP.

Some really bad advice here. He can also lock you out. He can call the police if you locked him out. He can file for full custody if you don't provide equal parenting time for him.

Face it lady, your husband has game and you must have known that when you married him. Women are dropping their panties all over the place to be with him.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised he is so honest with you. If I were planning on cheating I would never mention a thing. Maybe he just likes the idea that he could - he wants to have fun, live free for a night. Doesn’t mean he is hooking up. They could be friends. Btw. Is your husband as equally as hot and in shape as the trainer? I doubt it. You either trust him or you don’t. Just let him go and have fun. It means you have the same relaxed situation if it arises for you.