BF's daughter and kids living with us (misery)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's trying, and he sounds like a good dad and person.

But... you are 32. This is a lot of drama and complication for a 32yo. What do you see as your future with him? If not marriage, then cut bait now and move on.

I have a few friends who met and married older divorced men with kids, and they have messy lives. Some turned out great. Some are still very messy and I think they have regrets.

This. I'm 41 and I date divorced dads because there are so few non divorced dads in my dating pool. But at 32? No way. You can find someone without that baggage. Stop wasting your thirties on this mess.

OP your time to met someone your age and have your own kids is running out. You met him when you were 26 and wasted your late 20's on him instead of having carefree fun. You have options at 32 that you won't have in another 6 years at 38. Find someone your own age. It will never work out with this guy. He will always put his daughter and grandkids first. You are way, way to young to be a step-grandmother. If you have a kid at 34 and that kid has a child at 34, you will be 68 before you become a grandmother. That's 36 years from now!

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Thank you so much for all the responses. Just to clarify a few issues. The age difference has never been an issue for us. I don't want children and marriage has never been a priority to me. I was very happy living together. He has 2 kids and does not want anymore so that worked for us. No relationship is perfect but until his daughter moved in I would say we were stable and happy for the most part. Now I resent the hell out of him. The steps he is taking now I wish he has taken 5.5 months ago. I know he is trying. I know that.

We talked yesterday and he said she will be taking college courses this summer and he is trying really hard to find her a job. He acknowledged that he made some huge mistakes and that he wants to do right by me and by his daughter and grandkids, He says he is going to get his daughter her own place and he will pay her expenses for the next 6 months. He wants to find her the right place. He said if it was just her he would be tempted to get her the cheapest studio even if it was in the ghetto but he needs to consider the grandkids. He is taking his daughter to look at some places today that are in a nice areas. He is only getting her a 1 bedroom apartment and told her she would have to make due with that and that pissed her off but he shut her down so that is a good step.

I'm not gonna lie I am thrilled at the prospect of her moving out. He swears that in 6 months if she is not independent he is not going to let her move back in his house. He said he might continue to pay her bills if she is going to school but she will not move back into the house. He also said he will make sure she knows not to come by without calling and to never assume she can just drop her kids off. He says she will be out of the house by the end of next week. Am I crazy to consider staying or should I keep packing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you so much for all the responses. Just to clarify a few issues. The age difference has never been an issue for us. I don't want children and marriage has never been a priority to me. I was very happy living together. He has 2 kids and does not want anymore so that worked for us. No relationship is perfect but until his daughter moved in I would say we were stable and happy for the most part. Now I resent the hell out of him. The steps he is taking now I wish he has taken 5.5 months ago. I know he is trying. I know that.

We talked yesterday and he said she will be taking college courses this summer and he is trying really hard to find her a job. He acknowledged that he made some huge mistakes and that he wants to do right by me and by his daughter and grandkids, He says he is going to get his daughter her own place and he will pay her expenses for the next 6 months. He wants to find her the right place. He said if it was just her he would be tempted to get her the cheapest studio even if it was in the ghetto but he needs to consider the grandkids. He is taking his daughter to look at some places today that are in a nice areas. He is only getting her a 1 bedroom apartment and told her she would have to make due with that and that pissed her off but he shut her down so that is a good step.

I'm not gonna lie I am thrilled at the prospect of her moving out. He swears that in 6 months if she is not independent he is not going to let her move back in his house. He said he might continue to pay her bills if she is going to school but she will not move back into the house. He also said he will make sure she knows not to come by without calling and to never assume she can just drop her kids off. He says she will be out of the house by the end of next week. Am I crazy to consider staying or should I keep packing?

Keep packing and tell him he has until the end of next week. But the fact that he is essentially having to push her out, and he's the one trying to find her a job, rather than her trying to find her own job, just means you have an ongoing battle on your hands. She's going to constantly try to push those boundaries and try to get back to that comfort zone where her dad is taking care of her and you guys watch the kids while she does her own thing. And you will become the bad guy, if you aren't already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you so much for all the responses. Just to clarify a few issues. The age difference has never been an issue for us. I don't want children and marriage has never been a priority to me. I was very happy living together. He has 2 kids and does not want anymore so that worked for us. No relationship is perfect but until his daughter moved in I would say we were stable and happy for the most part. Now I resent the hell out of him. The steps he is taking now I wish he has taken 5.5 months ago. I know he is trying. I know that.

We talked yesterday and he said she will be taking college courses this summer and he is trying really hard to find her a job. He acknowledged that he made some huge mistakes and that he wants to do right by me and by his daughter and grandkids, He says he is going to get his daughter her own place and he will pay her expenses for the next 6 months. He wants to find her the right place. He said if it was just her he would be tempted to get her the cheapest studio even if it was in the ghetto but he needs to consider the grandkids. He is taking his daughter to look at some places today that are in a nice areas. He is only getting her a 1 bedroom apartment and told her she would have to make due with that and that pissed her off but he shut her down so that is a good step.

