BF's daughter and kids living with us (misery)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Everybody you know had a dad help them get a job, that is how it works.

Hahaha. NO.

[Anonymous]

OP, the current situation does sound miserable.

Having your place to move into is so important--that was either really smart to keep it, or fortuitous it worked out that way. Right now you are trapped in a living situation you don't want, and I don't think you should keep yourself in that situation.

Your BF has promised some important things, and maybe he will even fulfill them. However, from the outside it seems clear to me that you should NOT keep living together for now. It's key not only to use words but behavior to show that you mean business. You can always move in with him again later if things are going well and the situation has changed.

He's promising a sea change in how he deals with his daughter. It's going to be hard when he's tested. If he's been caving into her and catering to her, he sounds like someone who wants to make people happy. Now you're miserable so he's telling you what you need to hear so that you're happy. What's going to happen if you stay, rent out your other place, and then something happens with the daughter (because it will), and then he has to choose between making you happy or his child? Don't put him or you in that position, with you having no leverage except for words.

I'd move out, tell him you truly hope the situation improves and that he lives up to what he's saying, that you'll support him in that, you want to be together. But you need some space right now and the safety of a positive living situation with the assurances that the past won't repeat. Then get together when you can, enjoy your time together--and watch what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you so much for all the responses. Just to clarify a few issues. The age difference has never been an issue for us. I don't want children and marriage has never been a priority to me. I was very happy living together. He has 2 kids and does not want anymore so that worked for us. No relationship is perfect but until his daughter moved in I would say we were stable and happy for the most part. Now I resent the hell out of him. The steps he is taking now I wish he has taken 5.5 months ago. I know he is trying. I know that.

We talked yesterday and he said she will be taking college courses this summer and he is trying really hard to find her a job. He acknowledged that he made some huge mistakes and that he wants to do right by me and by his daughter and grandkids, He says he is going to get his daughter her own place and he will pay her expenses for the next 6 months. He wants to find her the right place. He said if it was just her he would be tempted to get her the cheapest studio even if it was in the ghetto but he needs to consider the grandkids. He is taking his daughter to look at some places today that are in a nice areas. He is only getting her a 1 bedroom apartment and told her she would have to make due with that and that pissed her off but he shut her down so that is a good step.

I'm not gonna lie I am thrilled at the prospect of her moving out. He swears that in 6 months if she is not independent he is not going to let her move back in his house. He said he might continue to pay her bills if she is going to school but she will not move back into the house. He also said he will make sure she knows not to come by without calling and to never assume she can just drop her kids off. He says she will be out of the house by the end of next week. Am I crazy to consider staying or should I keep packing?

Yes, you are crazy to consider staying. My friend, who is 50, has a husband that has adult children from a previous marriage. One daughter has been a constant issue in their marriage and they have financially supported her on and off for years. The daughter is now asking to move in to their home, with her 6 yo dd, and my friend is sick about it. This woman in in her late 30s and has always been financially unstable. She will likely never want to leave because it would be a very comfortable situation for her with free babysitting.

OP, from the way you describe your bf's dd, she sounds entitled and that she thinks the world owes her something. This type never gets it and will always be a hot mess. You are far too young and can easily find a man that does not present these issues.

[Anonymous]

I'd move out and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

My parents, extended family, friends, etc... NEVER did that for me. I found my own jobs.

+1. Also, OP said that the BF was filling out applications for his daughter. Seriously? She is a 25-year-old mother with a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. Imagine the advice DCUM would give to this woman if she posted her side of the story: My dad is making me find a job and move out so he can stay with his girlfriend. He wants me to move into a 1 BR condo, clean up after myself, and he made me sign a custody agreement giving my ex-husband 50/50 custody.

[Anonymous]

OP, the problem of the daughter does not go away. It just grows greater over time.

I would move out, give 6 months to a year, and see how things go.

If things improve and BF's DD begins managing her life responsibly for a decent period of time (8-12 months+), only then would I reopen the door to considering moving back in.

There is no risk of your moving out, only reward and incentive for your BF to further push DD out of the nest. You can rent your condo at any time.

If their relationship dynamic doesn't improve, you won't have the drama of packing and moving out, getting a tenant out of your house, etc.

And it will be easier to open the relationship to dating other people if you are in your own space again. If things get to that point with you and your boyfriend.

