BF's daughter and kids living with us (misery)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear, OP, your boyfriend has parent guilt--probably because of the divorce from the kids mom, He wasn't around, blah, blah, blah. Because you 2 aren't married, you have no power. This doesn't make him a bad guy and it appears he is trying to be a good guy to his daughter. The unknown is if the daughter is able to step up and get her life together. 6 months in and it doesn't look positive.

Kudos to you for having a condo, a job and the means to make a change. Don't allow him to move into your condo.

Hell, if she WAS married to him, she'd have even less power. Right now she can just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever want to have your own family? Your own children? If yes, you need to drop this guy yesterday. Look for someone your own age without the grandparent baggage.

This!

[Anonymous]

OP is not a parent, but knows exactly what people who ARE parents are doing wrong with their children -- nothing new here.

OP, you should bail because you will never be able to defer to your boyfriend's judgment regarding his children. I don't see things improving if the two of you have children together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Way to go keeping the condo OP and giving him an ultimatum.

I will say this, 6 months doesn't seem like a super-long time for me as I know parents who have been supporting slackers for years. And since he has clearly put in an effort to make his daughter stand on her own and win you back, I think you should work with him.

A) Maybe get her a minimum wage job at a local store like Target or TJ Maxx and move her and the kid into a small apartment.

B) Assuming this is a low COL area let your BF help her pay half her rent and you can get a new renter in May to stay in the house.

I WOULDN'T let him move in with you as suggested above and the daughter keep the house while he still pays it - recipe for disaster.

OP cannot get someone else a job. Where does this idea even come from? Further, if OP were to step in and somehow get her a job and get her an apartment and arrange for her BF to pay half the rent for her, that would be at least as enabling as what the BF is doing now, which is a horrible idea.

OP, you're making the right choice by moving out. This situation isn't likely to get better, and it's definitely not going to get better if the other people involved have no incentive to change it.

It's minimum wage aisle-stuffer. All she needs is two hands and to fill out an application. As for the helping out part, set time limits on it or something. Anything to get that grown woman out of her father's home. I don't know what the rest of you are bitching about - you let your children stay with you and considering 'returning home' a badge of honor.

[Anonymous]

He's trying, and he sounds like a good dad and person.

But... you are 32. This is a lot of drama and complication for a 32yo. What do you see as your future with him? If not marriage, then cut bait now and move on.

I have a few friends who met and married older divorced men with kids, and they have messy lives. Some turned out great. Some are still very messy and I think they have regrets.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad to hear that you own a place and have the financial wherewithal to support yourself. So-ooo many women become financial dependent on a man and can't give themselves options like you. I do think you should move out but not necessarily break up. Maybe he can still figure out a way to support his daughter without enabling her and preventing her from ever launching. You sound like a kind person who has just had enough. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This is why I could never get serious with someone with kids.

I would expect them to behave exactly like OP's BF. They guy is great. But then there will be too much drama for me.

Op, cut him loose. Find a guy who does not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Excellent work, OP! I know it was really hard but kudos to you! I understand your BF may feel parent guilt but he is doing is DD no favors by letting her slack like she is. Glad your condo is available for you to move back into. Do NOT let him move in with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're taking the correct course of action. Don't let your guard down just because he's making some positive changes.

Move back to your own place. If you still want to see him, you can continue to date while living in two different places. I wouldn't let him move into your condo, because then he'll essentially be giving up his house to his daughter and may even bring the grandkids into YOUR condo for babysitting. Don't allow that drama into your own space. If the daughter ever moves out, wait at least six months to make sure the change sticks before combining households again.

+1
Agree with all of this.
Good for you OP for sticking to your guns!

This. Here is my thing. I get him wanting to make sure his daughter launches and he doesn’t want to throw his grandkids out, there may even be some divorce guilt involved. He maybe even believes his daughter wouldn’t be there long etc. Many a parent has been too optimistic for their own good or afraid to set boundaries boundaries/rules. Where I do fault him is allowing you to be taken advantage of with the babysitting and not having daughter clean up after herself when it is shared common space for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His children are going to come first. Whether you approve of his method doesn't really matter since you aren't a parent. It sucks but you have no say.

He was a baby having babies


Sounds like his product is a direct result of his then parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

So you are only 6 years older than his young adult daughter?

Are you sure this isn't a huge part of the problem OP?

[Anonymous]

Haha thank your lucky stars. You can have him for a weekend toyboy but not as a prospective husband and father of kids. He has his hands full already! You can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Way to go keeping the condo OP and giving him an ultimatum.

I will say this, 6 months doesn't seem like a super-long time for me as I know parents who have been supporting slackers for years. And since he has clearly put in an effort to make his daughter stand on her own and win you back, I think you should work with him.

A) Maybe get her a minimum wage job at a local store like Target or TJ Maxx and move her and the kid into a small apartment.

B) Assuming this is a low COL area let your BF help her pay half her rent and you can get a new renter in May to stay in the house.

I WOULDN'T let him move in with you as suggested above and the daughter keep the house while he still pays it - recipe for disaster.

OP cannot get someone else a job. Where does this idea even come from? Further, if OP were to step in and somehow get her a job and get her an apartment and arrange for her BF to pay half the rent for her, that would be at least as enabling as what the BF is doing now, which is a horrible idea.

OP, you're making the right choice by moving out. This situation isn't likely to get better, and it's definitely not going to get better if the other people involved have no incentive to change it.

It's minimum wage aisle-stuffer. All she needs is two hands and to fill out an application. As for the helping out part, set time limits on it or something. Anything to get that grown woman out of her father's home. I don't know what the rest of you are bitching about - you let your children stay with you and considering 'returning home' a badge of honor.

Have you ever held a job? What kind of jobs have you had that you could have gotten without showing up for some kind of Interview? For training? To fill out paperwork? OP can not just fill out an application and have the paychecks show up, the daughter has to actually buy in to this and get the job herself,

[Anonymous]

Wait...OP and her boyfriend's daughter could have attended elementary school at the same time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's trying, and he sounds like a good dad and person.

But... you are 32. This is a lot of drama and complication for a 32yo. What do you see as your future with him? If not marriage, then cut bait now and move on.

I have a few friends who met and married older divorced men with kids, and they have messy lives. Some turned out great. Some are still very messy and I think they have regrets.

This. I'm 41 and I date divorced dads because there are so few non divorced dads in my dating pool. But at 32? No way. You can find someone without that baggage. Stop wasting your thirties on this mess.