I'm not gonna lie I am thrilled at the prospect of her moving out. He swears that in 6 months if she is not independent he is not going to let her move back in his house. He said he might continue to pay her bills if she is going to school but she will not move back into the house. He also said he will make sure she knows not to come by without calling and to never assume she can just drop her kids off. He says she will be out of the house by the end of next week. Am I crazy to consider staying or should I keep packing?

I'm glad you checked back in OP!
I would say you can stop packing as soon as his daughter has a signed lease. Especially given how happy you were before this you aren't crazy to give it another shot. The fact that he took action (albeit super late) is huge, and a good sign that he gets it and gets that you won't allow your needs to just be swept under the rug. When you rent your condo again, I'd consider a shorter term lease, just to be on the safe side.
Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Keep packing, and move out. You should wait a couple of years before considering moving back in because the saga with his daughter is nowhere near over. For instance, what happens when she continues to not get a job and tells your BF she and her kids will be homeless if he doesn't take them in after he stops paying the rent? What if your BF decides to take in the kids?

[Anonymous]

NP. Pack your things and move out, OP! Be gone as much as you can in the meantime. Refuse to clean anything that isn't your mess.

Just move on. A younger woman with no baggage and who doesn't want kids or marriage is a pretty good catch for most guys, I think. You're not bringing drama so you don't need to deal with any.

Boyfriend should have respected you and cared about how you were feeling before he even allowed daughter and grandkids to move in. He didn't. You've suffered for 6 months. Now he's promising that in another 6 months it will hopefully be better.

Yeah, no. Just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep packing, and move out. You should wait a couple of years before considering moving back in because the saga with his daughter is nowhere near over. For instance, what happens when she continues to not get a job and tells your BF she and her kids will be homeless if he doesn't take them in after he stops paying the rent? What if your BF decides to take in the kids?

Yeah, this drama will never end, OP. The daughter sees grandpa as a mealticket and knows she can manipulate him with the grandkids. You need to get out of that mess.

[Anonymous]

The past 6 months are the best indication you have for how the next 6 months will go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you so much for all the responses. Just to clarify a few issues. The age difference has never been an issue for us. I don't want children and marriage has never been a priority to me. I was very happy living together. He has 2 kids and does not want anymore so that worked for us. No relationship is perfect but until his daughter moved in I would say we were stable and happy for the most part. Now I resent the hell out of him. The steps he is taking now I wish he has taken 5.5 months ago. I know he is trying. I know that.

We talked yesterday and he said she will be taking college courses this summer and he is trying really hard to find her a job. He acknowledged that he made some huge mistakes and that he wants to do right by me and by his daughter and grandkids, He says he is going to get his daughter her own place and he will pay her expenses for the next 6 months. He wants to find her the right place. He said if it was just her he would be tempted to get her the cheapest studio even if it was in the ghetto but he needs to consider the grandkids. He is taking his daughter to look at some places today that are in a nice areas. He is only getting her a 1 bedroom apartment and told her she would have to make due with that and that pissed her off but he shut her down so that is a good step.

I'm not gonna lie I am thrilled at the prospect of her moving out. He swears that in 6 months if she is not independent he is not going to let her move back in his house. He said he might continue to pay her bills if she is going to school but she will not move back into the house. He also said he will make sure she knows not to come by without calling and to never assume she can just drop her kids off. He says she will be out of the house by the end of next week. Am I crazy to consider staying or should I keep packing?

Keep packing. Follow through with the move. He should not be trying to get his daughter a job, she should be doing that herself. Any job at all is better than none. If he is paying for her living expenses, she will not be independent. He has enabled her for a long time and he will not stop now(possibly ever). You will continue to resent him/her and you will find that nothing really changes. Move out & Move on.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

[Anonymous]

For the love of god keep packing and get out of there. He is finding her an apartment and a job and paying her bills? These are half measures at best. You sound like an intelligent, self-sufficient, and mature woman - you can and should do better, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

Sure, in a setting where references are needed. Daughter is getting minimum wage jobs. All she needs to go is fill out an application.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

Um, no. Parents do not get their kids jobs. They can tell the kid, so & so is hiring, go talk to him, but that's about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth is boyfriend finding a job for his daughter? Why isn’t she find her own job? I mean what parent does that? Is he actually going on interviews for her. Lol. I think if he does find her a job she’ll quit. You need to move out completely to see how this all plays out.

Almost everybody I know had a parent, uncle, cousin, neighbor, professor, etc find them a job. It's called networking. Parents help their kids get jobs, it's a thing.

My parents, extended family, friends, etc... NEVER did that for me. I found my own jobs.