I do think if you have something great, it is not worth throwing away, because that is not easy to find. I also agree with PPs saying that your situation (32, no kids, stable, etc) would be appealing to a lot of men without as much baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's trying, and he sounds like a good dad and person.

But... you are 32. This is a lot of drama and complication for a 32yo. What do you see as your future with him? If not marriage, then cut bait now and move on.

I have a few friends who met and married older divorced men with kids, and they have messy lives. Some turned out great. Some are still very messy and I think they have regrets.

This. I'm 41 and I date divorced dads because there are so few non divorced dads in my dating pool. But at 32? No way. You can find someone without that baggage. Stop wasting your thirties on this mess.

You have no idea. the market out there for available me who want sometime more than a quick tinder fu&k is so slim. The men have all of the advantage. it is really really awful out there. By the time you are 32, the pickings have gotten really slim. It is no surprise a 32yr old is dating a 44yr old grandpa. Most men do not want a commitment in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, there are some of you here clearly relying on the bank of Daddy and sooo scared and salty at the idea that’s the bank of Daddy might go away! Get jobs, people. Stop mooching off your parents and let them have a life.

What are you talking about? Most of us are middle aged moms. I'm 41yrs old and have a white collar job, making well into 6 figures. I'm a typical DCUM demographic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, there are some of you here clearly relying on the bank of Daddy and sooo scared and salty at the idea that’s the bank of Daddy might go away! Get jobs, people. Stop mooching off your parents and let them have a life.

What are you talking about? Most of us are middle aged moms. I'm 41yrs old and have a white collar job, making well into 6 figures. I'm a typical DCUM demographic.

Ditto. Another typical DCUM. Middle age and I have my own money.

I did not read the entire thread, but if OP is not married after living with BF for 6 years, it's time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

My parents, extended family, friends, etc... NEVER did that for me. I found my own jobs.

As a leader at a large local IT company, I can tell you FOR SURE that parents help kids find jobs. We will fill our entry level jobs come June 1 with a large number of new hires fresh out of college, most of them friends of friends. Economic generational privileged is alive and well. My parents were never in a position to help me, but I do have one boy going to West Point this Fall and I definitely helped pave the way with help from the many colleagues I've had over the years that are alumni. I helped plant the seeds early with positioning the boys in excellent service opportunities that gave them exposure.

Do I think the advantage is fair? absolutely not. However, it does not mean I will waste the opportunity I have to help put my kids on the most successful track possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

My parents, extended family, friends, etc... NEVER did that for me. I found my own jobs.

As a leader at a large local IT company, I can tell you FOR SURE that parents help kids find jobs. We will fill our entry level jobs come June 1 with a large number of new hires fresh out of college, most of them friends of friends. Economic generational privileged is alive and well. My parents were never in a position to help me, but I do have one boy going to West Point this Fall and I definitely helped pave the way with help from the many colleagues I've had over the years that are alumni. I helped plant the seeds early with positioning the boys in excellent service opportunities that gave them exposure.

Do I think the advantage is fair? absolutely not. However, it does not mean I will waste the opportunity I have to help put my kids on the most successful track possible.

Did you have parents filling out job applications? Did they come to the interviews? I thinks a reference or referral is fine if the parent is in a position to provide that, but the OP stated that her BF was literally completing applications for his daughter. I think that is way over the line and no reasonable employer would even consider hiring someone like that.

[Anonymous]

You are correct. Keep on keeping on OP. If you miss him later, than you'll cross that bridge when you get to it.


His first obligation is not to enable an adult. She is 24, not 16.

Also, whatever you do, I wouldn't marry him.

[Anonymous]

He's telling you what you want to hear. Only time and experience will show if he can do it. Maybe he even means it right now but won't be able to follow through.

Move out. If you still want to be with him, try to be, and see how it goes.

Don't stay and hope he changes.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend lets his daughter walk all over him. It’s a ridiculous situation. Good for you— move out and see what happens. If he makes good on his promises, then that’s great.

[Anonymous]

Yes, move back into your condo when it is available.

Then after a long day of hard work, you can enjoy coming home to a clean + quiet home.
You deserve it after all!!

Living life w/so much chaos going on along w/a messy external environment can be quite hellish.

Your boyfriend needs to get his life back to his own before you should even “consider” moving back into his house?