BF's daughter and kids living with us (misery)

[Anonymous]

RUN, OP, RUN! Go to your condo and get on Match.com. There are hundreds of better guys out there. Give a few of them a try. You need a break from this sh*t to see what you've been putting up with. Move on!

[Anonymous]

I think you should still move back to your own place, whether you move back to the condo or rent it out and move to an apartment. But don't let him move in with you or give him a key. You all can still date but this will give him some time to focus on his daughter and figuring out his own stuff whether the pressure of a live in relationship. And it will give you some space and time to figure out if the life you built with him is really what you want going forward because the children and grandchildren will always be there in one way of another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

-1

Yeah, no. We have very different definitions of networking. Daughter sounds like a total bum and not really interested in working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

-1

Yeah, no. We have very different definitions of networking. Daughter sounds like a total bum and not really interested in working.

Everybody you know had a dad help them get a job, that is how it works.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how well any of us would fare if we had 1- and 3-year-olds and their dad just left and we were in our early 20s. I give credit to dad for trying to help her out of this difficult situation.

OP should move out, because if she doesn't have sympathy for this daughter now then she never will. Who does she expect will watch the kids while she works at her low-wage job or takes classes? Young children make this much more complicated and challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how well any of us would fare if we had 1- and 3-year-olds and their dad just left and we were in our early 20s. I give credit to dad for trying to help her out of this difficult situation.

OP should move out, because if she doesn't have sympathy for this daughter now then she never will. Who does she expect will watch the kids while she works at her low-wage job or takes classes? Young children make this much more complicated and challenging.

I had kids in my early 20's. I also had a job. Quit making excuses for laziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how well any of us would fare if we had 1- and 3-year-olds and their dad just left and we were in our early 20s. I give credit to dad for trying to help her out of this difficult situation.

OP should move out, because if she doesn't have sympathy for this daughter now then she never will. Who does she expect will watch the kids while she works at her low-wage job or takes classes? Young children make this much more complicated and challenging.

This. I got pregnant in my 20s and wasn't sure if my bf would stick around, he kept waffling. I am so grateful that my dad helped me out during that time. I can't imagine trying to do it on my own in the DC area, it is so friggin' expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

-1

Yeah, no. We have very different definitions of networking. Daughter sounds like a total bum and not really interested in working.

Everybody you know had a dad help them get a job, that is how it works.

First of all, this is untrue; not everyone had connections that got them a job. This is actually super insulting to those of us who worked our butts off and got to where we are, and very ignorant of you.

Second, notice you said "help" them get a job. Not "get a job," - help. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Keep packing and tell him he has until the end of next week. But the fact that he is essentially having to push her out, and he's the one trying to find her a job, rather than her trying to find her own job, just means you have an ongoing battle on your hands. She's going to constantly try to push those boundaries and try to get back to that comfort zone where her dad is taking care of her and you guys watch the kids while she does her own thing. And you will become the bad guy, if you aren't already.

I agree. And, to paraphrase a PP, past performance is the best indicator of future performance. There are too many things that can go wrong that will land the DD right back at her dad's feet. What if by the end of the 6 months she doesn't have a job that pays the bills? What happens if she doesn't have childcare? You don't have to break up with your BF but having your own place gives you a lot more options and flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you so much for all the responses. Just to clarify a few issues. The age difference has never been an issue for us. I don't want children and marriage has never been a priority to me. I was very happy living together. He has 2 kids and does not want anymore so that worked for us. No relationship is perfect but until his daughter moved in I would say we were stable and happy for the most part. Now I resent the hell out of him. The steps he is taking now I wish he has taken 5.5 months ago. I know he is trying. I know that.

We talked yesterday and he said she will be taking college courses this summer and he is trying really hard to find her a job. He acknowledged that he made some huge mistakes and that he wants to do right by me and by his daughter and grandkids, He says he is going to get his daughter her own place and he will pay her expenses for the next 6 months. He wants to find her the right place. He said if it was just her he would be tempted to get her the cheapest studio even if it was in the ghetto but he needs to consider the grandkids. He is taking his daughter to look at some places today that are in a nice areas. He is only getting her a 1 bedroom apartment and told her she would have to make due with that and that pissed her off but he shut her down so that is a good step.

I'm not gonna lie I am thrilled at the prospect of her moving out. He swears that in 6 months if she is not independent he is not going to let her move back in his house. He said he might continue to pay her bills if she is going to school but she will not move back into the house. He also said he will make sure she knows not to come by without calling and to never assume she can just drop her kids off. He says she will be out of the house by the end of next week. Am I crazy to consider staying or should I keep packing?

OP, I think you should keep packing and make a decision about where you go with this relationship once you are back in your own space. Your BF sounds like a nice guy but this thing with his daughter will not end until his grandchildren are adults. His daughter will always have his love for his grandchildren to hang over him and manipulate him with.

[Anonymous]

Keep packing, I think you’ll enjoy having your own space and peace again, on the other hand, you can always go back when things calm down at his house.

[Anonymous]

Keep packing.

My brother is 42 and my parents have been supporting him and his family for most of the last 20+ years because he and his high-school dropout psychopath wife had kids they couldn’t afford and my parents wanted them to have decent places to live because of the grandchildren. I think my parents have bought them five houses over the years. My brother hasn’t worked for years (but hey, he finished his accounting degree at some state college in Oklahoma that nobody has ever heard of last year! And last I heard he was *thinking* about applying for an actual job!) and his wife never has. They briefly lived near us and we helped my brother find a job and he didn’t last long—he probably never stayed at any job for more than a year.

Unless the daughter gets her sh!t together, stay on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who dates a guy whose kids are essentially the same age as they are is just looking for drama.

[Anonymous]

Man, there are some of you here clearly relying on the bank of Daddy and sooo scared and salty at the idea that’s the bank of Daddy might go away! Get jobs, people. Stop mooching off your parents and let them have a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Keep packing and tell him he has until the end of next week. But the fact that he is essentially having to push her out, and he's the one trying to find her a job, rather than her trying to find her own job, just means you have an ongoing battle on your hands. She's going to constantly try to push those boundaries and try to get back to that comfort zone where her dad is taking care of her and you guys watch the kids while she does her own thing. And you will become the bad guy, if you aren't already.

I agree. And, to paraphrase a PP, past performance is the best indicator of future performance. There are too many things that can go wrong that will land the DD right back at her dad's feet.[b] What if by the end of the 6 months she doesn't have a job that pays the bills? What happens if she doesn't have childcare? You don't have to break up with your BF but having your own place gives you a lot more options and flexibility.

I want to be an optimist. But I think the patterns are set with your BF and his daughter. She knows she has the safety net of dad’s money and somewhere she got the idea that either the world owes her something or her dad does. The fact that she was salty about him “only” getting her a one bedroom, that she would think it was okay to dump her kids on you, that she isn’t the one primarily driving her job search ...I don’t think six months will change that. My mom did have me young and dropped out of college but she always worked, she was looking for ways to improve her job options and provide for her family, and she took classses here and there to eventually finish her degree.